Full of Imagination
Full of Imagination
Review of Death on the Number 12 Bus
I didn't know what to think of this story initially. I started reading and was hit by a few descriptive phrases I still don't understand. The description of the suntan turning her skin into “miniature slices of crispy dark toast” was confusing (and gross) and the “I tingle and mingle around the varying groups” left me perplexed. How does a person “tingle” around a group of people?
The second paragraph was confusing too. It's starts off fine kids playing around a paddling pool. Got it. The next couple of sentences were odd. You describe the fish and then go into the next sentence saying “I feel giddy just watching the kids as I think about how my life was enriched in complexities and responsibility, since achieving my silver swim survival badge.” What? That whole paragraph is tilting to the left. It's falling short of whatever imagery you are trying to create because it's skipping all over in your brain and leaving bits and pieces of information.
The next paragraph was similar to the previous ones. I'm not quite sure how parents at a barbecue can be “ritually sacrificing” sausages. What does that mean exactly? What are “comedy apron descriptions”? The next sentence, “War wounds are compared with the oddly singed eyebrow versus the fossili(z)ed prawn kebab burn on the forearm” left me shaking my head and thinking “Oh no, please don't let this story continue to be so confusing.” Thankfully, it began to pick up after the next paragraph.
The second paragraph on page two seemed to me like the place to start your story. It can begin there and alleviate much of the strangeness of the previous page. The second and third paragraph on page 2 were enjoyable. The fourth paragraph has another odd sentence. “He has a pale, white complexion with sunken eyes into chalk cliff like features.” What? I can't envision that at all.
The next paragraph top of page three was enjoyable. I'm beginning to get more of a feel for your writing style which I think is very unique. You lost me completely when Mr. D pops out. Where did he come from? The guy was sitting there eating coleslaw and potato salad in one paragraph and then you begin another paragraph with “the tall, weird bloke holds in his right hand what appears to be a large steely implement...” Where did this guy come from? The change going from one paragraph to the next has no flow. It's like a big slap in the face where your left thinking, “What did you do that for?”
The rest of the story flows a bit better. I found your description of when the character meets Mr. D and tries to evade him funny. You have a wonderful imagination. The telling of her getting on the bus and the rest of the story was clever. I wish it had all been that way. The ending was good.
Good luck.
Other Reviews by Suesea
171
-
This screenplay starts a bit slow. It appears as though not much is happening on the first ten-20 pages. The characters are going about their daily routine, however, the writer is carefully laying the foundation for some incredible, jaw dropping, twists and turns.
The structure of the screenplay (the format) is good, but I have a feeling that the slow pace of the first 20...
This screenplay starts a bit slow. It appears as though not much is happening on the first ten-20 pages. The characters are going about their daily routine, however, the writer is carefully laying the foundation for some incredible, jaw dropping, twists and turns.
The structure of the screenplay (the format) is good, but I have a feeling that the slow pace of the first 20 pages may hurt the screenplay's success. I'm not sure how you'd do it, but adding some of that spicy conflict to the beginning of the story to hook the reader would be a good idea. I understand after reading it, how the first pages build the foundation for the plot and the characters actions, but if you submit this to a professional reader, or editor, I wonder if they will give it a fair shot and continue reading?
My notes:
p1 Why not tell us where we are? If you haven't read it yet, the book, “Your Screenplay Sucks!,” by William Akers is pretty good. One of the things it suggests, is that you be specific about your location and treat it as a character. On page 27 of his book, he states, “There is no such thing as an 'average small town.' No such thing as a 'medium-size city.' Probably not in real life and certainly not in a movie. If you are not incredibly specific with your choice of location, be it country, city, or particular room in a house, you will not write as well as you should.” And he continues, “A sense of place should be treated as a separate character. Does your story happen in the correct time and location you are trying to get across? Where you put people is crucial.” I'm still learning how to write a screenplay, so I'll just note that information for you. When I read the beginning of you SP, I thought of his advice, and I'd kind of like to have a mental picture of where this SP takes place.
