In harm's way.
This certainly is a good thriller that examines the innocence of a man whose impeccable past cannot stand up to the accusations of bearing child pornography photos. His family, friends and job are lost in the process. I couldn’t help but draw comparisons to The Fugitive here and there.
People have been knocking me over the head regarding action descriptions and character descriptions. While I don’t mind a little superfluous bit of into about a character. You have them even for characters that don’t feature and I wondered what’s the point, no one is going to care that Briggs couldn’t resist to go on a vacation. I’ve been told that characters descriptions should be limited to build and features and the rest should be left to readers and actors to discover. There are a few cluttered paragraphs here and there with far too much description. They had tike 6 to seven line worth of information. While you do a good job of writing them and describing the scene they could do with some reduction.
Many characters in the screenplay, the main characters were pretty well fleshed out. Very distinct in voice and goals. I thought it was strange that Jack didn’t try and disguise himself or anything. His on every news channel. He’s trying to clear his name and avoid detection, that’s the first thing most people would do. When I saw Nagpoli, I just thought here’s someone who’s just waiting to be showed up by Jack, it’s very obvious. It would have been better not to see him so careless but just someone who’s trying but failing only by the magnitude of the task rather than deliberate. It took him a while to recognize Jack, it seemed strange that he only managed that when he confronted. His should have at least been suspicious of Jack prior and it seemed so sudden. The other characters were well done.
It’s a great setup, you paint the Jack’s life really well. The first 30 pages I was rapt and really into but for some reason the second act just didn’t do it for me. It just seemed like it wasn’t going anywhere. We learn very little about the case himself and we’re still seeing what a sterling man Jack is which is not a bad thing because we feel for him and I felt for him by the time he was picked up because it’s obvious his innocent. There’s a scene where he continues the computer hacker and that comes to nothing. I realize that you want to show us that his trying but things like this need to come to something otherwise why have it. He mentions to stark later that he’s tried everything but bears no fruit. It was a good ploy to team Stark and Jack together. The last act was drawn out. I suppose you wanted to end it where it began but it would have been better to see it end at Jack’s home. When they find out Nora is the perpetrator, they race to save his family. You can build up the tension at home then. The kids are playing, Nora nd Maggie are having coffee, getting along. Maggie’s phone rings but she doesn’t hear it. Everything can proceed as is. She stalks the family in their home. We fear for all three of them instead of just the kids. We know the kids are not going to die at the cabin anyway and Maggie’s in hospital, so she’s safe. We’re just waiting for Nora to get what’s coming to her.
In my opinion Nora’s motivation for framing Jack didn’t justify her actions. This didn’t make Jack special at all. It just made him a statistic, one of many others. I was expecting something clandestine at work. I figured it was Nora when they were at the park. I thought she’s just way to helpful. In my opinion it needed to be more sinister.
Your structure is on the dot. Things happen when they should but the events didn’t grab but that is my own fault because I was expecting quite a bit considering the setup, by pg 30 Jack was in the mire, I wanted to jump in your SP and help the poor guy.
You drew attention to how the press scandalize and sensationalize everything but I found the use of Maggie in her scanty robe over the top. This case involves pedophilia and Maggie would be considered a victim. Jack should be the focus, he’s picture doesn’t appear in the first few broadcasts.
Please don’t get me wrong, I really did enjoy reading this, what I have up here are only my observation and thoughts, nothing more. Your writing is top notch. I hope you find this review helpful. Thanks for the read. Best of luck
Some typo’s
Pg 3 Pediatics - pediatrics
Pg 55. You don’t care about to your patients. Remove the “to”
Pg 79. going to on a fun - going to “go” on a fun trip.
Other Reviews by djslik
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Packed with both action and conflict, this offers revenge, survival and love all on the same plate. I think you have lots of interesting material here but the dialogue is way off for the period. I have some notes.
Pg 1 While you have good descriptions for your characters, they are too descriptive. Best to depict your characters demeanor through his actions and his dialogue...
Packed with both action and conflict, this offers revenge, survival and love all on the same plate. I think you have lots of interesting material here but the dialogue is way off for the period. I have some notes.
