Edouard+the Angel+Hector=Vittorio. Perhaps.
First,I realy enjoyed reading your story. I was in a magical, wonderful world. I immediately fell in love with your Annie, Hortense, Vittorio, Monsieur Loyal and even with incidental characters like Hector. My previous assignment was a story of a serial killer, who killed 5-10 people, I lost count. So your script was like a breath of fresh air. The only thing that puzzled me was the death of the Angel. But I’m Russian-speaking, so I might’ve missed some important details?
1. The screenplay has some format errors like, for example, on pages 80-81. According to the rules you should divide Hortense’monologue into 2 parts with “MORE” and “CONT’D”. Personally I don’t care much about the format. I strongly believe that the landscape is story itself, characters, dialogue and it could be written down LTR, RTL or in some other ways. But many people here are just going crazy about format errors. And they’ll be writing to you “ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG!FORMAT ERRORS!FORMAT ERRORS! BUY YOURSELF A SCREENWRITING "HOW TO" BOOK. I WOULD RECOMMEND…” So, after a while you might start thinking that the main thing in screenplaywriting is to keep the proper format, and story, plot, characters, dialogue are just small, unimportant details :).
2.I feel like this screenplay was written some years ago when there were no laptops, smartphones and the Internet. Nowadays if Annie wants to know what happened in Bologna in August 1980, all she needs is to google these words. The Internet and cell phones, I must admit, make our work harder. If some years ago a character could spend half of a movie trying to find information about someone or something, now he\she gets it in no time through the Internet, so we have to invent some other ways to keep the ball rolling :). I also have some scripts for rewriting.
3. IMHO Annie behaves a bit childish like an 8-10-year-old. I think it could be a great family\children movie about a girl of 8 or 10 who wants to be a clown. At the beginning of the movie she flunks her audition at the circus school. Then she meets Vittorio. He helpes her to believe in herself and gives inspiration to move forward. I think in some scenes , for example on pages 25,28-33, Vittorio can replace the Angel, Hector, Edouard.Because in your version Vittorio appears, disappears, then appears again, as though he’s not a main character.Finally , with the help of Vittorio and his friends, Annie passes the audition. The scene on pages 122-125 is just perfect for the final.I would remove all the deaths and Bologna and the alley scene with the BUMs, or replace the BUMs with foolish young boys who only teases Annie. All the circus perfomances are great and kids gonna love it.
Anyway, I enjoyed the reading, good luck and keep writing!
Anna.
P.S. May I ask you why you put your screenplay here? Do you know someone here who managed to sell a script or find a producer? Or it’s just kind of a workshop?
Other Reviews by aaandronova
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First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews:
1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors.
2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it!
3. I do not write...
First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews:
1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors.
2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it!
3. I do not write about format errors because there are plenty of people here who will write to you about them.
I always concentrate on the story itself. I do believe if the story is boring and implausible, neither great dialogue nor perfect formatting can be any help. Quite the opposite, if the story is great, the dialogue can be easily rewritten and proper formatting is done. Now let’s get down to your story.
Actually, I don’t have much to say.
I like your story. The idea about children who get into a magic kingdom ruled by an evil king isn’t new, but you managed to bring something interesting and original in it. I’m not sure about making a movie, but it’s definitely an interesting novel for children. The movie will be too costly, and as I understand nowadays producers won’t risk to spend a big amount of money on an unknown novel, even if it’s very good. But perhaps it could be an animated film?
But there are some things I would change. First of all, I don’t like the scene where Tommie pees at Bunny :( I don’t understand how it can be filmed and IMHO such scenes are appropriate only for second-rate comedies for adults, not for a tale for children. Perhaps the boy should throw something, a stone at Bunny.
Also I don’t like the scene where Lord Pachelbel talks about eating children.That he used to keep children in the dungeon, so they grew skinny and unhealthy and when it was time to eat them, they tasted terrible, bonny and rubbery. I would prefer him not to eat children at all, but sacrifice them by turning into something , so after his death they can return alive and well.
Then I would suggest to dramatize the plot a bit. Perhaps the children stay there not because their car has been crushed, not so simple, but because nobody knows how to leave the kingdom? They should find the way out themselves. First they learn that the way out is in Pachelbel's castle, then that it's a secret room, which the children have to find. Finally Kippei brings Brookline there, but I think the room&the contract should be guarded,there should be some obstacles,traps,fighting with guards before the children reach the room and get the contract.
Next I would suggest to change all those rats,spiders,horses and other animals in the kingdom into some unusual creatures by adding some unusual features to them ( like you did it with the cow).
And the last thing I'd like to mention is the title. According to the end,where we see the evil boy again,you plan to continue the story.So,perhaps it should be "Lord Pachelbel and his wicked secret" or "the diabolic contract" or something else.So,the next story will be "Lord Pachelbel and..." and so on, like it was with Harry Potter.
And if I were you, I would use my computer to make a part of the animated film myself. Kind of a promo, then post it . Why not?
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First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews:
1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors.
2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it!
3. I do not write...
First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews:
1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors.
2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it!
3. I do not write about format errors because there are plenty of people here who will write to you about them.
I always concentrate on the story itself. I do believe if the story is boring and implausible, neither great dialogue nor perfect formatting can be any help. Quite the opposite, if the story is great, the dialogue can be easily rewritten and proper formatting is done. Now let’s get down to your story.
