Jan, I finally got round to your script; my apologies for the lengthy wait. I hope I can give you some useful notes.
‘The Perfect Gentleman’ is a variation on an extremely well-known theme, as exemplified in the Oscar-laden ‘My Fair Lady’ which you give several nods to in the script. So you’re up against some pretty stiff competition, including George Bernard Shaw! To pull off a challenge like that you need some outstanding ideas and the execution to go with them.
You’ve certainly put a lot of time and effort into this and there are several good things going for it. First off, changing the Audrey Hepburn character into a vagrant from the Bronx is a pretty cool move. There’s a lot of mileage to be had from that. And secondly, moving the upper-class action to Europe rather than England preserves the theme but gives the setting a bit more flavour. So the concept itself is a bit of a challenge but you’ve made a good start.
Let’s talk about Guy. Your whole story revolves around Guy’s transformation, so it needs to be good. Really good. At the moment I think you’ve got a long way to go. He should be a totally changed person when we see him at Cannes. Certainly his appearance has changed – but not much else. His opening lines are:
‘All but the last part. I'm not going to kill anyone for you.’
Poppy cringes at his thick Bronx accent. Really? I’m no expert on USA dialects, but this doesn’t sound much like a Bronx accent to me – either in delivery or phrasing. You need something more like:
‘What kinda dumb broad you? I ain’t gonna kill no fancy wardrobe for no-one.’
I know it’s difficult to convey an accent in a script – if you try to vary the spelling it can become a turn-off for the reader. But if you’re going to make a big deal out of his Bronx roots you need to make some kind of attempt to capture the sound in the rhythm of your dialogue. At the moment he talks exactly the way Poppy and Mia do. You could get a lot of comedy out of the Bronx speech but you need to work for it. At the beginning, his Bronx psyche should be oozing out of him. And that means peppering his speech with the sort of phrases you’d expect to hear from a Bronx boy – including a few sonsabitches, dickheads and motherfuckers. Then throw some nasty personal habits into the mix. He picks his nose and eats it. He doesn’t flush the toilet. He smokes roll-ups and slurps Budweiser. The audience should be saying to themselves, ‘There’s no way this Guy can be a gentleman.’
I don’t really think the Rumi angle works very well. Yes, it’s nice that he’s already got an appreciation of literature and an ear for Beethoven when we first meet him, but I think that works against the comedy. It just seems at odds with his background. I think it would be OK to introduce it at a later stage; maybe Rupert encourages him to read poetry and appreciate the music as well as teaching him to dance.
Likewise his extended grieving for his mother seems to me to be mawkishly sentimental when you should be primarily playing it for laughs. The scene where he tells the whole story to Poppy doesn’t ring true to me. It seems too facile that a hard-bitten, streetwise person like Guy would just blurt all this out in one go. Again, I think you could introduce it in the scenes at Cannes, where you could have him revealing this at the height of an argument with Mia, then storming off to catch a plane. That would provide a much more dramatic route.
Poppy and Mia are competently drawn but I think you could do more to differentiate them. With Poppy almost 20 years the elder, you could make her much more matriarchal so that Mia could be more wayward and impulsive. That could work quite well within the story. At the moment they seem to act and talk in a very similar way.
In terms of the storyline, there are several things that don’t seem to stack up. First of all, the wager that Guy can be turned into the perfect gentleman is one that seems to sprout tendrils all over the place. It should be straightforward enough; by the end of the first Act you want to have the wager firmly established. The girls think they can turn Guy from a Bronx tramp into the perfect gentleman; Harry thinks it can’t be done. A deadline is agreed upon, stakes are established, and the rules are plain for all to see.
But this is very far from being the case. On page 9, the bet is made, but it all seems a bit vague. How is Guy’s transformation into a gentleman going to be measured and judged? We don’t really know. A bet should entail winners and losers. What does Harry stand to win? What do Poppy and Mia stand to lose? Very little, seems to be the answer in both cases. But having set up the bet, you keep moving the goalposts...
On page 16 Harry decides he wants his money back with interest if he wins. Then on page 24 we suddenly find out that the wager is to be decided at Cannes. There’s been no mention of Cannes before then. On page 69, after Guy’s faux pas at the Wall Street club, Harry announces that ‘the bet is finished’. But a few pages later it seems to be back on the agenda. Then on page 81, Harry demands that a woman must fall in love with Guy, followed closely by Poppy’s announcement that ‘the shelter’ for the homeless (which hasn’t been mentioned before!) is not only going to be provided by Harry if he loses... he has to run it as well!
So the initial bet just seems to grow more branches all the time, leaving the reader very confused. I’m not saying the rules of the bet can’t be changed during the story – but it would have to be as a result of some plot development, a raising of the stakes. In any case the whole project seems heavily stacked against Harry – he doesn’t actually stand to win anything.
I think also you need to make it clearer where Harry earns all this money he’s squandering. The reader knows he’s an investment banker, but only because you’ve mentioned it in a descriptive passage (page 4). You need to demonstrate it to the viewer as well.
