Highly competent tale of survival
This was a very competent script. The characters were well drawn and there was a real economy to the storyline that I appreciated. The craftmanship shown here is impeccable, and the only criticism I can offer is that it was so clinical in style that it seems like it was written via a checklist (which isn't necessarily a bad thing when it comes to this genre). It makes me think of A Perfect Storm, which was a standard genre pic that was successful because of the cast as well as the spectacle of a monster of a storm. This script, with the massive icy vistas, is certainly cinematic in the same way. You've got a highly sympathetic and compelling central character and all the elements you need to be successful are there. The only advice I can give are tweak things - if you can find a way to make certain issues resonate a little deeper and differentiate yourself from the standard genre pick, you may give yourself a better chance of getting it picked up. There are a lot of very powerful central themes to work with here, and its hard to say if it should be left to the actors and director (thinking primarily of the metaphor of the Viking and the primal human urge to explore). Great job, I enjoyed the read. I would watch the movie.
Other Reviews by jgravitch
19
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The ellipses...were overused. It seems like they were intended to simulate seamless cutting, but they made your directed paragraphs less so - writing it out and doing it with syntax would be more effective. Dialogue - too much 'telling'. You should let your dramatic situations do more of the talking, all of the expostulation, and overall the dialogue needs to be boiled down...
The ellipses...were overused. It seems like they were intended to simulate seamless cutting, but they made your directed paragraphs less so - writing it out and doing it with syntax would be more effective. Dialogue - too much 'telling'. You should let your dramatic situations do more of the talking, all of the expostulation, and overall the dialogue needs to be boiled down. The dialogue and interaction between characters doesn't propel the story forward, it often brings the story to a dead stop as the characters spell everything out which is narration - not drama. At core, you're dealing with some very strong themes - the bonds between friends and family and what causes them to run thin if not break. But at the same time it feels like very little is at stake, it's hard to sympathize with Phil and none of the characters come off as particularly living breathing human beings. As a writer you need to re-invest yourself in the story, avoid taking the easy way around characterization, and find a way to give some heart and soul in a genre that doesn't need a whole lot of it - but it needs some. A lot of that could be accomplished simply by boiling down the dialogue and tightening the plot - stage certain big plot points earlier.
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This was a nice little story. The major criticism – it was hard to tell the characters apart for a good deal of the script. There didn’t seem to be enough idiosyncratic mannerisms or difference in dialogue to tell them apart (even for Corey and her younger sister where it was hard to ‘hear’ the age difference between them). I began to be able to differentiate them using...
This was a nice little story. The major criticism – it was hard to tell the characters apart for a good deal of the script. There didn’t seem to be enough idiosyncratic mannerisms or difference in dialogue to tell them apart (even for Corey and her younger sister where it was hard to ‘hear’ the age difference between them). I began to be able to differentiate them using their life situations – Manny is the one with an abusive father, Corey and Lynn were with Rick, etc. but the characters need to do that in and of themselves. That said, they felt like real people, and all the events and dialogue (except for Gina revealing to Corey that she was manic-depressive) seemed authentic. Also, the overall drama of the piece, scene by scene, felt diffuse. The naturalism came at the expense of clearly defined dramatic beats. It reminded me of Boyz in the Hood – especially the shift from childhood to late adolescence, and it being about the everyday interactions between people in a community. But in that film every beat has a certain dramatic impact TWIW lacks beat by beat. No scene ever comes across as false or contrived, which is a talent in and of itself, but half the time I asked – what’s at stake, how did the beat move the story forward?
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From the start this script struck me for its spry and lively style. The characterizations were well drawn and I liked the story development leading up to the war. There were some nice moments during the transition - the contrast of Julio's lightness to the building weight and horror around him, and the moment in the trenches when Julio remembers the tango music in Paris - to...
From the start this script struck me for its spry and lively style. The characterizations were well drawn and I liked the story development leading up to the war. There were some nice moments during the transition - the contrast of Julio's lightness to the building weight and horror around him, and the moment in the trenches when Julio remembers the tango music in Paris - to name a few. I found the Julio worship a little surgary for my taste - while it was apparent his character changed, the tilt of the admiration ruined the evolution a bit for me and contributed to my biggest criticism - it seemed like war was still glamourized, and bravado and heroism were upheld as an ideal when WW I supposedly smashed that perception to bits. I think it's okay to portray Julio as somebody admired and respected for his courage, and to perpetuate the notion that everywhere he goes he's still the center of attention, but once it takes on the tone of drum beating it loses me. It detracts from the title card at the end, which emphasises the horrible cost and unparalleled inhumanity of the war.
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