Other Reviews by ydnar600 105

• 
  Tough to Follow
  A review of Last Chance
  by ydnar600 on 02/11/2013
  Some thoughts as I read: BOB You sure know how to put a man on pins and needles dude. DRAKE(O.S) My apologies Bob i ran into some technical hitches. BOB The court verdict i guess? ...you need to learn how to use commas...For example: You sure know how to put a man on pins and needles, dude. My apologies, Bob. I ran into some technical hitches. Lose all instances of Beat unless... Some thoughts as I read:
  
  BOB
  You sure know how to put a man on
  pins and needles dude.
  DRAKE(O.S)
  My apologies Bob i ran into some
  technical hitches.
  BOB
  The court verdict i guess?
  ...you need to learn how to use commas...For example:
  You sure know how to put a man on pins and needles, dude.
  My apologies, Bob. I ran into some technical hitches.
  
  Lose all instances of Beat unless absolutely essential
  Too many instances of Suddenly…25 by my count
  
  I feel dizzy, my head’s spinning
  somehow.
  …yeah, because that's what happens when you're dizzy
  
  inconsistency of dialog and punctuation…p35
  MATHILDA
  Robin, come on!
  p36
  MATHILDA
  Robin come on, there’s no other
  way.
  Hint: the first one is correct.
  
  instances like on page 37 of past tense…"Small animals jumped"
  
  I'll try and be brief here as I had a bit of difficulty with your script and don't know exactly what I just read. The reasons are as follows:
  
  Concept: a young boy who can divine the future and his estranged father who wants to use him for his own nefarious purposes. Got no problem with that. It is, in fact, why I was intrigued with reading the script. The execution, however, is at issue.
  
  Dialogue: There are many British-isms I noticed which is fine but you had far too many instances of your characters going on about their feelings and not showing, by action, what they were feeling. One of the things I suggest you do, which I do myself in rewrites, is take each block of dialogue and reduce it down to its most essential element but saying the same thing you initially intended. In addition, your dialogue is too on-the-nose and stilted and pretty much all of your characters sound the same. Even Mathilda and Robin, as adolescents, don't sound like adolescents all the time. For example, on p70, the bit with Drake: not only is it too much dialogue that's mostly unnecessary, it's also redundant. Drake says Robin sees the future twice!
  
  Characters: the arcs of your characters are mostly non-existent and the rest are a bit cartoonish in their lack of dimension. For one, you have too many characters. You introduce characters like the Senator on page 99! Introduce him earlier…when it matters. Robin and Mathilda are okay as protagonists but we spend lots of time away from them. Robin, as the lead who drives your story should always be front and center or at least what he knows should drive the story. Occasionally it does. I kept waiting for some real interplay between them and their parents but the structure of it was baffling. I'll talk more about structure in a bit.
  
  Story: As I said, Robin and Mathilda should drive the story. At times they did but you wasted too much time with the servants who barely had any bearing on what was going on. They talked a lot but nothing really happened. The bit with the Senator should be moved way up since this is the guy Alfred needs to kill. That way, it's set in the reader's mind. Page 99 is way too late. You have lots of peril for the two main leads in terms of obstacles but it still didn't amount to much. I needed to see the real effects of Robin's powers maybe work in his favor - maybe in fact it did but as I said, I really couldn't follow it because of the biggest failing of your script which is…
  
  Structure: I posted some observations above as I read. There were so many on every page, I didn't want to waste too much time with it. Specifically, you have: misspells, punctuation errors, verbs in past tense, verbs in passive tense, typos, missing words, too much dialogue, virtually non-existent inciting incident and act breaks, elements showing up in bold, incorrect and unnecessary transitions between scenes like on page 64, parenthetical statements in dialogue that are either redundant or completely unnecessary, shooting directions like "Beat" that should only be used very sparingly. Your script should, in no way, be 117 pages long - even accounting for stylistic differences, it should be no more than 100 pages. I've said this to others and I'll say it again, no studio will ever read this script with the sheer number of structural issues you have. I've seen scripts pitched into the rubbish bin for just an occasional typo. And, for the purposes of regular readers like myself, they very much hamper the readability of your script. Not my intention to be too harsh but I think you get the idea. Some things I've said can be looked upon as opinion…what I've said here about the Structure is fact. Please fix them, at least, for your next draft. read
• 
  Pirates with Vampires
  A review of Scarlet Seas
  by ydnar600 on 01/22/2013
  Pretty good effort so far. I was enthused by the first page that I was reading a script by someone who knows how to actually write a screenplay. I'll detail below what I thought in multiple areas. Concept: Pirates of the Caribbean with Vampires. Nothing wrong with the concept, however, the success depends mightily on execution of elements therein. Story: I have to say that... Pretty good effort so far. I was enthused by the first page that I was reading a script by someone who knows how to actually write a screenplay. I'll detail below what I thought in multiple areas.
  
  Concept: Pirates of the Caribbean with Vampires. Nothing wrong with the concept, however, the success depends mightily on execution of elements therein.
  
  Story: I have to say that while reading it, the first half of the script was a good read. What you presented pulled me through the story and didn't get bogged down. I think why it worked was there was a wealth of expectations of what I hoped the story would be. It held my interest for this reason. Unfortunately, when Scarlet takes control of the ship, the story didn't fall off the rails for me, per se, but it became less interesting. This also coincided with the budding romance between Ash and Alana. For me, there was nothing new in their relationship and though it drove your narrative, I just wasn't interested. It was kind of a tough slog the second half and definitely the last act. I'll talk more about the last act later. I'll be specific about one section in the second half: there was a spot where there was some peril associated with Hans and what Scarlet would do to him. You left us with a cliffhanger of sorts which really piqued my interest. You rightly went away to Alana and Ash and the ship battle. What would make this section better in my opinion is to go back and forth between these two story lines. Instead, it took awhile to get back to Hans and by the time you did, it was anticlimactic. The ship battle dragged on far too long for me without breaking it up. The resolution of your story was fine but I might like to have seen a bit more poignance or significance with the vampire Hans and Alana. Instead, your ending was Ash/Alana-specific. Think about adding a stronger resolution with Hans - maybe something revealed about the father-daugher dynamic that Scarlet uses against them.
  
