Other Reviews by Gammon 270

• 
  Faithbased Russian Gloom
  A review of In Human Form
  by Gammon on 09/01/2011
  Concept: If you do nothing and let the oppressors kill you, God will send a mysterious entity to save you. Or as Tolstory wrote in the last line of his short story: "And thus the peasants clearly understood that the power of God is manifested not in evil, but in goodness." I'm not sure exactly how to react to this story. It has the feel of a medieval mystery or morality play... Concept: If you do nothing and let the oppressors kill you, God will send a mysterious entity to save you. Or as Tolstory wrote in the last line of his short story: "And thus the peasants clearly understood that the power of God is manifested not in evil, but in goodness."
  
  I'm not sure exactly how to react to this story. It has the feel of a medieval mystery or morality play. It is like a fable or a parable. The situation is all. The characters are "everyman" types with little or no depth. The protagonist isn't really clear. A case could be made for either Vasili or Mikhayeff perhaps, but in essence the protagonist is a group - the serfs. We feel strongly for all of them but we don't root for anyone specifically because we don't get to know any character in any particular depth or find any complexity.
  
  There are definitely villains in Oleg and Bronislav. And a hero? If there were ever a deus ex machina, this story has it in the form of Grigori. He appears out of nowhere, makes promises, lights one of the longest burning candles in history, and martyrs himself.
  
  In the story the characters do what they do because they must to keep the story moving. Timur, for example, comes off as dislikeable but his betrayal comes out of left field. There had to be a Judas just as there had to be a sacrifical lamb in Grigori.
  
  Another thing that makes this script feel like a morality play are the passages with the Orthodox Priest. Especially the V.O. while various other things happen. If one removed that, one would have a series of scenes that showed passage of time, but no one is doing anything. In fact, few characters actually "do" anything other than or risk anything because we must believe they're so terrorized and demoralized by Oleg and Bronislav that they can't.
  Kolya does by taking food to Asinim, and Timur betrays them. Other than those two, it's a lot of talk about rebelling against the treatment the villagers get from Oleg and Bronislav but nothing more than talk. It takes divine intervention to save them when the villagers, outnumbering Oleg and Bronislav, could have formed a mob and killed them both.
  
  This script is well written. The writer has talent. The story isn't a page turner. It has a very strong feel of Russian literature. While I always enjoy good writing, the story just didn't come to life for me, but it's certainly livlier than Tolstoy's short story. read
• 
  The Big Payback
  A review of The Big Payback
  by Gammon on 08/27/2011
  I'm still not sure, having finished this script, whether the writer has uploaded something so bad as a joke on reviewers or whether the writer thinks this is a good script. Why do I think this might be a joke on reviewers? Writing like this: "Mike smiles as he walks through the barb wired fence seconds away from freedom and out of jail clothes..The guard escorts him to the... I'm still not sure, having finished this script, whether the writer has uploaded something so bad as a joke on reviewers or whether the writer thinks this is a good script. Why do I think this might be a joke on reviewers? Writing like this:
  "Mike smiles as he walks through the barb wired fence seconds away from freedom and out of jail clothes..The guard escorts him to the end of the gate and opens it"
  or
  "Sitting in his luxurious,Carter,who is now more smarter than ever is one of the richest men L.A."
  or
  "GREG WASHINGTON,34,Carter’s apprentice,lackey, walks in and informs his boss on some information."
  or
  "Classical music playing.People chattering.Waiters go back and forth severing the guests." I'm a great fan of "severing the guests."
  
  The script is chock-a-block with missing words, missing spaces after punctuation, bad grammar, and some of the most cumbersone prose I've read in a while.
  
  Forget unfilmables. Let's talk about unbelievables: 1. A blind woman who drives a car and a boyfriend who lets her because the blind woman wants to be independent and doesn't blink when she runs over someone and kills them. 2. A bank robber who has forgotten he robbed a bank only 5 years ago. 3. A bank robber who has parleyed his share of the loot into owning a dozen casinos and over 50 night clubs--in only 5 years? 4. In a home office with the light on Mike is too far away for Tiffany to recognize him and then 6. Tiffany doesn't remember Mike.
  
  The dialog is unbelievable. It's cumbesome and over-written. On the nose. It's a hot mess.
  
  The characters don't behave as an outgrowth of a situation. They behave the way the writer needs them to behave in a given situation. And the situations are beyond believable. I note that the genre is comedy/crime. The comedy is so low brow and schticky that what could be funny just seems labored. And the crime -- it happens easily. The Russians are involved. A gazillion L.A. policemen are dirty cops on Carter's payroll. There's not enough willing suspension of disbelief in the world.
  
  If this script isn't a joke on reviewers, I will say that you've got the imagination. You're loaded with imagination. And you've got the drive to write I think. Read other scripts like crazy and take pointers for them. Learn to spell or at least use a spell checker. And just keep writing. You don't want to do anything that can give readers a reason to dismiss your writing. read
• 
  The Humane Facade
  A review of The Humane Facade
  by Gammon on 08/24/2011
  After 137 reviews, I doubt much can be added that hasn't been said. But since it was assigned, here goes. As for formatting or misspellings or bad grammar, I couldn't care less as long as they don't make the script unreadable. As a writer, you'll either correct them or you won't. CONCEPT: Two "damaged" people meet and repair each other's damage. Not a new concept. That... After 137 reviews, I doubt much can be added that hasn't been said. But since it was assigned, here goes.
  
  As for formatting or misspellings or bad grammar, I couldn't care less as long as they don't make the script unreadable. As a writer, you'll either correct them or you won't.
  
  CONCEPT: Two "damaged" people meet and repair each other's damage. Not a new concept. That the damaged people are a monk who speaks almost no English and a schizophrenic ups the stakes.
  
  STORY: The story, without taking into consideration the telling, is a good one and a moving one. It has more a Movie of the Week feel than it does a movie, though perhaps an Indie would work. In the script, a lot happens. In the story, however, very little happens. One can see the end almost from the beginning. It's so telegraphed that Shen and Samantha are going to have some dramatic effect on one another. The only question is what exactly and to what extent. What I find irritating is that a reader is so far ahead of the writer in knowing what's going on that the story feels overblown, and at times even tedious because we've seen Samantha have the same behavior over and over and over again. We've seen Mildred's angst over her daughter again and again and again. We get it. It feels like the script is about 20 pages too long. Some of the passages are so long winded and the dialog so bloated that it's as interesting as watching grass grow.
  
  Since this is an early draft, I have no way of knowing whether your writing has improved or not, but I do fault the writing for making this at times a rather unsatisfying read. Rather than drawing us in, the writing pushes us away. The use of "is" plus "ing" verbs puts a distance between the reader and the action. Active verbs to describe action pulls the reader in and makes the reader imagine the action. The is-ing construct describes something that the writer sees in his/her imagination. It makes it more like reading a short story or novel that a spec script that's supposed to make us see a movie in our imagination. It's also lazy writing. It's hard to construct every action line with only active verbs giving the visuals, but in the end it's worth the effort for the reader, but more that that, it's more important for telling the story.
  
  This is already a very affecting story. I think with some judicious rethinking, this could be one heck of an emotional ride as the world of the monks collides with the reality/unreality of Samantha's world. read