Headstrong
PERSONAL IMPRESSION: Hi Chris. It was a pleasure to read your work. This reminds me something Charlie Kaufman would do. If my memory serves me correctly (fitting given the nature of cognition in your story) we discussed this story in LA last year.
And, I think I mentioned a jewel of a book by Alan Lightman called EINSTEIN’S DREAMS.
What I can’t remember is how far along you were with this story or a revision of it and whether you had read that book or not.
And, if memory serves, I think at some point in our conversation I said that the best time-travel movie for me was PRIMER.
And your story has a great PRIMER vibe to it.
In fact, the only reason that I’m not adding your story as a favorite is because I don’t buy into the magic that non-amplified cognition can cause time travel.
I think there has to be a machine.
Anyway, I think you’ve seen PRIMER and read EINSTEIN’S DREAMS but if you haven’t, both are fantastic.
TITLE: Love it. Fans of PRIMER will love it too.
LOGLINE: A quantum physics professor finds himself on the outside of his own life, looking in, when he time travels twenty-four hours into the future and gets stuck there.
Good, I like it. Sweet.
PLOT/STRUCTURE: Very good. My only gripe is the McGuffin. Makes me wanna take out my mind machine and play with it.
FIRST TEN PAGES: Well done. We get a touch of time theory and find out about where we got the cool, paradoxical title. Makes me wanna talk in Stephen Hawking robot-voice and say things like “Singularity.”
FIRST TURNING POINT: Page 29, the first jump in time. And this is my main gripe with the story, and I could be dead wrong.
I wonder if audiences would buy into the magic more if it took more of a SERPENT AND THE RAINBOW or ALTERED STATES vibe.
I mean, this almost feels like GOOD WILL HUNTING instead of sci-fi.
Does that make sense?
This is very good, but given the faith we have in machines now, maybe we ought to see one.
Granted, it is so cool to have a time travel movie without a time machine.
So, perhaps a drug like in ALTERED STATES?
I’m concerned that if this gets into an existential realm, then it falls dangerously close to I *heart HUCKABEE’S.
SECOND TURNING POINT: Technically, I suppose one would call this bit I like a “mid-point crisis” but on page 64 when Jacob tells Olive that he is going to get back his station wagon, we know he is taking charge of his own life.
Nice work.
CONCLUSION: Love it. Jacob is gone but there’s hope. And the whole thing ends questioning the nature of time.
READING NOTES:
I read your production notes and figured that by now, all the typos have been pointed out.
So, I have exactly one note:
p64 nice scene with Olive and Jacob
FINAL THOUGHTS: I’m trying to wrap my head around this a bit. I wonder if this would be a tough sale because of its similarity to PRIMER?
Even so, this is a good script that was a lot of fun to read.
Keep punching keys.
best wishes,
Paul
Other Reviews by bloodmeridian2004
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Hey Connor:
I haven't reviewed for a while, so what I would like to do is give you a quick, general impression and hope that it has some value.
READING NOTES FROM THE FIRST FIVE PAGES:
TITLE PAGE: I don't know if you want to give a phone number out like that on a public website.
Page 1. That's a lot of visual exposition. It's rich in spots, which is good, but it really...
Hey Connor:
I haven't reviewed for a while, so what I would like to do is give you a quick, general impression and hope that it has some value.
READING NOTES FROM THE FIRST FIVE PAGES:
TITLE PAGE: I don't know if you want to give a phone number out like that on a public website.
Page 1. That's a lot of visual exposition. It's rich in spots, which is good, but it really slows down the read.
And at the bottom of the page “Friend 1” seems very abstract as part of the character introduction to our hero, Nico.
I mention that because the listed log line is very abstract: A man on Earth seeks power. An alien machine designed to move worlds arrives at Earth's doorstep.
And a quick scan of this script before I started making notes confirms that it feels very abstract, like a cartoon.
Page 2. This abstraction continues onto page 2, where Friend #2 helps them consume beer and, presumeably, “crush” means to crush beer cans, which they do.
For revision, in order to speed up the read and give clear instructions for when scenes reset, it may be a good idea to reduce secondary scene headings such as PARTY SQUARE in favor of full scene headings.
It may be a good idea to put these scene heading in bold type.
Page 3. More abstraction here: The current of the crowd flows to follow the robotic migration.
What I imagine is that humans are the crowd and that they have an aura the follows the robots.
I don't think that is the true intent of this bit of visual exposition.
Does the current have a color?
Also, the abstraction of the red ring around Chachan's head is a bit confusing here:
Breathes. Rubs the red ring imprinted around his head.
He may have fallen asleep on the toilet.
The crown WAKES him up vibrating.
He eyes it madly until the vibration expires.
