Haha Great!
I really liked this , it easily flowed and pulled a great punch from the premise to deliver 3 satisfying acts. I really loved the "circumison" scene and the sub plot of his friends parents thinking he is great. Also the burning of the mothers wig this screenplay has a lot going for it and I hope you pursue further with it. The only problem I had was that it spent too much time at the beginning with Aidan at his girlfriends house with her family. You should focus more on there relationship at the beginning then slowly and maybe gradually moving to the family. Although I enjoyed it a lot , I also like the fact you incorporated Jewish jokes but did not keep it so "inside" that us now Jewish people did not get it. Also one more scene I loved the entire banning of the weather channels (The Weather Channel LOL). Although yes I liked it alot keep it up!
Other Reviews by cl0n3b4by
23
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So at first the premise did peak my interest so I went in with a positive outlook and coming out these are the things I have to say.
-First I feel the relationship between the Jen and Dave is lacking. I do not feel that this is a relationship that is built on much love and when they finally get together towards the end it feels forced, you have to end it like that because...
So at first the premise did peak my interest so I went in with a positive outlook and coming out these are the things I have to say.
-First I feel the relationship between the Jen and Dave is lacking. I do not feel that this is a relationship that is built on much love and when they finally get together towards the end it feels forced, you have to end it like that because movies before made it law. I feel you should go back and instead of the crude sex jokes (the wedding ring on the penis, the stick sex figures.) Try to build up the relationship more. You had it there with them first meeting and flirting now build it up more from there. Also related it too it I feel the sex jokes fall flat and feel forced like your going for the type of gross out/sex humour but it doesn't hit your mark. If you build there relationship more on the traditional and cutesy love and when you finally introduce the two of them doing all the zany sexual things and pull a 180 it becomes more of an impact and in turn hopefully more humourous.
-Also the character of Jen feel's so one dimensional, her character doesn't elaborate on much besides the occasional one or two lines. Too when we reach the end I do not understand why Dave wants her so badly, the answer because they were married doesn't suffice for me. You need to give her more of a character. The biggest thing the script shows me about her is she has a nice body and is a milf, which is not a character trait. Make her more humourous or playful or intelligent. Something that will make her more relatable so when we finally read this in other drafts, people will see why Dave went after her.
-Lastly the other point that I wasn't sure off was the relationship between Nick the Rocker and Jenn. You built the relationship of those two as carnal lust however as the script keeps going they start to build a relationship. I mean I can see it from Nick's point of view shes a hot milf and that's all she cares about. However with Jenn it feels forced and you start by having good reasoning when Nick starts taking care of her child. However before that it becomes harder to see why she starts going after this guy. Make him more charming and more interesting. Why does she go after this burnt out/ revived rocker over her husband she was with for 10 years at the drop of the hat. It feels again like your making these characters like each other for the purpose of serving the plot.
These are the major points I think you should touch on and I wish you well in making your story. You have a foundation just build on it.
A positive however is the dialogue between the guys is pretty good and believable it has a certain flow that works for it.
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There is not much to write so I will just get down to it:
I like your writing style it is concise and to the point yet you give a lot of visuals in it.
I like the characters they seem to be there own and totally more then just words on the paper, which is a definite bonus.
I also like how in the story Maggie was older pulling a spin on the romantic genre in particular...
There is not much to write so I will just get down to it:
I like your writing style it is concise and to the point yet you give a lot of visuals in it.
I like the characters they seem to be there own and totally more then just words on the paper, which is a definite bonus.
I also like how in the story Maggie was older pulling a spin on the romantic genre in particular.
Very few things I would work on:
One I wanted to see the character of Pete to be more of a roadblock for Gerry and Maggie. He just seems like a slight incontinence rather then the 3rd person he needs to be to progress the story. Make the stakes higher, make him confront Gerry and make it seem like he is really a bad guy.
Also one last thing, I like how you re introduced the crazed stalker however I wanted to see more peril and tension in the scene. Rather then her slowly walking up and being caught at the end of the road. What happens if she makes it to the house and attacks Maggie thinking she’s a lover? And then Gerry realizes he doesn’t want to add another scar to Maggie leaves.
All in all I found it an easy read and a cute little story.
Good luck on future projects.
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I couldn't think of one.
I don’t know what else I can say about this screenplay you wrote what you accomplished.
I do not see any grammatical errors or the way you scripted it so that’s a plus.
The only thing I would like to see is more death, ha-ha I know it sounds morbid but you built the film up as a funny slasher flick with the cold opening for only one other person...
I couldn't think of one.
I don’t know what else I can say about this screenplay you wrote what you accomplished.
I do not see any grammatical errors or the way you scripted it so that’s a plus.
The only thing I would like to see is more death, ha-ha I know it sounds morbid but you built the film up as a funny slasher flick with the cold opening for only one other person to die (Cool death by the way.)
I wanted to see other inventive ways of people dying using your knowledge of science and the characters.
It could have been very interesting.
Also the characters motivation for going to get was lacking all of a sudden he goes from timid to in the ghetto buying guns from a trunk. It just seemed slightly forced. We should have the character go through more doubt before something pushes him off and causes him to kill again.
Your dialogue is fun and characters seem great as is. I love how Belle is written she has this sense of mystique about her that everyone seems to enjoy.
Also earlier in the script you hinted a little infatuation by the character Allison and Melvin perhaps they get together at the end and something happens. Perhaps “Belle” finds her self in the midst of an unfortunate accident.
All in all a great first submission and hope to hear from you again
Good luck,
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