I feel literally drained.
That was a marathon read. Where to start?
Well, I was properly confused for the majority of this script. Asking the audience to suspend belief regarding the fact no one ages, without an explanation, is a hard ask. Secondly, what was the purpose of this living throughout the different ages? It's an expensive gimmick that doesn't add anything to Beaux's character development, entertain audiences or have any real point. I take it this was some fictional kind of parallel universe or something, with similar to real life famous people and such like, again, what for?
I also was left a long time with no real sense of what Beaux's goals or motivations were, where this plot was headed or what was at risk. The stakes don't get raised as time goes on with Beaux's only major problem is him deciding which sport to dominate. He started off promising, even interesting but quickly becomes boring and doesn't change much after he hits his twenties. Jersey was the most interesting character for me. Both the females, unlikable and fairly useless.
Your grammar is poor, letting you down on the first few pages. That's basic stuff. On the plus side, scene description is nicely spaced out but even so, the script is quite word heavy. Obviously 150 pages is way too long. I think you need to go back to the drawing board on this one and fix the major problems.
Here's my notes as I read it:
Your first ten pages will show the reader your level of ability. Focus on this as I doubt many will read on.
Am not American so probably a lot of this went over my head, but I kind of think you should double check all your historical data just to make sure it's all correct.
p1 – repetition of the “young” in the very first paragraph
p1 – not entirely convinced Britney was a name used in 17 century America
p1 – is the kids physical appearance important? If not, give us a more character revealing description when you introduce them
p2 – got a few grammar mistakes in there already.
P2 – no point having ‘Ring of Fire’ unless you got the rights. Maybe use a description of what type of music you want in this scene.
P2 – if you got people shouting out to Beaux, you got to script the words.
P3 – like the reveal that Beaux is perhaps famous. Good hook.
Like Jim’s dialogue. Beaux’s is good sometimes, but not consistent.
P9 – I don’t think you’ve used the word “young” enough on this page. Try and cram it in some more. Only joking, think you can cut most of them out. The reader will know what you mean.
P10 – now we’re in the 1700’s? Is this a typo or are these people not aging very much?
P15 – that isn’t a montage. It’s just a normal scene.
What state are we in? Or does that really matter?
P17 – What’s a forty-niner?
Confusion. Dean and Beaux left town to get away from women but 100 years later they’re in a different place panning for gold and Saca is there with them? Not really following the plot here. Dean’s been there for two hundred years and he’s still not made himself rich. How long does it take?
lol, evil eyebrows, nice one.
Thought this was a story about baseball? Not reading much about it yet.
You should really explain this whole not ageing thing to the audience early on. How come no one is mentioning it. Need to explain the rules of this world. Does everyone live forever or just certain people?
This will probably cost a lot to make considering it covers such an extensive time period.
P44 – its been 300 years and Britney as only reached the level of a secretary!
eep, just realized this is 150 pages long. TOO LONG!
P46 - "beloved cubs" - would someone really say that?
P47 - rather than have the super, how bout someone says it or show it in another way?
P58 - how will the audience know the two guys are famous actors? Show don't tell remember.
P61 - Jersey's never shown any good boxing skills before. How come he can suddenly beat a world champ?
P62 - Why have the family house scene?
I don't see the point in all this skipping through time stuff. If it's moving towards something, I don't see it. Am on P70 now and don't know what the characters goals or motivations are, what all the period scenes have to do with the overall story or even who the protagonist is. No focus.
P73 "The park has trees", how unusual.
p79 - Women can't vote for what in the 1940's???
P80 - UFO's now. This just keeps getting weirder.
What's with all the famous look a likes with just off names? Meredeth Monroe etc, What's the point in telling us her name as it's never spoken and the audience won't know it.
P102 - "I knew you would be here" how so? There's been absolutely no set up.
Elton dies of a heart attack. Sure it wasn't old age?
Is Beaux some sort of superhuman? Master of every sport, even after being shot. Where's his weaknesses, major flaws. He seems to fly through life without too much hassle. No rising stakes, no big consequences if he fails.
