In The Dark On Dark Places in the Sunshine
I really like the impact your title conveys, it's great! When someone has an unrequited love everywhere they go is dark in a certain sense from the pain of longing, so I think you captured that very well.
I got a little confused though when the girl was in a canopy or tent with another guy, I didn't know if that was a work thing or a date? And then when the other guy leaped at her, I was lost as to why the stalker ex-boyfriend did not jump in and save her? But then I thought, maybe the new guy was just making a motion towards her to actually hug or kiss her, and in the mind of the stalker it was negative so he perceived it as threatening and in a sick way convincing himself she needs him to continue to watch over her?
Then with the twist where the girl stabs her new boyfriend, but then it is like she killed her old boyfriend - was this a metaphor to show that she had a realization that she "killed the guy emotionally who she broke up with?" I'd really like to hear your explanation of what you were doing with this film, because it is visually very intriguing, and I am so curious to know if I am on the right tract with my interpretation, or way off?
Your short film positively made me think, and again, I really feel you captured the pain well!
Other Reviews by kikibird hinlo
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Your description was a tautology within itself - ego and arrogance - that represented the young famous writer and the old obscure writer. I found this short story to be perfectly crafted!
I hope that I have the ending figured out: both stormed off out of the pub because the old man realized he was the better writer and deserved the young man's fame and publishing, and the...
Your description was a tautology within itself - ego and arrogance - that represented the young famous writer and the old obscure writer. I found this short story to be perfectly crafted!
I hope that I have the ending figured out: both stormed off out of the pub because the old man realized he was the better writer and deserved the young man's fame and publishing, and the young man realized he was not so deserving; or perhaps both stories were so similar that they were both angry at "the masses" for thrusting the boy into the limelight and the old man held in obscurity?
I really appreciate your wonderful vocabulary throughout this story. Your portrayal of genius being the common thread that held these two men together was great! This was revealed throughout the dialogue, as well as the outstanding description of how they sat face to face at the table - like men in a painting, and the viewpoint each would have if he were accessing his own reflection.
I enjoyed "the Bacchus of Beethoven," that was great!
Your ideas are phenomenal! I thought it was brilliant how you captured the fear of failure from two very different vantage points.
I give you high marks for everything here from characters, to descriptions, to dialogue, to evoking feelings, to style!
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This story is really something! I could not stop reading it! You created superb suspense, and offered originality telling the story from the point of view of a dead murder victim with successive flashbacks.
I enjoyed the diverse range of characters you created and all the detail you gave that made them all very vivid. You handled the voices of male and female characters...
This story is really something! I could not stop reading it! You created superb suspense, and offered originality telling the story from the point of view of a dead murder victim with successive flashbacks.
I enjoyed the diverse range of characters you created and all the detail you gave that made them all very vivid. You handled the voices of male and female characters very well. I even thought the contrast with Fanny being so colorfully different but attracted to a subdued, charming, mysterious guy who lived in black and white decor to be a great way to show how we do not understand sometimes what attracts us to mates. More importantly, the continual gut feeling that Fanny had about something not being quite right was great, too! Many times a voice tells us about something, and your story shouts that we better not ignore that voice!
One would think in the wake of the son/brother, Donny, dying that the parents would not have tolerated unanswered phone calls and would have gone over to Fanny's apartment without delay, but it shows the distance that relationships sometimes can have, so from that consideration it's believable.
The only suggestions I have are small ones, like proofing a little more carefully, and then the sentence in the last paragraph of page one needs revisions - it is a bit of a run on. Use the double space format Trigger Street requires, too. But other than that, your writing was powerful, creative, and spell binding! Excellent story! (Even though I was hoping at the end maybe Fanny was just having a nightmare and she would wake up okay!)
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I may be biased from the start of this review, but I adore mythology, so getting this story in my assignment queue was a treat!
For those who do not know, Demeter was a consort of Zeus, and their offspring was Persephone. Demeter was the goddess of fertility and crops. Her daughter, Persephone, was abducted by Hades and taken to live in the underworld. Zeus sent Hermes...
I may be biased from the start of this review, but I adore mythology, so getting this story in my assignment queue was a treat!
For those who do not know, Demeter was a consort of Zeus, and their offspring was Persephone. Demeter was the goddess of fertility and crops. Her daughter, Persephone, was abducted by Hades and taken to live in the underworld. Zeus sent Hermes to rescue her, but since she ate pomegranate seeds, she couldn't leave. Now, that said....
I saw two extremely enchanting and impressive things going on here! First, you have taken this wonderful Greek mythology story and transplanted it to start in the 1960's, with Demeter being the youthful goddess leaving Greek for Europe. The second thing - tracing the hopes and dreams a young person has, along with the worries parents have - through Demeter, then her daughter Persephone, and then the granddaughter Elpida, turns this into a human interest story about relationships, love, and family that integrates well into a story people of today can relate to.
You used the story from mythology as a great framework to build your story on, I just loved that structure! You stayed true to the real story, but yet made it real for modern times, which I thought was brilliant!
I also like the way you moved time along, a change in paragraph often marked a change in season or age in life for your characters, and that mixed well with the "change in season" theme that comes with Demeter. Also, the change in seasons to reflect the moods is a great metaphor for how parents feel when a child leaves home, or marries someone they do not particularly care for, or even when the grandchildren leave after visiting and an empty feeling - like winter - hits.
Your imagery was vivid! I could see all the gardens, countrysides, Greece, and England through your writing! That hits the jackpot with me as a huge Charlotte Bronte fan, who was a master at describing such things!
I really enjoyed this, and think it had the perfect length as a short story too~! Fine job!
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