Other Reviews by MS1 7

• 
  Hahahahaha
  A review of Dirk Gray: Man of Power
  by MS1 on 11/05/2009
  This was hilarious. For a while now I'd been thinking of writing a "meta" type screenplay that purposefully and absurdly breaks all the rules myself, but you beat me to it! Very well done. It's a fun read. I imagine that your ultimate goal with this is to get some attention from producers and kind of stir up a name for yourself - i think this will do it. My only suggestion... This was hilarious. For a while now I'd been thinking of writing a "meta" type screenplay that purposefully and absurdly breaks all the rules myself, but you beat me to it! Very well done. It's a fun read. I imagine that your ultimate goal with this is to get some attention from producers and kind of stir up a name for yourself - i think this will do it. My only suggestion would be to take out some of the notes to director, as they get a little old after a while.
  
  This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Good luck with it! read
• 
  Review
  A review of Rated R
  by MS1 on 09/06/2009
  I have to say it was the title that drew me to this – more than the concept. I love the title, and it does give some indication of how you want people to interpret the movie (i.e. – tongue-in-cheek, ironic, meta, etc…), but unfortunately you need more than just a title to accomplish this. Which leads to my main critique of this script -- it’s kind of genre-schitzo. It’s Silence... I have to say it was the title that drew me to this – more than the concept. I love the title, and it does give some indication of how you want people to interpret the movie (i.e. – tongue-in-cheek, ironic, meta, etc…), but unfortunately you need more than just a title to accomplish this. Which leads to my main critique of this script -- it’s kind of genre-schitzo. It’s Silence of the Lambs meets Clerks meets Bourne Identity meets Watchmen meets Austin Powers. I think to some extent you were going for this, but I also think your intention was to wrap it all up into a hilarious meta-/self-referencing package. But when this line came on page 31 –
  
  LILY
  I didn’t think this would happen!
  Those guys were like a whole team
  of action movie cliches!...
  
  It jarred me out of the story and made me think – wait a minute, what kind of movie is this? Yes – the first scene establishes that this is going to be a somewhat wacky action movie, but not necessarily a slapstick/meta one, like Austin Powers. The problem is that it doesn’t start going this way until well into Act II, and then when it does go this way, it doesn’t reach the level of comedy required to make it worth the effort. So, in effect, it remains genre-schitzo. If you think about it, you lose so much one you decide to go into self-referencing slapstick -- all sense of danger is lost and you stop caring about what happens to the characters. In an Austin Powers movie you don’t genuinely care what’s going to happen to Austin Powers, especially because you know he’s gonna be okay anyway, but that doesn’t matter because it’s hilarious and the whole point is to laugh and you’re laughing out loud. But your script never made me laugh out loud, and never plunged fully enough into the slapstick. It kind of hovered between action, slapstick, horror and comedy, and in the end the meta/slapstick stuff seems to be there only to point a laughing finger at certain weaknesses in the script, and hence, make it okay that they’re there. But unfortunately you can’t get off that easy.
  
  On the positive side, there were some funny moments (like when Lucy is listening to the Titanic song on her ipod), and the first 10 pages definitely set-up some good dramatic questions: Will Sid and Lucy hook up? Who is Sid and what’s his relation to what happened at the beginning? What will happen when Lucy’s stepdad gets out of jail? Who is McGuffin and what’s his relation to Sid? And what’s in the briefcase?
  
  Also the pacing and structure are excellent, the dialogue is solid, and there are plenty of nicely executed set-ups/payoffs.
  
  I think overall the action descriptions/sequences would be much more reader-friendly if you varied the sentence structure a little more. Almost all of your sentences are: X does Y.
  
  Examples:
  
  Victor slashes at Sid. Sid dodges. Victor kicks him in the
  face. Sid falls.
  
  And soon after that you have:
  
  Victor stabs down at Sid. Sid dives out of the way. The
  knife digs into the cement floor.
  
