That was a marathon read. Where to start?
Well, I was properly confused for the majority of this script. Asking the audience to suspend belief regarding the fact no one ages, without an explanation, is a hard ask. Secondly, what was the purpose of this living throughout the different ages? It's an expensive gimmick that doesn't add anything to Beaux's character development, entertain audiences or have any real point. I take it this was some fictional kind of parallel universe or something, with similar to real life famous people and such like, again, what for?
I also was left a long time with no real sense of what Beaux's goals or motivations were, where this plot was headed or what was at risk. The stakes don't get raised as time goes on with Beaux's only major problem is him deciding which sport to dominate. He started off promising, even interesting but quickly becomes boring and doesn't change much after he hits his twenties. Jersey was the most interesting character for me. Both the females, unlikable and fairly useless.
Your grammar is poor, letting you down on the first few pages. That's basic stuff. On the plus side, scene description is nicely spaced out but even so, the script is quite word heavy. Obviously 150 pages is way too long. I think you need to go back to the drawing board on this one and fix the major problems.
Here's my notes as I read it:
Your first ten pages will show the reader your level of ability. Focus on this as I doubt many will read on.
Am not American so probably a lot of this went over my head, but I kind of think you should double check all your historical data just to make sure it's all correct.
p1 – repetition of the “young” in the very first paragraph
p1 – not entirely convinced Britney was a name used in 17 century America
p1 – is the kids physical appearance important? If not, give us a more character revealing description when you introduce them
p2 – got a few grammar mistakes in there already.
P2 – no point having ‘Ring of Fire’ unless you got the rights. Maybe use a description of what type of music you want in this scene.
P2 – if you got people shouting out to Beaux, you got to script the words.
P3 – like the reveal that Beaux is perhaps famous. Good hook.
Like Jim’s dialogue. Beaux’s is good sometimes, but not consistent.
P9 – I don’t think you’ve used the word “young” enough on this page. Try and cram it in some more. Only joking, think you can cut most of them out. The reader will know what you mean.
P10 – now we’re in the 1700’s? Is this a typo or are these people not aging very much?
P15 – that isn’t a montage. It’s just a normal scene.
What state are we in? Or does that really matter?
P17 – What’s a forty-niner?
Confusion. Dean and Beaux left town to get away from women but 100 years later they’re in a different place panning for gold and Saca is there with them? Not really following the plot here. Dean’s been there for two hundred years and he’s still not made himself rich. How long does it take?
lol, evil eyebrows, nice one.
Thought this was a story about baseball? Not reading much about it yet.
You should really explain this whole not ageing thing to the audience early on. How come no one is mentioning it. Need to explain the rules of this world. Does everyone live forever or just certain people?
This will probably cost a lot to make considering it covers such an extensive time period.
P44 – its been 300 years and Britney as only reached the level of a secretary!
eep, just realized this is 150 pages long. TOO LONG!
P46 - "beloved cubs" - would someone really say that?
P47 - rather than have the super, how bout someone says it or show it in another way?
P58 - how will the audience know the two guys are famous actors? Show don't tell remember.
P61 - Jersey's never shown any good boxing skills before. How come he can suddenly beat a world champ?
P62 - Why have the family house scene?
I don't see the point in all this skipping through time stuff. If it's moving towards something, I don't see it. Am on P70 now and don't know what the characters goals or motivations are, what all the period scenes have to do with the overall story or even who the protagonist is. No focus.
P73 "The park has trees", how unusual.
p79 - Women can't vote for what in the 1940's???
P80 - UFO's now. This just keeps getting weirder.
What's with all the famous look a likes with just off names? Meredeth Monroe etc, What's the point in telling us her name as it's never spoken and the audience won't know it.
P102 - "I knew you would be here" how so? There's been absolutely no set up.
Elton dies of a heart attack. Sure it wasn't old age?
Is Beaux some sort of superhuman? Master of every sport, even after being shot. Where's his weaknesses, major flaws. He seems to fly through life without too much hassle. No rising stakes, no big consequences if he fails.
Find out the difference between a scene and a montage for gawd's sake.
What is the point of Lil' Eric?
P150 - Will this guy EVER die??
Review of: The G.O.A.T.
reviewed by leehamilton51 on 03/05/2012
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