Find out the difference between a scene and a montage for gawd's sake.
What is the point of Lil' Eric?
P150 - Will this guy EVER die??
Other Reviews by leehamilton51
44
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Firstly, well done on a solid, well written script. You clearly have a good sence of screenwriting (and firefighting). The script seems only a few passes away from being complete. My thoughts on what needs some work:-
Probably the main thing to look at is your scene description. Nice as it is, there's way too much of it. Your first ten pages in particular are clogged up with...
Firstly, well done on a solid, well written script. You clearly have a good sence of screenwriting (and firefighting). The script seems only a few passes away from being complete. My thoughts on what needs some work:-
Probably the main thing to look at is your scene description. Nice as it is, there's way too much of it. Your first ten pages in particular are clogged up with the stuff and makes for a slow start to the read. I noticed that later on the description did eventually thin itself out a bit but early on you kind of go on a bit. Try to be less specific. Toby's reaction to Grace's hair, Keith holding the severed arm by the wrist, rectangular kitchens, four bay doors etc. All this stuff isn't advancing plot or is very necessary for an audience or reader to know.
Really focus on saying all that stuff just with fewer words. This will go a long way to tightening the struture and pacing too. I found few problems with the pacing and felt it flowed very well, but chopping the length will definitely help. The severed arm scene was a great thing to have in the first ten pages and was completely unexpected and a good break away.
While you are very specific in some things, you do miss vital descriptions during action. "They exit the car", "He stands", be clear about who you are referring to, especially when there is more than one guy in the scene. I would probably recommend losing the flashbacks. Especially the early ones which are pretty useless and are telling us stuff we already know. Also lose the cut away to seeing Jason at Paul's while Madeline talks about him.
Watch the speed of things happening in the script. Thomas takes like thirty seconds to take a piss, fire engines and ambulances seem to arrive instantaniously after an accident.
I liked the dialogue a lot. Frannies stood out in particular (although she is just a minor character). I don't think you need to look at dialogue too much at all. My favourite scenes where those between Keith and Madeline where the dialogue between them just seemed to bounce off one another. I liked the rock and antennae scene but thought this could have been a set up for further trouble from Keith's roommate.
The setting off a fire alarm as his way of getting them back didn't work for me and them being a problem for him was wrapped up too quickly and badly. Similarly with Keith's criminal past. Was it even worth mentioning it as it certainly isn't any kind of problem or obstace to overcome. Equally Jason is hardly a problem either. No confrontation between him and Keith? Plus how can Jason drive off to find Keith when he has never met him or knows where to find him. It was a bit too convenient for him to just die in car crash.
Really liked the calm before the storm, waiting for a call out - p48, the pager going off when talking to the professor - p59, the cutting finger pay-off, p92 and especially loved the pacemaker scene and thought it was very emotional.
Keith could do to have more scene time at the end of the script rather than us just hearing him in voice over. See him on his travels and posting the letter or something. I didn't understand the consistant reference to him fidgeting or feeling nervous as he actually acts extremely confident in almost all his scenes.
If you want to lose some pages, consider cutting Keith's parents out of it. Though I very much liked your character descriptions, they disappear half way through any ways. Look more closely at Keith's journey. Is there enough conflict? What stakes are at risk? Keith doesn't seem to stand to lose anything very significant to him. He's not bothered about being chucked out of school so it's hardly a stake. If you can work that out then you can start increasing the risks in the second half. It's a drama after all, so start cranking it up much more after mid-point. Overall, a solid foundation just tighten.
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This screenplay took a long time to become really interesting. Though I must admit I was enjoying the first act with crazy Sylvia. But after that, there is a bit of a lull between Sylvia putting a bullet through her head and the possessed Mr. Kittles at the end.
Most of all, the script suffers from slow pacing. Which is easily rectified, as there is a lot that can be cut...
