God says "goodbye, Mother".... maybe
Thanks for the opportunity to read this piece. This reader must confess to being confused as to its theme. Is your narrator an alien or a "God" who implanted himself into a human female in order to be born for.... what? Are these the observations of a misanthrope who believes himself/herself to be above his family and humanity? It appears you are trying to say something here about life and death and human behavior but, regrettably, this reader is unable to fathom that message and only wishes that he could be more helpful via this review.
TYPOS - GRAMMAR - WORD CHOICE - [suggestions]
humanity was falling away / humanity was slipping away - [this repetition isn't productive, in this reader's opinion]
pop each other’s knuckles - [makes it sound like people are having a knuckle popping circle]
The portraits on the bedside table got my attention - [pretty long paragraph dealing with disparate topics]
pealed his own skin away - peeled his own skin away
Other Reviews by bigheadx
256
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This is a cute, extremely brief story with a twist that is a slight surprise. As a writing exercise, this reader admires your effort. But at the basic story level, what is so unusual about an older, unattractive man having a young, much admired dog? The repetition of reactions from strangers seem merely in place so as to "pay off" and exaggerate the twist. Even an adolescent...
This is a cute, extremely brief story with a twist that is a slight surprise. As a writing exercise, this reader admires your effort. But at the basic story level, what is so unusual about an older, unattractive man having a young, much admired dog? The repetition of reactions from strangers seem merely in place so as to "pay off" and exaggerate the twist. Even an adolescent reader might feel manipulated.
That said, in this reader's opinion, the writing is clean, colorful, and devoid of mistakes (but, why so many semi-colons? many are inappropriate and/or unnecessary).
Nice job!
read
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Thanks for the opportunity to read this brief and interesting short story. The writing is terse but colorful, like a light show of words as you set the reader up for the funny/shocking twist at the end of what is a fairly "stock" concept. Congratulations on a nicely executed adult fantasy tale.
This reader has offered some suggestions/corrections below.
================================...
Thanks for the opportunity to read this brief and interesting short story. The writing is terse but colorful, like a light show of words as you set the reader up for the funny/shocking twist at the end of what is a fairly "stock" concept. Congratulations on a nicely executed adult fantasy tale.
This reader has offered some suggestions/corrections below.
================================
I catch only fragments of my friend’s conversation - no new paragraph here
but I watch her mouth move - but I watch her lips move
They are rapt in one another. - awkward; know what you intend, but unclear
Sure you ok? - Sure you're ok?
The reply isn’t instant, but at least she smiles. She says, “do I know you?” - The reply isn’t instant, but at least she smiles. She says, “Do I know you?”
She lets me down gently, "not tonight, Andy. Not tonight." - She lets me down gently, "Not tonight, Andy. Not tonight."
The ape re-enters the bar knuckles scraping the floor - The ape re-enters the bar, knuckles scraping the floor
The bounce at her chest denies any suggestion of a bra. - The bounce of her chest denies any suggestion of a bra.
“Did I do good?” Says the auburn haired desire. - “Did I do good?” says the auburn haired desire. [your spell-checker is your enemy here, I think]
“I want to fuck,” it’s the only thing I can say. - “I want to fuck,” is the only thing I can say.
read
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Thanks for the opportunity to read this brief and interesting short story. The writing is terse but colorful, like a light show of words as you set the reader up for the funny/shocking twist at the end of what is a fairly "stock" concept. Congratulations on a nicely executed adult fantasy tale.
This reader has offered some suggestions/corrections below.
================================...
Thanks for the opportunity to read this brief and interesting short story. The writing is terse but colorful, like a light show of words as you set the reader up for the funny/shocking twist at the end of what is a fairly "stock" concept. Congratulations on a nicely executed adult fantasy tale.
This reader has offered some suggestions/corrections below.
================================
I catch only fragments of my friend’s conversation - no new paragraph here
but I watch her mouth move - but I watch her lips move
They are rapt in one another. - awkward; know what you intend, but unclear
Sure you ok? - Sure you're ok?
The reply isn’t instant, but at least she smiles. She says, “do I know you?” - The reply isn’t instant, but at least she smiles. She says, “Do I know you?”
She lets me down gently, "not tonight, Andy. Not tonight." - She lets me down gently, "Not tonight, Andy. Not tonight."
The ape re-enters the bar knuckles scraping the floor - The ape re-enters the bar, knuckles scraping the floor
The bounce at her chest denies any suggestion of a bra. - The bounce of her chest denies any suggestion of a bra.
“Did I do good?” Says the auburn haired desire. - “Did I do good?” says the auburn haired desire. [your spell-checker is your enemy here, I think]
“I want to fuck,” it’s the only thing I can say. - “I want to fuck,” is the only thing I can say.
read
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