Pg 1 While you have good descriptions for your characters, they are too descriptive. Best to depict your characters demeanor through his actions and his dialogue and limit character descriptions to features and build. Certain things don’t belong in you descriptions as we will not be able to see this on screen like telling us Garth is the last of his tribe, best to tell us in dialogue.
Pg 2 These are cave dwellers. I don’t think the word Bastard would have been used in that era.
Pg 3. You introduce Rock and being mild mannered which is a person who is easy-going, this behavior is contrary to his description. In my opinion it seems contradictory to have someone as mild-mannered and authoritative.
I don’t follow here, why is Rock being so demanding, they’ve captured two mastodons and he wants them to go on another hunt. These things weigh in the region of 8 tons.
Pg 6 & 11 Just a observation Garth mentions Enchandra is good with a bow and she does not use it when they hunt the mastodons and the caribou and this is the reason why they keep her in the hunting pack, she should show her prowess with the bow, prove to all them she is worthy. When Whartok is ridden away by the caribou she should use her bow to stop the animal.
Pg 12 Dialogue between Rock and Whartok not relevant to the time, callous would not have been used it that time.
Pg 24 Why did the bear urinate in her face? Do they mark territory like that? Why did the bears not attack her?
Haygorth is dead. He was able to escape from the cave and ran past Peelar. Where did he run too.? I think you need to show the bears killing Haygorth as this scene is not clear because as it is written now it seems he managed to escape.
Pg 86. When did Rock pull out the knife? Thernar mentions he has the knife in his hands. There is no mention of Rock picking the knife up.
Pg 90. Kearra: See there, Rock! I told you it would work! This seems an inappropriate time to show someone your boomerang works. Rock is fleeing for his life, I doubt he has time to notice or look back.
Onto characters, Rock as I have mentioned before for the first part came across as contrary to your descriptions. You did not come across as mild mannered at all but authoritative as you mentioned and sensible considering how he considered Peelar and the cave dwellers. Refrain from using these descriptions for your characters and stick to just build and maybe other features. Let us discover the characters for ourselves. Thernar was built towards being the villain as his lust for power and disregard for the people festered. Enchandra the jilted lover, who’s love for Rock is unreciprocated grows bitter as a result. I would have liked to see this triangle reveal earlier as it’s only made clear later that Enchandra was in love with him. All your characters have a distinct voice and stand clear as to who they are but for most part there seems to be so many characters and at times can be hard to follow as to what is happening to who. You lay emphasis on characters who do not play big roles which is not exactly bad but should be avoided so al to let the leads stand out more.
Formatting needs some work. You have quite a few line of action that will not translate to action. This rule everyone is going to mention to you. Only what is pertinent to your story should be placed in your screenplay. Like when the cave dwellers are called to the alcove, you mention it in the action line and dialogue. If there is something that you cannot display in action than do it in dialogue as you have done that so need for redundant descriptions. You have many of these lines best to avoid them.
Dialogue is the biggest issue here. The characters are very articulate for their time but that is a credit to you but it does not lend authenticity to your screenplay. For lack of a batter word it needs to be simplified for the period. Most of it will need to be re-written.
The plot regarding Thernar framing Rock for Helios’ murder had been done too many times before. I would rather try and avoid that, have Helios die of natural causes and have the two brother fight for power and control over the people. You can have the tribunal in another form.
You synopsis gives the whole story away. Cut it down. We only need to read that and not your screenplay to find out what happens. Nothing is left for surprise of to the imagination. Just right the crux of your story not everything. It spoils everything for us.
The groundwork has been laid and this and cleaning out the clever dialogue and certain modern explanations used will help you. Avoid any profanity. You have many aspects that keep you interested and reading along. You’ll need to do some research on the time and find out what is appropriate for things in that time. Thanks for the read. Best of luck.
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A captivating SP that leads you on a journey through an imaginative world where literary works hold the true lives of their former readers. This is an original and piece of work with an engaging premise that reels you in. Well done as all the aspects. I do however have some notes and suggestions.
Personally I don’t think the Narration is wise choice in the beginning. Basically...
A captivating SP that leads you on a journey through an imaginative world where literary works hold the true lives of their former readers. This is an original and piece of work with an engaging premise that reels you in. Well done as all the aspects. I do however have some notes and suggestions.
