This was a fun and entertaining story. The narrative constantly keeps shifting to reveal something new, and no one is really what they seem. There were a lot of surprises in 8 pages, kudos for that.
The dialogue fluctuated between sharp ("I hope you're not going to tell me this is your table"), and cheesy. If anything I would just iron out a few of the more cliched lines in the conversation with Kendra ("I'm trouble", "you like bad boys", etc.) Of course those lines are later revealed to actually be threats more than playful banter, which is great in retrospect, but at the time they sound a little stilted. Try to make that conversation a little more unique, and heighten the subtext.
I'm also not quite sure about the last paragraph. I like the reversal, but he's not quite sure what he is? He seems sentient enough that he should be aware of his origins. It just struck me as an odd line
But anyway, I enjoyed this piece. It flows well and is full of energy. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
Review of: Food Chain
reviewed by dgburton on 02/28/2011
Other Reviews by dgburton 67
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