This is a very comprehensive attempt to document a period of history in which racial issues were at the forefront of the news, both in America and across the planet, as the concept of the ‘global village’ was emerging about the same time. Your title page says it’s based on historical events, and as I dug around doing a little research while looking at your script, it’s obvious that it does in fact follow the main events of the period quite closely.
I found the story very engaging, as we follow the Campbell family through the events of 1963, providing an eye-witness view of what it must have been like for a typical black family. The characters of Abe, Patty and Debbie are skilfully drawn, with each of them having a distinct voice, and the minor characters such as Billy, Bull Connor and Paul Witt are also fairly memorable. I must say that you illustrate clearly how stifling and restrictive were the petty laws and indignities which non-whites were subjected to, and the atmosphere of tension which permeated the whole population.
Your writing style, both action and descriptive passages, is very effective and uses a good range of vocabulary. The dialogue on the whole is very natural and easy to read, although you’ve got some large blocks of text which could be trimmed a bit in the interests of keeping the flow.
There are some aspects of the script which I think you might want to consider, and these are based on my gut reactions as I read the story.
Firstly, I think you could usefully look at the sequencing of events. I know it’s based on actual history, and I also know from my own experience that most writers, especially those with an interest in history, want to stay ‘true to the facts’. But the facts can often get in the way of telling a good story. Anyway, it strikes me that the kidnapping of Abe and his attempted lynching is a great passage in your script. But I think it happens too early. The protests and demonstrations which happen later in the story are almost an anti-climax to what we’ve already seen. Which means that the viewer feels almost let down when those intense personal moments as Abe stares death in the face are not revisited in some way. I’m sure it wouldn’t be too difficult to rearrange the story elements so that you have a more gradual build-up of action.
In a similar vein, the bombing of the church somehow doesn’t sit well at the end. It’s almost an afterthought. By the time the bombing happens, all the major elements of the story have already been tied up. The children’s protest has been flashed round the nation on TV screens, leading to eventual desegregation; and Abe’s family issues have been dealt with. If you brought the bombing into the story earlier you could in fact use it as a catalyst which convinces Patty that it’s impossible to keep Debbie wrapped up in cotton wool. That would then make Debbie’s participation in the children’s protest more meaningful.
Which leads me to the other major doubt I have (I know, you’re beginning to hate my guts, yes?) – which is the dynamic between Abe, Debbie and Patty. It just feels as if Abe spends too much of his time trying to placate Patty’s obsession with keeping her daughter safe. It’s always Abe who has to back down or give way. And that damages him as the main protagonist. I can envision the audience sitting there, willing him to be more forceful, and being let down each time. Until eventually they stop rooting for him. Again, I think the solution may lie in re-aligning the backstory of Papa’s lynching – which is the root cause of Patty’s fear. You could move it to a much later point in the script. Perhaps have one or two flashbacks which set up the situation, then reveal the lynching as the cause behind Patty’s paranoia.
I think what you’ve got here is a good basis for something really powerful. But at the moment it feels like a jigsaw which hasn’t quite been put together properly. All the pieces are there. But you’ve got to get them in the right order and working for each other.
1 No SUPER for 1963?
2 We see George Wallace – for the only time in the story. Seems odd that he doesn’t show up again.
2 Montage nicely sets out the state of segregation in Birmingham.
3 Title card. At first I thought that ‘The Binding of Bombingham’ seems a rather flippant wordplay for the title of such a serious piece. Then I found that ‘Bombingham’ was in fact used by the media as a description. So I understand why you use it, but maybe think of other possible titles.
6 Nice scene dancing: sets the family dynamic.
10 The lynching flashback. Patty’s voice-over is too expositional. It doesn’t sound natural.
28 EXT. THE STEEL DOG BAR Day or Night?
33 The character of James is an interesting one but could be developed more. Why does he come to Abe’s rescue?
You also need to be aware that these scenes could be difficult to pull off. How does he manage to conceal the watch in such a confined space? How does he manage to loosen Abe’s bindings?