Personally I don’t think the Narration is wise choice in the beginning. Basically we know the bookshop has a dark secret and the ending starts with a new beginning. These things are best left for self discovery. We already know what to expect and there is no surprise. Let us discover the secret and the ending without any hints and it will have a bigger impact. AS it stand I was already expecting a twist and it ruins the wonder.
Since the focal point of your story is based on books and the act of reading, this is an extremely inert action. To watch someone reading is well not going to sustain a viewer’s interest for too long. Please don’t get me wrong this is a great story and you build the mystery well in the beginning considering Alfie’s destiny and his unveiled talent. The books need to come alive somehow. When you mention the words begin to swirl, this really engrossed me, I thought here we go but that was it. The lives that he reads about, they need to be somehow shown to us, instead of read to us, they must come alive. Thrust us into the book through Alfie. The thing is when we read a SP, it’s totally different when it is actualized on screen. When you read, it’s an interpretive medium which is limited to the reader’s imagination and then turns to a visual medium on film. Having said that, the script is very dialogue heavy and shows very little action. This is considered to be expository and filmmakers want more action and just enough dialogue, no cliché rings more true than action speaks louder than words.
There are a few paragraphs which are exceedingly descriptive and make for dense reading. You have a remarkable talent to draw a reader in but some paragraphs need to be less descriptive as long paragraphs and descriptions take you out of the story and slow down the pace. Also you have these subtle descriptions which will not translate to screen, as in thoughts and certain cues which only make for excess reading. It will need to be trimmed away.
Good cast of characters here. Johnny seemed unnecessary to be honest for someone that melded into the background and we don’t see him at all besides the recollections. I think you should have a look at the accident and depict it in a different way. I liked Alfie, but he needs to be more pronounced and be more self believing, I like the fact that he takes charge but when he needs to save himself he’s lost total belief. He should believe in himself, start reading, want to free himself from the spell and midway feel hopeless and then have Sophie drag him out. Sophie is a fantastic character, really liked her.
A few scenes are repetitive especially the scenes of the monk. The way you do the first recollection is good but golden rule is not to repeat something that you have already established, it will serve you better to establish something new or drive the plot forward faster. There are too many stories required to explain the crux of the story, you have Daphne’s and the book on the monk. You don’t want viewers to get bogged down with lengthy explanations on how things work and have two stories explain one thing and it can come across as complex for some. The thing is we can go back and read whereas the movie you only get one chance and if a viewer missed it, then they’re lost. It needs to be simplified.
I noticed in your genre you have family down. I couldn’t help but notice certain action may cause a stir amongst parents and children. Firstly Brendan, suicide attempt as he plunges into the abyss of the library. At first I wasn’t sure, I had to read it again. This might scare some. Then Hamilton’s attempt to cover drive Alfie’s head off. Rather have him push him out of the way or something. A cricket bat seemed drastic.
Pg 41. ALFIE I just did tell you shouldn’t it be I just told you.
About the accident. I’m confused a bit, Johnny was driving, he notices Frank and Tom through the broken windows from across the street. You mention that Frank was in the passenger seat than how did he think that the accident was his fault? Did Johnny put him in the driver’s seat? Did Frank fly out of the car? As it is, can’t see how Johnny blamed Frank. What becomes of Sophie, there was no conclusion on her.
Overall, you’ve done a great job. With some polishing this can be a great script that would be hard to turn away. You’re definitely onto something here. You have talent no doubt. I look forward to hearing more from this SP. Hope you find this review constructive. Thanks for the read. Best of luck.
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An interesting story indeed about a confrontational young city boy trying to gain a foothold and perspective in life, in a small country town . It was a breeze to read and rife with conflict and tension. There’s a lot of fires in this town, no wonder they call it Ashland.
Your descriptions and action are well written. I found you have little quips throughout your script...
An interesting story indeed about a confrontational young city boy trying to gain a foothold and perspective in life, in a small country town . It was a breeze to read and rife with conflict and tension. There’s a lot of fires in this town, no wonder they call it Ashland.