This screenplay took a long time to become really interesting. Though I must admit I was enjoying the first act with crazy Sylvia. But after that, there is a bit of a lull between Sylvia putting a bullet through her head and the possessed Mr. Kittles at the end.
Most of all, the script suffers from slow pacing. Which is easily rectified, as there is a lot that can be cut and condensed. With too much space between the small action/horror sequences you risk losing audience interest. Waiting for something to happen doesn't equal suspense. I reckon what you've got is a good base to expand on though. The murder of Dr. Lake may do well to be the midpoint, and this would allow for better stake raising and tension building etc.
The mystery aspect didn't kick in until page 60-ish for me. You might want you're audience to feel this a bit earlier on thought. Up until then I had presumed dead Sylvia was haunting and possessing people. You might want to plant the idea that it's Cody that's insane a bit earlier on? You also might think about whether not giving us the answer to that question would leave audiences feeling a bit let down too. I had forgotten what genre it was supposed to be when I started to read it, but unfortunately, wasn't able to sus out what genre it was until well into the screenplay. Could be worth working on.
Characters were a bit bland. Sylvia, of course stands out as being the most interesting, but Cody didn't do anything for me. Sure, he's got out sympathy because he's going through all of this stuff, but other that seeing a psychiatrist and visiting a shop, he doesn't do much about helping himself. Consider making him more active rather than pretty much passive. Kristen's a bit of a wet blanket as is Dr. Lake. The detective has potential but he isn't even involved in the final show down, you could be wasting a good opportunity to use him there. Dialogue too was a bit clunky in parts. I'd recommend reading the lines out loud to get a better feel of rhythm etc.
Scene description was good in parts but slowed down the pace a lot of the time by telling us things that weren't important. It's quite swamped with action direction as opposed to setting mood and atmosphere. An example is there in the very first paragraph - "Morella fidgets with her salad as Cody takes a sip of wine" You can easily say that Morella feels uncomfortable, and who cares about the sip of wine, just say they're eating diner or something.
One exercise I really recommend for this screenplay is read through it and cut as many first and last lines as you can get away with. That goes for scene description as well as dialogue. It'll speed up the pace and take out a whole lot of stuff you don't really need.
Here's my notes as I went through it:-
p1 - have used the word nice twice in the first two sentences, get a thesaurus.
p1 - Try setting mood rather than telling us what movements the characters are doing.
p1-3 - possibly shorten this scene if possible?
p5 - Grammar check.
p9 - She is drink driving! She deserved bad things.
p12 - Cody talks to himself a lot? Is he talking to the cat?
- Dialogue a bit drab -
p14 - Tonia's name has been said by Sylvia, you can use it instead of calling her CO-WORKER.
- Not sure what genre this is yet? -
p18 - like "outside your house"
p19 - i presume that Mr. Kittles is going to get killed at some point?
p21 - like "oops, too late"
p24 - like "out of the shadows"
p28 - "sip of wine, onto coffee table" not sure if we need all of this direction.
p30 - INT DINER - cut 1st two lines of dialogue.
p31 - Spelling - plume not plum.
p37 - more action direction! let the actors do it.
p38 - watch all of those FADE TO BLACK's, not really used all that much anymore.
p40 - iI presume Kristen has been possessed by Sylvia here?
- Spelling, Grammar, Formatting - Proof read! -
- It's all a bit meek, waiting for something to happen -
p46 - all the description about the microwave - too long.
p47 - "snaps the cap back on and puts it back into the cabinet" - cut/shorten/do we need it?
p52 - "email me every once in a while" - repetition.
p55 - like spinning head.
- Not sure if the title fits? although it is a good title for a film. -
p58 - "Rallying and talking" - we can see they're talking, don't need to tell us this.
p61 - Now starting to wonder how this mystery is going to pan out?
p61 - INT. HALLWAY instead of KRISTEN'S APARTMENT NIGHT. Stops the flow of reading.
p68 - "Cody finishes explaining" If he's talking, we need to see the dialogue.
p70 - Checking the thermostat? be clearer what's happening here, although it's easy to guess.
p70 - Cody doesn't seem that bothered about having just come from a dead body?
p78 - News of Dr. Lakes murder - this would probably make a good mid-point.
p83 - like Cody's fingernail biting habit.
p97 - Well, is he mad or not???
