Interesting cross-play, apt writing style
You won't find any big action or high-concept in The Car and Candice - in fact, the story itself is almost boldly down-to-earth. Despite the fact that very little actually happens, the prose is pretty sharp and varied enough to hold interest. Some of the scenes do tend to drag a bit (the conversation between Max and Al, the lead up to picking up Candice) which would be alright if they served a greater purpose.
That is really the biggest critique one can levy against this story. It seems to be a story about two people who's lives are devoted to the service of others. By picking up the prostitute, the idea (at least as this reviewer understands it) is to finally put Max in control of something until the timer runs out, at which point he serves her, and at the end they "meet in the middle" with the twenties which symbolizes their understanding. The problem is, Max already seems to have too much control with his boss at the beginning which weakens this overall dynamic. It never seems so much that Max is being tread on (beyond the fact that he tells us directly that he is), and moreso he's begrudgingly doing a favor. With a slight re-working of this conversation, and some more elaboration on the thematic musings on his drive to the park (the bits describing how he can't really go anywhere or do anything is a good start), would really strengthen this message. As it stands, I only feel I just barely got it at the end.
Finally, this work could use a quick read-over as there are a few instances of missing words.
Other Reviews by TOFMatt
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Conceptually, Tolerance is a story that just about anyone can relate to. Who hasn't had to deal with delays at customs, crying kids, "generously proportioned" passengers, irritable flight attendants, and so forth? The premise alone begs for the reader to sympathize with Doug. The problem is, Doug is just not likable. From the outset of the story he's judgmental, elitist,...
Conceptually, Tolerance is a story that just about anyone can relate to. Who hasn't had to deal with delays at customs, crying kids, "generously proportioned" passengers, irritable flight attendants, and so forth? The premise alone begs for the reader to sympathize with Doug. The problem is, Doug is just not likable. From the outset of the story he's judgmental, elitist, and snappy. The prose continues with event after event, knocking the reader over the head with just how unlikeable this guy is. Then at the end, he just kind of "gets what he wants."
Granted, Doug's clearly structured purposely to be this way, but even in stories featuring egotistical protagonists, readers need something to adhere to. This is is magnified by the fact that he remains essentially flat the entire story. It would be one thing if he started off somewhat tolerant, then gradually becomes less tolerant with every event until he finally snaps, but the problem is he snaps right at the beginning. Every event on the plane is weighted relatively equally, with the same response, so he doesn't go through any sort of character arc and just ends up feeling like a shallow ball of hate.
This is also a problem when he discovers his "power." Again, his acceptance of it is almost comically flat. "Oh, jeez, I must be doing it." There's no sense of wonder, no sense of suspense or worry - he barely even lets it affect his behavior. One would think that if they had the idea they were causing it, at first they might think they're crazy, then test it, then become paranoid that every little angry spat would cause them to die in a fiery death, until finally they become so overwhelmed by whats happening on the plane that that becomes what they want. But the narrative pretty much throws away these opportunities and continues on its spiteful path.
Technically the prose is alright. There is a bit of a tendency to overwrite (for example, the first three sentences could be condensed into one "Doug Melman chuckled at the people he called "tourists" sitting in their window seat. The pros knew the aisle was where it was at."), and the sentence structures could use a bit more variation (far too many start with "Doug...something").
In the end, Tolerance isn't a bad piece, but given the strong subject/title I thought I would like it more than I did. In such a heavily character-driven story, the character Doug just ends up being too flat.
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From the outset, Redemption Center effectively paints its picture of its backwater setting. The narrator's accent played through his voice is unique and though it is risky to give him such a strong characteristic (starting the entire piece with a spelling error no less), it pays off, even if it's not always consistent. He and his associates are certainly described as the...
From the outset, Redemption Center effectively paints its picture of its backwater setting. The narrator's accent played through his voice is unique and though it is risky to give him such a strong characteristic (starting the entire piece with a spelling error no less), it pays off, even if it's not always consistent. He and his associates are certainly described as the sleazy, hick-town, uneducated caricatures they are supposed to be. However, one can't help but think that maybe their descriptions could've been used to better foreshadow the ending. Twist endings are always more satisfying when the reader feels he/she would've had an honest chance at figuring it out for themselves, rather than having it just thrown at them from out of the blue. Unfortunately, Redemption Center feels a bit like the latter right now.
