Heaven Can Wade
This has a very interesting concept. I like the way you set everything up quickly at the beginning and got the family over to Korea. The characters are generally well-drawn, believable (I liked Issac least at first, seemed a little cartoonish – then he grew on me). I wonder about their odd Biblical names though (especially Heaven)– that was a little distracting. Korea seems a little loosely described, almost Medieval. Give it a modern touch first (like at the airport) then make the drive to the coast long and arduous. I think maybe ten old women still dive for pearls in Korea and they live in the extreme south. Isaacs involvement with Joo-Eun doesn’t really ring true as detailed. Why would she be involved with him?
Setting a script in a foreign country has always seemed problematic. How do you get enough English to be spoken? How fluent do you make it sound? (I think Aunt Sun’s is a little too “native” sounding). Who will the audience be? (are Americans that interested in Korea/ Korean movies right now are better than American, will they want to watch this?)
As a horror movie, this moved along fairly predictably. I do think evil children, especially babies, are worth some extra points on the scare-o-meter. Usually the twin stuff has been done to death, but you had some interesting imagery. The Shaman info was quite interesting but the many explanations slowed it down, took away from the scares. It lacked the momentum it needed to work as a horror flick.
I guess it doesn’t matter, but your portrait of Korean is a little naïve. Very very few people believe in shamans anymore – since a majority of the populace in now Christian, most likely, even in the countryside those who still practice shamanism would be shunned and ridiculed (even Buddhists are often mocked there now…)
NOTES
P1 - Is she Korean or Korean-American?
P6 – what kind of Asian symbols – hangul, kanji, yin yang?
P9 - wipes his sweaty brown – this typo made me laugh
P11 - SUN
Welcome home, then. I speak good enough
English until you learn Korean. Jacob
has written that you are a teacher as
well. What do you teach? – sounds perfect to me
p20 - SUN
Then let us get a few more lobsters to
celebrate my new haircut – nice line
p24 - Heaven and Sun stand in a small patch of overgrown grass.
A simple, rounded gravestone looks out onto the ocean. – traditional Korean graves are big grass-covered mounds
P44 - She comes face to face with the bloated, rotten corpses
of two Caucasian women. – how does the audience know they are Caucasian
p47 - VAL
You can’t! You need to go to Seoul,
otherwise we moved here for nothing! – don’t get this line
p59 – this was scary – nice work
p62- VAL
I’m sorry about the no phone situation
out here. – no cell?
Also – Heaven is in high school, right? How old is Yong?
P72 - HEAVEN
(to Sun)
What? That wasn’t my father I saw that
night? – some of the dialogue seems a little stiff
p80 – the scene where Isaac takes over Yong’s body is cool, but the reason for it is unclear. As is Val’s death. When it becomes clear, it’s a bit of an eyeroller. There’s just a big hurdle of believability. Namely, how do bad people become intimate with good people? How do evil fathers have angelic daughters?
P85 - ISAAC
My old shell’s gonna be cremated!
There’s no blood left in this world to
anchor me, Sun. Nothing! – Isaac or Yongl?
P94- HEAVEN
Let your blood remain! It ties you to
this world! Anchors you! – this doesn’t resonate – it’s a way to kill Isaac based on words, not logic – you need a stronger, more obvious way to destroy the evil old bastard
I thought this was nicely written. Very informative and interesting. Not exactly realistic in its portrayal of modern Korea. I wanted it to be more frightening, less pedantic. Late in the script I had the idea it all might work better if it was set in an earlier time period like the 80’s when the country was just opening up to the west from dictatorship. But it’s far better than most scripts I’ve read here. Thanks.
Other Reviews by gordonkris
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Except for the constant “creeping” by Jade, I like the way your story starts. It’s kind of a cool premise, like “Neverending Story” crossed with “Between the Lions.” I also like the Egyptian myth of the Chaise and the Reader that King Tut tells. And sliding down the face of the pyramid was fun. And them flying back in 1956 and meeting Young Madge.
You do tend to trivialize...
Except for the constant “creeping” by Jade, I like the way your story starts. It’s kind of a cool premise, like “Neverending Story” crossed with “Between the Lions.” I also like the Egyptian myth of the Chaise and the Reader that King Tut tells. And sliding down the face of the pyramid was fun. And them flying back in 1956 and meeting Young Madge.
You do tend to trivialize history though. Something bothers me about the way you portrayed Tut and especially Joan of Arc. It’s a little too fluffy and dumbed down. Also, why can everyone in history speak perfect English? For me, it was too much of a suspension of belief. I wonder if kids will go along for the ride, or call bs.
I think your comedy and action showed creativity and really good timing. I didn’t really enjoy the constant bickering between sister and brother, but maybe kids will like it onscreen. You gave them a nice arc of friendship and respect, so props for that.
