Review of: Rock Bottom
reviewed by dunphoid on 05/19/2010
Good Creepy Read
I enjoyed this. It was very creepy. I felt claustrophobic thanks to the literally in-your-face approach from the cameramen. I think you could go further with these cameramen. How about a camera lens attack somewhere in the story - literally having camera lenses battering someone to death (the wife prior to losing her eyes?). I'm thinking of that old chiller from the sixties (British I think) where you see killing from the point of view of the camera man - can't remember the title sorry.
Overall your dialogue was good. I suggest changes to the following though:
“Well sir my wife and I work hard. We have never done anything except abide by the rules given to us by society..." etc
This was much too stilted to make me feel like I could identify with this guy. Over the course of the story I did identify with him, but right here I think he could sound much more natural...perhaps bumbling.
“Can this day get any stranger,” Richard questions himself?
This is a bit on-the-nose for me. I would suggest you cut it out since we've already aware of how strange things are without needing it spelt out.
“You have taken everything from me. I have nothing left,”
Again, I'd cut this out. We've seen the dead wife, so having Richard state the obvious is overkill for me.
“No one would watch this sick disgusting show,”
In the circumstances, perhaps he'd not be of the mindset to have an opinion about the show. I'd be more like "Sick bastards! Graaagh!" and charging at the suit to smash his face in! :o)
Having the people disappear in a ball of fire didn't do it for me. I'd prefer to see them quietly pack up their gear and leave. Perhaps a neighbour could arrive and scream. A 'realistic' ending is more startling and chilling for me personally.
Cool story. Very Twilight Zone. The HIV bit was so outrageous (was it intended to be black humour) that I chuckled.
The forty year old man as the kid was a bit unbelievable. He is very creepy but I'd prefer to see a real kid in that role, just for the sake of keeping things a bit believable.
Well done. As a horror fan I lapped your story up.
Other Reviews by dunphoid 139
A review of Aswang Abominationby dunphoid on 01/09/2014As a horror buff I really enjoyed this story. Throughout there was a really aggressive, ferocious feel to the aswangs-- all very tangible and easy to visualise. Perhaps one too many accounts of the aswangs in the opening part of the story, but terrific from the visit to village onwards: "It was another aswang, watching us drive by. It was drooling with its mouth wide open,... read
A review of The Tipping Gameby dunphoid on 01/09/2014Nice ring of authenticity to this laid-back tale. Good sense of location. THe style of writing at the beginning was quite abrupt and poetic, albeit engaging. Dialogue was excellent. While I couldn't necessarily distinguish between the speakers the accent was well represented in that I could see and hear them talking as I read. Came to life. "You look rosier than usual. You... read
A review of After Birth Rev. 1by dunphoid on 01/08/2014Enjoyable story with some gorgeous moments. What puzzled me was why Beth and Gabby couldn't be aware that Dr. Pikeman was also in on the 'rescue'? After-all, they learned that Nurse Moorhouse would help them, so why not the doctor too? Him popping up from the car at the end I thought was a bit confusing. Also, in that really good tense scene in the laundry room, why does... read