I want to kill...but not until p.77
The Motor City Madman says...I was very curious about this screenplay because I am the father of an autistic child and wanted to see how the writer dealt with that. As written, I can see the character of Ned maybe suffering from Asbergur's syndrome, but a very mild case. The most notible symptom of autism is the difficulty of communication. Even high function autistics stammer, stutter, repeat themselves over and over, and in many cases cannot create spontaneous communication, parroting what others have said. Ned's character is very in touch with his feelings and his voice overs are too articulate for a man with his disability. Also, most autistics are non violent and comfortable living in their own little worlds because it is hard for them to relate emotionally. An example, I've seen five autistic childred pick out five trucks to play with, then go out the back yard and each child plays by themselves in their own areas. And these children are very high functioning.
My second problem with this script is that it's called I want to kill and nobody dies until p.77. I want carnage man! Blood, guts, violence!
On the mother's death, how fast was the car going? I can see getting injured, but not killed.
I would also recommend getting rid of the narration and replace it with action. I know your goal was a lot of narration but I think it takes away from the script because you could replace it with action. Like when Ned's getting butt raped, we know his butt hurts, we don't need his narrator to know this.
Having him meet a mass murderer out of the blue seems a little unlikly. In fact, without harry, Ned has to figure out how to get out of his own trouble like the second confrontation with Stan. I almost felt cheated when Harry came in to save the day.
You have two montages pretty close together. Not too big a deal, but it might mess with the coninuity of the film.
The mini mart where Ned carries the pistol would probably have a video tape of this happening. That would lead the cops right to his place.
Overall there is a story there. The motivation is a little misplaced. Like if he didn't go after stan with a knife and he raped him anyway, that would make him a victim and would be more motivating to cause him to want to kill. think about taxi driver. DeNiro's motivation drove him crazy, he was nuts, but we all understood where he came from. He was affected by the things that happened to him and took action to make things right (at least in his own mind).
Other Reviews by tednugent
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THE MOTOR CITY MADMAN SAYS...LITTLE MISS DANGEROUS. A PRETTY GOOD SCREENPLAY. I GOT THROUGH THE READ PRETTY EASY. AS IT PICKED UP MOMENTUM TOWARDS THE END, I BECAME MORE ENTHRALLED TO SEE WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CHARACTERS. I READ THE SCREENPLAY WITHOUT EVER LOOKING AT MY WATCH, WHICH TO ME IS THE FIRST STANDARD TO GO BY. WE ALL KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LABOR THROUGH A SCREENPLAY,...
THE MOTOR CITY MADMAN SAYS...LITTLE MISS DANGEROUS. A PRETTY GOOD SCREENPLAY. I GOT THROUGH THE READ PRETTY EASY. AS IT PICKED UP MOMENTUM TOWARDS THE END, I BECAME MORE ENTHRALLED TO SEE WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CHARACTERS. I READ THE SCREENPLAY WITHOUT EVER LOOKING AT MY WATCH, WHICH TO ME IS THE FIRST STANDARD TO GO BY. WE ALL KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LABOR THROUGH A SCREENPLAY, AND WITH THIS ONE IT WENT PRETTY SMOOTH. CHARACTERS WERE PRETTY GOOD, I JUST THINK THEY COULD HAVE HAD MORE ARC TO THEM. I DID CARE ABOUT THEM THOUGH, AND THAT'S A GOOD SIGN. WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE END.
I WAS A LITTLE DISSAPOINTED TO SEE BARNES SAVE THE DAY. I THINK IT WOULD HAVE TAKEN MORE EFFORT TO HAVE THE COLLINS'S FIGURE IT OUT FOR THEMSELVES. ALSO, THE WAY IT WORKED OUT WITH SUSAN EXPLAINING EVERYTHING USING DIALOGUE WHEN IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE EXCITING TO SEE THEM FIGURE THIS OUT. HOW WOULD PAUL NOT KNOW IT IS BECKY. HE MUST HAVE BEEN AROUND HER BEFORE THIS AND PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER.
I THINK THE SCENE WHERE SHE KILLS DET. MIKE AND WE FIND OUT THAT SUSAN AND BECKY WERE THE SAME PERSON CAME TO SOON. IT TAKES AWAY FROM THE CLIMAX AT THE ENDING.
DIALOGUE IS WHAT PROBABLY HURTS THIS STORY THE MOST. IT COMES OFF CAMPY SOMETIMES, MOST OF IT IS ON THE NOSE WITH LITTLE SUBTEXT. CHARACTERS SHOULD NOT ALWAYS SPEAK THEIR MINDS. THEY SHOULD LIE TO EACH OTHER, DECEIVE, SAY ONE THING WHEN THEY MEAN ANOTHER. I THINK THIS WOULD PLAY TO THE SCREENPLAYS BELIEVABILITY.
AND THE REST:
P.1 USING CUTE AND ATTRACTIVE IN YOUR CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN TOLD THAT ALL CHARACTERS ARE ATTRACTIVE UNLESS SPECIFIED OTHERWISE.
P.1 OINKMENT - CUTE
P.15 WHY IS RILEY SLEEPING AN INSERT? SOUNDS LIKE A DESCRIPTIVE PASSAGE.
P.32 "BLAKE HAS HEARD THIS ALL BEFORE" HOW WOULD A VIEWER KNOW THAT?
P.45 HOW CAN THEY RANSOM OFF PAUL IF HE'S ALREADY DEAD?
P.47 WE KNOW BARNES IS TRAVELING.