Another aspect which could do with some reinforcement is the girls’ motivation. It needs a stronger focus. The girls have been jilted, so they’re both pissed off. But that’s not quite the same thing as a desire to have a true gentleman around. We need to understand why they don’t just want a new lover – they want someone who’s stylish and considerate. So you need to show Poppy and Mia on the receiving end of some pretty boorish conduct. You have a montage doing exactly this on page 8, but it seems to sit rather awkwardly at this point in the script, as a series of flashbacks taking place while the girls are in the taxi. An alternative might be to move this to the beginning and use it to introduce the characters during the opening credits. But lay it on thick with a trowel. Show the ex-boyfriends behaving really badly – farting on the sofa, puking up after a boozy night, getting caught watching porn videos – all that stuff. That would then establish the girls’ need for someone a bit more cultured.
Structure-wise, the story falls into three parts which would normally correspond to a typical 3-Act structure:
1. The set-up of the bet and the search for a candidate, i.e. – Guy;
2. The education of Guy as a gentleman, and the various escapades he has to go through;
3. The events at Cannes and the final resolution.
So on a 125-page script (which is much too long, by the way, but more of that later) your first Act ends on page 24, about one-fifth into the story. That’s a little early. Your second Act ends around page 82, or two-thirds in. That’s seriously early! So I’d say the divisions within the story are OK but the dramatic structure needs a fair bit of work. Your final Act needs to be shorter, punchier and really racking up the action.
Last but not least, your script is riddled with spelling and punctuation errors - just look at the list below – and there are others I could have added. When you’re trying to get your script past a studio reader, it’ll kill your chances stone dead. The great bulk of these should be picked up by a good quality spell-check program, and the rest by a thorough proof-read.
Other reading notes:
1 Underlining I believe is still frowned upon by most script editors.
1 Try to avoid ‘we see’s.
6 INT. REAR OF CONCERT HALL- CONTINUOUS
You use the CONTINUOUS slugline a lot when it’s not suitable. LATER would be better in most cases. CONTINUOUS means what it says: i.e. the action unfolds in ‘real time’. It can’t be CONTINUOUS here because there has to be a time lag between Mia resting her head on Harry’s shoulder in the centre seats, and asking Guy for directions near the back of the hall.
10 ...her free-lance job at Nissan.
How are you going to convey this information to the viewer? It’s not enough just to tell the reader.
10 her manuscript for an anthropology book...
39 GUY And anthropology is... POPPY The study of man.
Guy’s already answered his own question on this (page 25). Doesn’t make sense for him to be asking it again.
40 Slow down... We should get going. A little contradictory!
45 You tend to over-write. There are scores of little passages throughout the script which could be pared down or omitted entirely. You need a more rhythmic, punchier tone to keep the reader engaged. If you go through the script and weed out all the places where you drift into novelistic prose, it would reduce your page count quite a bit. Just one example
They shake their heads, yes, maybe. Guy hears, smiles, waves.
INT. MIA AND POPPY'S PENTHOUSE VESTIBULE - DAY
Poppy and Mia wait for DICTION EXPERT #1 (70) to arrive.
Guy sits in living room reading Poppy's anthropology book.
He looks debonair in his tweed coat. Finally doorbell rings.
DICTION EXPERT #1
You could pare this down to:
Guy hears, smiles, waves.
INT. MIA AND POPPY'S PENTHOUSE VESTIBULE – DAY
Poppy opens the front door, revealing:
DICTION EXPERT #1
55 A lot of viewers won’t recognise the bridge in Central Park, or even connect it with his mother’s death. You need to find a more cinematic method of showing this.
65-66 Good scene in Wall Street club.
74 GUY So you're an anthropologist? This has already been discussed. You need to vary the dialogue.
93 I'd say he is a Yorkshire Man. Traces of Scottish Highlands. ??? They’re a long distance apart!
99 It's been in her family for 1000 years. Seems a little unlikely!
Countesses don’t fling themselves at strangers in the full glare of the public, no matter how macho and handsome the man is. They’re much too careful of their reputations to act like that. And presumably there’s a Count somewhere in the mix? Doesn’t he object to being a cuckold?
123 I don’t really understand the ending. Mia and Guy were re-united in the previous scene, but now it’s a year later and they’re apart again?
So the bad news is I think you’ve still got quite some way to go. But hey, it’s only my opinion and I’m sure you’ll get some very positive reviews. The good news is, the basics are there and everything can be fixed. I know how hard it is to put together a good script, so good luck with it. See you round the Message Boards!
Spelling, punctuation, typos, etc:
1 ... chooses an emerald chiffon dress to don.
3 ... throws her cell, and its housing separates.
4 ... checking his Rolex.
4 Neither of them is a gentleman...
6 Poppy worries a locket open... Worries??
7 He points to a well-dressed concert goer...
8 What if we hire professionals to help us?
9 He pats both their knees, happy he has cheered them up.
11 What have we got to lose?
11 ... our specimen?
12 Is that..?
12 They back-up, startled.
13 ... his brown pointy... pointy??
16 ...it'll only make me work harder.
