Other Reviews by pela-via 51

• 
  Secrets
  A review of The Secrets We Don't Say
  by pela-via on 05/31/2009
  This story was enjoyable. The descriptions of contact, the narrow focus on the moment - all great. You captured the height of a crush perfectly. The rapture and angst that we feel - that we miss feeling as settled adults - were there in full effect. I followed this story with a sense of excitement for what might happen between them. It was lovely for that aspect alone... This story was enjoyable. The descriptions of contact, the narrow focus on the moment - all great. You captured the height of a crush perfectly. The rapture and angst that we feel - that we miss feeling as settled adults - were there in full effect. I followed this story with a sense of excitement for what might happen between them. It was lovely for that aspect alone.
  
  As for making a good thing better...
  
  The narrator's gender: I get the appeal of ambiguity, but I think it comes at a high cost to the story. It was challenging for me to enter into and invest in this scene without knowing such basic information. Everything I read, I had to consider and imagine twice, once for the male/fem scenario and once for the fem/fem. If the androgyny is a fundamental element of this story for you, then I wouldn't worry about the effect. But if it's just there for added interest and not otherwise significant, I'd reconsider.
  
  The title: I have contradicting thoughts. I think it's a fantastic title. I loved it right away. However, for me it denotes themes that feel secondary to the actual story you tell. Their dialog was not only un-secretive but also indeed said. I felt it referenced negative space in the story without any gain to the contrasting positives. Above that, it was another thing detracting from the power that you have to offer here with these two characters.
  
  These are two areas - possibly of a handful of small things - that contribute to the story's shotgun spray effect. If you rewrite, I'd focus on defining the essence/center of gravity of this piece. Two interesting, compassionate, wounded people (real ones require a gender) meet and react in a powerful way. We're given a look into this moment that is extremely close to the surface of human emotion and contact. Secrets, spoken and unspoken, don't compare.
  
  
  This is still a great story as-is. Well done. -pela via read
• 
  Self-Murder Attempt - Review
  A review of Self-Murder Attempt
  by pela-via on 05/18/2009
  This wasn't bad. I think it needs a few changes, but overall it is solid authentic material. ***First of all, you're sharing a personal private story about attempted suicide; volumes could be said in response to such a thing. I'm not addressing that aspect in this review. I'm not personally callous to your traumatic experience, I'm just focused on the writing.*** on the... This wasn't bad. I think it needs a few changes, but overall it is solid authentic material.
  
  ***First of all, you're sharing a personal private story about attempted suicide; volumes could be said in response to such a thing. I'm not addressing that aspect in this review. I'm not personally callous to your traumatic experience, I'm just focused on the writing.***
  
  
  
  on the story overall.
  
  It is something of an anticlimax as a standalone story. I already know the ending going into it (you're alive), and the substantial action takes place just before this story begins. It may work fine in a memoir, but I'd keep in mind the anticlimactic nature when you're considering the length of this. I think you've given too many details. A 1/3 could be cut - not because the writing was bad, but because it dilutes the important stuff.
  
  
  At times this story feels like a report of facts.
  Example: "One officer asked me if I tried to kill myself. I said no."
  At this point in the story I can't figure out what you're thinking that would cause you to say no. As a reader I'll take the facts in order to understand the rest, but ultimately I'm after a human experience. Emotions, thoughts, desires, ideas etc. The rest is fleeting. The result of your tendency to favor facts over deeper internal processes is that I'm seeing someone I don't know go through motions. I could get that at the post office. People don't read novels, I don't think, for a report of events. It's the connections -- you to the reader, your life to its meaning and symbolism, your experiences to the desires of the reader, etc.
  
  
  Have you heard the expression, 'If you meet 4 [grumps] in a day, then you're the grump'? You've vilified every person but yourself here. I'm a little skeptical that you encountered that many hateful people at once. I don't know protocol for memoirs but it seems problematic to me to give a biased perspective in which you're the victim and/or hero.
  
  
  I don't see the benefit of the story's title, 'self murder' in place of 'suicide'. I don't think you should be awkward unless you can own it.
  