Presumeably, the red ring is an imprinted crown.
However, if something is imprinted, I imagine that it's a tattoo.
On the other hand, how can he eye anything on his head madly unless he is looking at a mirror.
I thought he was sitting on a toilet inside the orbital platform washroom with the stall closed.
I don't understand why Leetz is telling Chachan to put on his crown if he is already eying it madly and it's already imprinted.
Also, I get the notion of organically introducing character so that one does not know their names until properly introduced, but it slows down the read to have the slash of MAN/LEETZ.
Further abstraction here: Eats a juicy bio-engineered fruit globe.
How does the camera know what Leetz is eating?
Page 5 This bit of visual exposition seems to indicate that this is a comedy:
SPA. PLANET CLUSTER – DAY
Planets hanging on STRINGS.
Small ones--single string.
Larger ones--several or more.
Bubbled like snow globes in shining preservative.
What looks upward turns sideways.
The PLANETARY TUGBOATS, features hidden, pull the planets to
merge into a rolling river of globes.
A HIGHWAY of worlds.
A tiny dark DOT, a ship, floats upstream into traffic.
And this type of visual exposition is difficult to take seriously, if one has any respect for astronomy.
The assumption is that this is not a cartoon, because that is not indicated.
And that bit of visual exposition, above, totally took me out of the story.
I hung in for five pages, but I'm tuned-out now.
So, I'll soldier on for a quick scan of the rest of the story.
THE REST OF THE STORY
Page 20 Just a random note, this is in the midst of the hero training to be a hero sequence. I get most of this.
Page 29 I'm fuzzy about this master scene heading: INT. HUMAN BULLET – STARLIGHT
Page 42 This feels like placeholder dialogue:
PAYCHE
How did you get better at this than
me already. And you just started.
It's raw exposition and there's no question mark.
Page 45 Confusing character/dialogue mix.
WILD PEOPLE
NO! Don’t take me! Please! Joseph
don’t let them take you alive!
If Wild People is plural, then they should say: “Don't take us.”
Page 51
He throws blankets over them. Disappears.
I had to go back and discover that this was a character named “Bright.”
Presumeably, Bright has the power of invisibility and can turn it off and on.
Page 105 Typo. Gap in the middle of Leetz's dialogue.
Page 110. The End is a bit confusing, given that a tag follows. Consider FADE OUT for revision, TAG for the end and THE END for THE END.
GENERAL IMPRESSIONS
Not for me.
Granted, this is my first review in a long time on TriggerStreet, and others may like it, but I like something grounded in real human emotion, regardless of the setting, and this just had far too little of that for me.
My favorite part was the bit about the Wild People, but that came far too late. It hinted at what I thought was the theme: abuse of power.
As for revision, I'd consider a new title, far less blocks of action, and I'd raise the emotional stakes as soon as possible.
As for the concept itself—it's a tough idea to sell because it is so absurd and abstract.
It might be fun to explore the notion as a cartoon and as a stage play.
If the theme is abuse of power/corruption, hubris, etc, then it can be explored in a way that is a lot more engaging than what is shown here.
If I had this much work to do on this, I'd pick my favorite part and build something new.
Best of luck.
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Hey Vivi!
woohoo!
Lots of things to like here--particularly the sound!
And the actors are good, too.
And nice job with the music.
I don't know how anyone can box the compass for what goes on during a break-up--but the standard is pretty high in feature films, like KRAMER VS KRAMER and REVOLUTIONARY ROAD.
I wonder how it would have played if the girlfriend gave some reasons...
Hey Vivi!
woohoo!
Lots of things to like here--particularly the sound!
And the actors are good, too.
And nice job with the music.
I don't know how anyone can box the compass for what goes on during a break-up--but the standard is pretty high in feature films, like KRAMER VS KRAMER and REVOLUTIONARY ROAD.
I wonder how it would have played if the girlfriend gave some reasons for the break up at the start, rather than the closing credits, so that our hero might have worked on addressing perceived flaws.
Good to see that you are getting your work produced.
Best wishes,
Paul
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Hi Perry:
Looking back, I see that these reading notes will seem a bit harsh and I want to put them into context up front so we can establish a constructive rapport, because, in all honesty, I review scripts here to help my own writing.
And a script like yours helps me a lot.
I can tell that you had fun writing it in spots—and what I want to focus on are the problem areas...
Hi Perry:
Looking back, I see that these reading notes will seem a bit harsh and I want to put them into context up front so we can establish a constructive rapport, because, in all honesty, I review scripts here to help my own writing.
And a script like yours helps me a lot.
I can tell that you had fun writing it in spots—and what I want to focus on are the problem areas that, if corrected, can make it feel fun for most of the reading experience.