37 ‘It's the same tree where Patty's father was hanged.’ Unlikely that the audience would be able to make that connection.
56 Good ‘fake’ scene of aggression.
90 Debbie finds the note. This doesn’t feel true. It’s just not conceivable that Abe would have forgotten to remove it.
Typos, punctuation and stuff:
1 We ain't gonna allow niggers and whites to congregate/mix/mingle together... (segregate means the exact opposite).
5 above the Confederate battle flag... Confederate should have a capital C throughout.
9 ... he frantically sorts through...
9 All signed "Debbie".
10 ... the rope tautly angles away...
14 She sees Debbie climb on to the stool...
15 Evelyn's father...
16 ... our customers’ children.
22 He discreetly unlocks the blade...
23 You know where this leads, don't you?
25 ... America's Gandhi...
35 ... put the pill in, nigger.
35 ... and we'll put it at your house.
54 So let this brave young girl...
66 He helps her up on to the empty stool.
69 He leans close to Debbie's ear.
85 Abe peeks through a window... (various other instances of peek/peak)
88 Her class looks as if it's missing some students.
90 Do you understand?
99 Another group of (forty?) march down the steps.
105 ... German Shepherd...
106 ... a soaked TEENAGE BOY...
107 A family watches, stunned.
108 Has a Debbie Campbell been released from jail?
109 The FBI will be watching y'all.
That’s it from me, Fred. Great story. Good luck with it!
Review of: The Binding of Bombingham
reviewed by Rfordyce on 08/18/2011
Review ID: 3913561
Other Reviews by Rfordyce 122
A review of Losing Touchby Rfordyce on 07/27/2014Hi Lennox, thanks for loading up ‘Losing Touch.’ It’s mature, inventive and I really enjoyed it. You’re no novice when it comes to putting a screenplay together. I like the blend of reality and delusion which you weave; it keeps us guessing. Your characters are memorable, especially the two leads of Danny and Warren, who manifest their schizophrenia in rather different... Hi Lennox, thanks for loading up ‘Losing Touch.’ It’s mature, inventive and I really enjoyed it. You’re no novice when it comes to putting a screenplay together. I like the blend of reality and delusion which you weave; it keeps us guessing. Your characters are memorable, especially the two leads of Danny and Warren, who manifest their schizophrenia in rather different ways – Danny initially through drug abuse and Warren through emotional stress. The supporting characters, from streetwise Katie to nerdy Erik, are well drawn. Your dialogue and description is snappy and professionally written, and the concept is a good one. A generous sprinkling of wry humour laced throughout the story helps to make it very readable. Well done.
This has very good potential, but there are a few offerings I will make by way of suggestions for improvement.
Your logline ‘Is what we experience real or is it just a fantasy?’ is okay as a philosophical after-dinner discussion but it doesn’t offer much in the way of conflict or as an advert for the story. Loglines aren’t my forte either but you might consider something like:
‘An addict placed in rehab questions his own sanity when his room-mate drags him into a violent manhunt.’
The opening pages are very energetic and forceful. You avoid the trap of wallowing too long in scenes of drug-depraved debauchery, which could be an instant turn-off for many people, by juxtaposing them with the soulful scene involving Danny and Katie.
Your writing style is very engaging, but sometimes you stray into ‘unfilmable’ territory, giving information to the reader which isn’t available to the film-goer, e.g. -
1 In this moment we may think he’s king of the world. Maybe even he thinks it. But he’s not.
2 It’s been a while since he hasn’t woken up hung-over.
We’re all guilty of these from time to time, but just be aware of it.
On page 9 we have the first of many ‘delusional’ scenes where reality and fantasy are juxtaposed. This is done entirely in a factual way through ordinary description, and I wondered at first whether there might be some more effective formatting method of ‘marking’ these passages for the reader, to make it more obvious what’s going on. But I can’t think of a way of doing it which doesn’t intrude on the reader’s attention, and anyway your description skills are more than adequate to the task.
