Good work
Here's To Revenge is a great title (I love the way it is fitted into the dialogue at the end of the script). The concept reminded me quite a lot of Saw.
The script is very fast paced - I'm not sure whether it is quite long enough for a feature film.
The way the story is set up is instantly enthralling. The mystery is set up imediately with Dick and continues to get more and more mysterious without becoming too complicated.
The dialogue is very funny. You had me laughing out loud in parts. The comic side, i feel, works better at the begining of the script. The parts with Dick and Victor are brilliant - but later on there is a slight clash when the characters are still cracking jokes when they are in fear for their lives.
The characters are great. The Female Assassin has very good dialogue, and all the characters interact together in an entertaining and realistic way.
I love the attitudes towards the pimp's flannel, and the fact that Dick is actually called Jose!
Hectors tendency to shout out STIs when he's nervous is funny, but I think it's a bit over the top for black comedy - something more subtle would be more apt.
On page 53, I like the way the scenes cut from Jodi to Dick as they both ask 'Why is this happening to me?'
On page 55, I think (despite being funny) it is too unrealistic for Victor to ask for sex or a head rub.
As the tension begins to mount, the scenes where Jodi is locked up, and Victor searching for the briefcase intercut. This is great to mount the audiences anxiety - very well done.
The twist at the end is brilliant! I think it would have been better if the female assassin could have lived in misery instead of being shot (there are a lot of deaths in this script - the audience become a bit numb to it after a while i think). But Yuki makes a great bad guy! You finish on a really good line!
I enjoyed reading this script, but I think the genres are a bit confusing. At present it is border-line thriller/comedy. I think it would work better if it were to side more heavily with one genre - less comic if it were a thriller or less 'scary' for a comedy.
Great job!
Other Reviews by Gin_Gin_Jodie
4
-
I must say I thoroughly enjoyed reading this script. The characters are well developed, the dialogue eloquent and witty and the story is compelling.
Your use of description is brief and to the point. Brilliant - no messing about.
I like the way that as the story is set up, the three sons are not all called by telephone. When John goes to visit Chad, it also sets up their...
I must say I thoroughly enjoyed reading this script. The characters are well developed, the dialogue eloquent and witty and the story is compelling.
Your use of description is brief and to the point. Brilliant - no messing about.
I like the way that as the story is set up, the three sons are not all called by telephone. When John goes to visit Chad, it also sets up their relationship very clearly.
Some of the dialogue puts across the way the characters feel about each other very clearly (for instance, when Michael and Chad greet each other there is no handshake and Chad demonstrates his animosity with his use of 'lover' and 'fucked for').
(There is a typo on p35 - it reads 'chad', when it should read 'gabe')
I think the best part of this screenplay is the dialogue. Some of the lines made me wince ('See you in the home movies' - ouch!). I think Elise has the best lines - she is full of witty humor. I think this fits well, as the story centers around her.
On pages 36-37, Michael gets worried that Chad has brought porn with him. I think this is a bit out of place - it is a little far fetched to think that he would have brought porn to a family reunion, and I think Michael would have known he was joking.
On page 57, Patty has a line of dialogue that she speaks to herself ('the pay was good, but I won't miss that jerk'). I don't think this is necessary; it is clear that she does not like him from their telephone conversation, and she has no one to say the line to in the kitchen. I would suggest cutting it, or maybe introducing a pet she could talk to.
When Chad and Michael get physical during croquet, John and Elise don't seem phased - i think it would be nice to get a slight reaction from them.
I think it is a little outrageous to suggest incest occurred between the brothers (especially when one is straight). The fact that Michael got Chad the maximum sentence is brilliant and explains his attitude, but I think it would be better if it were for another reason.
My favorite moment in the script is when Elise joins the family for paella. The image of her shakily applied makeup is heart-wrenching. It is a truly touching moment.
The script finishes perfectly. I am not afraid to say you nearly had me in tears as John and Elise talked. So tragic!
I loved this script, and would love to see it developed into a film.
Fantastic job.
read
-
The idea behind 'Leap of Faith' is very appealing. The dialogue is good throughout, and the comedy doesn't get in the way of the serious subject matter (i.e. Billy's cancer).
The opening of the film serves as a very good way to introduce Billy's character (the loan company, refusal to socialise at the pub). The scenes with the doctors could be improved; for instance, I doubt...
The idea behind 'Leap of Faith' is very appealing. The dialogue is good throughout, and the comedy doesn't get in the way of the serious subject matter (i.e. Billy's cancer).
The opening of the film serves as a very good way to introduce Billy's character (the loan company, refusal to socialise at the pub). The scenes with the doctors could be improved; for instance, I doubt a doctor would answer 'I don't know!' when Billy asks how it happened. Also, I don't feel there is a need for two appointments to be shown - one doctor could have told him he had 6 months... it is a little drawn out with two of them.
I like the way God is introduced as a tatty man. His heavy drinking and drug dealing defy the audience's expectations, when he turns out to be a nice person. At first, I thought his introduction was a little 'Bruce Almighty', but this is soon lost when you get to know his character.
The slaughtering of the cows works well to show Billy's attitude towards the value of life, however, the way the cows are slaughtered seems pretty humane to me. Far worse methods f slaughter are in use today.
I love the way they escape in the car, and the fact that it breaks down a while later adds a sense of realism to the story.
The relationship between Billy and his family adds new dimensions to his character, and helps build sympathy from the audience when they hear of his background. The hints at murder add intrigue and mystery, holding people's attention with the suspense of discovering Billy's secrets.
The mechanics add excellent comic relief.
The story of the boy in the red cap is sad, but the addition of the worms makes it comic. I think this is brought up too many times to be made believable - worms are not that easy to come by!
On p55 the comment about one night stands was unexpected and made me laugh out loud. Very funny.
When Billy decides to talk with his father, he goes to the wrong house first. This scene is funny, but however entertaining, is not necessary for the progression of the script.
When he does speak to his father, his first reaction after finding out that Billy is dying is to ask 'so how log do you have?' ... he does not beat about the bush - this sounds too hurtful to come from someone who cares. (Although I realise this may have been your intention)
I love the 'fuck 'em' comments with regards to the car on page 65 - very clever.
Later in the story, Sarah thanks Billy for not taking advantage of her. Be careful not to upset your female audience with a comment like this; he would not have been taking advantage as she was the only one making moves. When she says this, it suggests that women are weak or don't know what they want when drunk.
The film builds to an exciting climax. I think it ends very well. The scene where he beats God is very gripping. And the fact that he is left to die alone keeps away from any cliche.
Another point that you might want to bear in mind for the script as a whole, is the idea that you don't want to alienate religious viewers by making comments about the invalidity of their beliefs.
The end of the script (the commune with their living god) seems quite close to the Iain Banks book 'Whit'. If you haven't read it, maybe you might like to...
read
