Review of: First Do No Harm 

reviewed by djslik on 05/16/2011
Credited Review
djslik
In harm's way. Credited Review
This certainly is a good thriller that examines the innocence of a man whose impeccable past cannot stand up to the accusations of bearing child pornography photos. His family, friends and job are lost in the process. I couldnít help but draw comparisons to The Fugitive here and there.

People have been knocking me over the head regarding action descriptions and character descriptions. While I donít mind a little superfluous bit of into about a character. You have them even for characters that donít feature and I wondered whatís the point, no one is going to care that Briggs couldnít resist to go on a vacation. Iíve been told that characters descriptions should be limited to build and features and the rest should be left to readers and actors to discover. There are a few cluttered paragraphs here and there with far too much description. They had tike 6 to seven line worth of information. While you do a good job of writing them and describing the scene they could do with some reduction.

Many characters in the screenplay, the main characters were pretty well fleshed out. Very distinct in voice and goals. I thought it was strange that Jack didnít try and disguise himself or anything. His on every news channel. Heís trying to clear his name and avoid detection, thatís the first thing most people would do. When I saw Nagpoli, I just thought hereís someone whoís just waiting to be showed up by Jack, itís very obvious. It would have been better not to see him so careless but just someone whoís trying but failing only by the magnitude of the task rather than deliberate. It took him a while to recognize Jack, it seemed strange that he only managed that when he confronted. His should have at least been suspicious of Jack prior and it seemed so sudden. The other characters were well done.

Itís a great setup, you paint the Jackís life really well. The first 30 pages I was rapt and really into but for some reason the second act just didnít do it for me. It just seemed like it wasnít going anywhere. We learn very little about the case himself and weíre still seeing what a sterling man Jack is which is not a bad thing because we feel for him and I felt for him by the time he was picked up because itís obvious his innocent. Thereís a scene where he continues the computer hacker and that comes to nothing. I realize that you want to show us that his trying but things like this need to come to something otherwise why have it. He mentions to stark later that heís tried everything but bears no fruit. It was a good ploy to team Stark and Jack together. The last act was drawn out. I suppose you wanted to end it where it began but it would have been better to see it end at Jackís home. When they find out Nora is the perpetrator, they race to save his family. You can build up the tension at home then. The kids are playing, Nora nd Maggie are having coffee, getting along. Maggieís phone rings but she doesnít hear it. Everything can proceed as is. She stalks the family in their home. We fear for all three of them instead of just the kids. We know the kids are not going to die at the cabin anyway and Maggieís in hospital, so sheís safe. Weíre just waiting for Nora to get whatís coming to her.

In my opinion Noraís motivation for framing Jack didnít justify her actions. This didnít make Jack special at all. It just made him a statistic, one of many others. I was expecting something clandestine at work. I figured it was Nora when they were at the park. I thought sheís just way to helpful. In my opinion it needed to be more sinister.

Your structure is on the dot. Things happen when they should but the events didnít grab but that is my own fault because I was expecting quite a bit considering the setup, by pg 30 Jack was in the mire, I wanted to jump in your SP and help the poor guy.

You drew attention to how the press scandalize and sensationalize everything but I found the use of Maggie in her scanty robe over the top. This case involves pedophilia and Maggie would be considered a victim. Jack should be the focus, heís picture doesnít appear in the first few broadcasts.

Please donít get me wrong, I really did enjoy reading this, what I have up here are only my observation and thoughts, nothing more. Your writing is top notch. I hope you find this review helpful. Thanks for the read. Best of luck

Some typoís

Pg 3 Pediatics - pediatrics

Pg 55. You donít care about to your patients. Remove the ďtoĒ

Pg 79. going to on a fun - going to ďgoĒ on a fun trip.

Other Reviews by djslik 49

  • A review of Brothers of Stone
    by djslik on 05/15/2011
    Packed with both action and conflict, this offers revenge, survival and love all on the same plate. I think you have lots of interesting material here but the dialogue is way off for the period. I have some notes. Pg 1 While you have good descriptions for your characters, they are too descriptive. Best to depict your characters demeanor through his actions and his dialogue... read
  • by djslik on 05/11/2011
    A captivating SP that leads you on a journey through an imaginative world where literary works hold the true lives of their former readers. This is an original and piece of work with an engaging premise that reels you in. Well done as all the aspects. I do however have some notes and suggestions. Personally I donít think the Narration is wise choice in the beginning. Basically... read
  • A review of Getaway Inc
    by djslik on 05/08/2011
    I found this an interesting read in portions but some it was boring and found myself wondering when is this going to get to the point. While your writing is clear and crisp and when you build tension, you do it well but this lacks intensity and gets slowed down with unnecessary scenes. I have some questions and notes I found the driving course scene and your setup to... read
+ more reviews