17 Here, put your clothes in this.
20 ...brushes past them... (several instances of ‘passed’ for ‘past’ in script)
21 ...and he stumbles over...
21 ... take an axe...
25 Guy plays with shaving cream, not liking the smell. You omit commas quite frequently. Won’t highlight it again.
29 Resigned, Guy calms himself...
30 ...Guy chases down a cab heading downtown. His new clothes and hair are drenched.
30 You can't just think you’re a gentlemen, you...
32 ...we know you've seen one musical.
33 ...but let’s start...
36 ... gripped with sadness
37 ...takrd a bone to stir coffee. takrd??
38 ... pushes Mia's drawings aside to make room...
40 ... can you do all that...
43 Hey, take it easy...
45 Colin Firth?
46 The final expert is waiting...
47 Why put it off another minute?
48 Ready to get to work...
48 So, my young fellow...
53 Je ne sais quoi, if I do say so myself.
55 ... tilts his head quizzically.
57 Where are your shoes?
59 Where are your index cards? (Rupert would speak ‘correctly’.)
61 ... cease their repartee...
69 Does this mean we're not going to Cannes?
74 Guy jumps to the boy's aid...
74 Other mothers... grab their children and run.
75 It's just that mothers are responsible...
75 They walk through the park to practise...
75 Guy lets a woman know...
78 He takes her hand and they stroll...
80 and lets it slide through...
82 ...we'll up the ante too.
82 ...on the first night...
82 Whatever we can do to help you...
83 ...except Mia, who peeks over partitions...
83 ...the Palme d'Or.
83 You speak French?
83 Un petit peu.
83 Ma Cherie.
87 He admires the watch, glinting and sparkling.
92 When you label something...
92 ...you put it in a box and you’re prevented from...
97 ... bundles of newspapers...
97 ... bundles of newspapers...
98 Guy ends it...
98 ...she gets no attention.
102 ...right now I’m delighted...
103 if she falls in love with him in spite of it, we
116 ...greets foursome in vestibule...
117 Suddenly, Poppy gets an idea.
Review ID: 4011322
Other Reviews by Rfordyce 121
A review of World On A String -graphic draftby Rfordyce on 05/23/2014‘World on a String’ is certainly one of the most ambitious scripts I’ve read on TS. Everything about it is on a massive scale. The concept hinges on nothing less than the possible destruction of not just one nation, not just the population of Planet Earth, but the possible demise of our whole solar system. Set in the distant future, your story creates a complete sci-fi realisation... ‘World on a String’ is certainly one of the most ambitious scripts I’ve read on TS. Everything about it is on a massive scale. The concept hinges on nothing less than the possible destruction of not just one nation, not just the population of Planet Earth, but the possible demise of our whole solar system. Set in the distant future, your story creates a complete sci-fi realisation of a possible environment and our state of being in a world yet to come. The story is bold and action-packed; the characters are vivid, and your language tries, in lyrical style, to describe unfamiliar and challenging ideas. For ambition alone, you deserve top score. You’ve put a ton of work into this, and for that you should be applauded. Few spec writers would take on such a hefty project. I’m sure you realise that this would cost megabucks to finance, so getting it past a studio reader would be the greatest challenge.
For all its ambition however I find it a very difficult read. I’m not sure what you’re expecting in terms of feedback. You obviously know your way around screenplay conventions (I had a quick look at your other submissions) so you must be aware that what you’ve uploaded here is in the style of a shooting script rather than a reader’s script. I suppose that the tag of ‘Graphic Draft’ which you’ve assigned is a hint in this direction. But I’m a bit puzzled about why you’d upload a shooting script, which normally only comes into play after (1) a producer has optioned the script (2) it’s been dismantled and reassembled numerous times to make it production-ready (3) actors, crew and locations have been painfully assembled, and (4) funding for zillions of dollars has been sourced. I’m assuming that this is still a spec script (if not, then congratulations, because dammit, you’re well on the way to being very wealthy!) so your prime concern is to get a thumbs-up from any reader who exerts some sort of influence.
In its present state that would be very difficult. Quite apart from the megabucks required, the fact that you’re trying to describe a very unfamiliar sci-fi environment, coupled with numerous camera directions, VOs, PRE-LAPs, CHAN/CALL conventions, FINDs, etc makes it a bit of a slog for the average reader (and I’m definitely one of those). Just a couple of examples, from early in the script:
Page 4 Why is Rabaan’s face hidden from us the first time we hear him? It makes things confusing for the audience and nothing seems to be gained by it. Indeed it’s not obvious to the audience that Rabaan is Chan’s son. You imply this for the reader, because you give Rabaan the same surname JAREL in your description lines. But the cinema audience, whom you’re ultimately telling the story to, can’t see the description lines; you have to convey information to them by some other means. This is an issue that occurs throughout the script.
Pages 7-9 I find the VOs in this sequence confusing, especially with other VOICES also included in the dialogue. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out who was talking to whom, and where. Now, I quite agree that if it ever got into production, a director may well choose to film it as you’ve written it; but on the page it just adds layers of unnecessary complexity. In a spec script I think you’d be much better just to show a montage of Nico searching among the garbage; immediately followed by the scene in the warehouse with Nico and August. How a director then chooses to film it is their decision.
