Review of: Death on the Number 12 Bus 

reviewed by Suesea on 07/28/2010
Credited Review
Full of Imagination Credited Review
Full of Imagination
Review of Death on the Number 12 Bus

I didn't know what to think of this story initially. I started reading and was hit by a few descriptive phrases I still don't understand. The description of the suntan turning her skin into “miniature slices of crispy dark toast” was confusing (and gross) and the “I tingle and mingle around the varying groups” left me perplexed. How does a person “tingle” around a group of people?

The second paragraph was confusing too. It's starts off fine kids playing around a paddling pool. Got it. The next couple of sentences were odd. You describe the fish and then go into the next sentence saying “I feel giddy just watching the kids as I think about how my life was enriched in complexities and responsibility, since achieving my silver swim survival badge.” What? That whole paragraph is tilting to the left. It's falling short of whatever imagery you are trying to create because it's skipping all over in your brain and leaving bits and pieces of information.

The next paragraph was similar to the previous ones. I'm not quite sure how parents at a barbecue can be “ritually sacrificing” sausages. What does that mean exactly? What are “comedy apron descriptions”? The next sentence, “War wounds are compared with the oddly singed eyebrow versus the fossili(z)ed prawn kebab burn on the forearm” left me shaking my head and thinking “Oh no, please don't let this story continue to be so confusing.” Thankfully, it began to pick up after the next paragraph.

The second paragraph on page two seemed to me like the place to start your story. It can begin there and alleviate much of the strangeness of the previous page. The second and third paragraph on page 2 were enjoyable. The fourth paragraph has another odd sentence. “He has a pale, white complexion with sunken eyes into chalk cliff like features.” What? I can't envision that at all.

The next paragraph top of page three was enjoyable. I'm beginning to get more of a feel for your writing style which I think is very unique. You lost me completely when Mr. D pops out. Where did he come from? The guy was sitting there eating coleslaw and potato salad in one paragraph and then you begin another paragraph with “the tall, weird bloke holds in his right hand what appears to be a large steely implement...” Where did this guy come from? The change going from one paragraph to the next has no flow. It's like a big slap in the face where your left thinking, “What did you do that for?”

The rest of the story flows a bit better. I found your description of when the character meets Mr. D and tries to evade him funny. You have a wonderful imagination. The telling of her getting on the bus and the rest of the story was clever. I wish it had all been that way. The ending was good.

Good luck.

Other Reviews by Suesea 171

  • A review of Caution While Merging
    by Suesea on 10/08/2010
    This screenplay starts a bit slow. It appears as though not much is happening on the first ten-20 pages. The characters are going about their daily routine, however, the writer is carefully laying the foundation for some incredible, jaw dropping, twists and turns. The structure of the screenplay (the format) is good, but I have a feeling that the slow pace of the first 20... read
  • by Suesea on 10/07/2010
    That was a superficial take on some serious subjects. I have to say I wasn't expecting the ending. At one point, I thought vampires, but it turned out way different. I just read your production notes and see that you have posted a final draft. If it's assigned to me, I'd be glad to review it as well. Since I read this one, I'm going to go ahead and post my notes. Since... read
  • A review of Play It Where It Lays
    by Suesea on 10/07/2010
    You accomplished what you intended. I finished this story with a chuckle and a smile. It's definitely well written and an entertaining piece. The concept works well in this format, but I can also picture it as a screenplay. It seems a perfect beginning to a twisted comedy. There's not much description of the two characters. I thought adding some physical description would... read
+ more reviews