Review of: Punished Woman's Lake 

reviewed by John Quest on 09/23/2008
Credited Review
John Quest
Get out the Kleenex. Credited Review
Review of Punished Woman’s Lake.
9-22-08
I lived in South Dakota, mostly in the Black Hills area. I for one am dam proud of that State. It is an awesome community with some beautiful landscapes.

To bad it is going to be wiped off the map when Yellowstone blows.

I like the premise of the script.
As of page twenty not much happening,

I can only guess it will pick up. Most of the time you need something substantial by page ten. This doesn’t happen.

The interview process is a little slow, you might consider just jumping in with the boys being introduced as the new hires.

Try to work on the opening, maybe bring some climax from latter in the script for the opening.

Page 21
“CAL
Thanks for the job security.
The two men laugh as they finish their beers.”

This line needs to be fixed. It needs to read “Thanks, for the offer but maybe you will be working for me on my ranch. You just never know”

Page 49 Continuity issu
“ANNA
When I was ten, my cousins and I
were swimming and I got my foot
tangled up in some thick seaweed
over there.”

There is no seaweed in a fresh water lake. Maybe a tree or a bush, Seaweed will not work here.

Page 64 incomplete Dialog

“TY
You've lived a great Gerald.”

Page 70 dialog needs attention
“CAL
This is a letter I received from my
old boss when I worked in Nebraska.”

Page 77 check dialog
“CAL
Nothing. Do you know the ledged
behind this lake?”

Well at this point I am three quarters of the way through the script and it seems to move a bit slow.

Good on the romantic stuff. The back story is lacking at this point. If that is what you want then everything is good.

One nice thing is production will be inexpensive to this point.

Page 84 Dialog problem
“around to take on more look, and then turns off the light
and leaves.”

The reason I point these things out is they can be hard find when editing.

Page 99 Whoa, Nelli!!! Ya lost me.
The Diver has pulled Cal's body from the lake. His ankles
are wrapped tightly with seaweek.

At this point this story goes south like a Goose with no landing gear.

Playing with emotions is good.

The part about the two characters getting attacked by “seaweek”, needs to be re-worked(SIC).

If you want her to die, have Anna go into a grandma seizure or something after she falls into the water. Then have Call get snagged on an old car on the bottom of the lake trying to free Anna. Then Anna floats up where Ty can retrieve her body.

If I were you I would dump the killer seaweed unless you want to write a horror flick.

Ending is good, this story has is constantly building up until the end.

Sad stories are not for me just because I like to make-laugh rather than cry.

This is a good tear jerker and there are plenty of people looking to get their tears jerked.

JQ

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