I, Wolf
I love these kind's of stories. You know, the kind about a person or group of people trying to survive in the wilderness while not only battling the elements, but also battling something more sinister.
This was fun to read. In fact, I had to stop for a couple of hours when I got to page 53 and during those 2 hours my mind kept wandering to the story. I think that's a good thing.
It needs some work though. Below are my suggestions.
First off, I noticed maybe 4 or 5 typos but I don't generall write them down as you will most likely catch them on your own or others will point them out to you. However, on page 10, I think you mean Dave's cigarette, not Tim's.
There's too many occassions in the script where the dialog is unnecessary. From the very beginning on page 3 when the bouncer makes a comment to a patron he's throwing out, to the multiple one-liners and exclamations thrown out by Tim in the climactic scene. I would get rid of as much superfluous dialog as possible as it bogs the script down and feels very unnatural in every occassion. Also, much of the dialog just needs to be tended to. A lot of on the nose or expository moments or just plain old boring dialog. For example, on page 12 when Dave reveals why he swerved at the dead deer, is really expository. I know, it's kind of a necessary exposition, but when you just out with it right then and there, it feels like forced exposition, which is the worst kind. My advice would be to have everybody in the truck freak out like, "What the fuck are you doing?" "Why did you swerve like that!" But he doesn't answer. Then, later in the script, like when he and Bud are at the spring, you can have Bud bring it up. Like, "What the fuck was that back there on the road?" At that point Dave can explain.
Which brings me to my next concern. I just don't believe in Dave's psyche as it is currently written. In the beginning, I took it that he has been affected by the death he's seen in war, insomuch that he cannot bring himslef to kill the deer. Then later, when Bud shoots the squirrel, he gets mad and tells him he has to eat it, so that it is not a sensless kill. These two things don't fit with him stalking his brother and friend later, only with plans to fight one of them to the death. Did the pit he fell in change him that much? I wouldn't think so. If he's going to be the hunter, which is a good twist, then you need to set this up his psyche differently in the first act. Then, towards the end, he completely changes back to how he was in the beginning. As soon as Tim stabs him, he all of a sudden has a change in his psyche again that I didn't buy. I think you need to go back and figure out what you need to do to make him a more consistent character.
Lastly, the mountain lion. This makes for a fun climax, but if you insist on using it, then you have to set the mountain lion up earlier in the script. It can't just show up in the 3rd act or it feels like cheating. But why bring a moutain lion in at all? I think the climactic battle should be between Dave and Tim. Just make Dave bad (at least during the battle). This will make his pysche feel more consistent, especially if you can just fix how he acts in the first act. Make it instense like the fight with the lion. Give Tim some lucky edge in the final moment, like the rune knife, and have him prevail. Then have Dave come to his senses as the chopper is on its way. Then you can end it exactly the same. I think this will fix a lot of the problems I had with the 3rd act.
Anyway, I really had a good time reading this. Good luck on future rewrites.
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Your logline really grabbed me and I was excited to read this. I think it's a great idea for a script and could make a great movie. I must admit, I was expecting (hoping) for a drama about a man trying to make his way across a country that is hostel towards him, all the while teaching those he comes in contact with some important lessons, while learning a few himself. The...
Your logline really grabbed me and I was excited to read this. I think it's a great idea for a script and could make a great movie. I must admit, I was expecting (hoping) for a drama about a man trying to make his way across a country that is hostel towards him, all the while teaching those he comes in contact with some important lessons, while learning a few himself. The unltimate irony being that he had nothing to do with 9/11, yet he IS a hitman. That's the script I was hoping to read. But...it is not the script you wanted to write so I won't try and push you in that direction.
Below are the thoughts I had while reading the script. Hopefully they will help on your next draft.
I get that you don't want him to have a name, much like almost all the characters in this script, and I like the idea that nobody has a name in this script, but after 3 pages I was tired of reading the words "The Arab". It got really grating. Not sure if I have a suggestion here, but keep in mind this may turn readers off. One thing that will help out a lot is to go through the entire script and look at all the places where you start and action line with "The Arab...". There are a crap load. Try to rewrite as many sentences as possible with something different. There are so many scenes that he is the only person in the scene. I think you can get away with just using "He" after establishing who it is, instead of typing "The Arab" over and over.
I wonder if there shouldn't be a super at the beginning telling us what year it is. It will set the precedent. I can see the reason for not using it. It makes those first images of the twin towers give the audience and "ahhh..." moment, but I still found myself thinking that if I hadn't read your logline I wouldn't have had any idea of the year, giving the whole opening a different context.
Pages 38 & 39 really confused me. The action described is really confusing. What is with the tool box? Why is it strapped to The Arab. How big is this tool box? I just can't picture it. I was also confused by character motivation. What is this Australian doing? I know he explains later that he needed to do it for the set up, but that is one hell of a sloppy set up. What kind of hit men are these guys? And even with the explanation, why wouldn't he have just planned it out with The Arab so they're both in on it? Or did I miss something? And if it was all just an elaborite set up, why didn't The Arab go along with it. I don't know. I just didn't get this scene at all.