Overall, there are many likeable moments but they're drowned out by the slow pacing of the story. Cut out all the unnecessary scene description, make dialogue more interesting, Cody more active, and put some bigger and better trailer moments in there to make it a better read. Hope this helps.
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This reminds me a little of 'From Dusk Till Dawn' in that it starts off as one thing and then out of the blue, turns into a completely different story. But with an added twist at the end.
I thought the first act was by far the strongest first act I've read in a long time. And this tale of a native cast off from society is the story I would like to have seen developed, rather...
This reminds me a little of 'From Dusk Till Dawn' in that it starts off as one thing and then out of the blue, turns into a completely different story. But with an added twist at the end.
I thought the first act was by far the strongest first act I've read in a long time. And this tale of a native cast off from society is the story I would like to have seen developed, rather than it turn into a standard man trying to kill someone in the woods story. (Saying that, I was compelled to read it through to the end and risk being late for work because I wanted to see how it turned out, which really shows that you have great skill as a writer)
But I feel that the abused girl story, with the slant of being a Native American was far more an original concept for me than the rest of it. The horrors of that realistic street life and terrible back story was more scary than the guy killing people in the woods.
Having read the synopsis, I was expecting more of a Native American influence on the plot and was a little disappointed that there wasn't. I think it would really interest audiences to see something about which they may not know a lot about. The way you wrote the native characters, they could easily have been read as being white.
Marnie was by far the most compelling character. Well developed but you got to start feeling really sorry for the heroin addict street kid who was sexually abused by her own dad when she gets kidnapped by a couple of homicidal maniacs. Cut the girl some slack. I really wanted the character to get some revenge or escape or have a slight bit of happiness so I wasn't sure abut the surprise ending of her being buried alive and kept alive. Definitely didn't see that coming!
I did see Lee as the accomplice as soon as Leonard said the name in the car. So it was no surprise to me when Marnie bumps into her at the campsite. But maybe I just picked up on that cos that's my name, and I immediately thought on p36, surely there isn't two characters with the name Lee in this? So you could probably work some more on the suspense. Maybe keeping the killer in the woods identity unknown for a little longer. It didn't work for me that Leonard turned up and then decided that he had someone else to deal with first. Neither did the cynical street wise kid not noticing that Lee at the campsite was way too calm and understanding about just being told that there's a mass murderer in the woods.
I did like the baby spider creature and thought that made for an excellent scary image. The killer taunting her with bags of heroin was also a good idea. Just keeping the, "is this bit real or a hallucination?" idea going.
Very professionally looking script, possibly too professional, if that's possible. You'll probably get other reviews saying don't write in music or scene directions and stuff, but it didn't bother me while I was reading it, in fact it was about the only thing I could see to criticise for about 30 pages. It isn't a quick read but the for first act especially, you're painting such a vivid world that it would be difficult not to. I did find it a bit harder going with the running about in the woods stuff and the third act description of the chamber and stuff. Probably worth easing it out a little. You should definitely shorten the long walk she has on p18-19 (Although I think it add to the mood of the film if you keep it as a gritty drama piece), there is a long winded scene description on p24 where the reader will understand that the place is a shithole without the extra wording. You could also cut the flashback to the mermaid on p31. The audience will get that Marnie is thinking about it. The only other thing worth considering is condensing the flashbacks to her childhood so that fewer actors will be needed to portray the different ages.
Overall, I have marked this script as very good. You have definite skill in writing. I think you may be selling yourself a little short by turning it into a slasher flick when it looks like you have what it takes to maintain it as a gritty drama about drug using street kids. Consider writing a draft without the serial killer and see where Marnie ends up.
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