Good Ideas But Poor Development
I like the idea of the story although it feels like the script puts a more negative spin on the lead's sexual preference than the other character's do. This fact should have more relevance or at least a more immediate consequence.I also felt the dialogue was not written for the time period the story is set within. The dialogue seemed much to modern. Of course, it should be in German and I understand some liberties need to be taken but the characters and dialogue do not feel historical enough.My biggest complaint would be from pacing. No scene is given enough time to really develop and as a result I did not feel a connection with any characters. This speed works sometimes but fails in most cases when dealing with an historical drama such as this.
NOTE: This review does not factor into the site rankings.
Other Reviews by donarumo
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There technically nothing wrong with this script. It hits all the appropriate points to be a modern screenplay, boy leaves home, becomes a hero, etc. etc. It has all the characters you'd expect from a college party film. It's formatted well and no typos jumped out at me. So, technically nothing wrong.
But there's little that would make me go see this film. The humor is...
There technically nothing wrong with this script. It hits all the appropriate points to be a modern screenplay, boy leaves home, becomes a hero, etc. etc. It has all the characters you'd expect from a college party film. It's formatted well and no typos jumped out at me. So, technically nothing wrong.
But there's little that would make me go see this film. The humor is sometimes funny even when being base. Unfortunately, most of the humor seems to be a retread of what we've seen before in movies like this. Every character is a cartoon, over the top, stereotypical rehash. I would have loved if Chad and Gill had more soul, if they were more three dimensional.
When this script is at its best, it's clever and silly. The aliens toward the beginning are an example. The "malt" humor, giving a beer to baby, etc. Also, the "miner" joke made me laugh. At it's worse, the script is vulgar without needing to be and predictable to a fault. The old lady saying "fuck" comes to mind as something that seemed without merit and not especially funny. Her doing coke as well. I think, sometimes, you manage to walk that line fairly well. The "swelling" jokes were okay without being too nasty.
Perhaps I'm not the right market for a film like this but it seems to be even the frat boy target demographic would want something a little more. Also, be careful about repeating jokes as they are never funny the second time. The use of "double-wide" when referring to things around the home shopping network is an example.
This feels more like a script for a video game more than a film. That's not a bad thing and I do think it works sometimes.
Moving away from the humor, I think the plot is fine. There's nothing really surprising except perhaps the girls being aliens - that was a nice reveal. We kind of know where the film is headed the whole time. Again, perhaps not a bad thing and this may be what you were going for. I would have liked to have seen a more difficult battle at the end. I'm not saying a more physical contest with Gill, I like that they defeat him with words and make him explode, but it seemed a little too easy. If this was a video game, that level would have been too short.
As for the main characters, the male and female leads are fine for the most part. They seem fairly well drawn. The secondary "friend" characters need some depth though.
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I loved this script. Really. This type of thing is right up my alley (no ass reference intended). The characters were wonderful and the setting is so much fun, I would love to see you play in it some more. It reminded me of "The Bard's Tale" game or a Xanth novel perhaps. The world was realistically created yet did not take itself too seriously. An entertaining read all...
I loved this script. Really. This type of thing is right up my alley (no ass reference intended). The characters were wonderful and the setting is so much fun, I would love to see you play in it some more. It reminded me of "The Bard's Tale" game or a Xanth novel perhaps. The world was realistically created yet did not take itself too seriously. An entertaining read all around.
I did found what I though were a couple of problems. One was Hawthorn's motivation. It sounds cliche but he really needs something to drive him through the script. Bren's obsiosly the most likeable character but Hawthorn is the driver. He doesn't really get a true motivator until page 61 (the amulet). Perhaps you could had a side story sprinkled through the script, something that propells the Hawthorn.
The only other issues I found were not huge deals but I think correcting these would help. One, I don't understand Hawthorn's and Tesha's relationship. I feel like you were trying for something here but I found it confusing. Also, around pages 83-84, I found Bren's change to not be strong enough to warrent Panedera's reaction. He should do something more here to show he's being more of an ass than a decent catch.
Overall, again, I loved it. A general note, and this is only because the script is so much fun, is I would love to see you take it further. Where you are subtle, I don't know if you have to be. I would love to see more, bigger, funnier, etc. A great script though.
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Okay, first let me point out some things I really liked. I think you have some good ideas here. The ANT tech is obviously cool and you have some really interesting moments in the script. You guys do a very good job of painting a futuristic picture and I liked staying in this world for a little while.
Unfortunately, there are a number of things that turned me off. The least...
Okay, first let me point out some things I really liked. I think you have some good ideas here. The ANT tech is obviously cool and you have some really interesting moments in the script. You guys do a very good job of painting a futuristic picture and I liked staying in this world for a little while.
Unfortunately, there are a number of things that turned me off. The least of these was the use of the F word. It seemed out of place and made the script seem immature, as if written by fourteen year olds. Perhaps if it was used less or used with more educated dialog, it wouldn't seem so bad.
What also through me off in a big was was the use of unfilmables in the descriptions. For instance, on page 80, the use of "You might not expect". How do you know what I would and would not expect. Combine this with the large number of similarly "cute" ("Game On!") unfilmable descriptions and it tainted some otherwise good scenes.
Plot wise I have two major problems. One, the Wei Lin as the mole thing is way too telegraphed. Not sure how this could be corrected but there is literally no one else I suspected as the mole. It was to obvious. Also, though I think Tom's motivation is good through most os the script, I felt his initial thrust was forced. His reaction to being shutdown moved too fast into the realm of "let's find out what's behind this". There should be something else that forced or at least motivates him to look deeper.
I think you have some really good ideas here and I would like to see a rewrite of this down the road.
Something else that should be mentioned, the technical format of the script is great. I noticed no formatting problems or spelling errors so if they are there, they certainly did not jump out at me.
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