Check for typos.
Good luck and happy writing.
notes
p2- Jade’s friggin creepy - she starts this with a very negative personality
p4 - She even has the same two-colored eyes. - kinda weird that Jade would be calling her creepy then
p10 - GRANDMA
Don’t look at me, I wasn’t there. - nice line
p17 - JADE
Creep. - you’re overdoing it
p22-23 - this is a nice scene
p28 - JADE
(to herself)
Fine, I’ll go with it. Beats the
loony bin...
- figure out less convenient/ more believable way for her to go with it
p36 - King Tut looks up, betrayed. - write visually, how do you show this with an action?
p45 - JADE
(winking)
Don’t worry, you win. - tell her about her trial too, wink, wink
p50 - The kids eat gyro’s in front of the statue of Athena. - this would be funny if you had the guy carving the meat off the roll
p60 - JADE
(to Socrates)
Are soldiers are after us? - grammar
p67 - KING TUT (CONT’D)
Favored so, in fact, that the Gods
blessed with us an emissary of
sorts. A reader... One that could
travel through time. One that could
influence the past to our
advantage... That chaise, the one
you’ve used to, play with,
rightfully belongs to us. More
specifically to me, the great
Tutankhamen, Pharaoh of Egypt. -pretty cool
p78 - Jade Stops near the door and looks back. Gus faces the
mirror holding King Tut’s crown. -typo
p88 - MADGE
Because when you go home, anything
you leave behind becomes real and
has the power to change history.
Did you leave anything important? - it would have changed already, right? introducing a cell phone would’ve done some serious damage - at least that’s what Star Trek always taught me, so when they talked to young Madge I was expecting something strange to have affected her time (1956)
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This was a nice story with some nice moments that kept me reading despite the godawful length of 140 pages. But the formatting and dialogue held back its potential and others might be tempted to quit reading. The formatting can be fixed by buying Final Draft or downloading Celtx - plus going through The Screenwriters Bible and learning from the many good examples offered...
This was a nice story with some nice moments that kept me reading despite the godawful length of 140 pages. But the formatting and dialogue held back its potential and others might be tempted to quit reading. The formatting can be fixed by buying Final Draft or downloading Celtx - plus going through The Screenwriters Bible and learning from the many good examples offered. The dialogue needs more creative attention. Your dialogue just doesn’t sound real. It sounds like characters playing roles. You don’t want your characters to sound like caricatures do you? That’s the way David sounds. And unfortunately, Diego at times too... it really bugged me that he’d always pepper his grammatically-perfect English sentences with a few Spanish words - like you’re trying to remind us how exotic he is. When he’s with Mateo, wouldn’t they be speaking in their native tongue?
I really didn’t get why Diego lied anyway about being a house painter...
Peter is too obviously a heel. Morally gray characters are more believable than black and white ones. Emily was married to this guy for 15 years and he suddenly turns into a lying racist ass? He makes less than $75 grand a year and he has a beautiful, fabulously wealthy gf? And they wind up at the art show in Act 3?
I’m not sure how this story would be received in modern multi-cultural America. You have a successful Spanish-speaking painter so smitten with a white English-speaking doctor that he would impersonate a laborer to breath the same air as her. Who’s your audience? It would actually be more interesting if you reversed roles - white artist/laborer and Latino doctor.
At least change Romero’s name... as I’m sure you’re aware, the most famous male Mexican painter in history is Diego Rivera, an iconoclast and proponent of Mexican culture, communism and even cannibalism. Give him a name change that doesn’t remind everybody of this. If I wrote a script about a painter named Jackson Bullock, people would roll their eyes and even expect a black comedy.
On the positive side, I did feel that throughout this there an undeniable connection between Diego and Emily. Both had their flaws (as written characters, I mean) but they had chemistry, which kept the story alive.
notes
p1-Series of shots:
(1) She kisses her husband Peter and daughter Lily good-bye while they’re still sleeping.
Pulling out of the drive of her old Victorian home in the country and driving to work in the city. (3) She pulls into her parking spot at St. John’s hospital. A sign reads “Reserved for Dr. Emily WEILAND.” - not how you do it - buy a screenwriting program
p3 WOMAN
Oh thank God! When I think of all
the time and money I’ve spent getting her to this point in her career...and it could’ve all been for nothing...You’re lucky young lady! - on the nose dialogue - write natural dialogue that’s not there just for plot pushing
p4 EMILY Fabulous! - ha, ha, i get it - David’s gay! - i should have known when you described him as flamboyant
p9 EMILY
I thought I’d surprise you, but I
guess the surprise is on me... - who talks like this in the heat of the moment?
p12 - It is stuck. - nice visual
p14 - MATEO
Hola. Just calling to check on
your progress. You will be ready for the opening..?