In terms of storyline, I have to admit that a lot of the plot doesn’t quite make sense to me. I’m not sure how the Apex developed the powers which they possess, which basically seem to derive from their crowns (or is it circlets? – you seem to use the terms haphazardly). We’re told that Gabriel ‘made the first crown’ but what was his motivation? Why is he hibernating in a cryo-tank anyway? And if that’s part of his master-plan, why does he seem so surprised at everything that happens to him?
Where has the ‘Brain’ come from? Has it been engineered by Gabriel, or mankind, or has it evolved differently? Who or what are the ‘Golden Eyes?’ Whose will are they obeying? Gabriel’s? The Titans? I don’t know where the Titans have come from, or indeed what their intentions are: do they simply cruise the universe chomping up planets at random, or do they have a deeper raison d’etre? Who or what is the ultimate villain in this story? I know that to a large extent the antagonist is mankind itself, enmeshed in constant war, avarice and petty ambition. But as it stands (and no doubt I’ve missed clues along the way, so apologies in advance) the central conflict in this story seems a bit fragmented.
Much of the description, especially in the vital opening sequences, is difficult for the reader to visualise. I realise this is a common stumbling block in sci-fi scripts, and a reader should make allowances for it, but then, you also need to make life a little easier for the reader. Just a few examples:
‘Bright lettering and videos smother the world, facing inward. Sky ads for the people on the surface.’
Difficult to visualise.
What do you mean by an ‘Orbital Castle?’
‘A crown of gold alloy and gorilla glass.’
I wasn’t familiar with the term ‘gorilla glass.’ I am now, having researched it, but again, difficult to visualise.
‘…on a purple-lit FLYER with the top down…’
Needs more detail. Just calling something a ‘flyer’ doesn’t give us much to go on.
‘A high ceiling above and Earth’s wild skylights open underneath.’
What’s a skylight?
‘A laser from Chan’s flyer erases the face of a man we’ll come to know as Gabriel.’
Very difficult to follow what’s going on here. Does the face belong to the statue? Or is it somewhere else? And it belongs to a character we haven’t even seen yet?
‘INT. GABRIEL’S SHIP - PLANET HIGHWAY – DAY’
What’s Planet Highway – the name of the ship? Or something else?
Then there’s the matter of:
I’m sure you know what’s meant by unfilmables. Things a writer puts on paper which are difficult, or impossible, for a director to show on screen, e.g. – thoughts running through someone’s mind; exposition which is simply written in your description rather than in action or dialogue on screen, etc. We all try to get away with them, and sometimes we succeed, but if they proliferate it can feel as if we’re reading a novel, not a screenplay. Examples:
6 Gabriel survived a lifetime to see what’s laid out in front of him through that window.
24 Leetz puts a hand on Chan’s shoulder. His face says what he dares not to say out loud. This is why we can’t trust them.
20 And for the first time, Nico is seeing an Apex act like a person and not a god.
45 Payche, eyes closed, agonizing, still processing what happened to Rabaan.
57 Nico scoots over a seat, wondering if that was Rabaan’s chair or something.
64 He’s been genuinely lonely out here.
There are plenty more, but I don’t want to labour the point.
Other reading notes:
3 It’s addressed to us by name. And to Qel.
There’s a problem with the character Qel. He’s referred to several times in the story, and is obviously important to the plot, but we never actually see him. It’s just my personal opinion, but I think there’s always a risk with that scenario because the audience subconsciously expects to meet the character at some point, and feel vaguely cheated when they don’t. I assume that Qel was Payche’s father but this isn’t made absolutely clear.
Put your crown on. You people are impossible to get a hold of.
Who does he mean by ‘You people?’
18 She kicks an invisible MUTE BOX-- ???
26 Where’s the poor fuck with Rabaan’s circlet?
Crown or circlet? Is there a difference?
63 Payche and Nico have to dodge a barrage of artillery fire. But where’s it coming from? I thought Yeree and the workers on the Moon were friendly?
64 Payche smiles sadly at his condition and embraces her brother.
Yeree is her brother? I thought he was Leetz’s son?
How is Rabaan?
Not sure if the meaning of ‘sotto’ is widely understood.
126 It takes Rabaan a second to recognize the brother he hasn’t seen in so many years.
Yeree and Rabaan are brothers?
Grammar, punctuation, etc:
Fairly clean. Just a couple of annoying habits (?!*)…
a. The ubiquitous OFF OF, e.g. – 2 ‘He drags his crown off of the counter.’ You don’t need the second ‘of.’
b. Missing commas, especially before a name, e.g. –
5 ...it can be dangerous, Rabaan.
