Gripping.
The final irony did not escape me either, as Jensen suffered his final breath on that godforsaken rock in deep outer space with no one but him and the beast that took his life. He wanted nothing more than to travel the stars, and that is what he got, until those very stars took his life.
I will not stop short of saying this is the best short story I have read on trigger street yet. It is also one of the best I have read in a long time. The writer's knowledge of space and science fiction themes is truly impressive, enhancing his credibility and engaging the reader in a way that could not have been done without. The fact that there is no direct dialogue does not escape me, but that is the style of the writer. In fact, the entire story reads as a oration, given by Jensen postmodern. He is speaking to us from the grave, or from the message he sent, telling us the story of how he came to arrive on that asteroid, the beast he found there, and the warning within. An excellent story, five stars.
Other Reviews by alexherrin
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I read some reviews for this piece so I decided to do a free will review. This is also my first review in a while, so it must have really sparked my interest.
I was PUMPED after reading the first couple pages. I thought this was really going to go somewhere. The suspense was there. The build-up was intense. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. Maybe she was going...
I read some reviews for this piece so I decided to do a free will review. This is also my first review in a while, so it must have really sparked my interest.
I was PUMPED after reading the first couple pages. I thought this was really going to go somewhere. The suspense was there. The build-up was intense. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. Maybe she was going to turn into a monster and he was going to have to kill her?
But instead it just turned into 12 pages of the author describing a woman falling apart. Then the guy's boss came home. Oh no!
Bonus points for originality, kind of, I've seen this before in Japanese manga/anime.
I see how people like this and appreciate it, but I felt that it could have been much more, and just doesn't really qualify as a horror, but more like a comedy, what with all the vomiting. You know you've written a comedy when characters keep throwing up and/or using the bathroom.
Congratulations on writing a well-received story.
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Hello Jim, allow me to review your screenplay entitled, “Children of the Revolution”.
Notes on format:
First off, I wouldn’t use “we”, it takes the reader out of the story. Screenplays are written in third person always. Telling us that “we’ll soon learn it is Billy”, does not transfer onto the screen, and should be omitted. Either tell us that it is Billy, or leave the...
Hello Jim, allow me to review your screenplay entitled, “Children of the Revolution”.
Notes on format:
First off, I wouldn’t use “we”, it takes the reader out of the story. Screenplays are written in third person always. Telling us that “we’ll soon learn it is Billy”, does not transfer onto the screen, and should be omitted. Either tell us that it is Billy, or leave the character a mystery for now.
Just a suggestion, but you have a lot of sound effects here in the first couple pages, and it could be advantageous of you to write some in CAPS in order to emphasize their presence on the screen.
Themqqqq – page 3
It’s not necessary to keep labeling the scenes DAY if they are continuous.
Begin opening titles and credit – omit this, not part of the story.
Don’t include camera direction. A spec script should never include this, unless necessary to progress the story. POV is an exception. Reading camera directions are cumbersome and take the reader out of the story.
I always hate to say this, but this script suffers from a bit too much description. Too much description takes away from action and plot/character development, the stuff movies are made of.
First 10 Pages:
So far so good. Action scene in the beginning is sweet, great way to open. Back to reality, the protag is clear and likeable. Stakes have been set in the mysterious man with the binoculars.
Questions I have so far: (the more the better, IMO)
Are the kids orphans? What does the future hold for them? What will Leah’s role be? Who is this mysterious man? What will the role of Stix be?
Overall, I am set to continue reading, and am optimistic for the rest.
Final Analysis: 7/10
The fact that the entire Act 2 is a dream is a big let down. That means that the protagonist never really did anything to help, except fall asleep. It is only implied in the very last scene where I assume he becomes PM or some other high ranking official, later in life. If it was only a dream, and didn’t affect the present at all, then it added nothing to the story! If you are worried about it being too much to be real, with Stix and all, don’t worry, it’s an animation movie, they are SUPPOSED to be like that! That’s why they are done in animation, so we can have crazy stuff like that.
Oh, and Stix turned out to be the bad guy, I see. But who was the figure watching with binoculars in the beginning? Maybe I missed something?
Other than the above mentioned, I really liked it. Pacing was great, the Italian the twins were very funny, and Billy was a fine protagonist with a story I could really pull for. Animation movies can be really touching if properly done, as they can show things on screen that we just can’t do with humans, like for instance a candy army, and I think you have properly taken advantage of that medium. Just please, please (please) reconsider the dream aspect. You can tell how strongly I feel about this, I just was so in to the story, then got completely lost when I found out it was only a dream.
Thank you again for an enjoyable read and good luck!
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A cute story so far. I'm not sure it was necessary to break up parts 1 and 2, as this was such a quick and easy read, and would benefit from a proper ending. I imagine if I was a few years younger and a more avid footballer I would enjoy this story more. That being said it was well written and your love for football aides you in your credibility as an expert on the subject...
A cute story so far. I'm not sure it was necessary to break up parts 1 and 2, as this was such a quick and easy read, and would benefit from a proper ending. I imagine if I was a few years younger and a more avid footballer I would enjoy this story more. That being said it was well written and your love for football aides you in your credibility as an expert on the subject. I will also give you a nod for writing from the male perspective, even though a young boy, writing from the perspective of the opposite sex is something that I have not yet attempted in a serious manner. Cheers.
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