I love these kind's of stories. You know, the kind about a person or group of people trying to survive in the wilderness while not only battling the elements, but also battling something more sinister.
This was fun to read. In fact, I had to stop for a couple of hours when I got to page 53 and during those 2 hours my mind kept wandering to the story. I think that's a good thing.
It needs some work though. Below are my suggestions.
First off, I noticed maybe 4 or 5 typos but I don't generall write them down as you will most likely catch them on your own or others will point them out to you. However, on page 10, I think you mean Dave's cigarette, not Tim's.
There's too many occassions in the script where the dialog is unnecessary. From the very beginning on page 3 when the bouncer makes a comment to a patron he's throwing out, to the multiple one-liners and exclamations thrown out by Tim in the climactic scene. I would get rid of as much superfluous dialog as possible as it bogs the script down and feels very unnatural in every occassion. Also, much of the dialog just needs to be tended to. A lot of on the nose or expository moments or just plain old boring dialog. For example, on page 12 when Dave reveals why he swerved at the dead deer, is really expository. I know, it's kind of a necessary exposition, but when you just out with it right then and there, it feels like forced exposition, which is the worst kind. My advice would be to have everybody in the truck freak out like, "What the fuck are you doing?" "Why did you swerve like that!" But he doesn't answer. Then, later in the script, like when he and Bud are at the spring, you can have Bud bring it up. Like, "What the fuck was that back there on the road?" At that point Dave can explain.
Which brings me to my next concern. I just don't believe in Dave's psyche as it is currently written. In the beginning, I took it that he has been affected by the death he's seen in war, insomuch that he cannot bring himslef to kill the deer. Then later, when Bud shoots the squirrel, he gets mad and tells him he has to eat it, so that it is not a sensless kill. These two things don't fit with him stalking his brother and friend later, only with plans to fight one of them to the death. Did the pit he fell in change him that much? I wouldn't think so. If he's going to be the hunter, which is a good twist, then you need to set this up his psyche differently in the first act. Then, towards the end, he completely changes back to how he was in the beginning. As soon as Tim stabs him, he all of a sudden has a change in his psyche again that I didn't buy. I think you need to go back and figure out what you need to do to make him a more consistent character.
Lastly, the mountain lion. This makes for a fun climax, but if you insist on using it, then you have to set the mountain lion up earlier in the script. It can't just show up in the 3rd act or it feels like cheating. But why bring a moutain lion in at all? I think the climactic battle should be between Dave and Tim. Just make Dave bad (at least during the battle). This will make his pysche feel more consistent, especially if you can just fix how he acts in the first act. Make it instense like the fight with the lion. Give Tim some lucky edge in the final moment, like the rune knife, and have him prevail. Then have Dave come to his senses as the chopper is on its way. Then you can end it exactly the same. I think this will fix a lot of the problems I had with the 3rd act.
Anyway, I really had a good time reading this. Good luck on future rewrites.
Review of: Of Wolf and Man
reviewed by Podger on 03/24/2009
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