Great Feel
THE TALE OF THE WISHING BOX is a fun children’s story. The opening is a great setup, and the writing is tight and clean throughout. At 90 pages, the screenplay flows nicely and is a refreshingly fast read.
The atmosphere is consistent and fun. The writer uses mystery and creepiness to great effect, rather than relying on gore or overt horror. The restraint shown that is necessary to keep it for children is a great strength. The characters are endearing and the story is one that is worth telling.
In the interest of being helpful, some minor notes/thoughts are below:
Page 24 – one of the thugs yells “They burn.” This is sort of like the witch in THE WIZARD OF OZ yelling “melting.” It’s unnecessary because we are seeing it happen.
Page 26 – again “Snake eyes” dialogue is a little on-the-nose. We are seeing it.
Page 30 – “My own room?” This line is unnecessary . A smile on Jeff’s face and a cut to the room would be more effective.
Page 31 – “Hey, I didn’t put that there.” Again, a look could accomplish that more naturally.
Page 32 – Very cool dream sequence. In fact, all of them are excellent.
Page 48 – Could the need for the inhaler be established earlier?
Page 52 – Is Julie’s last name Green or Goodman?
Page 54 – When Julie said she sold the box almost a year ago, this was jarring. There aren’t many clues that so much time has passed.
Page 60 – “Who has the box?” is a great button to end this scene.
Page 71 PIZZARIA should be PIZZERIA
Page 79 – now that Julie and Jeff have been reunited, they hang out again. It could be clearer why she ran off and they couldn’t hang out after she got the box.
Page 82 – The “please” line is a good moment.
I was also a little confused that in the opening scene. Jeff seems to be trying to sell the box for three cents, but later we see that Walt has already gotten it beyond that point. The ending is a bit deflating because it is both open-ended and a low-stakes resolution. First, we don’t really get to the “end” because the box could still be sold again. Second, the lessons that Jeff learns and his actions don’t actually have anything to do with the resolution. He doesn’t have to pass a test or use his intelligence, and this is a bit passive for such a great adventure.
Overall, this really could be a children’s film that is worth watching. It has many strong elements and a great magical setting.
Other Reviews by wopdom
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It was a great joy to read a fresh draft of a script that I read some time ago that had a lot of potential. Overall, this script shows a lot of improvement in the right places and is a major step forward. The opening is solid and very cinematic. The characters are more well-developed and the sense of a narrowed story has come a long way - though it is large and could still...
It was a great joy to read a fresh draft of a script that I read some time ago that had a lot of potential. Overall, this script shows a lot of improvement in the right places and is a major step forward. The opening is solid and very cinematic. The characters are more well-developed and the sense of a narrowed story has come a long way - though it is large and could still be focused a bit for the stand-alone plot of this story.
I’ve written down a few notes that I jotted as I read:
Page 5 - the small gathering line is funny.
Page 6 - I think Lisa is trying to say “You know what I mean.”
Page 18 - the woman gets killed. This is very dark, which is fine, as it sets the tone.
Page 26 - you write that there is a transformation into a warg. What does this look like? You described the werewolf well in the beginning.
Page 33 - the exposition through Silvia's recap is a little clunky. You are avoiding the exposition scene from Frank, which is a good instinct, but having Silvia essentially do it as a review is a less than elegant solution. Also, billions of people being werewolves would mean 1 in every 7 or 8 people are werewolves.
Page 48 - some of the dialogue is more stilted than other - as in the repetition of the alpha line. This sounds more like the writer wanting to get something across than the character wanting to say it.
Page 50 - why wouldn't Warren tell Silvia about the Masked Man if she already knows his bigger secrets?
Page 64 - it's a stretch that the dumpster fire plan is a sure-fire way to get Willis home. Also, the timing is suspect since they have no communication with Silvia (Could she plant her cell phone or something?). Finally, his announcement about going home is a little on the nose. You're good, so you must have a sense of when you are forcing these things and trying to sneak one by. In these situations don’t try to sneak on by - just rewrite until you find something you are happy with.