27 Nico’s eyes flick from Apex to Apex...
32 I need to see whose side you’re on.
44 He’s no Hunter.
47 That’s the brain, isn’t it?
49 Leetz’s catwalk abruptly drops to Nico’s level and he swaggers over.
49 Let the boy train first, Leetz.
56 ..and the little robot unfolds…
59 Payche slides the hatch open…
69 Though you’re becoming less and less useful.
Connor, you probably think I’m being hyper-critical here, and maybe you’re right. There’s a terrific story to be told here, But I think you need to do some serious work to mould it into a form which can be industry-ready. Then all you need to do is persuade somebody to finance it! But congratulations on making the attempt, and I wish you well with it. read
A review of TAKE TEA AND TALKby Rfordyce on 11/12/2013Hi Magi, you must have drawn the short straw – you’ve got me again! ‘Take Tea and Talk’ explores very similar territory to ‘Reza’s Studio’. So similar that it feels sometimes as if you’re simply putting together the same jigsaw in a slightly different order. You focus on the uncomfortable distinctions between two cultures and whether they can co-exist successfully. Again,... Hi Magi, you must have drawn the short straw – you’ve got me again!
‘Take Tea and Talk’ explores very similar territory to ‘Reza’s Studio’. So similar that it feels sometimes as if you’re simply putting together the same jigsaw in a slightly different order. You focus on the uncomfortable distinctions between two cultures and whether they can co-exist successfully. Again, the lead characters are an Asian male and an American female. Again, the engine which drives the story is the political situation in the male protagonist’s homeland. And again the female enters freely into a relationship which appears to offer very little except subjugation to her lover’s will. Even her name is the same – Elizabeth / Beth. Both are set in the 1980s. Both have an extremely abusive ex-husband. Both have a girl friend who plays supporting role to the main female.
However, while I feel that ‘Reza’s Studio’ is potentially a great concept, I’m afraid ‘Take Tea and Talk’ doesn’t really grab my attention. Although you don’t list it as a comedy, I think a lot of the material is aiming for a comedy angle (I may be completely wrong in that assumption). But comedy is a notoriously difficult genre to write, as it’s so subjective. The only guarantee is that different things appeal to different people. I think a lot of it could play successfully as comedy with good actors cast in the right roles – especially the scenes with Rahim and Omar. But overall I don’t feel that it works; the shifts in tone between comedy and intense drama are too sudden and erratic to let the story flow.
I think the main obstacles for me are (1) Beth’s personality and (2) the absence of a strong narrative. I know that in Beth you’re trying to portray a sensitive, multi-faceted character who has been through troubled times. But her subservience to Rahim’s whims, her erratic changes of mood (he’s a ‘nice man’ on page 30, he becomes ‘a bastard’ on page 31 – without any clear reason for the change) and her self-indulgent depressive episodes simply become irritating after a while. It’s difficult to see why she would persevere in the relationship with Rahim when it so obviously offers her no hope of fulfilment. (And I know that you offer up a vision of enduring contentment for them at the end, but I don’t find it convincing).
The narrative meanders around for the most part exploring Rahim’s zealous adherence to Sufi teachings, but without any strong storyline to hold it together. The flashpoint of Rahim’s escape from the Russians is belatedly presented near the end, but it’s too late to have much effect on the overall strength of the script. There are too many unexplained episodes which don’t seem to knit into the fabric of the main narrative. For instance, Beth’s brief flashback to her ex-husband Ram. He is portrayed as such a sadistic monster that he’s almost farcical – and then we never see him again! And what happened to the unborn baby? Likewise, Beth’s father is suddenly thrust into the story near the end, simply as a plot device to create tension between Beth and Rahim. But he never appears in the main story, therefore the audience have no emotional attachment to him and therefore can’t really empathise with Beth’s love for her father in the way you want them to.
Also, it’s perhaps rather an esoteric point to make, but I feel that in the culminating strife between Rahim and Beth – the argument over Christmas – you’re manipulating cause and effect in order to get where you want to be. You want to demonstrate that Rahim’s hatred of Christianity is rooted in the brutal events on a bygone Christmas day in his home country. But the Russians aren’t marching into the village under the flag of Christianity; in fact, they represent a Communist regime. The fact that it happens on December 25 is sheer coincidence. If they marched in singing ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ I could go along with it, but as it stands it seems a bit contrived.
Most of the criticisms I made in my review of ‘Reza’s Studio’ apply equally here, so I won’t repeat them all, but they include the points I made about internal structure, formatting, use of CONTINUOUS, dialogue and subtitles, spelling and punctuation.
Other reading notes:
6 Russian stand on my Sarod.
You probably need some explanation of what a sarod is.
6 Oh my god! I remember! … A magazine, the LOOK!
Confusing timeline. ‘Look’ magazine folded in 1971. This story is set in 1980.
8 Dari is spoken, with English subtitles.
If you’re using subtitles, then it doesn’t make sense to write the dialogue in the stilted English style which we’ve heard from Rahim so far. They would just be speaking naturally in their native Dari, and the dialogue should follow the same style. So instead of:
‘You will take no rifles. You are a simple man. Going to wedding when the Russian come.’
you might have something like:
‘Don’t take rifles. When the Russians come, they’ll think you’re just a simple wedding guest.’
11 The door slams open, RAM is home.
The name is too similar to RAHIM.
