I had trouble following some of the writing in this short story. “My insides are tumbling like a circus performer who has collided with an iceberg splashing into the ocean.” It would suit the story more, to use examples that a reader can relate to and actually imagine. The example you give is bizarre, and it distracts from the story rather than adding descriptive flow. The reader has to stop, read it again, and then try to figure out what you are writing about.
The writer should go back over the story and cut a lot of unnecessary description and whatever doesn't work toward the desired end. It's not a complicated story; it's about a girl who drinks too much and forgets her writing notes to herself. That, in itself, is strange. The girl seems a bit unstable and maybe the writer could focus on her paranoia and build a story out of that?
The story needs some more work. If you want to build suspense, then use descriptions that are understandable and avoid getting off track. Keep focus, build suspense, and keep it short. Also, check your grammar. In this story, or any story, if there are mistakes and a reader gets pulled out of the flow, the suspense is shattered.
Good luck with it.
Review of: Do it and Die
reviewed by Suesea on 10/06/2010
Other Reviews by Suesea 171
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