Review of: Premature (rewrite) 

reviewed by pedromart on 08/01/2011
Credited Review
pedromart
I like the title Credited Review
I’m hesitant to pass judgement on the relative humor of this. Teenage comedies are particularly generational. I don’t find Beach Blanket Bingo funny and I doubt kids today would find Sixteen Candles funny. So I won’t even try and say whether the script is funny or not.

I generally liked the confusion of Will and his impulse (universal, I bet) to want to hurry up and be older. I also like the banter between Andrea and Will. I also enjoyed and the way the friendship with Jabee develops but think he should have a bigger role. I feel like his example is to teach Will that you don’t have to wait to be creative and successful. Basically, what does he really need Chuck Chase for anymore? It seems like teenagers today are just going ahead and doing stuff themselves. Why doesn’t Will make a website and sell them himself?

This ties into one of my complaints – Chuck. Dramatically, why is he showing up everywhere? It doesn’t make any sense and it brings nothing to the script. His purpose is as an object of aspiration to Will, thus making the briefcase important. But he can do this without popping up repeatedly.

Try to avoid saying things that can’t be seen. These are two character descriptions - p.1 “pretty smart and funny enough” “Conceited, rude, selfish, dumb.” None of those things is going to come across immediately. On the other hand “talks
fast and oozes confidence” – that’s good.

For all the talk about the Pace brothers, they never really do anything.

p.62. Why on earth would Will just drop his briefcase down Again in the middle of a party? It’s just too stupid for him.

It seemed kind of strange that Chao started out as a character then vanished.

I had a fake ID - you cannot make one with a fingernail. (especially these days)

Because we don’t know anything about the girls at the prom, his stunt comes off as funny but cruel and very out of character.

Bit too much puking for one shotgun, no?

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