Review of: Growing Up 

reviewed by LBarbarell on 06/27/2011
Credited Review
LBarbarell
I'm Afraid I'm at a Loss on this One Credited Review
I must confess I had no idea what the flashbacks were about. I'm not even sure they were flashbacks, since they were written in present tense, while the present-day stuff was written in past tense. Backwards? I'm not sure.

The bottom line is that I wasn't able to follow the story. Sorry.

In addition to lack of clarity in the story, the storytelling is somewhat disjointed, as discussed in the following page notes.

P.2: The first paragraph doesn't flow as well as it should. We don't know that the guy walking down the driveway is Scott; we have to figure it out. Might be better to say, “Scott, the shop's owner, was walking...” instead of splitting the occupation and name over two somewhat unrelated sentences. The paragraph itself bounces from backstory (the burdens of being an older brother, etc.) to physical description (looked like an athlete, etc.) and back to backstory (resuming discussion of brotherly burdens, etc.). It might be clearer if you started with physical description first , then flowed smoothly into backstory.


P 2: In paragraph 2, the POV shifts from Scott to Brian. It's confusing; when you say “his grandfather,” we're not sure if you mean Scott or Brian's grandfather until we stop to figure it out.

P. 4: First line: Who is Kenny?

P. 6: Brian's statement is separated from Scott's response by half a page of flashback. So, by the time Scott says, “I remember,” we have no idea what he remembers.



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