At this point I'm starting to question the dialog of these characters. If you take The Contractor, The Australain hit man, and The Arab hit man, none of them talk our sound how I would expect them to. They all just seem so...amateur. I don't buy for a second that this Contractor is a high ranking government official or even the head of a major corporation. He just sound like Joe Schmo. The Arab doesn't sound cold enough to be hit man. There's too much of something in his words. And the Australian doesn't sound Australian. Don't make him sound like Crocodile Dundee by any means, but they use different words over there.
Okay, after The Arab gets schooled by a dude on a motorcycle, I'm starting to see this guy as a real wimp. He even apologizes as the biker drives off. Is this guy a cold killer or a wimp? And even if he has compassion, that's fine, but he should be able to take out a biker, what with all his training. I just didn't buy this scene at all, and it totally changed my opinion of this character (not to mention that later when he takes on a whole van of business men I found myself thinking that his character has flip flopped again). You need to ask yourself, is this guy a tough bad ass or a wimp and then stick with that. That's not to say he can't have compassion and a conscious. But he still needs to be consistent, at least until he has an arc (which I'll get to later).
I saw multiple moment of unnecessary dialog. I only took note of one instance though. In the dream sequence, when his car goes over the cliff, you have him yell "Please no". This just comes across as awkward. Not sure I can see someone yelling that as they plummet to their death. Just write something in your action lines like "He screams out as the car plummets toward the water." There were other instances where someone screamed something and it was in a dialog block. I just put that stuff in the action lines. Let the actor figure out how he wants to do it.
What's with the fishing line? It never comes into play unless you included the scene with the overturned semi truck. But I really didn't see how it came into play here either. This may be another instance of me being confused like on pages 38 & 39, but was he holding her up with fishing line? Cause if so, it's just not possible. Even the heaviest of that stuff is only rated at so many pounds, which is not enought to hold up a fully grown girl. They actually use heavy cable for deep sea fishing, which is for fish over 60 lbs. or so. Maybe I misunderstood and he's not holding her up with the fishing line. If that's the case, I still can't figure out why it plays a part in this story at all.
One thing you do great in this story is keep the action going. It never lets up for too long. Since you decided to go the action route with this script, that's a good thing. But the set pieces aren't very new or interesting. I did kind of like the overturned semi, but it was concfusing because we only see it from the inside of the truck until the last second. I suggest going back to that scene and giving more description once we leave the inside of the truck. Describe what we see in as vivid detail as possible, cause I had a hard time picturing it. Plus, what happened to the truck in the first place? I like that we the audience experience everything from the inside of the truck with the characters. That was cool. But before the truck crashes, maybe we should see what causes it. The rest of the set pieces should be given more consideration. Show us something new and incredible with the action in this script. Just go for it.
Pg 74. "One car among many drives down the interstate." Huh? That's the same as saying "Many cars drive down the interstate." Not sure what you were trying to convey here.
This exposition on pages 85 & 86 needs to go. I'd rather not even know who this guy is or where he comes from than have to experience exposition like this in a movie. It's just too painfully obvious. He's telling this lady to tell the audience, even though there's in no reason whatsoever for him to tell her. If you absolutely feel you have to deliver this exposition, have her ask him questions as they drive. Because as it stands, he just blurts it out to her. I just didn't buy it for a second.
Those are my notes. Overall, I had a hard time with the premise. I just didn't get who these agents were or who the contractor was and what the stakes were for any of these people. Or what the point to any of it was really. And then to hinge it all on one guy, who happened to know who one other guy was. It all seemed really contrived.
I wish you the best of luck with it. As I said, the premise had me really excited to read this. It's a great idea. The execution just needs some work. Happy writing.
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Angelic is a unique premise with an even more unique execution. I had many, many questions while reading it and they were all answered by the end. But because all of them were answered in the last 10 pages, I never felt like I was watching (or reading) a mystery unfold. Instead, I found myself constantly asking questions, only to have all the answers thrown at me in the...
Angelic is a unique premise with an even more unique execution. I had many, many questions while reading it and they were all answered by the end. But because all of them were answered in the last 10 pages, I never felt like I was watching (or reading) a mystery unfold. Instead, I found myself constantly asking questions, only to have all the answers thrown at me in the final 10 pages.
For some reason, as I read this script, I kept thinking of it as more of a story about angels and their roles on earth. Which I find fascinating as a script idea. Instead, it is more of a psychological thriller. Nothing wrong with that at all, but I feel like the audience is led to believe too much that Raphael is sane. I just think the script needs more instances where the audience really questions his sanity. I never felt myself questioning it until those final 10 pages. As it is written, I kept waiting for the final reveal to be about the angels. You might say that this way is less predictable, and that’s true, but it also felt unnatural. To me anyway.