The main area where I think you need to tighten up the script is the storyline. There’s always a danger in a story like this, which involves frequent ‘delusional’ interludes, that you go over the top and throw layer upon layer of unreality on to the pile in the belief that because it’s delusional, you have free rein to ignore the normal restrictions of time, place and reality. But cinema audiences are a lot more savvy then we sometimes give them credit for, and they will quickly spot when their belief is being stretched too far. I think that for the most part you’ve avoided this problem, but there are issues which I think you need to consider. It’s very possible that I’ve missed some clues along the way, or have simply misunderstood some of the material, but these are some elements which concern me:
We’ve all relied on coincidental happenings to help our storylines along, but multiple ones can become noticeable:
•Danny and Warren’s son were born on the same day.
•Warren ended up in the same unit where Chris is employed as a nurse.
•Warren and Danny walk into a hospital and happen upon a doctor who remembers a patient - from 22 years ago.
•Kate is shopping in a random store just in time to rescue Warren and Danny from a tricky situation.
More importantly, there are elements in the story which I just can’t get my head around:
How does Warren know to go looking for Emily in a hospital? There’s some reference to a ‘note’ on page 59 but I don’t think it’s ever explained where this note came from or how.
Who is the mysterious Dr Amyes? Presumably he’s a relative of Mark Amyes (named on page 100). I find it confusing because although the first mention of Mark is on page 70, the dialogue and context seem to suggest that we should already know about him.
In the episode with ‘Father Allen’, although it’s absorbing, I just can’t fathom out what’s going on. Is Father Allen the same Irish man who speaks to Dr Amyes on the phone? And having mysteriously appeared as a Skype talking head, he then disappears from the story again.
Also it seems clear from the dialogue between Chris and Mark (pages 85-86) that Chris already knows Warren is his real father. Which kind of begs the question as to why he’s chosen to work at Happy House in close proximity to his real father – or is that another coincidence?
How did Mark get to know Emily in the first place? If he was around at the time Warren deserted her, it seems likely that he and Warren would have known each other. But this obviously isn’t so.
Other reading notes:
Your ‘I am not crazy’ mantra at the very outset is good but some studio readers might take umbrage, as it should strictly speaking be shown as opening TITLES – making your script 118 pages instead of 117.
11 …pulls out a picture of EMILY and Warren. Twentyfive years ago.
The audience can’t know that it’s twenty-five years old, unless you show it through dialogue, visual clues, or whatever.
28/29 I like the voice-overs by Warren as Danny follows his instructions – good formatting and it adds to the comic effect.
33 Good build-up of tension between Danny and Chris as Chris tries to steal the keys.
65 PRIEST (V.O.)
How long since your last confession, my son?
I believe it should be O.C. (off camera) rather than V.O.
70 We’re off to Mark’s. … And I stole his wallet.
Who’s Mark? And when was his wallet stolen?
88 The scenes between Erik and The Chief are funny in a ‘Police Academy’ style, but it stretches credibility that nerdy Erik is given total responsibility for running down two violent desperadoes!
89 INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
Chris sits in the waiting room. The description says Chris but the dialogue says Danny?
102 It doesn’t make sense that although Mark’s hands are free, he makes no effort to pull his gag off.
106 Katie calls up information very easily on her computer about Emily Dape. Surely Warren could have found out just as easily himself, especially given that he’s a very cunning operator? Doesn’t make sense somehow.
Ask your son! Ask Topher! First mention of the name. I think it would be better to plant this information earlier so that the audience is ‘primed’.
113 onwards… all the loose ends are tied up. This ultra-neat ending seems just a little too cheesy in comparison with the anarchy of the main story.
Typos, grammar, etc: could be better! The script could do with a really thorough proofread before it goes anywhere near a potential investor. I’ve picked out instances from the first 20 pages:
1 Two girls gyrate on a frat bro’s face.
3 People clear away from him, disgusted.
7 Warren stops running … and stares at Danny.
8 Entertainment dances and sings. ???
11 Great thing about these is, you can’t spill them.
11 Danny wants to respond…
13 Getting your mind back means two things…
13 Chris comes up to them…
13 Warren helping you get adjusted?
13 …emergency exits, TV room…
14 I can get used to the…
16 Danny has wiped up most of the vomit.
17 Warren snags it and jams it…
19 If you fuck with me … or affect my chances…
20 What’ve you got to lose?
20 Chris peeks his head in.
20 Warren bursts from behind the door.
20 Wraps his arm … and pulls him …
Finally, at 117 pages the script is quite lengthy. You might want to look for ways to trim it down by 10 pages or more.