P.51 DETECTIVE WITH A LOLLIPOP. KIND OF TELLY SAVALIS STYLE.
P.57 HOW DOES HE KNOW ABOUT BIOLOGICAL FATHER?
P.76 PAUL'S FALL SEEMS KINK OF CHEAP.
FLASHBACKS--ARE THEY NECESSARY?(ALL OF THEM)
P.82 I DON'T THINK THE COTNER CALL ADDED ANYTHING TO THE STORY.
P.85 IS THERE A THREE DAY WAITING PERIOD TO BUY A GUN? THERE IS IN CA THAT'S WHY I ASK.
P.86 WHY WOULD MIKE DRAW HIS GUN? NOTHING HAS HAPPENED TO TROUBLE HIM.
I THINK THE POLICE OFFICERS IN THE MOVIE COME VERY PASSIVE. THERE'S A COUPLE OF SCENES WHERE NO NEW INFORMATION IS PASSED ON.
ENJOYED THE READ. WHILE I'M THINKING ABOUT IT, MAYBE MIKE COULD FOLLOW BECKY AND THEN SHE ENDS UP KILLING HIM, WITHOUT GIVING IT AWAY THAT IT'S BECKY SO WHEN SHE GETS TO THE CABIN FOR THE ENDING, WE WOULD BE SURPRISED. JUST FOOD FOR THOUGHT.
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The motor city madman says...that the first 115 pages put me in a stranglehold baby. Despite some of my later critiques, I really enjoyed this screenplay. It was compelling and a page turner and the easiest read I've had on TS. The celestine prophecy and the math and meaning of life was really good. You were able to communicate high tech stuff and still keep it understandable...
The motor city madman says...that the first 115 pages put me in a stranglehold baby. Despite some of my later critiques, I really enjoyed this screenplay. It was compelling and a page turner and the easiest read I've had on TS. The celestine prophecy and the math and meaning of life was really good. You were able to communicate high tech stuff and still keep it understandable.
My first complaint is the ending! You set everything up so that Greg would follow Taylor's path of random coincidences and unravel what happens to both men. Instead, you got all the way to the payoff and started over again at P.1. I really wanted to find out how we got from point A to point B. I mean, did Greg drive off a cliff, did he turn into matter, did he time jump into Taylor back on page 1? If so, how did it all happen? If you revised the ending and posted it again, I would be the first one to read it.
p.12 Shower scene seems gratuitist.
P.29 How would Mcthrifty know Greg was having a dream?
Why does Greg care so much about about Taylor. Has he investigated people before? Is it a hobby? What got him on this one? Why was it different then the other instances?
Everything comes really easy to Greg. All of the people he sees supply the information without any difficulty. He never has to rethink things and try a different angle. people are too trusting with him. He should have to do something to earn their trust. Also, the people that are following him should make life more difficult for him.
A couple of scenes seem to start a little early during introductions. These scenes could be started a little later and caught up with a line of exposition.
A lot of times the characters are very forthcoming with what they're thinking. This makes them a little on the nose. It's not like that everwhere, but in a few spots.
The Taylor/Jennifer flashback doesn't really add to the story.
P.72 I don't think the narrator is necessary to make the scene work.
Flashbacks, overall, are a bit much. After a while they seem a little redundant.
p.105 Not allowing Jennifer to see the police is questionable. Not wanting to help her seems a little out of character.
I know this is a little long and may seem negative, but it's only that way because I honestly believe the screenplay has enormous potential. Please let me know if you revise the screenplay cause I'd love to read it.
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The motor city madman says...
I see you posted a first draft. Did you know that Hemingway once stated that the first draft of anything is shit! This sir, is not shit. I liked the story, and I particularily liked the twist at the end when Nokola ends up being the antigonist. The way you tell the story is good. I also enjoyed the characters. I think you were a little vague...
The motor city madman says...
I see you posted a first draft. Did you know that Hemingway once stated that the first draft of anything is shit! This sir, is not shit. I liked the story, and I particularily liked the twist at the end when Nokola ends up being the antigonist. The way you tell the story is good. I also enjoyed the characters. I think you were a little vague with Marie, but she still stood out. Benjamin had a good character arc. He really grew during the movie--yes I said movie--coming to grips with his parents and his powers.
I saw from your production notes that you know there is a lot to work on. way too many flashbacks, in fact I don't like them at all--not just yours, all flashbacks(unless of course you're M. Nyght Shamalan). There's a lot of camera angles and perspectiv shots. You use the word we a lot. These are all taboos. Of course it says you're in film school so you're probably learning this on your own.
I did like Orsted(which is a measuring stick of magnativity) character description...unshaved, uncombed and unusual. Very funny.
There's a lot of information passed on in the descriptive that doesn't make it to the screen. The reader gets the info but the viewer will not.
p.50 the ford bros fall down. Kind of a cheap way to play it out. Make Orsted figure it out.
p.55 Is rudy's bat wonderboy? Lightning bolt, the Natural?
p.61 Asimov does't come off like the type to say sorry. Although he did sell them out. maybe. Just food for thought.
P.83 Would like to have seen the kids steal the car.
p.106 didn't finish Hal. In both description and dialogue. Shouldn't be in both.
p.108 don't need to introduce Orsted in desctiption before he talks.
p. 110 is it shame of same?
The only other critique I have is the dialogue. It's pretty good but very on the nose and minimal subtext. I read recently that subtext is where screenwriters make their money.
All in all, pretty good job. I'd do a second draft if I were you. The characters and the story are good, and that is half the battle.
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