This is an impressive little story. You've done a great job with a unique concept. I enjoyed it quite a bit.
First of all, kudos on a great first sentence! My expectations rose immediately.
The writing was really good. I didn't notice any errors or phrasing issues. The use/restraint of adjectives and adverbs felt well balanced. The few metaphors were great and well placed.
I liked 'carousel of confusion.'
I liked this sentence: 'His eyes shot around the room, taking in Sandy, the bodies, the man, the door, Sandy, the door, Alice, the man, the door
The ideas in this story are pretty deep. I think you did a good job of tapping into something timeless, and that's always nice.
A couple minor notes.
'He smelled of cowardice, and
...' I couldn't help but wonder... what? I guessed it was something related to how/why they were there, but I don't know if that's what you intended ?
'hollow thud.' I paused at this because I really couldn't imagine a hollow thud.
I thought your ending took a daring, interesting turn. I liked that you didn't use one of the two I expected. (Daniel the hero or all three murdered.) Although, I have to say, the ambiguity became a thing for me at the end. Meaning, I liked the mysteries before, but at the end it wasn't clear to me what exactly happened. And maybe you wanted that effect ? But it may have felt smoother for me to have that last part spelled out a bit more. Did Sandy die ? from the lack of insulin ? Was Alice facing a slow death from ... being stuck? I'm sorry - I'm probably a dense reader.
Great job. You write like a pro.
Review of: Hope's End
reviewed by pela-via on 06/03/2009
Other Reviews by pela-via 51
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