24 TEEN on a bike enters scene…
A very weak way to describe the incident. Try:
“Suddenly a teenage cyclist wobbles across their path…” or
“A SQUEAL of brakes as a boy on a bike appears from nowhere…”
31 Yes, bank Joe……. This here’s why I work so hard to keep those bank floors shiny.
This is a classic case of show, don’t tell. It would be much more effective if we’d already met Joe (this is his first appearance) and seen him sweeping floors in a bank.
39 I’m taping Carousal…
Do you mean "Carousel”? - June Is Bustin' Out All Over, - You'll Never Walk Alone and all that?
60 We talked about living together,
Did they? You can’t just make reference to previous dialogue which the audience hasn’t heard; you need to include it somewhere.
61 You have job…
Does she have a job? I don’t think it ever surfaces in the story – apologies if I missed it.
61 Well, my Iranian friend offered $3,000 to marry so he could get legal.
What friend? This is a completely new plot twist.
66 The sex scene – it can’t be called lovemaking – is startling in its tawdriness.
78 But I thought…we talked about buying land.
When did they talk about it? I missed it.
81 Cousin MIRIAM is tall,
Same name as Rahim’s mother. Confusing.
89 KHALID, 30, eats flat bread,
Presumably this is a different Khalid from the one we’ve already met? Again, confusing nomenclature. And because we have no emotional investment in Khalid (we’ve never met him before) his death doesn’t have the impact it should do.
99 Inside: an ornate gold pin with an emerald.
Again, a pay-off with no setup. The audience hasn’t seen this object.
Spelling, punctuation, etc (first 10 pages)…
1 …remain close to the gate so you can hear…
4 A STEWARD demonstrates the opening…
6 Russian stand on my sarod.
6 My beautiful instrument, dead.
6 American lady help me. MULT.
7 Frightened, they try to see… Lots of commas missing in the script. MULT.
7 …I still don’t understand!
8 KABUL, AFGHANISTAN
9 Wife, MIRIAM, 60s, attractive, sews something…
9 …a heavy wool-lined coat.
9 Miriam finishes, hands the heavy coat…
9 We die, doesn’t matter.
10 …all hover. ???
15 …take American lady for teacher. MULT.
22 I’m used to being… MULT.
Sorry if these notes seem overly negative, Magi, but I think possibly you should focus your efforts on ‘Reza’ rather than on this one which seems inferior by comparison. Whatever you decide, best of luck with it. read
A review of REZA'S STUDIOby Rfordyce on 10/05/2013This is a very inventive angle on what is becoming a rather tired sub-genre – the wars in the Middle East and their effect on USA society. To base your story in a single interior location is a bold choice. One that will certainly make it attractive to cost-conscious producers searching for suitable material. I like the idea, and in my humble opinion, you almost pull it off... This is a very inventive angle on what is becoming a rather tired sub-genre – the wars in the Middle East and their effect on USA society. To base your story in a single interior location is a bold choice. One that will certainly make it attractive to cost-conscious producers searching for suitable material. I like the idea, and in my humble opinion, you almost pull it off. Not quite, because I think there are one or two further drafts required before this is ready for the market. But the core concept is very good and there’s a lot of potential here.
Your story manages to explore the subject of Islamic-Western coexistence with intelligence and emotional depth. I like your choice to make both your lead characters, Reza and Elizabeth, deeply flawed by their prejudices and insecurities. Reza is arrogant, angry and controlling, while Elizabeth is scarred by physical and mental abuse and the pressures of a stressful job. Gradually, through attrition and mutual dependency, they manage to throw off most of the emotional baggage they carry on their shoulders. This process is woven round a plotline of guerrilla warfare and covert operations which would be perfectly at home in a blockbuster war movie, but the difference in the approach to the subject is huge.
To contain your story within the confines of a small Californian studio apartment is of course a massive restriction of your freedom to write. But like the challenge of writing poetry which conforms to the conventions of iambic pentameter, classical ode or villanelle, it can also be very liberating. It forces you to really focus on your themes and tell the story as succinctly as possible.
The atmosphere of suppressed tension in the opening scenes is expertly portrayed, and pulls us into the story. From then onwards, the relationship between Reza and Elizabeth flares up and down like a flickering candle, but is always absorbing.
However, there are several matters I think you need to address. The time-period of this story is confusing. On page 11 Mohammad says, “January 2, 2007. Already I’m in America two years.” But actually (unless I’ve got it wrong) it’s set in the 1980s. Khomenei, whom Reza mentions, died in 1989, and you also have references to Sadaam. There doesn’t seem to be any conscious effort on your part to signpost the fact that this is a period piece. I believe that could be a miscalculation, since the subject-matter of Reza’s mission – the use of drones and secret technology to conduct strikes against the ‘enemy’ - is almost commonplace now, but it was cutting-edge stuff in the 1980s, which I presume is the time-period this is set in. So it feels a bit dated unless you give the audience some clues that this is about 30 years ago. The simplest way to do that may be to have a SUPER (e.g. – SUPER: SANTA MONICA, 1980s or similar) but for authenticity you could also drop in a few references to people and events of the time.
