I like the title
I’m hesitant to pass judgement on the relative humor of this. Teenage comedies are particularly generational. I don’t find Beach Blanket Bingo funny and I doubt kids today would find Sixteen Candles funny. So I won’t even try and say whether the script is funny or not.
I generally liked the confusion of Will and his impulse (universal, I bet) to want to hurry up and be older. I also like the banter between Andrea and Will. I also enjoyed and the way the friendship with Jabee develops but think he should have a bigger role. I feel like his example is to teach Will that you don’t have to wait to be creative and successful. Basically, what does he really need Chuck Chase for anymore? It seems like teenagers today are just going ahead and doing stuff themselves. Why doesn’t Will make a website and sell them himself?
This ties into one of my complaints – Chuck. Dramatically, why is he showing up everywhere? It doesn’t make any sense and it brings nothing to the script. His purpose is as an object of aspiration to Will, thus making the briefcase important. But he can do this without popping up repeatedly.
Try to avoid saying things that can’t be seen. These are two character descriptions - p.1 “pretty smart and funny enough” “Conceited, rude, selfish, dumb.” None of those things is going to come across immediately. On the other hand “talks
fast and oozes confidence” – that’s good.
For all the talk about the Pace brothers, they never really do anything.
p.62. Why on earth would Will just drop his briefcase down Again in the middle of a party? It’s just too stupid for him.
It seemed kind of strange that Chao started out as a character then vanished.
I had a fake ID - you cannot make one with a fingernail. (especially these days)
Because we don’t know anything about the girls at the prom, his stunt comes off as funny but cruel and very out of character.
Bit too much puking for one shotgun, no?
Other Reviews by pedromart
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So I think screenwriting is somewhere between craft and art, think of a well-built house or an amazing sculpture. You’ve got yourself a pretty well-built house. There’s nothing particularly innovative or original but it’s solidly built, everything’s where it should be and it’s precisely what it set out to be. (this is a compliment, by the way)
Except…the flashbacks.
Flashbacks...
So I think screenwriting is somewhere between craft and art, think of a well-built house or an amazing sculpture. You’ve got yourself a pretty well-built house. There’s nothing particularly innovative or original but it’s solidly built, everything’s where it should be and it’s precisely what it set out to be. (this is a compliment, by the way)
Except…the flashbacks.
Flashbacks are tricky to pull off. Frankly I don’t think you need them. Some of them simply reinforce what you’ve already shown/told in the present. I see what you were trying to do and if you think they’re important enough to your vision, at least cut them. I didn’t add it up but I bet they’re close to 1/3 of the script. Because of them the actually plot/villain gets sold short. I never really got that into Resnick and the situation because I spent too much time in the past. Basically, I recommend taking another look at each one and asking ‘what is the purpose? What is this telling the audience? Take the flooding tunnel. It’s a great action set piece, but why not put that in the present and make it part of Resnick’s plot as a distraction or something? What would you lose – only how he and his partner started out together. So what?
Alternatively, you could open the movie with the in the past then move ahead to the present and stay there, or use some kind of montage of his relationship with Amy. Anything to reduce the back and forth, its jarring. I think if you fix this, it would be a very marketable action movie.
The stuff with the bomb defusing is good – fiber optics, aerosol cans, etc. Seemed authentic and you write action scenes well (I’m jealous)
Wouldn’t Resnick have heard the explosion in the stairwell? I think you stay away from him too long. Between p.28 and 63, Resnick only makes a very short appearance at 41.
Why would Trent become his partner? Explain the body temperature vest thing prior to the very end. It felt random and out-of-nowhere.
This seems awfully elaborate for a laid off reporter. Give him some more depth.
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Horror is a tricky thing. A lot depends on tone, which is sometimes difficult to pick up in a script. I felt like I shouldn’t take things too seriously, like you wanted it to be somewhat fun and campy, but not totally silly like Evil Dead or something - I wonder if that was your intent. For a while it made me think of a movie called the Cemetery Man. I guess this tone was established...
Horror is a tricky thing. A lot depends on tone, which is sometimes difficult to pick up in a script. I felt like I shouldn’t take things too seriously, like you wanted it to be somewhat fun and campy, but not totally silly like Evil Dead or something - I wonder if that was your intent. For a while it made me think of a movie called the Cemetery Man. I guess this tone was established early with how over-the-top awful Jack is, and then Kyle.
But after that I thought you did a great job of spooling out the weirdness, there’s a good pace to it and I was curious what was going to happen. At some point though, Dan’s exploits got too ridiculous, particularly since Cecil had to first “show” him how to be violent. It did have me guessing until the very end what was going on, but ultimately the schizophrenia felt a little cheap – anytime the audience finds out the entire thing is fake generally annoys. The movie Spider used schizo nicely but the audience was basically aware of it. I wonder if you couldn’t combine the schizo with something else, so its not all in his head but some of it is and there's a tension between real and delusion. For a while, I thought when he touched things they came back to life temporarily, you know like with the goldfish – I thought that was going to be the hook.
Some random stuff…
Doesn’t seem like he would run out and announce mary’s murder after all the stuff he’s seen that’s vanished. He should be kind of used to these things.
Cecil can’t possibly expect Jack do believe him or help.
On p.85 he says he knows how to stop them but on 91 he says he doesn’t know what to do.
It was a little confusing what was real and not. So for at least 6 months this time the entire complex has been empty except Beth?
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Interesting premise. Definitely took some turns I didn’t see coming. Structurally it’s sound, with potential as a message movie for tv.
One concern I have is that empathy for Ruby is reduced too quickly. Meaning, I feel like you want a situation where we can see both sides of this and the audience struggles with the ethical situation. But once we see the loving family of...
Interesting premise. Definitely took some turns I didn’t see coming. Structurally it’s sound, with potential as a message movie for tv.
One concern I have is that empathy for Ruby is reduced too quickly. Meaning, I feel like you want a situation where we can see both sides of this and the audience struggles with the ethical situation. But once we see the loving family of Paulie, it reduces the sense that Ruby, though misguided, is acting in the best interest of the boy. I think there should be a period of time where the audience wants Ruby to take the boy. But as soon as the thanksgiving scene, we simply want the boy to be with his grandparents and Ruby’s actions seem blatantly criminal. I think if we only see the boy’s situation through Ruby’s eyes until after the abduction it would work better, so we see nothing of Sharon except her utter neglect of Pauley. The audience should choose Ruby over a foster home, not between Rudy and the nice, caring grandparents. Having Sharon express less concern over Pauley would help too.
I would have liked to have seen more time with Pauley after he discovered the truth. Explore how someone would cope with that and the issues of identity. On one hand, he’s the same person he was but on the other, he’s not.
The dialogue can be a bit one the nose, watch out for characters saying things that sound like a movie. And I don't think you need the judge to spell out the themes like that.
Also, minor details but I’m not sure Sharon, as a convicted felon on parole, would get immediate custody like that. And a completely suspended sentence might be pushing it a bit.
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