That’s all from me, Lennox. Like I say, thanks for a very enjoyable script, and I wish you luck with it.
A review of World On A String -graphic draftby Rfordyce on 05/23/2014‘World on a String’ is certainly one of the most ambitious scripts I’ve read on TS. Everything about it is on a massive scale. The concept hinges on nothing less than the possible destruction of not just one nation, not just the population of Planet Earth, but the possible demise of our whole solar system. Set in the distant future, your story creates a complete sci-fi realisation... ‘World on a String’ is certainly one of the most ambitious scripts I’ve read on TS. Everything about it is on a massive scale. The concept hinges on nothing less than the possible destruction of not just one nation, not just the population of Planet Earth, but the possible demise of our whole solar system. Set in the distant future, your story creates a complete sci-fi realisation of a possible environment and our state of being in a world yet to come. The story is bold and action-packed; the characters are vivid, and your language tries, in lyrical style, to describe unfamiliar and challenging ideas. For ambition alone, you deserve top score. You’ve put a ton of work into this, and for that you should be applauded. Few spec writers would take on such a hefty project. I’m sure you realise that this would cost megabucks to finance, so getting it past a studio reader would be the greatest challenge.
For all its ambition however I find it a very difficult read. I’m not sure what you’re expecting in terms of feedback. You obviously know your way around screenplay conventions (I had a quick look at your other submissions) so you must be aware that what you’ve uploaded here is in the style of a shooting script rather than a reader’s script. I suppose that the tag of ‘Graphic Draft’ which you’ve assigned is a hint in this direction. But I’m a bit puzzled about why you’d upload a shooting script, which normally only comes into play after (1) a producer has optioned the script (2) it’s been dismantled and reassembled numerous times to make it production-ready (3) actors, crew and locations have been painfully assembled, and (4) funding for zillions of dollars has been sourced. I’m assuming that this is still a spec script (if not, then congratulations, because dammit, you’re well on the way to being very wealthy!) so your prime concern is to get a thumbs-up from any reader who exerts some sort of influence.
In its present state that would be very difficult. Quite apart from the megabucks required, the fact that you’re trying to describe a very unfamiliar sci-fi environment, coupled with numerous camera directions, VOs, PRE-LAPs, CHAN/CALL conventions, FINDs, etc makes it a bit of a slog for the average reader (and I’m definitely one of those). Just a couple of examples, from early in the script:
Page 4 Why is Rabaan’s face hidden from us the first time we hear him? It makes things confusing for the audience and nothing seems to be gained by it. Indeed it’s not obvious to the audience that Rabaan is Chan’s son. You imply this for the reader, because you give Rabaan the same surname JAREL in your description lines. But the cinema audience, whom you’re ultimately telling the story to, can’t see the description lines; you have to convey information to them by some other means. This is an issue that occurs throughout the script.
Pages 7-9 I find the VOs in this sequence confusing, especially with other VOICES also included in the dialogue. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out who was talking to whom, and where. Now, I quite agree that if it ever got into production, a director may well choose to film it as you’ve written it; but on the page it just adds layers of unnecessary complexity. In a spec script I think you’d be much better just to show a montage of Nico searching among the garbage; immediately followed by the scene in the warehouse with Nico and August. How a director then chooses to film it is their decision.
In terms of storyline, I have to admit that a lot of the plot doesn’t quite make sense to me. I’m not sure how the Apex developed the powers which they possess, which basically seem to derive from their crowns (or is it circlets? – you seem to use the terms haphazardly). We’re told that Gabriel ‘made the first crown’ but what was his motivation? Why is he hibernating in a cryo-tank anyway? And if that’s part of his master-plan, why does he seem so surprised at everything that happens to him?