  It got really repetitive/monotonous and almost became hypnotic after a while, and I found myself having to put down the script to take a break. Vary the sentence length/structure more, combine sentences, try starting with a verb instead of a noun, put a single word on a line, have one really long sentence; anything to break up that staccato rhythm.
  
  A few nit-pics:
  
  The presence of Adolf Hitler in the first scene is never explained and Adolf Hitler never shows up again (plus its 1948 in the first scene and Hitler died in 1945). I’d just get rid of him.
  
  Pg. 13 – “unphased” -- should be unfazed.
  
  Overall -- a fun script and interesting idea that seems unsure of its own method of delivery. read
• 
  Took me a long time to get through this
  A review of Unconditional
  by MS1 on 06/19/2009
  Hi Kele – This screenplay has a really nice sentiment to it – a good message. It’s pretty well structured in the sense that the turns come in the right places, although I can’t say I was felt really immersed in the movie. In fact it took me quite a long time to get through this and I kept getting distracted, which probably isn’t a good sign. The second act really dragged...
  Hi Kele –
  
  This screenplay has a really nice sentiment to it – a good message. It’s pretty well structured in the sense that the turns come in the right places, although I can’t say I was felt really immersed in the movie. In fact it took me quite a long time to get through this and I kept getting distracted, which probably isn’t a good sign. The second act really dragged on with too much on-the-nose dialogue and discussion of character’s motives/plans, when really you should be showing these things through images and actions.
  
  You built up the Gerry/Maggie relationship fairly well, although it was very predictable how things would turn out. The presence of Pete provided some nice antagonism.
  
  I didn’t know if Gerry was a musician or a movie star until the middle of the movie – establish this right at the beginning by showing him “at work.”
  
  I think the main issue with this script the way it is – apart from the on-the-nose dialogue and presence of too much gesture/reaction descriptions – is that the execution has some major flaws. First off – the stabbing scene that gets the sets the whole plot going: why does he just pass out? It takes some time to pass out from loss of blood. But if he doesn’t pass out, there goes your inciting incident because really he would have just called out for help and someone would have caught the stabber. But okay – let’s say that this is plausible and we move on. The next problem comes when Maggie first meets Gerry. I just can’t believe she wouldn’t recognize him from the big screen. But okay, let’s say she doesn’t and that this is plausible, your next problem comes with the fact that, after not recognizing him, she invites him to stay on her farm without so much as Googling his name. Once she did this – your second act is kind of blown out of the water because she knows who he is, or maybe you’d have to take it in a completely different direction? She could find out and then pretend not to know and see what is up with him. I think that could bring a comedic element to the movie, as well. Just a suggestion.
  
  Hope this helps. I made some notes as I read the screenplay (see below).
  
  I think you do have a decent concept here, but I think the execution needs to be different for the movie to hold together.
  
  Mark
  
  Pg. 4 – How did the female fan get in? Would he have just left his hotel room door open? Maybe show her working the lock or finding a way to sneak in as someone else comes out.
  
  
  Pg. 4 –
  
  GERRY
  ...you don't know me. I don't know
  you. I don't want to know you. Get
  dressed and get out!
  
  He’s kind of an a-hole here. Not that the girl doesn’t deserve it, but be careful not to make him unlikeable right from the start. Maybe he could say something like, “I don’t know you, and I don’t think you want to get to know me. Because if you did you might find I’m not who you think I am.” Something like that, which would make him sound like less of a jerk and shed some insight into his internal struggle at the same time. This would also act as foreshadowing for his future behaviour…
  
  Pg. 5 –
  
  We go from Gerry getting stabbed to laying on the floor in blood. Did he pass out? Why couldn’t he have yelled out for help after getting stabbed? It seems like this jump from him getting stabbed to the next scene where he’s laying on the floor in blood, the girl gone, was done out of convenience for the plot, but it doesn’t really add up. Stab wounds bring loss of blood, which takes a long time until it brings unconsciousness.
  
