Every line of Evermore crackles.
Your love for the life of Edgar Alan Poe shines through in every line of Evermore. You seem to have a scholar’s knowledge of his life and works. But unlike scholarly writing that is often dry, you have figured out a way to dramatize his life in an interesting way. In some ways Evermore is like a documentary except told in a much more dramatic way.
The characters are great samples of how to write a character with depth. I like how Griswold starts off as the apparent hero but over time reveals himself as the opposite. Then Poe, who you can’t help but like because of his obvious talent, is revealed as a bit of a nasty bitch himself.
Sometimes with TriggerStreet it is harder to offer feedback of the great work because I struggle to find the problems -- I’m just not that good a writer myself yet. I have racked my brain to give you some constructive feedback. Here are two suggestions:
1. Inciting Incident. Would you say the inciting incident is on page 28/9 when Griswold buys the latest Graham’s magazine and reads the article on Autography? Here he discovers that he himself is being mined for material and criticized. So the friendship that you have set up in Act I gets upset. Originally I was looking for it much earlier -- I thought it might have been when Griswold confides in Poe that he can’t have sex with his wife. But this is just character set up. I would like to see the inciting incident come earlier because I think you set up the characters well enough early on. I would like to have a feeling for the direction the story is taking earlier.
2. Mrs. Clem. More conflict between these two in the opening scene please. I realize there is some -- when she pushes Poe's papers off his desk. I realize you set up Mrs Clem needs Griswold because she needs the money from the publication so she is not going to be too difficult. But I think there should be more. On page 96 Mrs. Clem ignores Griswold when she tells the publisher that Griswold refused to publish “The Raven” poem and then right after this event her daughter dies. So why isn’t she angrier at Griswold?
That’s all my feedback. Thanks for sharing Evermore. I received a great lesson in writing characters with depth plus it was an enjoyable story. So, I think I got much more out of reading your script than you’ll get out of my review.
Other Reviews by Craig Rosenthal
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Hi Debra,
This is a highly-polished screenplay.
The concept is sound. It’s interesting to imagine the conflict between different brands of religion as they try to market themselves in Canada in the 1860s. And it’s really great how you mined your premise for conflict.
Your craft is great. You use simple precise action lines that leave me in no doubt what’s going on at all...
Hi Debra,
This is a highly-polished screenplay.
The concept is sound. It’s interesting to imagine the conflict between different brands of religion as they try to market themselves in Canada in the 1860s. And it’s really great how you mined your premise for conflict.
Your craft is great. You use simple precise action lines that leave me in no doubt what’s going on at all times. Every scene moves the story along or reveals something about character. Your dialogue feels authentic. Your characters are all really unique. And your structure is excellent.
But I wouldn’t be doing my job on Trigger Street unless I thought of a couple of things that could help you improve your story.
After scratching my head for a bit, here are a few:
The assumption when you see a character adding a mysterious powder to a drink is that it is poison/arsenic. Later you reveal it is Laudanum. Now I didn’t know what that was so I had to go check Wikipedia. Okay, so it’s like opium. Which means that Alice was deliberately trying to send her father crazy so that she could run her life the way she wanted. I don’t think -- or hope not --people will check Wikipedia while watching a movie so I think you need some more exposition here. Is Simon using Laudanum on some other patient so we understand it how it works?
Also no one ever mentions either directly to Alice or amongst themselves the injuries that Alice is getting from her father. You describe a rather brutal scene where her face is quite badly beaten, yet none of the character ever mention it.
Finally, I was left wondering why Alice would show Arnold’s letter to her abusive father. You later explain that it is some plan to get him to marry her and join the father’s church. I realize the father is not really thinking straight because of the opium but this logic is a bit fuzzy to me.
Overall this is a really well-told story. Well done.
Craig
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Hi Steven,
Rarely do I read a comedy script that is actually funny. This is a really well thought out story. You have a natural comedic style. The dialogue is great. The narration is brilliant. You set up ridiculous conflict between all of the characters. Really well done. I noticed you already have a 4-star rating so I guess you know a lot of this already.
It’s pretty smooth...
Hi Steven,
Rarely do I read a comedy script that is actually funny. This is a really well thought out story. You have a natural comedic style. The dialogue is great. The narration is brilliant. You set up ridiculous conflict between all of the characters. Really well done. I noticed you already have a 4-star rating so I guess you know a lot of this already.
It’s pretty smooth sailing reading this script. But at this high level of writing it might be worth letting you know a couple of little bumps I had along the way that might also be niggling you so that you can smooth them out to make your next draft even better.