I think some work needs to be done on Elizabeth’s backstory. At the moment you have two flashbacks: one showing her being beaten by her husband, and the other showing him trying to ‘hand her something’ (I don’t think the ‘something’ is ever revealed) while pleading with her. There are also various scenes in which she talks with Reza about her previous marriage. But a number of questions are left hanging in the air. Is the ‘Asian’ husband significant? Is Elizabeth somehow attracted to Asian or Middle Eastern men? What is the ‘something’? Was the husband unfaithful or not? And what about her father – some snippets about chemotherapy, about parental neglect. There are too many loose ends here. You might want to give some thought to either dispensing with the flashbacks altogether (they are, after all, the only scenes outwith Reza’s studio, so there’s an argument for shedding them) or expand them to give Elizabeth a more coherent backstory.
But the part of your story I find least satisfying is the ending. For me, it doesn’t provide resolution – on anything. Maybe that’s your intention, since the themes you deal in never really have tidy endings. But speaking personally, I like to come out of a cinema in a mood of fulfilment. That doesn’t necessarily mean happy – it could be melancholic, thoughtful, angry, or just entertained. But this ending seems to leave a tangle of loose ends. At the basic level, has Reza attained his goal or not? The computers are destroyed, but he still has the coordinates on his CD, doesn’t he? What happens to his mother and sister? What are we supposed to infer? Perhaps I missed some clues. If so, apologies.
More importantly, I don’t feel that Elizabeth’s motivation for turning against him has been fully explored. Certainly she’s become much more positive about herself. But why specifically does she set out to thwart his plans? If it’s because she feels sympathy for the intended victims, it doesn’t ring true, since very little has been said about them; and to the audience, they are nameless unknowns. If it’s out of resentment for Reza’s treatment of her, why does she leave shouting, ‘I love you!’? Is it simply out of a sense of moral duty? This feels more likely to me, but if so I think you need to do more to establish it. Their relationship has centred more on their personal interaction rather than on Elizabeth’s moral outlook. It wouldn’t take much to correct this – just a few more clues in the dialogue, perhaps – but at the moment her decision seems rather abrupt.
In a story like this, a lot of the drama is created by the atmospheric claustrophobia of the contained location, and you promote this really well. But you could also make better use of the fact that the protagonists look through the window blinds at a seascape outside. The ever-changing patterns and beauty of the sea offer a great opportunity to deal in contrasts of light, mood and pacing. I’m sure you could bring this into your script in a very creative way.
A few thoughts about your internal structure. I’m sure you know the rule of thumb which says that one page of script should equate roughly to one minute of screen time. There are numerous times when the action clearly overruns the time elapsed on the printed page, e.g. – from the point after lovemaking where Reza goes to the bathroom, showers, dries himself, comes back to bed, falls asleep and starts snoring would clearly take much longer than the seven short sentences you use to describe it. This is unavoidable in a script like this where you’re restricted to one location. However you can probably make it less obvious by simply using LATER as a stand-alone slug to make it flow more cinematically, e.g. –
He jumps up, goes to the bathroom.
He can be heard showering. Elizabeth sighs, moans, turns on her side. She scans the room with its wall to wall books and piles of newspapers.
He returns nude, turns off the light. It’s very dark as he gets in bed with her. He turns away from her.
He is snoring. They’re a tight fit in the twin bed. She wiggles around trying to get comfortable. Finally still, she cries softly.
Alternatively, you could write some sequences as montages or SERIES OF SHOTS, e.g. –
He jumps up, goes to the bathroom.
SERIES OF SHOTS:
- In the bathroom, he showers.
- Alone, Elizabeth sighs, moans, turns on her side. She scans the room with its wall to wall books and piles of newspapers.
- He returns nude, turns off the light. It’s very dark as he gets in bed with her. He turns away from her.
- He dozes. They’re a tight fit in the twin bed. She tries to get comfortable.
- He snores. She cries softly.
END SERIES OF SHOTS
Your formatting could do with a really thorough tidying up. There are lots of examples of missing line spaces, surplus line spaces, badly-formatted ‘wrylies’, premature line endings (especially in dialogue) and various other discrepancies. None of them major on their own, but together they give the reader the impression of a slapdash script. In addition there are too many spelling, punctuation and grammar hiccups – most of which should be picked up by any decent spell-check program.
Other reading notes: where you see MULT.(iple) it’s a point which occurs several times....
Page numbering starts at 2. It should be page 1.
2 EXT. SANTA MONICA, CA.
Apart from this slugline, there’s no other mention of Santa Monica in the script – so only the reader is given this information. If you want to specify the location, you need to provide visual or dialogue clues for the audience; or use a SUPER.
2 INT. DARK STUDIO – CONTINUOUS
No need for this slugline. It isn’t a new scene. See also note for p. 36.
2 A closed blind covers a window facing the sea.
The audience can’t see through a closed blind, so they have no means of knowing that this is a seaside location. You should postpone this information till page 4 when Reza opens the blinds (when it would also have more dramatic impact).
5 Work today, 3-11.
Numbers, especially in dialogue, should be written as text, since they make up part of the character’s speech. So write ‘three to eleven’. But having said that, why does she need to go if she doesn’t start work till 3pm? MULT.