There were also some things that didn’t add up for me. Why wouldn’t he have sex with his wife? Is it because he thought he was an angle? Why would having sex with her hurt her if he was an angle? But, more importantly, he knew that when he took his meds, his visions went away. Early in the script, he knew he was just sick and that he needed to take his meds. So why not have sex with his wife? Because he refused to have sex with her and because he was always bringing home more and more dogs, I actually kind of felt bad for his wife. I didn’t blame her for having an affair. Because of this, she doesn’t really across the way intended. Why not make her a sympathetic character? She can still have an affair and all that, but she would be a much more interesting character if the audience sympathized with her.
There were many moments when people said something I just didn’t think they would say. I’m trying to think of an example now and the best one I can remember is when the fire fighter says that they think his house burned down due to arson. The way that scene plays out, I just can’t see a fire fighter saying that to the owner. Plus, it never comes up again, so what’s the point? I would just make it quick and simple. Raphael says, “What happened here?” The fire fighter looks at him, “House burned down.” Then walks away. There were many other times like this one when what people said just seemed unnatural to me.
Overall, I think if you went back and blurred the line between sanity and insanity a little better, made his wife more sympathetic, and worked out some of the unnatural dialog, this would be a really solid script.
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You have a nice biopic here and I enjoyed reading the story of Angela Hernandez. I tried searching her on Wikipedia and couldn't find anything, which, in my opinion, makes it an even more important story to tell. A story that most people have never heard of, myself included.
As a writer, you have a very impressive visual style. I was able to picture almost every shot in...
You have a nice biopic here and I enjoyed reading the story of Angela Hernandez. I tried searching her on Wikipedia and couldn't find anything, which, in my opinion, makes it an even more important story to tell. A story that most people have never heard of, myself included.
As a writer, you have a very impressive visual style. I was able to picture almost every shot in my head as the story unfolded. This is a rare trait for spec screenplays and it's inspired me to write more visually.
I think you have a pretty solid piece here, but I did have some reservations while reading it. Below are my notes.
You refer to Angela's brothers and sisters, but never say how many there are, including how many sister and how many brothers. Also, you never give their ages. Even when Pepe has a scene with her in kitchen we are not given any details about him. I assume he is significantly older because he is drinking beer, but it is also Spain in the 60's, so maybe he is only 14 years old and this is acceptable. Whatever the case may be, I think it's an important detail. Later in the story, they all leave her and tell her they have their own families to care for, so I assume they are all significantly older than her. These are important details that I think need to be addressed.
Do they eat tamales in Spain? I thought tamales were Mexican. Not that I know. Just wondering.
Pg. 16 - Just have Antonio's dialog end with "It's your mother..." This is a much more dramatic way to cut to the funeral and less on the nose. As soon as he says those words, the audience will assume the worst. When you cut to the funeral, their suspisions will be confirmed.
Pg. 22 - You have two seperate dialog blocks coming from Angela with no description or other dialog between them. Why not just combine them or put some action inbetween? (same thing on page 74).
A lot of the dialog feels forced and/or rushed to me. I didn't take note of specific examples, but a round table reading or TS skype reading should help with this problem. Otherwise, just reading all of the dialog out loud should do the trick.
What happened in Angela's life between 11-19? I appreciate that the script comes in under 120 pages, but at the same time wonder if a biopic like this should be under 2 hours. There's too much important information to give to come up short on length. This goes for when she receives her bull fighting license. It was too quick and convenient. You have an opportunity for drama here. Show the struggle she went through to get the license. It doesn't have to be the real struggle. A metaphorical one would be more interesting. Something that happens to her in her life during the time she is fighting with her attorney to get the license. Too much of the story feels rushed. You have pages to work with here. Another example would be the montage on page 87 of her injuries. One moment the presidente is saying that she will be injured and the next moment we get a montage of her injuries. The execution here felt forced an rushed. I would consider adding more depth to this part of the story and ditch the montage. Once again focus on her life and develop a parallel story line to fit with the theme of her injuries. She has to be broken down emotionally as well as physically for the audience to truly empathize.
Small note: You never introduce El Cordobes as Manolo, but he is referred to as such in dialog. This confused me on a few occasions.
Lastly, during many of the bull fights there are conversations taking place between Angela and others. I wasn't able to picture this. We need a more in depth description of the arena. Page 104 is a good example. Angela is having a conversation with Paquito and El Cordobes. As far as I can tell there's still a bull in the ring. What is it doing while she talks with them? Aren't these arena's huge? How is she in the middle of it, yet still talking with people who are obviously not in the middle of the arena with her? If the arena is actually quite small, then we need a better description of the layout.
Lastly, you open the film with Angela in her 40's (great opening by the way) getting impaled in the leg by a bull. Then we never go back to that. It's like you have a bookend opening but not a bookend closing. In order for bookends to work, you have to have one on each end or the books topple over. You must find a way to bring us back to that moment.
Those are my notes. An otherwise engaging read. Good luck with it!
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