P1 Why did you state Connor's age so specifically? “(46)” Why not just say, (40s)?
p8 You write, “Many of the women are noticeably younger than Sandy – 30 year olds with MBAs from top colleges. Sandy is all too aware of this – threatened even – but tries not to show it.” Since you aren't supposed to tell us the character's emotional state, is it possible to show this emotion through her actions? “If the camera can't see it, you can't write it.” William Akers. (p.171, Your Screenplay Sucks!)
p10- I was looking for your inciting incident. Is it when Mr. Walsh tells Sandy she can have the Glad garbage bag account? I don't imagine it has to be on page ten exactly, but should it be clear?
P12 The dialog on this page bothered me a bit. It made Spencer less likeable. Although, I liked him more as I continued reading. On page twelve, Spencer says some stuff about Ronnie that doesn't seem real. I'm not sure a guy would make those comments about his best friend. He comes off sounding spoiled, jealous, and like a whiner. I thought I'd mention it, in case you want to have another look. He can say something that sets up his desire for Ronnie's girlfriend, but too much makes him look like a lousy friend.
P19 “Dana and Neil approach the table together for five. Connor stands up.” I struck a line through together for five. It makes the sentence strange to leave it.
P21 I found Dana's question to Neil on this page bizarre. She asks him how he got his job. It seemed bizarre to me because she is 19 and he's much older. I was surprised that she'd even care how he got his job. Maybe you are trying to show the connection building between the two. Is there another, more realistic, way to do it?
P52 “Sorry, I don't anything, Lisa.” There's something missing here.
I got so caught up in the action of the next 50 pages, that I didn't take any notes. Sorry, but it was a super good read. The transition on page 106 from the car with Connor and Dana into the strip club is great. It's so smooth.
The ending is touching. I'm glad the movie stops on a positive note, but you do leave some things unsettled. Did Sandy ever find out about Connor's affair? Did they put everything behind them and just grow stronger as a family? Maybe that's what you are showing? Also, I'm not sure what it meant that Spencer and Lisa went into the Clinic. Is she finding out if she's pregnant? There were a couple of loose ends, but that's true to life. I'm just not sure how I'd feel about that if I saw this at the theater. I think I'd want to know what happened.
I really enjoyed your screenplay, and I think it would be a great movie to watch.
Thanks for sharing it. I gave this SP Good marks on all counts.
Suesea
read
-
That was a superficial take on some serious subjects. I have to say I wasn't expecting the ending. At one point, I thought vampires, but it turned out way different.
I just read your production notes and see that you have posted a final draft. If it's assigned to me, I'd be glad to review it as well. Since I read this one, I'm going to go ahead and post my notes.
Since...
That was a superficial take on some serious subjects. I have to say I wasn't expecting the ending. At one point, I thought vampires, but it turned out way different.
I just read your production notes and see that you have posted a final draft. If it's assigned to me, I'd be glad to review it as well. Since I read this one, I'm going to go ahead and post my notes.
Since this story was uploaded 6/2008, I imagine you have been bombarded about the structure of the story and the missing commas, paragraphs, and that the dialog wasn't indented. I'll leave it at that.
Other than that, the story is OK. You may also want to look at how paragraphs transition to see if the thought process is smooth. I noticed a few ideas jump quickly to completely different ideas. (Again, you probably already heard about that.)
I'm glad the story was brief and original. I like to care about the characters and get a feel for their situation. This story is written in a flippant, matter-of-fact, way that made it harder to do. If there was a little more background or information about the characters, it may be more engaging.
Good job creating a uniquely bizarre, surprising story.
Suesea
read
-
You accomplished what you intended. I finished this story with a chuckle and a smile. It's definitely well written and an entertaining piece.
The concept works well in this format, but I can also picture it as a screenplay. It seems a perfect beginning to a twisted comedy.
There's not much description of the two characters. I thought adding some physical description would...
You accomplished what you intended. I finished this story with a chuckle and a smile. It's definitely well written and an entertaining piece.
The concept works well in this format, but I can also picture it as a screenplay. It seems a perfect beginning to a twisted comedy.
There's not much description of the two characters. I thought adding some physical description would be helpful. I chose to see them in their best golf attire which added to the humor of the moment.
The structure is good, but giving a little more background will build attachment to the characters and get the reader more engaged. That way we care more about what happens.
All in all, I liked this. I think you have a talent for building suspense. Good job.
Susan
read
+ more reviews