  Pg. 8 –
  
  By now I’d really like to know what exactly Gerry is famous for and why girls go crazy for him. It’s pretty generic for now. Max compared him to the Beatles, so I assume it’s music, but it’s still pretty vague. Maybe open with a scene of Gerry rocking out? Or if it’s acting – doing some acting? This will make his persona, and therefore his epidemic, all that more real.
  
  Pg. 16 –
  
  “He gives her the grin that made him a box office star.”
  
  Okay – so he’s a movie star. I’d make this clear from the beginning.
  
  Pg. 22 –
  
  I think there’s lots of opportunity to cut back on the description in this script. Example from the top of pg. 22
  
  Maggie sits quietly on the love seat. She lifts her head a
  bit as a breeze brushes over the porch. A small smile forms
  as the breeze brushes back her hair. She enjoys the clear
  sky alive with stars and the symphony of crickets and frogs.
  
  This could be reduced to:
  
  Maggie sits on the love seat. It’s quiet. She smiles as the breeze brushes her hair back.
  
  The above is enough to paint the picture. You don’t need to describe every sound and sensation. That’s more for novels.
  
  I’m confused as to whether they’re in the U.S. or London. Is Gerry British?
  
  Pg. 24 – Now I’m confused again. Is Gerry a rock star or an actor? Also – if he’s so world famous, how is it that Maggie doesn’t know who he is? She lives in the country, yes, but that certainly doesn’t preclude her from being aware of pop culture. Does she not own a TV?
  
  Pg. 32
  
  “An empty bottle of wine sits on the porch table. Two almost empty glasses, one on either side of the table keep it company.”
  
  Again – I think your descriptions could be a little more efficient to make it an easier read. You don’t need “porch” before “table” because from the slugline we already know they’re on the porch. The above could be:
  
  On a table: Two near-empty wine glasses next to a empty wine bottle.
  
  Pg. 34 –
  
  Watch out for typos that spell-check can’t catch!
  
  GERRY
  OK, its not as easy as it looks.
  
  Pg. 46 –
  
  When he tells her it was he who made the donations, I would think she would really press him now about who he is and where he came from/where he got all the money from.
  
  Pg. 59 –
  
  MAGGIE
  Divorced. He wants to get together.
  Gerry stops, pauses and lifts the pot from the stove.
  MAGGIE (CONT'D)
  His parents saw the TV interview.
  They told him about this.
  She waves her arms around.
  MAGGIE (CONT'D)
  Turns out, he's the anonymous donor.
  
  Try not to break up the dialogue so much with acting directions. I think it’s okay to make an occasional reference to a reaction, if the reaction is important, but otherwise leave room for the actors to decide what expressions/gestures to make. This will also allow the screenplay to flow much better, too.
  
  Nice twist with Pete saying he’s the donor! What a jerk!
  
  Pg. 65 –
  
  It’s just not plausible to me that Maggie didn’t go ahead and type his name into a search engine herself right after she met him and let him stay in her house! This should have happened on page 30.
  
  Pg. 81 –
  
  INTERCUT/EXT. AIRPORT -- NIGHT/INT. JET
  Cameras flash as the plane taxis.
  Gerry tenses and sits up straight.
  Peester nudges Gerry's leg.
  Gerry relaxes and smiles down at the dog.
  They're at the top of the jet's stairs Gerry waves and smiles.
  
  Again, you don’t have to map out every single gesture, motion, reaction. Leave room for acting, and if you get rid of a lot of this stuff your script will be a much quicker/easier read and much more likely to actually get read all the way through if it makes it to a production company. Another example of overdoing it is below, from pg. 90.
  
  
  EXT. BACKYARD -- AFTERNOON
  The dog jumps up on Maggie. She stumbles.
  She kneels and the dog knocks her over.
  The dog kisses her all over her face. Her hands all over
  him, she laughs.
  Gerry approaches silently.
  He clears his throat.
  She freezes in surprise.
  She pushes the dog off of her and tries to sit up.
  Gerry offers his hand.
  She takes it - pulls herself to a sitting position. read