I can tell from reading this that you are very smart and have an idea of what you want to convey with this story. It's in there somewhere, but it needs some major fleshing out.
First off, you should familiarize yourself with proper screenplay formatting and certain screenplay "rules". They're not really rules, but more of a guide to help develop your story and make the reading easier for -- the reader. You ask a lot of the reader with the 20-line dialogue blocks, filled mostly with exposition, and extensive action lines in parentheticals. In fact, at times, I was wondering if you were actually messing with all the screenplay formatting rule hounds out there.
The story did not move for me. It seemed like a good number of scenes were completely unnecessary. The scenes did not build into each other. The comedy fell flat.
I am sorry to be harsh, but this was a difficult read. If you read some screenplay how-to books, I think there's a story in here that could be made into a solid screenplay.
On a positive note, I found the ripping on corporate-speak for Maggie's review to be highly entertaining and well-done.
Review of: Help Yourself, revised
reviewed by wlawrence on 02/01/2012
Other Reviews by wlawrence 8
A review of Ashlandby wlawrence on 02/02/2012Overall -- this was a great, easy read. Structure, dialogue, action -- all well done. In fact, your action descriptions were exceptional -- made me think of the Hitchcock (I think) quote about writing all the action first and filling in the dialogue last, if at all. Not that the dialogue was bad (it was quite good), but it almost wasn't even necessary with the excellent action... read