Good premise but needs work on plot, pace and structure
The title implies we're going to read/see a genre horror film about a creature terrorizing a community. And that's what this story is about, however it takes an awful long time for us to get there. The first act setup takes way too long, spending too much time talking about the killings, introducing too many characters and spending pages on fairly superfluous scenes like Dale's cat. I also felt the narrative was a little too split between Billy and Dale as to whose story and POV we were supposed to be experiencing it through.
The script needs to be much more brisk in its pace and action. Look at page 30/31/32/33--somewhere in here should be a major plot revelation that moves the story forward in a new or unexpected direction, but it's just more 1st act explanation and setup.
The 2nd Act sees more action, and I thought the idea of the halfbreed was interesting (the cow mating should make for a cinematic moment, that's for sure), but jumping back and forth between Billy, Dale and the beast's doings felt incohesive and jumpy. Could Billy and Dale's stories be more intertwined, like they're working together on this case?
The 3rd Act picks up the pace although the climax felt a bit cliche and predictable and wasn't as scary as it could've been.
Overall, I thought the dialog was good--though there are some typos and things that should be fixed--but again, if you could trim down superfluous, extraneous scenes that are redundant (how many pages have to be dedicated to people talking about the creatures?) or don't do anything to move the narrative anyplace but sideways, I think it will be better. It's not a super-original story, but you've put some thought into it and I think it's got potential. But seriously, lose like 25 pages. I've never read a script of this genre longer than 112 pages.
Other Reviews by Dodgeball
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This script has some nice things going for it. I love the style and attitude of Colin's VO and the multiple, fast-paced storylines that all intertwine. It's remniscent a bit of "Lock Stock and two smoking barrels" and "Trainspotting" and "Confidence." I liked what happens to Fran too. So often in movies do we see someone shoot their gun in the air, so rarely are there consequences...
This script has some nice things going for it. I love the style and attitude of Colin's VO and the multiple, fast-paced storylines that all intertwine. It's remniscent a bit of "Lock Stock and two smoking barrels" and "Trainspotting" and "Confidence." I liked what happens to Fran too. So often in movies do we see someone shoot their gun in the air, so rarely are there consequences. Only notes I have would be to suggest you have this read aloud by some actor/friends. There are some dialog passages that could be tightened up and trimmed. Sometimes Colin gets a little wordy with his VO when glib would probably be better, and more stylized. I didn't buy Rags being so readily subservient to Mike, seems like he'd be more into consolidating power for himself rather than being someone's "lap dog", especially if he's been conspiring against Fran for months. I like the whole maguffin of the t-shirt thing, though you set it up in the beginning as more important via Colin's VO than it should be. In the first 10 pages you should really be setting up the key players in the story, so perhaps the t-shirt thing shouldn't be accentuated quite so much to the point where it's really the only thing we're trying to discern import and meaning from (because, frankly, Colin instructs us to). But other than that, it's got some fun parts and the dialog is pretty darn strong. Good job.
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This is a great premise for a horror film. The logline is reall intriguing and for the most part, the script delivers on the horror. However, the author tells us way too much about the nature of the orphanage and the horror right off the bat. I think you would do well to lose the whole Act 1 Austin storytelling scene. I understand why you want it, but if it came later, like...
This is a great premise for a horror film. The logline is reall intriguing and for the most part, the script delivers on the horror. However, the author tells us way too much about the nature of the orphanage and the horror right off the bat. I think you would do well to lose the whole Act 1 Austin storytelling scene. I understand why you want it, but if it came later, like in Act 2 after the audience had a chance to experience for the first time along with the characters the chilling nature of the house, it would be much more compelling. Since you tell us right away about the history, that all who enter are doomed, there's no real sense of building tension or jeopardy--at least not as much as could be were we a little in the dark about what exactly was going on.
That's my biggest overall comment because I think once the action gets going, the scenes in the house are pretty fun and definitely macabre. The thought of malevolent child corpses, charred little hands reaching through the darkness to grab your arm or leg is a chilling one, and you will find many readers who enjoy the journey you take them on because of that premise. Hasn't really been done in a movie yet, that I can recall.
The interaction between the characters in the RV and the house is good, as well as in the bar (minus the storytelling scene, which again gives away way to much), but I felt that you probably could've held on the first group of characters longer to establish where they were were coming from, how they got together and why they're in the situation they're in. The Hostage/Kidnapper dynamic where both must team together to fight a 3rd party is a fun setup but we need to know more about these characters and how they came together to really appreciate the relationships they're going to have between them.
I liked the misdirect of Phil's relationship to the house, though I think the payoff could be stronger. Perhaps you could play that out longer so that we think he's truly the key and not Austin. I also wasn't sure what happened to Rachel at the end of all this.
Do a document search for the name "Tad" and remove it. I think that was supposed to be Sam. As for Sam's police work, it doesn't make sense that they're fugitives from a fresh crime scene and he doesn't call for backup or assistance in the matter. And would he get on the radio to tell them to give it up, thus blowing an opportunity to surprise them at the bar? Maybe it would be better if the crime that occurred happened a little while back and Sam is a detective who's been doggedly pursuing them, waiting for the moment they tried to cross the border. Just a thought.
Also, the whole notion of "playing games" as far as the orphans is concerned didn't really jibe with the notion of "waiting for the last orphan to return." Seems like the raison d'etre of the orphans isn't clearly defined enough to be compelling.
I think this script needs a lot of work to be a saleable piece of writing, but that's what this site is for so I'm going to give it a consider in the hopes others will give you constructive feedback and you can hone it down into a tight little masterpiece of terror. You've got the premise and the structure (but again, the storytelling thing in Act 1, I think it's killing your momentum and giving away the store in terms of suspense).
Best of luck.
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"Horatio" has a universally appealing premise--mysterious stranger with magical powers has an extraordinary impact on the ordinary lives of a group of people. The magic man in this case is Horatio and he comes to a small town where a group of people are struggling with problems we can all relate to. The first 35 pages are pretty much wholly dedicated to establishing that...
"Horatio" has a universally appealing premise--mysterious stranger with magical powers has an extraordinary impact on the ordinary lives of a group of people. The magic man in this case is Horatio and he comes to a small town where a group of people are struggling with problems we can all relate to. The first 35 pages are pretty much wholly dedicated to establishing that Horatio has supernatural omniscient abilities to know exactly what people are thinking, exactly what will happen to them and, from his interaction with them, is only there to help them. A big problem with this first act is that it never explains or sheds any light on why Horatio is there, who is he or why he's choosing these particular people to help. A bigger problem with the whole script is that we never get answers to those questions at the end either. In similar stories, from "Something Wicked This Way Comes" to that recent novel by Stephen King (the name escapes me) we always get an explanation, a payoff that helps us fundamentally understand WHY?
The various stories have merit, though some, like Mark and Emily, might be a little cliche and thus might be punched up by rewriting against type--like maybe reversing the sexes or making them same sex or something offbeat.
But there are so many stories that they get a little hard to follow, though you've done a nice job combining storylines with characters to help keep things in better perspective. I think the most confusing part comes during the flashback involving the mind-reading locket lovestory. It in itself is actually a very interesting story but it comes smack in the middle of all these other stories and we spend a lot of time (read PAGES) with it before we return to the five (or is it six?) other plotlines.
The ending is interesting, and definitely a little metaphysical, which is cool. But again, you need to explain to us what's going on. Explain your magic, give us some insight as to what Horatio is up to. Is he an angel? Is he God? Is he some other magical being? Without that context, we are left with too many questions that take us away from your overall story.
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