Thank you for sharing your short story. I have a couple notes and suggestions. If any of this rings true, I hope it’s helpful for your next rewrite.
Opening paragraph seems to be a critique of morning radio shows. It summarizes the narrator’s feelings about radio shows.
In the second paragraph we get more detail in talking about Travis T. Hipp. You may want to open with this since the narrator seems to have a relationship with this radio personality.
Page 3 halfway through the second paragraph, “I began to talk back to the Thursday...” this description could be turned into a dialogue between the narrator and the radio personality. The rising conflict between the personality and narrator could work really well. It’s better to show than tell.
When the narrator changes their mind about the “Take 5” rip off song it could’ve led to conflict between Travis and the narrator. The story has a humorous tone and the potential conflict between the narrator and Travis (the narrator’s radio idol) could’ve been funny.
Summary should be used sparingly. It’s always better to show than tell unless you need to advance the plot.
Enjoyed the story and overall tone but felt like it kinda fizzled out in the last two pages.
Review of: To Change the Channel
reviewed by Lanceeliot on 09/11/2011
Other Reviews by Lanceeliot 11
A review of Do You Smell That?by Lanceeliot on 09/11/2011Thank you for sharing your short story. I hope these notes are helpful. If any of them ring true consider them for your next rewrite. Page 1. Second sentence, “Depressed and wanting to get out of bed.” is a sentence fragment. You may want to combine with the first sentence. Liked the twist at the end, it had a twilight zone or outer limits feel. What does the main... read
A review of Reflectionsby Lanceeliot on 09/10/2011Thank you for sharing your story via Trigger Street. I hope that you find some of these notes are useful, please disregard the rest. Overall I felt like much of the story was being told to the reader. While summary can help advance a story, showing what happens if often times better. Here are specific observations I had while reading the story: While starting in the... read
A review of Toy Soldiersby Lanceeliot on 09/14/2009What works: The pacing moves at a decent pace. Plot development is interesting, telling the story from two viewpoints. The script deals with a lot of important issues that are often glossed over. The problems in Africa seem insurmountable. How the script could be improved? We learn early on what Sabu's goals are and those goals are pretty clear throughout. With Kaufman,... read