I can't have an honest discussion about this genre without mentioning NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD and 28 DAYS LATER.
I think both of those movies work because they created there own world, set their own rules, and created what felt like a hyper-realistic bond between humans who feared the undead.
If you haven't already done so, I suggest that you watch both of those movies and take notes as you go.
I don't think ZOMBIELAND or SHAUN OF THE DEAD, which is what I felt you were going for here, are good examples because they are a parody and I think parodies are best left for “Hollywood insiders.” Point being, I understand that we can write anything we want, I get that, but if we are all trying to break in, I think our best shot is to be as original as possible. And to do that, we have to not only come up with fresh twists on old ideas, but execute them inside a virtual sleep deprivation tank to create the illusion that our fictional reality is pure.
You have a few fresh moments of dialogue that I really liked—such as the bit about the bimbos having their brains in their asses and the bad guy wanted to start brainstorming—that's good stuff.
I would rather see an entire script with that one character than any zombies anywhere.
And that's the beauty of work-shopping material on TriggerStreet.
If one can take one bit of constructive criticism, and if it rings true, then maybe something good can come from that.
READING NOTES
p1 omit “approximately” don't equivocate in scripts, be specific, omit as many adverbs as possible and be exact
This long block of dialogue is a tough way to open a script—long speeches have to be earned. Save moments like this for after a character has earned that “Oscar” speech.
pp2-3 master scene heading divorced from action
p9 lol @ The newspaper is called “The Patriot Missal”.
That being said, exposition through a newspaper headline is cliché.
p19 Description needed after master scene heading.
p21 With all these long blocks of dialogue, this feels more like a stage play than a screenplay. Most people don't wait for someone to go and on like this and will barge in and speak their own mind. Think of it as a fight and each character is trying to get their punches in and the blows are their words. Try to make as much of your dialogue as argumentative as possible. DEADWOOD got away with long speeches because of almost all of them are arguments.
p29 nice bit of dialogue here:
CARDONI (CONT’D)
All their brains are in their ass.
And I plan to do a little
brainstorming later, so get on with
it.
and this is part of a fun scene. Well done.
p32 The reference to Mandingo here is confusing, I went back and nothing in Nick's character introduction said that he was black—it's vexing, because I understand the desire to be surprising, but I wonder if this could be a revision ripple in which the race of the hero was changed mid-draft and some of the glitches were missed.
Also, a lot of this is “placeholder” or busywork dialogue—like this bit here:
WALLY
Sign here...initial here. Sign
here. Initial here, here and here.
Initial here. Sign and date here.
I just add my notary stamp here,
like so. And now we just have to
enter it into the database and
you’ve got yourself a house.
Here’s a copy for your records.
The biggest sin here is that it goes too long without conflict.
It also is mis-timed. The rhythm is off because the receiver of the information has no time to react.
If the receiver did react, then it would be a lot of busywork.
So, I submit that the entire first six sentences of this bit of dialogue can be cut without any loss of comprehension.
p35 Okay, this kind of thing is death to a script. One full page of dialogue.
p43 Narrative missing after master scene heading.
p53 Okay, I'm a little concerned about an unattributed COOL HAND LUKE reference here.
SPADA
I think what we got here, is a
failure to communicate. Now you...
I would prefer a parenthetical here to indicate that this was mimic the warden from COOL HAND LUKE or some kind of acknowledgment of the source.
p54 no narrative after last master scene heading on page
p72 this bit here breaks the spell of originality
FLEEING MAN
Fuck this, man! I didn’t sign on
for Dawn of the fucking Dead!
By mentioning DAWN OF THE DEAD, this story commits suicide, because it acknowledges that a world outside itself exists.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Richard Walter talks about “the reader's backflip.”
By that he means that when a professional script-reader gets a script to read, he or she will flip the pages from the back to see if the script looks like a script.
If it fails to have a good balance of dialogue and action, then it's not taken seriously.
I run into problems like that on my own scripts when I go off on tangents.
Your script became a zombie on page one with the long bit of dialogue from the preacher.
It was instantly dead.
It didn't look like a screenplay.
If you can't find a pdf of ALIEN online, feel free to contact me and I'll send it to you.
Scripts must have a “dot-dot-dash” look to them that has nothing to do with actual content.
Big blocks of action or big blocks of dialogue mean instant rejection from contests.
And if you have fallen in love with your characters here and want to write this again, I'd suggest focusing on one character and rebuild an entirely fresh story from the ground up.
My favorite character here is Cardoni. I'd like to see how he hustles as a “real-life” businessman and how his skills mix with a fictional version of Super WalMart. And how this marriage of crime and greed helps to keep most people impoverished.
I think this story was close to that, but missed the mark.
Keep punching keys,
Paul
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