Ghosts of Alcatraz
CONCEPT: the thought of a prison ghost intrigued me.
CHARACTERS:
VIC SOLO was a recovering drug addicted low life with a mysterious past. I didn't get a feel for him. I mean what made him go to drugs? How did a low life hook up with a single mom? And his past was life was confusing. Did he kill them just get money for drugs? Did I miss it? I didn't understand the connection between him and Mad Dog.
HELEN was a weak female character. What single mom would date an ex-drug addict? We didn't know her attraction to him and why she would move cross country with him.
MAD DOG, there wasn't much to him. He just wanted freedom even though we don't get to know on how he would attain it.
ALEX was the bright spot. Video game kid who knows about ghosts.
DIALOGUE: was precise but felt like you were telling us what was going to happen instead of showing us. I think you could be a little more subtle.
STORY was confusing. As of now I'm thinking that Vic was really Peter Swain who kills his family but then takes a prisoner's identity? If that's right then it doesn't make any sense to me.
OVERALL, i like the fact that you have minimal characters. I like that your dialogue isn't clunky but yet needs more sparkle. I like Alex but other than him the other characters aren't likable. Add more depth and believability to your characters and clear up the plot of the story a bit. Nothing personal it's just my two cents.
Other Reviews by 10pagesaday
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Congrats on writing a pretty cool script. I thought your premise was fantastic being there aren't many serial killer westerns out there.
You did very well at breathing life into your characters. Annie was a tough broad and daughter of a sheriff. She almost seemed heroic until the end. Sheriff Randolph seemed like the typical old cool and calm tough sheriff that we seen before...
Congrats on writing a pretty cool script. I thought your premise was fantastic being there aren't many serial killer westerns out there.
You did very well at breathing life into your characters. Annie was a tough broad and daughter of a sheriff. She almost seemed heroic until the end. Sheriff Randolph seemed like the typical old cool and calm tough sheriff that we seen before but you gave him enough backstory to make him different.
The dialogue wasn't exactly flashy to me but it was written very well. Everyone had their own distinct voice which is huge when writing a story.
Overall, this was a great script. One of the best I've read but I do however a few minor gripes. You make Annie a tough gal but she freezes when Christopher gets punched in the face. Maybe you were trying to tell us something with that scene and I missed it. After Annie tells the Sheriff that the killer might be watching one of them it was kind of weird that they didn't take any precautions to protect Sally and Betsy. Also, when he finds his daughters missing I didn't get any sense of outrage from him or Annie. Not one to gripe though because I'm all about the story and this was a great one.
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I really can't explain your concept. All i can say is at least it's different.
Your characters were superb. They all had their own voice and dialogue. I didn't know what to make of Agnes at first. Was she mentally impaired, mute, insane or all of the above? She actually comes into her own and takes over the story toward the end. So, i guess she was just illiterate and once...
I really can't explain your concept. All i can say is at least it's different.
Your characters were superb. They all had their own voice and dialogue. I didn't know what to make of Agnes at first. Was she mentally impaired, mute, insane or all of the above? She actually comes into her own and takes over the story toward the end. So, i guess she was just illiterate and once she learned to read she was okay. Frank seemed like a good guy who just wanted to go about life in peace but people being people made something simple a bit hard. Now, you described him as retarded but I didn't get that, I got a man who was on his own since he was a child and had stunted growth. Anyway, you did an excellent job writing them.
Your dialogue was well done. Everyone talked differently and had their own vernacular.
Now, the story is where I think lost me. People just moving place to place because of? I don't know. Maybe, it's me I couldn't catch your theme or what it was you're trying to say. At first, I thought people wanted them out of town because Frank and Agnes were a little slow but in Georgetown it seemed they wanted them out because they were in Smalls' way of making it his own. It just wasn't enough tension in the last thirty pages. Or like I said I just didn't get it.
Overall, you got more things right than you got wrong but the biggest thing in my book is story. The story runs a little slow and flat. I think once they arrive in Georgetown that you need to ratchet up more tension when Smalls arrives and give him more screen time and show us more of his good/villainous intentions.
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Non story stuff:
Narrative and action scenes should be 3 sentences max.
Never use "starts" or "begins".
Write in present tense.
Less is more. At times you give way too much detail.
Ext. Parking Lot - Day
A helicopter awaits Max. or anything less than the over detailed version you already have.
Now, to the script, I think the story is basic. A con becomes free in a...
Non story stuff:
Narrative and action scenes should be 3 sentences max.
Never use "starts" or "begins".
Write in present tense.
Less is more. At times you give way too much detail.
Ext. Parking Lot - Day
A helicopter awaits Max. or anything less than the over detailed version you already have.
Now, to the script, I think the story is basic. A con becomes free in a vehicle accident and makes a run for it. It's simple but some might feel a little too simple. Maybe take a stab at our current Prison system on how you go in non violent and come out extremely violent due to the fact that prison's don't rehabilitate because they're for profit. As of now, we have a psychotic Warden who does a lot of bad things with no motive.
I thought Wolf was a fantastic character. Starts off as juvie but due to the way our prisons are structured becomes a lifer. Like I said before you can expand on that and go deeper. Your other characters though need some work. The Warden I mention just does things for no reason. Max has a cliched bad marriage he wants to fix but that's been done a million times over. Give his character another background of maybe having a non violent brother who was killed in jail or something other than the wife ordeal. Dixie was a good character but I thought she was a little too friendly to Wolf after just being gang raped.
Overall, I liked the script but it needs major improvements in the structure department. Your story could go a little deeper and characters could shine a little more.
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