5 ...slit your throat?
The word ‘Pause’ should be on the next line. But you don’t need it anyway, since it’s followed by a description line which does the job equally well.
5 Wrong formatting. Should be:
5 ELIZABETH (nods)
Your direction lines aren’t formatted properly. They should be indented.
7 High voice, pleased.
This is a direction line. It should be written in brackets, indented, underneath Reza’s name (see previous note). MULT.
9 INT. STUDIO – NEXT MORNING
Okay, you probably think this is pedantic, but you’re not just writing for the reader – you’re also writing a template for what the cinema audience will see on screen. And the cinema audience doesn’t know it’s the following morning unless you provide some cinematic clues. You can’t just tell the reader. If it’s important (and it probably isn’t), find a way of letting the audience know, e.g. – the date on a newspaper, TV report, digital clock, dialogue, action, whatever. Unless it’s vital to know, I’d simply write INT. STUDIO – DAY. MULT.
10 ... preppy MO.
10 Salam alaikum. (Peace be upon you)
The English translation needs to be shown as a subtitle (if you’re using subtitles, that is). Otherwise it just looks like part of the dialogue. So write:
(SUBTITLE: Peace be upon you.) MULT.
14 ...a god awful accident. REZA
Too many blank lines here. MULT.
22 Wow. Two hours already.
Her visit has only taken ten pages of script, but she’s been there two hours. Again, you need to find ways to get round this. See previous notes.
26 America military must go. Saudi needs a new foot hold in the oil region.
What does Saudi have to do with it?
28 Reza suddenly believes he’s under surveillance. What has caused this sudden obsession? There doesn’t seem to be any trigger for it. And who is Ahmed?
36 Slowly he closes the door.
INT. REZA’S STUDIO - CONTINUOUS
Reza sits at the computer working.
CONTINUOUS is wrong. It means that a scene follows immediately after the next, i.e. – no gap in time. Here, there’s a gap. MULT.
36 A hall fire alarm blares.
I don’t understand the significance of this. And who is the woman we hear calling to Reza? It seems to be just a random occurrence.
37 Reza wakens and reads the time, 5 am.
This scene seems awkward for several reasons.
It would seem much easier to show Reza planting the ‘Sparrow’ at the Fish Market rather than have him explain it second-hand to Mohammad in dialogue. However I realise that you probably want to preserve the dramatic unity of keeping everything in the studio. I can understand that, but you could probably get round it by simply showing Reza leaving the studio stealthily, carrying a mysterious package – this would also give a more dramatic edge.
Secondly, surely Reza would be keen to catch the news reports immediately, rather than having a leisurely shower?
Thirdly, the TV news item is presented in a rather desultory way. Is the Newswoman in the studio, or at the Fish Market? We’re told that the man ‘enters the scene’ – but the scene hasn’t been identified or described. Who is Joe – the man or the Newswoman?
Lastly, having just spoken to the fisherman, instead of pumping him for information like any news reporter would, she seems desperate to get him off camera. The whole episode seems to be shoehorned into the script rather sloppily.
46 ...shadows dance as he moves about.
Who is ‘he’?
53 Maureen tells me, be assertive.
Who is Maureen? You have a habit of mentioning characters who don’t appear in the story.
69 I’m going to the desert…
I don’t know what this means.
74 This is suddenly getting confusing. Who’s Mammud? Who’s Wilshire? Who’s Ali (another Ali??)?
80 I stationed Ahmad at the end of the hall.
Another unknown character...
82 (A BEAT)
82 I sat there in her office...
Which ‘her’ is she talking about?
Spelling, punctuation, etc...
2 ... an erudite handsome. Two adjectives, no noun?
2 ... a white nurse’s uniform...
2 ... bookcases fill the studio, with stacks of newspapers on floor. MULT.
5 “In case I disappear - trace this number.”
5 ELIZABETH (nods)
7 I should, huh?
7 ... takes a sugar cube and holds it...
8 Did you see how they moved out of the way?
8 Of course. I studied... MULT.
8 ELIZABETH (CONT’D)
9 She moves to the third row. Reads with...
11 “You know what this means?” The guy says...
13 The blinds are open, revealing...
19 I said I’m studying, not that I know...
19 ... proceeds to look up “wisdom”.
20 He laughs. Sure, I win. Always. ‘He laughs’ should be on a separate line.
21 He beats her. She doesn’t leave?
23 And who pays your rent? MULT.
24 REZA Your point?
32 Finished, he comes out... MULT.
36 Donning her shoes...
38 Divers canvass the area...
39 ...an ounce of explosive...
39 ...under its wing.
50 ... this foreign place?”
50 ... possession for me?”
53 Maureen tells me, be assertive.
55 She stops crying...
56 Yes. He used to kick...
59 You lie. MULT.
61 REZA Point? MULT.
63 Nobody’s gotten close...
64 I leave one day; it takes two...
78 ... bends the blinds...
87 What am I supposed to do?
Hope this is useful. Good luck with any re-writes. read
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