Where has the ‘Brain’ come from? Has it been engineered by Gabriel, or mankind, or has it evolved differently? Who or what are the ‘Golden Eyes?’ Whose will are they obeying? Gabriel’s? The Titans? I don’t know where the Titans have come from, or indeed what their intentions are: do they simply cruise the universe chomping up planets at random, or do they have a deeper raison d’etre? Who or what is the ultimate villain in this story? I know that to a large extent the antagonist is mankind itself, enmeshed in constant war, avarice and petty ambition. But as it stands (and no doubt I’ve missed clues along the way, so apologies in advance) the central conflict in this story seems a bit fragmented.
Much of the description, especially in the vital opening sequences, is difficult for the reader to visualise. I realise this is a common stumbling block in sci-fi scripts, and a reader should make allowances for it, but then, you also need to make life a little easier for the reader. Just a few examples:
‘Bright lettering and videos smother the world, facing inward. Sky ads for the people on the surface.’
Difficult to visualise.
What do you mean by an ‘Orbital Castle?’
‘A crown of gold alloy and gorilla glass.’
I wasn’t familiar with the term ‘gorilla glass.’ I am now, having researched it, but again, difficult to visualise.
‘…on a purple-lit FLYER with the top down…’
Needs more detail. Just calling something a ‘flyer’ doesn’t give us much to go on.
‘A high ceiling above and Earth’s wild skylights open underneath.’
What’s a skylight?
‘A laser from Chan’s flyer erases the face of a man we’ll come to know as Gabriel.’
Very difficult to follow what’s going on here. Does the face belong to the statue? Or is it somewhere else? And it belongs to a character we haven’t even seen yet?
‘INT. GABRIEL’S SHIP - PLANET HIGHWAY – DAY’
What’s Planet Highway – the name of the ship? Or something else?
Then there’s the matter of:
I’m sure you know what’s meant by unfilmables. Things a writer puts on paper which are difficult, or impossible, for a director to show on screen, e.g. – thoughts running through someone’s mind; exposition which is simply written in your description rather than in action or dialogue on screen, etc. We all try to get away with them, and sometimes we succeed, but if they proliferate it can feel as if we’re reading a novel, not a screenplay. Examples:
6 Gabriel survived a lifetime to see what’s laid out in front of him through that window.
24 Leetz puts a hand on Chan’s shoulder. His face says what he dares not to say out loud. This is why we can’t trust them.
20 And for the first time, Nico is seeing an Apex act like a person and not a god.
45 Payche, eyes closed, agonizing, still processing what happened to Rabaan.
57 Nico scoots over a seat, wondering if that was Rabaan’s chair or something.
64 He’s been genuinely lonely out here.
There are plenty more, but I don’t want to labour the point.
Other reading notes:
3 It’s addressed to us by name. And to Qel.
There’s a problem with the character Qel. He’s referred to several times in the story, and is obviously important to the plot, but we never actually see him. It’s just my personal opinion, but I think there’s always a risk with that scenario because the audience subconsciously expects to meet the character at some point, and feel vaguely cheated when they don’t. I assume that Qel was Payche’s father but this isn’t made absolutely clear.
Put your crown on. You people are impossible to get a hold of.
Who does he mean by ‘You people?’
18 She kicks an invisible MUTE BOX-- ???
26 Where’s the poor fuck with Rabaan’s circlet?
Crown or circlet? Is there a difference?
63 Payche and Nico have to dodge a barrage of artillery fire. But where’s it coming from? I thought Yeree and the workers on the Moon were friendly?
64 Payche smiles sadly at his condition and embraces her brother.
Yeree is her brother? I thought he was Leetz’s son?
How is Rabaan?
Not sure if the meaning of ‘sotto’ is widely understood.
126 It takes Rabaan a second to recognize the brother he hasn’t seen in so many years.
Yeree and Rabaan are brothers?