DIEGO
Si. I’m just putting the finishing
touches on the last painting. - why do these guys say one Spanish word, then speak in fluent English?
p19 - DAVID
Love is blind. You want to believe
that men are honest and loyal but they’re not. They’re all pigs! Trust me, I know. - rewrite David
p22 - EMILY
Your welcome. Well, clearly you’re
feeling no pain. - you’ve done this a few times - be careful with your grammar
p26 -LILY
Daddy said he wanted to come home
but you wouldn’t let him. - lily acts like a toddler
p36 - DIEGO (to himself)
Good night my beautiful wife. Wherever you are... - this leans towards camp
p54 - ZOE
Listen, I don’t mean to be a bitch. - she is one
p73 - EMILY
Plenty of things faze me. I just
don’t have the luxury of letting the world watch me fall apart. - nice line
p78 - EMILY
And now, that option is no longer
on the table and there’s just something liberating about that. So I guess I’ll just have to get on with my life. People get divorced every day and survive, right? -this makes her look petty after her scene with Peter
p83 - DIEGO
That’s not what I meant. I saw your
face when you were talking to Peter. Something he said touched a nerve. - he’s like Dr. Phil
p105 - DAVID
What? Can’t wait ‘til you get home
for a little self-service? - rewrite
p106 - EMILY
Excuse us for a moment. (a beat)
You’re gay right? - rewrite
p113 - DIEGO
Of course you don’t. Because I’m
not making sense. But I suspect you’re beginning to figure it out... (A beat) I’m in love with you. I have been since the moment I first saw you. Even before the first moment I saw you... - pivotal line, and needs to be changed to make sense, have max impact
p117 - i like the interchange here between Zoe and Emily
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Hi. This was an original concept for a low-key apocalyptic drama. It had the the same kind of sadness as “The Road” - but with zombies. My main problem with it was your writing style - no matter how well you write prose, you’ll have to abandon most of it (except for the occasional flourish) when you tackle screenplays. Everyone wants a fast read with sparse but powerful...
Hi. This was an original concept for a low-key apocalyptic drama. It had the the same kind of sadness as “The Road” - but with zombies. My main problem with it was your writing style - no matter how well you write prose, you’ll have to abandon most of it (except for the occasional flourish) when you tackle screenplays. Everyone wants a fast read with sparse but powerful descriptions. This transcends genres. You’ve also made the mistake of including descriptive elements that an audience can’t possibly see. Your job as a screenwriter is to offer all the visuals and dialogue that the director needs. If they have an emotion that needs to be expressed, you’ve got to offer visual clues.
There are holes in it that left me confused. Why do the phones work? The traffic lights don’t work. The city’s abandoned. But Elaine uses her cell. She can charge it to. How do the zombies survive? What do they eat? It was my impression they attacked out of animalistic fear, but why don’t they starve to death? You totally lost me with the army base in Manhattan that keeps the water running (and the phones I take it). They have the power to keep some infrastructure working (I guess) but wait on the periphery too frightened to enter Brooklyn. This would only work plotwise if the zombies were truly dangerous and Elaine was truly badass.
The infected (zombies) don’t exactly inspire terror. They are pitiful by design (I get that), but so slow and wobbly that they don’t create much tension. They are annoying (like an aggressive panhandler is annoying), but are they worth killing? Are they worth caring about? Because I’m asking these questions means that you haven’t offered an early moment that shows why Elaine cares and Ben and Joseph don’t. I like your characters - you’ve resisted the urge to make them morally black and white, but the lack of tension makes the story drag. I kind of like the way you had the characters talk things through, but you should somehow figure out to pick up the pace - with so many infected needed as extras, this isn’t exactly a low budget indie production. Someone with money and a desire for profit will need to read and like this...
notes
p2 - This woman is not well. Hasn’t been in a long time. A virus
runs through her veins, confuses her, makes her eyes bleed,
makes her irrationally afraid of the world and incredibly
dangerous. She’s infected. - write only what the audience can see
p8 - ELAINE
I’m going to do an eviction. - nice tantalizing line
p26 - ELAINE
When you’re infected, you can’t do
math. It’s a weird side effect. - random
p36 - They’re not too fast, but they’re relentless. - like zombies?
p55/56 - your description is really dense here
p61 - Elaine sees it in her face: Cora has no idea what she’s
talking about. - Cora doesn’t really add much to the script
p66 - ELAINE
There’s a central base on the other
side of the bridge that everyone
who enters the city has to go
through. And tomorrow, there’s an
outgoing helicopter with a dozen
empty seats. - does not compute, seems like a plot contrivance - why don’t the soldiers just hit the hospitals?
p81 - i don’t think the singing works here
p90 - She dials Elaine’s number. - which means she understands numbers - math...
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