Your descriptions and action are well written. I found you have little quips throughout your script. This is information that you can do without. It’s been drummed into my head to write only what is pertinent to your story and only what can be filmed and anything else is superfluous things like (Now he doesn’t mind boasting a little. having survived a harrowing experience, Keith makes the automatic promise. And here’s the face-off -- too tired to be a smart-ass.). You have some of them before dialogue and some after describing the action and for both dialogue and action the quips are either redundant or not filmable. While I really don’t mind them as I myself have done this but I’ve been told Hollywood Execs do not like to read more than they have too, so be careful.
Flashbacks are tricky. Use them only when you want to establish something we do not know. In your case you have ones that establish things we already now. When Maddie cuts herself and she goes to Keith for the bandaging, it’s a scene laced with sexual tension and romance and then a flashback takes is to a gruesome accident. We’ve been taken out of a romantic event and forced to focus on something that would cause a grimace rather a warm smile and then we’re thrust back but we’re out of the moment as we still have the accident etched in our minds. Leave it out, when she asks him can you handle this, have him answer coyly I think so, as you have it.
As I began reading this looked to me to be a movie based on a young man making his way through college and the experiences it offers and he shows great promise in his philosophy class. I thought this was going to be the focal point but then it moves on to a full on fire fighting movie. The college seems to be peripheral and his firemen career takes center stage and he’s called into serious duty around pg 50. The focus starts in one place and shift to another and in my opinion it happens to late and so does the romance with Maddie where things kick into gear on pg 93. Things happen too late. There’s too much emphasis on the fire fighting. Their relationship should blossom around midway. They’re getting hot and heavy and their more tension as a result because we wonder when is this going to boil over when is Jason and Paul find out and when they do what’s going to happen. THe focus of the story jumps around and a choice needs to be made. What would be good would be to see Keith trying to Juggle both the fire and college. There’s too little college.
When Jason huffs away after Keith i was wondering if he knew who he was after because Paul mentions “tell him about your college boy” He doesn’t mention Keith’s name. Who is Jason going to beat up, I realize it’s not important since Jason dies and problem solved which is lucky for Maddie. Keith and Jason’s path need to cross that’s why the romance needs to happen sooner and Paul knows but struggles to bite his tongue and keep it to himself.
Character wise, they are all well fleshed out especially Keith. He’s dialogue and actions tell us a lot about him but he’s history is very vague as in we don’t really know what drove him to this behavior besides the little info he gives here and there, he’s a bit of a mystery that way. You highlight his past with certain acts and by doing so you create intrigue but it comes to nothing because we don’t get answers to it. Why is he so confrontational? I peek into his prior life would help us understand him better. Maddie was good, would like to see more of her home life though and what kind of a man Jason was. Mickey was a nice touch, the welcome wagon all by himself and well looked like a very very affable guy, good job on that point but damn you for killing him, lol.
I enjoyed the dialogue especially Keith’s cocky comments and the interactions with Maddie. Well done on that point, some sharp one-liners, lots to like about that so no need to harp anymore on that point. You’re good with creating conflict through dialogue and the subtlety through which Maddie and Keith interact later as their romance built was well done. Kudos.
This script needs to be shortened and there might be just too much conflict. Toby and Keith’s altercation is left unanswered. Keith saves his life and Toby offers an indirect apology and Keith doesn’t acknowledge it and does the same when Paul offers his. I wondered throughout are they going to meet again and they don’t so you started something and left it hanging and then felt like you had to resolve it and used the hypothermia as a way but it left hanging with Keith’s non response. Your synopsis mentions Keith is put on a path to contentment and I did not see it in fact it seemed like he antagonized most of the situations. It mislead me.
Too finish, well done. You write well and your skill at writing made this very easy to read and follow. This does need some tweaking and with that can be a very interesting and appealing SP. I hope you find this review helpful. Thanks for the read. Best of luck
Pg 11 Awat should be away.
Pg 21. I don’t think the flashback is necessary. Rather have him say it, tell Jack about what he saw.
Pg 32 Then flinches when yell, you forgot “she” yells.
Pg 66 jack should be capitalized
Pg 89. Why would you wanna to stay here? Remove the “to”
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