I’ve already seen a movie about fortune cookie (“Freaky Friday”), and I wondered what interesting or new you could bring in it. I should say that I really enjoyed your wonderful and funny story. Great concept. A lot of twists and turns. The characters are well designed. The dialogue is witty and smart. The action descriptions are well done and exciting. But there are a few things I would change.
First of all, I would change the title. The current one looks too ordinary. I would suggest trying something unusual, with twists&turns like your story is. I would suggest something like “One win, one loss, one death,one birth, the baby America&7 fortune cookies”. I believe there were 7 (?) cookies.Yes,I know, this title isn’t perfect, but something like this.
At the beginning I would cut that long dialogue about America (the baby :)) on pages 6-7 and instead of it I would add intercut telephone conversations.Your story takes place only in the restaurant, so intercuts will bring in some variety.I would add scenes where Matt talks to the boss, to his girlfriend and to his mother before&after he learns about winning the contest. Before he’s nice&sweet&gentle. For example, he wants to get some money from his mother and tells her something sweet “Dear mommy, I love you so much, how are you? How’s your leg? No pain? Oh,I’m so glad, I’m so glad, mom!” And then –“ Go fuck yourself”! Of course the dialogue (and the ones with the girlfriend& the boss)should be short, no need to discuss all mom’s problems and diseases.
Also sometimes I would add such intercuts when the other characters talk on the phone.
When Katie talks to police, I would suggest that everybody, not only Jeff, orders something funny&stupid.
Ok,all these are just details. The main thing I want to say is that the scenes when Irene is heavily injured and Katie is shot to death with brain&blood on a wall – IMHO these scenes immensely spoil your funny&amazing story. These seemed like it came out of another movie. I think Irene might collapse just on seeing the gun pointed at her. And the death of Katie shouldn’t be a real death. I would suggest a parody of death, a mockery of death, irony of fate.
I would suggest something like this: http://video.yandex.ru/users/rasputnik1991/view/19/ (84:00- the end of the movie). Here two men fight with swords, and one thrust the sword into the other, and there’s blood, the tragic face of the “dying” man , but then he suddenly realizes that it’s not blood at all. Have a look at it.
So, I would rewrite those two scenes. Also I think it could be a good play. Was it a play? No?
Anyway, thank you for your funny story, good luck and keep writing! Anna.
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First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews:
1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors.
2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it!
3. I do not write...
First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews:
1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors.
2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it!
3. I do not write about format errors because there are plenty of people here who will write to you about them.
I always concentrate on the story itself. I do believe if the story is boring and implausible, neither great dialogue nor perfect formatting can be any help. Quite the opposite, if the story is great, the dialogue can be easily rewritten and proper formatting is done. Now let’s get down to your story.
On reading several pages I wanted to remove the assignment. In Russian we say that it’s избитая история- a beaten story. I don’t know whether a story can be beaten in English :) But the concept looked like a cliche.A prosperous man loses everything. He worked with A-listers, now he works with freaks and takes up any work he can find. Yes, and finally he will get everything and even more back of course.
I don’t know why, but I continued reading and very soon discovered another story- much more interesting and original. I mean the story about two ambitious lawyers and their bet. I know in USA movies about lawyers are very popular. So, I would change the angle and make this the main story.
In the first scene Van goes to work and see, for example, a mother with a child or two children sitting at a table near a street café. The woman tries to feed them, the children don’t want to eat. Here goes Danny dressed as a chicken or a clown or something like this. A few minutes, a little show and the children start eating. Their mother and Van are impressed.
In the next scene we see Van at the office during the conference. But I see Van as a young lawyer, not a partner, as well as Bryce. Their boss speaks about the way of improving the work. Van remembers the scene with the children and suggests to hire a drama teacher.Here goes the bet between Van and Bryce. And the prize is to become a CEO or even a partner.
So, Van brings Danny Lyons and lessons begin. I would suggest to focus on 4-5 trainees, but don’t describe them just as “FLETCHER TRIMBLE, 20s, the world's whitest black man, STAN SPIEGELMAN, DIANE YANG, both 20s”. They should be different types of characters. For example, a sex bomb, a mousy little woman, a macho, a geek and I would add Fletcher-Kwame to them. During the classes these people play the opposite characters and do what they usually don’t do. For example, the mousy little woman has to act as a sex bomb; the sex bomb and the geek who hate each other in the real life have to play a loving couple. And not only play, perhaps they really change!
Also I would suggest when the lawyers follow and watch people across the city to pick a scene, it shouldn’t be just watching, I would add a chase, a misunderstanding or something like that.
Later, I think they shouldn’t perform some ordinary cases. Why don’t they judge/defend Captain Jack Sparrow? Darth Vader?
Then I would replace 5 small cases with 1 but big, important, long, desperate and hopeless. All the lawyers take part in it. And their opponent is a real shark who’s well-known as an unstoppable, successful and unconquerable lawyer. So, it will be a real fight.
And what about Bryce? Bryce tries to put a spoke in the wheel. First he may go to one of the lawyers and try to bribe or seduce him or her. Whether it’s Norman or someone else, we don’t know. We just see Bryce talking to someone. We learn later, at the hearings, who it is and what this person decides to do.
Also Bryce may go to the shark and even give some important documents to him.This adds some complications, Danny’s lawyers are close to losing the case, but finally they will win.
So, now Van is the CEO/partner and Danny gets his own Acting Studio. When he goes there, he sees his lawyers (including the new CEO) naked and covering their privates with Japanese fans :), as you described it. And I would call the movie "Pride of lawyers" :).
Good luck and keep writing! Anna.
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