Page 67 - "Willis had a degree in that" is unnecessary. The audience knows this, so no need to repeat.
Page 84 - the Masked Man reveal here feels a bit awkward. Since the audience knows in advance and higher stakes things have taken place for the whole movie, there needs to be another way to make this effective.
Pages 99-103 - good character development and motivation for Zack. If some of this cold be planted earlier it would be tremendous - though hard to do.
Page 108 - Silvia’s “did we win” line is funny.
Page 111 - in Frank''s scene with Silvia, he rambles a bit. His line about having people eat her if she hurts Warren is funny.
The ending is very sweet and a nice note.
In general, I think the second act moves a bit slowly - something we all face - but the structure and characters are in very good shape. It’s clear that the writer has done a huge amount of background world-building work and the effort and passion shine through. After taking another pass at some of the scenes that haven’t been revisited as often as other, this script will be in great shape to be a purely entertaining ride.
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Let me first say that this script is as unusual as it is entertaining. The scenes are incredibly well-crafted and keep the reader engaged for the duration. Any issues that this script has are relatively minor compared to the achievements that is already possesses. That is, at the micro level, the scenes are well-written in every aspect. The characters are very well-developed...
Let me first say that this script is as unusual as it is entertaining. The scenes are incredibly well-crafted and keep the reader engaged for the duration. Any issues that this script has are relatively minor compared to the achievements that is already possesses. That is, at the micro level, the scenes are well-written in every aspect. The characters are very well-developed. The dialogue is crisp and realistic.
At the macro level is where there is still some work to be done. Because of the nature of an ensemble script, it is easy for it to become episodic in nature without a single overarching throughline that the audience can latch onto. Some of this is purposeful, to be sure, and it works to great effect when the reader can’t predict the next scene. However, the reader should have some more general sense of the forward motion of the story. I’ve included my notes as I read, which are mostly positive:
Page 2 - Killing the cat in the opening definitely gets the reader’s attention. You will also definitely lose some people, but you can’t write to please everyone.
Page 5 - John is definitely an interesting character. The exposition is being done subtly and well.
Page 8 - The introduction to Chuck is even more disturbing.
Page 9 - Sarah’s introduction with the visual gag is hilarious.
Page 20 - All has been well done and interesting so far, but I’m starting to wish I knew more about how these characters intersect at this point.
Page 21 - Sarah is definitely a great character.
Page 24 - Very original introduction to Grandma.
Page 26 - Chuck talking to himself about John feels like the first bit of forced exposition.
Page 28 - Chuck falling the same way that John did works for comedy, assuming that is what you’re going for. So far the tone has been hard to define, though that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Page 36 - strong dialogue, even in what could be throw away lines - like Shay’s line about the hair.
Page 41 - the characters are starting to come together now, and each individual scene is good, but things might be too serial at this point. At more than forty minutes into the movie, it would be comforting to know a bit more about what we are moving toward.
Page 45 - the moment of Sarah going through the window is excellent.
Page 47 - Teddy puking on Aubrey is very darkly funny.
Page 54 - seems like an odd place in the script to have a scene that breaks away from the main characters now that they are together. Also, a broadly comedic moment from Mitchell doesn’t quite feel right here - or, at least, it stood out.
Page 60 - it’s a small thing, but I don’t think you need to hear Dr. Jones announce that he has to go.
Page 65 - things are getting even weirder now, but not necessarily funnier or creepier, so the tone again should be considered.
Page 67 - “Stopped to help change a flat.” is a great line.
Page 68 - The scene back at the rehab center, again without the main characters, stands out as a break in the action and is also a lot to introduce with so little time left in the movie. If this were episodic TV it might fly, but here is sticks out a lot because the rest is so good.
Page 73 - Old Man is funny in his defiance of the reader’s expectations of him.
Page 86 - Punching call back on Will is funny.
Page 90 - The coyote’s speech after the credit roll seems to acknowledge the writer’s feeling that the script has a general lack of explanation and structure, but I don’t feel that this little button at the end fixes that problem.