The prose right now is extremely heavy in dialogue. While this in itself isn't bad, its current construction seems to forget that half of dialogue are the things we do unconsciously - a tilt of the head, a purse of the lips. Most of the dialogue is just 1-2-1-2 back-and-forth, and thought written cleverly, much of it comes as banter/small talk more than anything else. The story could move along much more smoothly with about half of it cut out. The sentence structures also have a habit of saying too much in one sentence, using the comma as a fail-safe a little too often. This also leads to its slow, plodding pace.
Redemption Center is a good work, but the combination of the narrator's accent, lack of direction (until the very end), and circular dialogue make it a bit of a slog to get through. With just a bit of tuning up in these areas, it could make for a much smoother reading experience.
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Conceptually, City Sanctions seems as though it is a piece cut from a movie like Cloverfield - a slice of normal life thrust into the claws of something anything but normal. It reads as one long action scene, which in-and-of itself is not bad. The problem is that, almost by the nature of the twist at the end, there just isn't any weightiness to any of it. The story reads...
Conceptually, City Sanctions seems as though it is a piece cut from a movie like Cloverfield - a slice of normal life thrust into the claws of something anything but normal. It reads as one long action scene, which in-and-of itself is not bad. The problem is that, almost by the nature of the twist at the end, there just isn't any weightiness to any of it. The story reads more like a laundry-list of events, and it's hard for the reader to care because there's no investment in the characters. Granted, this is difficult to accomplish given the aforementioned twist, but with some clever word play and vagueries it isn't impossible. For example, one way to up the stakes would be any mention of the the notion that the "creature already took down my partners a few days ago." Therefore, by the reader's initial interpretation they may immediately think "oh, his law enforcement partners," when in reality the subtext means the other "testers" lost the game. This way, you can inject some personal stakes into the story without actually breaking the laws of the twist.
Speaking of breaking the twist, there are a few moments that seem to do just that. The explanation that the monster cannot leave Manhattan otherwise it would get out in the world doesn't really make sense. If this is all a simulation, then that's not really an issue. Red herrings can't outright lie to the reader, they need to be cleverly manipulated so that, from an angle, they are true. The story would do well to foreshadow the trick ending. Maybe have some soldiers act out of character (they go charging at the beast instead of staying back, or otherwise act strangely - but not TOO strangely). This would strengthen the tester at the end mentioning "the AI needs work," because right now it's kind of a throwaway phrase.
Technically, the prose struggles a lot with the notion of showing instead of telling. The opening paragraph is nothing but dry fact. Personally, I love "in media res" (starting from the middle) but its greatest advantage is you it plops the reader right into action, which for the most part is ignored in the opening. Maybe starting with something like "Footsteps echo against the alleys between the New York skyscrapers. It's 9pm at night, and Times Square is completely empty. The night air bites at my exposed skin, but that's not why I'm shivering. I'm shivering because it's out there, somewhere." Start with action, rather than thought.
There are many other examples. Saying things like "I hear a sound across the road" or "after a couple of tense minutes," are vague and uninteresting. Describe the sounds, or the tenseness, describe what these things do to the character. Does it make him jumpy, does his heart pound, does it remind him of anything? Right now the text is just too dry. Some other instances of description don't really make sense (either thematically or even logically) from time to time. "I realize how incredibly fast the creature is. It's like a train." Trains are fast, yes, but thematically it gives the wrong image. A train is confined to a track - the creature is loose and wild. A train is an unstoppable brute force - the creature is slippery and clever. It would be more apt to compare the creature to an animal, like a cheetah. Another example is "Pinned. Just like your cattle." Humans don't pin cattle, we herd them and trap them. Pinned gives the image of a wrestler on a mat, pinning a cow.
City Sanctions has promise. The twist is good and the progression of action is fine. But more than anything, it lacks a certain degree of heart. The main character isn't a character at all really, just a vessel for the plot. Even though the twist ending makes this even more difficult to accomplish than a standard story, it is imperative that the audience has some stake in who it's reading about. Action scenes that are just action scenes are boring when we aren't invested in them.
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