Grammar, punctuation, etc:
Fairly clean. Just a couple of annoying habits (?!*)…
a. The ubiquitous OFF OF, e.g. – 2 ‘He drags his crown off of the counter.’ You don’t need the second ‘of.’
b. Missing commas, especially before a name, e.g. –
5 ...it can be dangerous, Rabaan.
27 Nico’s eyes flick from Apex to Apex...
32 I need to see whose side you’re on.
44 He’s no Hunter.
47 That’s the brain, isn’t it?
49 Leetz’s catwalk abruptly drops to Nico’s level and he swaggers over.
49 Let the boy train first, Leetz.
56 ..and the little robot unfolds…
59 Payche slides the hatch open…
69 Though you’re becoming less and less useful.
Connor, you probably think I’m being hyper-critical here, and maybe you’re right. There’s a terrific story to be told here, But I think you need to do some serious work to mould it into a form which can be industry-ready. Then all you need to do is persuade somebody to finance it! But congratulations on making the attempt, and I wish you well with it. read
A review of TAKE TEA AND TALKby Rfordyce on 11/12/2013Hi Magi, you must have drawn the short straw – you’ve got me again! ‘Take Tea and Talk’ explores very similar territory to ‘Reza’s Studio’. So similar that it feels sometimes as if you’re simply putting together the same jigsaw in a slightly different order. You focus on the uncomfortable distinctions between two cultures and whether they can co-exist successfully. Again,... Hi Magi, you must have drawn the short straw – you’ve got me again!
‘Take Tea and Talk’ explores very similar territory to ‘Reza’s Studio’. So similar that it feels sometimes as if you’re simply putting together the same jigsaw in a slightly different order. You focus on the uncomfortable distinctions between two cultures and whether they can co-exist successfully. Again, the lead characters are an Asian male and an American female. Again, the engine which drives the story is the political situation in the male protagonist’s homeland. And again the female enters freely into a relationship which appears to offer very little except subjugation to her lover’s will. Even her name is the same – Elizabeth / Beth. Both are set in the 1980s. Both have an extremely abusive ex-husband. Both have a girl friend who plays supporting role to the main female.
However, while I feel that ‘Reza’s Studio’ is potentially a great concept, I’m afraid ‘Take Tea and Talk’ doesn’t really grab my attention. Although you don’t list it as a comedy, I think a lot of the material is aiming for a comedy angle (I may be completely wrong in that assumption). But comedy is a notoriously difficult genre to write, as it’s so subjective. The only guarantee is that different things appeal to different people. I think a lot of it could play successfully as comedy with good actors cast in the right roles – especially the scenes with Rahim and Omar. But overall I don’t feel that it works; the shifts in tone between comedy and intense drama are too sudden and erratic to let the story flow.
I think the main obstacles for me are (1) Beth’s personality and (2) the absence of a strong narrative. I know that in Beth you’re trying to portray a sensitive, multi-faceted character who has been through troubled times. But her subservience to Rahim’s whims, her erratic changes of mood (he’s a ‘nice man’ on page 30, he becomes ‘a bastard’ on page 31 – without any clear reason for the change) and her self-indulgent depressive episodes simply become irritating after a while. It’s difficult to see why she would persevere in the relationship with Rahim when it so obviously offers her no hope of fulfilment. (And I know that you offer up a vision of enduring contentment for them at the end, but I don’t find it convincing).
The narrative meanders around for the most part exploring Rahim’s zealous adherence to Sufi teachings, but without any strong storyline to hold it together. The flashpoint of Rahim’s escape from the Russians is belatedly presented near the end, but it’s too late to have much effect on the overall strength of the script. There are too many unexplained episodes which don’t seem to knit into the fabric of the main narrative. For instance, Beth’s brief flashback to her ex-husband Ram. He is portrayed as such a sadistic monster that he’s almost farcical – and then we never see him again! And what happened to the unborn baby? Likewise, Beth’s father is suddenly thrust into the story near the end, simply as a plot device to create tension between Beth and Rahim. But he never appears in the main story, therefore the audience have no emotional attachment to him and therefore can’t really empathise with Beth’s love for her father in the way you want them to.
