Good Creepy Read
I enjoyed this. It was very creepy. I felt claustrophobic thanks to the literally in-your-face approach from the cameramen. I think you could go further with these cameramen. How about a camera lens attack somewhere in the story - literally having camera lenses battering someone to death (the wife prior to losing her eyes?). I'm thinking of that old chiller from the sixties (British I think) where you see killing from the point of view of the camera man - can't remember the title sorry.
Overall your dialogue was good. I suggest changes to the following though:
“Well sir my wife and I work hard. We have never done anything except abide by the rules given to us by society..." etc
This was much too stilted to make me feel like I could identify with this guy. Over the course of the story I did identify with him, but right here I think he could sound much more natural...perhaps bumbling.
“Can this day get any stranger,” Richard questions himself?
This is a bit on-the-nose for me. I would suggest you cut it out since we've already aware of how strange things are without needing it spelt out.
“You have taken everything from me. I have nothing left,”
Again, I'd cut this out. We've seen the dead wife, so having Richard state the obvious is overkill for me.
“No one would watch this sick disgusting show,”
In the circumstances, perhaps he'd not be of the mindset to have an opinion about the show. I'd be more like "Sick bastards! Graaagh!" and charging at the suit to smash his face in! :o)
Having the people disappear in a ball of fire didn't do it for me. I'd prefer to see them quietly pack up their gear and leave. Perhaps a neighbour could arrive and scream. A 'realistic' ending is more startling and chilling for me personally.
Cool story. Very Twilight Zone. The HIV bit was so outrageous (was it intended to be black humour) that I chuckled.
The forty year old man as the kid was a bit unbelievable. He is very creepy but I'd prefer to see a real kid in that role, just for the sake of keeping things a bit believable.
Well done. As a horror fan I lapped your story up.
Other Reviews by dunphoid
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Nice slick writing and good dialogue that I could clearly imagine being said.
The smugness of the narrator from start to finish was fun. I saw faint flashes of 'The Dude' from The Big Lebowski in my mind as I read -- just this laid back guy in an environment which seems alien to him, who hardly ever gets ruffled.
I could get a real sense of John getting very wound up, and...
Nice slick writing and good dialogue that I could clearly imagine being said.
The smugness of the narrator from start to finish was fun. I saw faint flashes of 'The Dude' from The Big Lebowski in my mind as I read -- just this laid back guy in an environment which seems alien to him, who hardly ever gets ruffled.
I could get a real sense of John getting very wound up, and his cockiness also.
The twist was interesting and certainly turned the story on its head.
The "smarter than a smart phone" line seemed a bit out of character for John (with all his big talk about financial buffetings and cost related sidings). It was a fun quirky line, but just didn't ring true with John for me.
I kept imagining an alternative version of this story at play -- same characters and setting, except where someone has discovered the narrator's secret (maybe the kidnappers he mentioned). Getting to see him under real strain/pressure could reveal the humanity in him better I think than him telling us about his wife, kids and charity work.
Nice read! Thanks, and good luck.
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Fun story that brightened my day.
Very nice location description in opening paragraph subtly interwoven with history.
For the hero the use of "smallish" to describe him didn't read right to me. Maybe give a sense of his small size/proportion compared to the chair he's sat on or the table he's sat at? By the same token, tallish seemed okay for Rocky (the bad guy!). "Smallish"...
Fun story that brightened my day.
Very nice location description in opening paragraph subtly interwoven with history.
For the hero the use of "smallish" to describe him didn't read right to me. Maybe give a sense of his small size/proportion compared to the chair he's sat on or the table he's sat at? By the same token, tallish seemed okay for Rocky (the bad guy!). "Smallish" just kind of sticks with Tom as an unflattering overall impression.
Little snapshots of dialogue (even just one line) from Rocky would be nice just after "the centre of attention in the middle of the cigarette smoke filled bar, and in the "Rocky had immediately informed everyone" paragraph.
"TT motorcycle races" -- not needed I feel. The British Olympic team and the eventual "better swimmer" examples convey him enough I think.
Love the moment when Tom speaks up.
"Thus" -- bit dated
Couple of typos:
"black dog. Will"
"One the pub’s regulars"
This line could be broken up I feel: "One the pub’s regulars Albert Preston a middle aged man with a pockmarked face who doubled as the local rat catcher who also played the piano in the pub on a Saturday night was nodding sagely,"
Dialogue here reads overly staccato (rest of your dialogue is great): “It’s a bet then Rocky. Let‘s get on with
it. My dinner‘s at three. Can‘t be late for it. My landlady is a devil for timekeeping.” Perhaps the bar lady could back and forth with him briefly here to break it up a bit?
"both eyeing the swirling river Don with a more than doubtful look in their eyes" -- I like this moment a lot.
Exciting -- the build-up to the contest.
Liked “Get on with it!” -- funny but also conveys the eager anticipation of the crowd.
Overall, a feel-good story with a nice little 'bonus' twist at the end which made me smile.
Nice story! Nice specific sense of location and the people who live there. The more I write I'm discovering that getting some solid locations setup properly is half the battle...so you're definitely 'on the money' :o) Thanks for the read, and best of luck!
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I enjoyed Reviewing Rachel. A neat twist at the end reminiscent of The Ring-type curses that get passed on and on…always good chilling territory. The story taps into human greed and lies in its approach to plagiarism, which gives the story a bit more substance than a mere curse-passed-on-chain story.
It's not until later in the story I noticed the "aged casement windows" and...
I enjoyed Reviewing Rachel. A neat twist at the end reminiscent of The Ring-type curses that get passed on and on…always good chilling territory. The story taps into human greed and lies in its approach to plagiarism, which gives the story a bit more substance than a mere curse-passed-on-chain story.
It's not until later in the story I noticed the "aged casement windows" and "first floor apartment of the old house". For a horror story, I'd like to see much more location/setting info for Nick upfront. I craved the 'feeling' a specific sense of location would give me from the story get-go.
I think you could cut from the end of "terribly wrong of late." to "It was almost six months ago" and not miss much.
It was cool the way you swoop into the world of Rachel's vampire story.
I liked the use of 'aloof' for the cat.
I loved the Rachel's mesmerising bio -- very nice writing here.
The spell-casting went on a bit too long for me (pages 5 and 6)…my mind started to wander. I would prefer a a simple quick spell from her and then BANG -- there's a terrible skulking demon brute in the room right behind poor old Nick. That's just my taste however…preferring things a little snappier at times.
As I said, I enjoyed this. Nice and visual…with the standout moments being the descent into Rachel's vampire story and then her bio. Thanks for the read, and best of luck.
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