Great how the story starts right off the bat with the inciting incident of Jefferson’s brother’s death. Then I like how you pushed it further with another inciting incident from the aliens POV. Nice touch -- the double tap. But I had a little trouble locating the break into Act II. Is it when Dan gets devoured on p34? I was just wondering if perhaps after Jefferson has sold up everything then could he make a decision to stay temporarily / just an extra day / an hour -- either for the right or wrong reasons (a bit like the Sheriff going looking for beer instead of taking charge of the developing Alien Zombie incident). At the moment he keeps on repeating how he wants to get away but he lingers. I think this will help make the structure clearer and the hero’s journey stronger because he decides to stay a bit longer.
Nice reversal on p.25 when Tom & Mary shoot the squirrels. This is a mark that you know what you are doing. I reckon good writers set up a series of logical events. But great writers do the same set ups and then reverse them. You did it again on p90 when you set up Shorty turning on Jefferson but he’s just given him a tool to help defeat the Devourer. Nice surprise.
Narration and freeze frame are great. But I think you need one more at the end of the story. At the moment the last one is: “You said you wanted Anne inside you”. Funny but I think you opened with great narration, the story will feel more complete with another final amusing comment from the narrator right at the end.
FInally, the exposition is a little heavy handed in Act III. After Shorty connects to Mary she does a lot of exposition on how to kill the Devourer. I agree she needs to do some but I think she can do a little less and you can communicate it through visuals. For example, Jefferson sees how the chord goes to the core of the Devourer/Mama and destroys her, so I don’t think you need to have Mary keep on repeating later that the way to kill Anne is to get to her core.
I really enjoyed reading this script. I was as happy as a dog who’s found a steak-flavored tennis ball reading it. This is a great writing sample and you should be able to get some notice from a manager or an agent if you haven’t already done so. Thanks for the great read and setting the bar higher at Trigger Street.
Craig
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Hi JD,
This was a fast, easy read. You have a great ability to create easily understandable scenes with the minimum number of words. This is a true gift.
Overall, I liked "Watch Out for the Little Ones". I think it’s interesting to collide vampires who are struggling to go straight in the wild of New Mexico in the 1800s.
I just have a couple of questions and suggestions...
Hi JD,
This was a fast, easy read. You have a great ability to create easily understandable scenes with the minimum number of words. This is a true gift.
Overall, I liked "Watch Out for the Little Ones". I think it’s interesting to collide vampires who are struggling to go straight in the wild of New Mexico in the 1800s.
I just have a couple of questions and suggestions that occurred to me during my read.
Is the girl in Mae’s painting always Aesa? Then you should just use her name Aesa consistently as you have already introduced her. Sometimes you do and some times you call her the girl in the painting.
On page 14 when you introduce the Native Boy, I think as he’s going to be a main character you can start calling him Nakai straight away even though the characters don’t learn his name until later. Just makes comprehension clearer for me.
Then on page 6 when Warren leaves is he just going for supplies? I assume that’s what he’s doing because he asks Mae if she wants “Powder, hairpins, rosewater”. Personally I don’t buy this. Why? Indian rebels are fighting the army and there is a plague spreading across the country. I don't have kids but I reckon no father would take a kid out into this and no mother would let her husband take the kid out. Therefore, you need to create a believable reason why. This is important because when Warren goes away this is what kind of sets the story in motion for Doc & Mae to make a happy little vampire family with Nakai. Is Jessie sick? Does he need medical attention or something else even more urgent?
Also I think you need to establish your hero earlier. In the first 30 pages I had trouble figuring out whose story it was and which character I should be following. Was it going to be Aesa, the girl in the picture, Warren, Doc, Mae or Nakai? There’s a lot going on in Act II. You have the prologue about the picture in 1576. Then 300 years later on at the homestead. Then Warren and Jesse traveling away. It’s not really clear until I got well into Act II and the dust has settled that I could see that I should be following Mae.
Then where would you say Act II begins? Is it when Hank arrives half dead? I struggled to find the act breaks and the mid point. Sure you have many obstacles and challenges but some weren’t big enough to indicate act breaks. My feeling is that too much happens on the homestead and then you have to cut away to things happening elsewhere. Have you considered making Mae more active? Like she has to make decisions and take the initiative and actually make a journey. The reason I suggest this is that it will make it easier to establish a structure and easier to determine your act breaks. If Mae is traveling to different places she is going to be much more active rather than making events and obstacles come to the homestead doorstep. Then I think also you won’t have to rely on FLASHBACK so much. We can just see things as Mae sees them.
Finally, on page 73 instead of nightmare just say flashback. Only because a nightmare can be imagined but I think your intention is that Hank remembers right before he dies.
Hope some of my interpretation of your script makes sense to you. And that some of my suggestions help you with your next draft.
Good luck
Craig
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