I'm starting off with the positives of the screenplay:
1. The characters. All of them were unique, which is very, very, VERY difficult and you nailed it! Congrats!
2. The dialogue was also pretty unique and most of the time believable, but it some cases not so much (see negatives.)
3. The description/action line, they were better than most. Some spelling errors, but not too bad.
Before I get into the negatives I want to give a disclaimer. I'm American and I didn't/couldn't understand some of the terminology/slang. Please decipher what you will from my comments understanding that.
1. Formatting. First off, never -- ever say "CUT TO:" Instead insert a slug/scene header even if it's in the same room, same house, or whatever. We get the cut to once you write the slug or even if you separate the paragraph (which isn't correct either -- but CUT TO: is worse and annoying)
Also INT/EXT is annoying. Just give us an establish shot of the outside EXT. COOPER'S HOUSE - DAY (description) and then move it to INT. COOPER'S HOUSE - DAY. I know it may sound picking, but this is U.S.A. industry standard, and if you want to sell your script, you WILL HAVE TO change it.
The correct way to write a flashback is.
(INT. WHATEVER - DAY)
END FLASHBACK. or BACK TO PRESENT:
FADE IN is okay, but too many can get annoying and it did.
2. Dialogue. Like a I said before, some of the dialogue was believable and some of it was like "what the hell am I reading?" I have no clue what a "cos" is, and some of the other slang through me. Probably would sound better in a movie.
Also a thing to say about the dialogue, you really should end it sentences shorter and tighten it up. The biggest probably is it started to not make sense because you went on way too long. It's not expoisitory which is good, but typing dialogue just to type is unnecessary. It's better to have a short script with good "tight" dialogue then the opposite.
3. I'm sorry, but the story and concept was horrible. And honestly I'm a big cheesy guy when it comes to love stories, but this was mellow-dramatic-waste. Have one of your guy friend look it over. You'll thank me later.
ONE -- NOOOOO FLASHBACKS. We'll understand when you reveal it later in the story. Maybe after Jess goes off to LA, Cooper goes home and looks at the ring. Plus nothing really transition the flashback. Or I should say "tossed" the flashback. It went from Surf to Restaurant. Not a good transition. By the way I like the surfing, why isn't there more?!
TWO -- Don't show Jess in LA, we don't care. The movie isn't about her.
THREE -- Who's movie is this anyway? Cooper's or Ally's or BOTH?! I don't know because you have Ally in it more than Cooper it seems and not only that. She shows up on page 7 and doesn't come back 'til page 19?! If you want it to be about both, then follow them both. Where is cooper when he texts Ally? Don't take short cut on either character. you can cut it out later if it's unnecessary.
FOUR -- There's nothing really going on... Honestly, where's the conflict beside Jess coming back (which I did like for a brief period of time) but what else? Craig says "fight for him?" What the "F". That doesn't make any damn sense. Craig should be wanted to kick his ass, not to mention Rhy. You're really missing out on opportunities here. Ally's studies weren't doing so well? Another conflict you could have capsized on, but you didn't.
FIVE -- The emotion didn't seem real to me. I'm twenty years of age, and sometimes I get caught over a girl, but if I knew the girl liked me I would def say to my ex "go fuck yourself, I'm sticking with Ally." So either make Cooper a big schmuck/screw up or whatever cause it ain't working the way you got it. Or you could make it Ally who falls for stupid guys, and Cooper is torn between Ally and Jess, which wasn't really shown. Example. Cooper answer his phone on a date with Ally because it's from Jess. You had something in there kind of like that in his house, but it wasn't a good scene.
SIX -- The ending... It ending on the worst note possible. Nothing got resolved and everything fell short of a good "up and up" love story. Not only that, Cooper telling Jess he was going to marry her should have came earlier. And the whole thing about Ally loving Cooper and him fucking up was a joke, because she left him anyway. I mean seriously?! I'm sorry but it doesn't work, you need to figure it out. Either Ally had deep feeling for this guy and then she says "fuck it" at the bar, or she gets back together with him at the end.
OVERALL -- I'm sorry, but overall the story just didn't do it for me, and that's where the movie's make money, and make audience come back a second time in the theater (or special FX which this has none of). I'm a true believer it's in content, and not fully story, but you should at least work out a clear plan for what you want to happen in this thing, because the story is all over the place in emotion and not in a good way.
Remember these are my opinions, take what you will from them and good luck in the future.
Review of: Always here
reviewed by DJBFilmz on 03/10/2012
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