  
  
  on the writing.
  
  Your prayers - if that's what you feel they are - should probably be formatted apart from the narrative. Maybe use italics. And when over a couple sentences, start a new paragraph.
  
  some errors:
  -starring
  -the sound was so eerie [I'd use a superlative there in place of 'so eerie']
  -look alike
  -cheap red wine [this description is used twice and feels redundant]
  -of my big book lady. [Unless you mean large 'book lady' use a comma before lady]
  -paramedic’s [not possessive]
  -I was trying to conjure up the right answer, but there weren’t any. ['Weren't any' should be singular here. As in 'wasn't one']
  -good nights sleep. [make possessive. I think.]
  -One of the officers eyes rolled around in his head [This conjures images of marbles rolling around a hollow pumpkin. I'd rephrase. Also make 'officers' possessive.]
  -I felt as if they were questioning me for having killed somebody. [Are you going to address the irony here? You did try to kill someone...]
  -Why won’t they leave and go hound somebody else? I can’t go to jail. [Random, improper switch to present tense.]
  -“What Ever Happened to Baby Jane” movie, starring Betty Davis and Joan Crawford. [What demographic will your work appeal to? I'm 29, never saw the move, this reference is a blank for me. Also it reads like an ad.]
  -I’m jolted back into my current situation here in the emergency room. [Present tense]
  -It would never leave my mind until I got home to my sad dog. [I don't know about using 'never' and 'until' together...]
  -APAP.
  -he was their to [Change to there]
  -Page Eleven [re-do the page numbers -- That should be an auto thing in your text editor ?]
  -When she died two months later, [I don't think this should be dropped mid-paragraph. It's jolting.]
  -Oh, so now somebody believes how many pills I took. [This is in present tense for one thing, which can work with crafty punctuation and phrasing. But also I think you should resist the urge to speak candidly in this particular way. I would work out your personality (voice) as a writer and your ability to bring ironic humor, but I would be careful about how you wield these sorts of lines. While it's great for the reader to feel like you're speaking to them vocally, you have to remember we speak in a way that is much, much less sophisticated than how we write. The looser a writer gets with a common vernacular, the dumber they appear.]
  
  
  In sum, good work. I think you should keep writing and get your work to those who will benefit from your unique experiences. read
• 
  Awesome
  A review of 36 Belial Place
  by pela-via on 05/14/2009
  I really liked this story. It's tight and sharp. Very chilling. I think you have great writing talent. I don't have any complaints with this one. It does what it sets out to do. I think it's a successful short story! Some ideas. The last line sort of dropped cadence for me. To accomplish the strong finish you've set up, I'd consider either stopping at 'Somewhere I... I really liked this story. It's tight and sharp. Very chilling.
  
  I think you have great writing talent. I don't have any complaints with this one. It does what it sets out to do. I think it's a successful short story!
  
  
  Some ideas.
  The last line sort of dropped cadence for me. To accomplish the strong finish you've set up, I'd consider either stopping at 'Somewhere I shouldn't be.' OR... reword both last two lines. Maybe change to something like 'Where am I? Somewhere I don't belong. Somewhere no one belongs.' My main issue there is with flow. 'Somewhere no one should' feels like an incomplete sentence without the 'be' (considering the structure of the line it follows).
  
  
  Maybe it's a style choice to hold the paragraphs together through various speakers ? It does accomplish a rushed sense of chaos. But unless you know exactly what you're after with that, I think it might take away reader uncertainty to follow the standard and give each speaker a new paragraph.
  
  
  The pacing of the story changes a bit as we approach the end. There's no problem, but as we switch from detailed minutia to larger plot turns, it might be beneficial to add a little balance. I don't think big changes are necessary, but one thing you could do (more of) is write some of the details of those last freaky scenes in short, choppy sentences. Also, I think you could actually rush the ending even more with cuts to condense things for an ultra chaotic splash of terror. OR you could slow it down, add some pages, and write it on pace with the beginning to let those last images percolate in. It's great content either way.
  
  Well done! read