  Characters: generally pretty good, however, the problem for me was having Pirates… in mind and how this compared. It just did for me. Scarlet was an effective villain but right on the edge of being over the top/caricaturish. One thing: the vampire mythos - I know there's a lot of leeway but for this vampire fan, a stake to the heart ends in death. That's just me. Anyway, let's make Hans' turn to a vampire more significant. Maybe Scarlet plays on some shred of humanity left in him to achieve her goals, to really stick it to Alana. I think the resolution with Ash and Alana was fine. And Hans continuing on with his vampire-hunting ways was fine as well.
  
  Dialogue: period stuff is kinda tricky. You want to have characters talking in period-specific vernacular but it seemed to me that, with the exception of Scarlet and Gash and Guevarra, everyone sounded the same.
  
  Structure: I think you have the requisite act breaks and so on. Even though your story comes in at 105 pages, your third act dragged. My suggestion would be to use much shorter sentences and descriptions. This needs to happen in this act as matters speed up. You have far too many ellipses - try to scale those back. It slows the read. There's lots of passive verbs - use them only when necessary. Too many instances of "starts to…" and "begins to…". Lose them - with rare exceptions, a character either does or does not. There were some instances in your action/description of things that can't be filmed, that is, what a character was feeling. Move some of your parentheticals to action/description.
  
  Good luck on your next draft! read
• 
  Pretty darn good...mate!
  A review of The Nominee
  by ydnar600 on 01/12/2013
  Your script, though a work-in-progress, is well on its way to being something fun and unique. I enjoyed reading it, however, there were some issues...even for a first draft. Concept: I'd watch this in a second. If it could be made with the same tonality of, say, Tropic Thunder, where we peel back the skin of Hollywood (in this case, the Oscar thing and the reality show thing)... Your script, though a work-in-progress, is well on its way to being something fun and unique. I enjoyed reading it, however, there were some issues...even for a first draft.
  
  Concept: I'd watch this in a second. If it could be made with the same tonality of, say, Tropic Thunder, where we peel back the skin of Hollywood (in this case, the Oscar thing and the reality show thing) and make a comedic comment. I dig it!
  
  Characters: generally pretty good. I counted 11 characters in your first ten pages. Even if this wasn't a first read and a cold read, I tend to think that's too many. Even Boogie Nights didn't have quite that many in the first ten pages. I think the majority of your characters had specific points of view and when introduced, moved the story along. I would recommend any opportunity to consolidate characters to be a good thing. I'm not that bright but this reader found it overwhelming. One help for this would be to have better descriptions as each character is introduced to, at the very least, help set them apart in the reader's mind. I kept having Emma Stone in mind for Greta. I think her character: her obstacles, triumphs, motivation and so on were spot on. I think she helped drive your story (which I'll get to later). Lance was a decent foil for her. I would expand on Ozzie, only in the sense of how he is picked out of the reality crowd as being "the one" for her. I saw it but didn't feel it enough...their connection. What is it that he provides that she needs filled...emotionally, that is.
  
  Dialogue: not much to say here. I think at 116 pages, the length is due to the sheer number of characters and dialogue. Try in future drafts to pare back. Be as brutally ruthless as possible with the dialogue without ruining the flow and style with which you display. One note: as i was reading it, I could tell you were British or somewhere where they use the King's English. I went back and looked at your description because there were times when characters would say "bloody" and "rogering" which sends up a big ol' Union Jack flag that one or more of your characters is British. We bloody Colonials don't say such words.
  
  Story: pretty good I think. It's overwhelmed by the sheer number of characters but this may simply be one of those things that can't be helped. On screen, it may not matter. I think you have a perfect engine that drives your story - something that a reader can immediately relate to and have resonance with from Greta's point of view. There were some minor areas where I thought you lost sight of this but it's not really a concern. There were times when I laughed out loud (I was on the treadmill as I read). And the girl gets the guy in the end and maybe even resolves some demons from her past.
  
  Structure: I would say this was the weakest part of your script. Your inciting incident seems to be around page 14. I went back and read it and, though, I'm loath to hit someone over the head with rules, that scene could stand to be trimmed back and just get on with it: we're gonna have a reality show and our nominee is the star and she needs a date. Your first act break point was similarly "mushy". Due to the number of characters, most of the other points of the script except for the last act kinda got lost on me. I think you did real well in the third act by ratcheting up the stakes, not only in the narrative but also in the action/description. Now, you had WAY TOO MANY misspells, punctuation errors and grammatical issues in your action/description and dialogue. Too many to list but here's an example:
  p14 (and all over the place)
  Christian
  Yes we do Mr Turner. - WRONG
  Yes, we do, Mr. Turner. - RIGHT
  I see way too much of this in other people's scripts. An occasional typo is fine. I know it's a first draft. Don't care. Makes me wanna smash things. I saw way too many sentences that were interrogative but didn't have a question mark at the end. No excuses - fix this kinda stuff for your next draft. Enough said!
  
  So, I look very much forward to seeing what the next draft of The Nominee brings. I very much enjoyed reading it. It's a great start. I have little doubt that you will plumb the depths of your story and your characters to further deepen the meaning and heighten the fun.
  
  Good job, mate! read