Putting the script into Final Draft will fix any formatting issues that you have here, so they are barely worth mentioning. As you can see from my thoughts above, I really liked most of the screenplay and the individual elements are among some of the best I’ve read. In a weird way, it seems like the next draft should focus on storytelling more than screenwriting. The screenwriting is excellent here from a clearly talented writer. It’s simply the story that is being told that needs to become more cohesive and focused in the next draft. Structure is the way forward here. Working on structure should also help work out the tonal issues that I raised. The dark comedy line is a really hard one and requires a lot of work.
One more word on structure: It’s not that the reader needs to know - or even should know - what will happen at the end, but after it does all happen - there should be more seeds planted earlier in the script that we can think back to.
Thanks for the great read.
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Stoned Dead has one very good thing going for it - a fun, original premise. There is a stoner sub-genre of comedy and a zombie sub-genre of horror that have great potential to be smashed together. Amsterdam is an inspired setting.
Since the premise can sometimes be half the battle, the writer should be happy about the situation. That said, this is a first draft and very...
Stoned Dead has one very good thing going for it - a fun, original premise. There is a stoner sub-genre of comedy and a zombie sub-genre of horror that have great potential to be smashed together. Amsterdam is an inspired setting.
Since the premise can sometimes be half the battle, the writer should be happy about the situation. That said, this is a first draft and very much reads like one. I won’t bother to mention small typos and grammatical mistakes, as they are to be expected in first drafts.
My running notes follow, along with the some page numbers that I took note of:
The descriptions at the opening of the script are way too long for a traditional screenplay. In general, scripts should be written in the present tense and not use gerunds. For example, “...sitting at the window” should be “sits at the window.” The descriptions should also only include that the audience would be able to see.
The entire opening is essentially a chat/smoke scene that gets onto page 8. This is way too long, and we don't learn much. We must get into scenes late and leave early. This feels like trying to fill pages.
On a small technical note, you don't need transitions between every scene. On a broader note, it is a good challenge for all writers to make each character have his or her own unique voice. A good test is covering a character’s name and seeing if you can guess which character said the line. It seems like a lot of your characters talk in extremely similar ways.
Page 10 - Blue Marlin line feels forced
Page 11 - non-diegetic is film critic speak - people don't really use those terms. In this case it would be "source" music, but even that doesn't need to occur at the script level.
19 - bromance hug is funny moment
20 - This is a question of tone. It’s not that the scene about Anne Frank isn’t a good moment of character-building, but is it too heavy to have Nazis and Anne Frank talk in a stoner comedy?
25 - Other than an obscure view from the plane, we now see zombies more than 25 minutes into the film. This is more than a quarter of the length of the movie - a long time to wait.
26 - playing up them not believing what they see because of the weed could be funny
31 - why didn't they take the shotgun? This is brought up, but it’s not as funny as it is frustrating when we want to be on the side of these characters
34 - more references to pop culture convey your passion and knowledge, but don’t add much else at this point
40 - stakes are important. An argument about whether or not to get high is conflict but pales in comparison to a zombie armageddon.
43 - is a clear example of wasted space. Separating each shot into its own scene uses up an entire precious page on what should be left to one or two sentences for the director to decipher.
45-47 - why does each scene have its own page?
47 - you mention the innately bad combination of tripping and zombies. This is the most interesting idea to explore so far. The title seems to suggest that this would play heavily into the story, and that could be a great direction.
51 - the action paragraph on this page is like many others that you write. They are filled with good character motivation and subtext, but it should be just that - not in the text of the script. Action lines should be for actual action that you can see on screen.
75 - Glad you included a prostitute red light district zombie
89 - Beth and Eric as zombies is funny and interesting but it comes lates
The resolution comes very quickly in the film. It seems rushed because the page count for this type of movie has been reached, but a lot of earlier stuff could be made leaner to allow for further development of the third act.
As I mentioned at the beginning, there is a great premise here. Some tighter scenes and more varied scenarios will make this an entertaining read.
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