Also, it’s perhaps rather an esoteric point to make, but I feel that in the culminating strife between Rahim and Beth – the argument over Christmas – you’re manipulating cause and effect in order to get where you want to be. You want to demonstrate that Rahim’s hatred of Christianity is rooted in the brutal events on a bygone Christmas day in his home country. But the Russians aren’t marching into the village under the flag of Christianity; in fact, they represent a Communist regime. The fact that it happens on December 25 is sheer coincidence. If they marched in singing ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ I could go along with it, but as it stands it seems a bit contrived.
Most of the criticisms I made in my review of ‘Reza’s Studio’ apply equally here, so I won’t repeat them all, but they include the points I made about internal structure, formatting, use of CONTINUOUS, dialogue and subtitles, spelling and punctuation.
Other reading notes:
6 Russian stand on my Sarod.
You probably need some explanation of what a sarod is.
6 Oh my god! I remember! … A magazine, the LOOK!
Confusing timeline. ‘Look’ magazine folded in 1971. This story is set in 1980.
8 Dari is spoken, with English subtitles.
If you’re using subtitles, then it doesn’t make sense to write the dialogue in the stilted English style which we’ve heard from Rahim so far. They would just be speaking naturally in their native Dari, and the dialogue should follow the same style. So instead of:
‘You will take no rifles. You are a simple man. Going to wedding when the Russian come.’
you might have something like:
‘Don’t take rifles. When the Russians come, they’ll think you’re just a simple wedding guest.’
11 The door slams open, RAM is home.
The name is too similar to RAHIM.
24 TEEN on a bike enters scene…
A very weak way to describe the incident. Try:
“Suddenly a teenage cyclist wobbles across their path…” or
“A SQUEAL of brakes as a boy on a bike appears from nowhere…”
31 Yes, bank Joe……. This here’s why I work so hard to keep those bank floors shiny.
This is a classic case of show, don’t tell. It would be much more effective if we’d already met Joe (this is his first appearance) and seen him sweeping floors in a bank.
39 I’m taping Carousal…
Do you mean "Carousel”? - June Is Bustin' Out All Over, - You'll Never Walk Alone and all that?
60 We talked about living together,
Did they? You can’t just make reference to previous dialogue which the audience hasn’t heard; you need to include it somewhere.
61 You have job…
Does she have a job? I don’t think it ever surfaces in the story – apologies if I missed it.
61 Well, my Iranian friend offered $3,000 to marry so he could get legal.
What friend? This is a completely new plot twist.
66 The sex scene – it can’t be called lovemaking – is startling in its tawdriness.
78 But I thought…we talked about buying land.
When did they talk about it? I missed it.
81 Cousin MIRIAM is tall,
Same name as Rahim’s mother. Confusing.
89 KHALID, 30, eats flat bread,
Presumably this is a different Khalid from the one we’ve already met? Again, confusing nomenclature. And because we have no emotional investment in Khalid (we’ve never met him before) his death doesn’t have the impact it should do.
99 Inside: an ornate gold pin with an emerald.
Again, a pay-off with no setup. The audience hasn’t seen this object.
Spelling, punctuation, etc (first 10 pages)…
1 …remain close to the gate so you can hear…
4 A STEWARD demonstrates the opening…
6 Russian stand on my sarod.
6 My beautiful instrument, dead.
6 American lady help me. MULT.
7 Frightened, they try to see… Lots of commas missing in the script. MULT.
7 …I still don’t understand!
8 KABUL, AFGHANISTAN
9 Wife, MIRIAM, 60s, attractive, sews something…
9 …a heavy wool-lined coat.
9 Miriam finishes, hands the heavy coat…
9 We die, doesn’t matter.
10 …all hover. ???
15 …take American lady for teacher. MULT.
22 I’m used to being… MULT.
Sorry if these notes seem overly negative, Magi, but I think possibly you should focus your efforts on ‘Reza’ rather than on this one which seems inferior by comparison. Whatever you decide, best of luck with it. read
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