Invisable Wounds Review
Your story was genuinely unique. Your descriptions were vivid. You captured the battlefield very realistically. The image of the solider having to negotiate countless bodies was downright horrendous; however, I do not know what a parapet is, perhaps explaining what one is or providing more context would be helpful. The Civil War scenes were gritty and accurate. The characters were intriguing. David's desperation was palpable. I have read several stories that were unsuccessful in telling a story from an internal perspective because they lacked the attention to detail and failed to develop the character the way your does. Also, Pete's grief was numbing. The tale went along smoothly. Even the psychotic break of an ending seemed understandably warranted; however, I found the epilogue to be confusing and erroneous. It just did not fit. I do not think it is in anyway necessary. I think ending at the story at the break would be stronger. The abruptness would leave the reader with something to think about, instead of being told what to think by the epilogue. Some stories need an explanation yours doesn't. The only exception is the Robert E. Lee quote which could be put at the front of story as a hook. My only other problem is that were a couple minor semantic errors that need to be corrected.
Other Reviews by Skye Shepherd
7
-
Unlike, many diehard Sci-Fi fans I do not read and like everything Sci-Fi. In fact, I am very choosey when it comes to what Sci-Fi I will consume (or any genre). The reason for my digression is so you understand just how awesome I found your story to be. I believe this publishable and I hope it happens soon.
To begin, the characters, story, and concept are fresh and unique...
Unlike, many diehard Sci-Fi fans I do not read and like everything Sci-Fi. In fact, I am very choosey when it comes to what Sci-Fi I will consume (or any genre). The reason for my digression is so you understand just how awesome I found your story to be. I believe this publishable and I hope it happens soon.
To begin, the characters, story, and concept are fresh and unique. I have not read a sci-fi story with your take on the threads of fate. The concept of fate manipulation as described in the opening chapter by Ella was well-written and intriguing. The chapter as a whole is an excellent hook into the story. The opposite Zin-Zang feel between the main characters is interesting and creates tension. It is not another tired cliche. Science fiction that examines fate themes are highly appealing. The spiritual contexts revealed in this opening chapter promise a deep rich tale that is about to unfold. I think you give just enough detail and development to whet the audiences appetite. If I had the whole book, it would be one I would find hard to put down. I was left with a head full of questions that would drive me to continue reading. You revealed just enough of the stories conflict (Noal's chaos tatoo) to engage the reader. Your details provide a vivid depiction of the stories setting to bring it alive in the head of the reader. Your descriptions of the opening desert journey, the shanty town, and the moments of fate manipulation were expertly crafted. I hope the rest of the book is as well-written, compelling, and detailed as this first chapter. I look forward to reading the rest of Thread of Fate - The Golden Thread.
read
-
The Violent Kind is a compelling story. The psychological elements such as Frank's narration and Victor constant testing of human behavior draw the audience in. The story is pretty sturdy and will capture the attention of fans of the psychological thriller genre. However, I have suggestions on how to improve it. The Characters are mediocre and could use some tweaking to...
The Violent Kind is a compelling story. The psychological elements such as Frank's narration and Victor constant testing of human behavior draw the audience in. The story is pretty sturdy and will capture the attention of fans of the psychological thriller genre. However, I have suggestions on how to improve it. The Characters are mediocre and could use some tweaking to make them stronger. Some of the characters come off as mere literary devices which makes them less interesting and gives away too much if the intention is to create suspense. I see there is tongue and cheek attitude about storytelling which is clever and well done. The biggest problem for me is the rising action and climax. At this point the story, Victor inexplicably starts acting contrary to his character. As a result, the final showdown is anticlimactic and flat. Returning, to Frank and his voice over is good way to end the film.
Here are some specific notes:
1) Frank's opening voice over is too long and the other murders mentioned are off topic. I kept thinking when is this going to end. I would keep the beginning and the end, but ditch the middle.
2) There are several scenes that could be added to enhance the story. Some could be used to reconstruct your setup.
Showing the scene of the murder of Frank's father would be a good way to setup your idea that violence is inexplicable and random. Also, it could added to Frank's characterization as the violent kind.
Showing what actually happened to Victor and Bill would be another good scene. The incident is too vague for the whole movie to center around it. I kept waiting for that part of the story to be fleshed out. The questions of where the money came from and was Bill criminal beg to be answered.
Showing a scene of Jones and Victor's first run in would be good, too. Perhaps Jones has Victor or Victor decides to tell him what transpired between Victor and Bill.
Lastly, I think a scene illustrating the situation where Frank had a gun put to his before would be interesting and telling. It could help to answer the question of why Frank is the violent kind.
3) Here are some specific dialogue notes.
One, "Lower that instrument of death" is corny and does seem to fit Victor. Along with "the pickle of a situation", the two metaphors seem clumsy when put together. Victor commands are simple and clear, he would say " put the gun down .." He understands that you don't waste time when there is gun pointed at you.
Two, the Shepherd metaphor is really confusing. I understanding that your are paying homage to Pulp Fiction. The scene in the restaurant where Jackson explains the metaphor of his "tag you" line to Roth; however, you need to be more clear. I would say there are three kinds of people, wolves, shepherds, and sheep.
Three, Jensen monologue on 83-84 is really bland and silly. It makes Jensen seem too stupid to be a cop.
4) Early, I mentioned that some characters seem to be plot devices. This is especially true of Jensen. He seems to be a means to bring about the climax of the movie. I think that this lack of characterization makes the character unappealing. You have Victor identifying Jensen as "cowboy", so have him act as one. He wouldn't stop to consider what Jones said, and he would not act as he did at the house. He would have either come in gun a blazing after the old man lied, or he would have tried to play off that he was leaving and tried a sneak attack. He could still be stupid enough not to succeed, but it would make more sense.
5) Lastly, the climax of the piece needs work. It feel rushed and doesn't hold true with Victor's character. After Victor has killed everyone else he has come in contact with in the movie saying "I was done (with so and so)", why is he suddenly living people alive. Victor should have wasted Jensen after he is finished screwing with him. Also, he should have killed the old folks, too. The show down at the gas station is anticlimactic and make Jones seem foolhardy, not the guy who outsmarted Victor in the past. I think they should make it to Pincher Creek and have the show down there. I understand that Jones would be out of his jurisdiction, but he already left the rules behind when he decided that he was going to kill Victor. Frank shooting Victor finally ending it all, is right. Make sure you leave in old man's little speech I enjoyed that moment.
The theme of what makes some one capable of violence is an interesting one. I think it makes the piece worthwhile.
I look forward to reading your revised version, if you chose to do one. Good luck.
read
-
Your descriptions were vivid and engaging. I really could picture Spain. The characters were balanced and interesting. I think you could even add to their backstories to make the story even better. Maybe a flashback of Alfonso and Sandra together, or the father fighting. But really, the story is fine as is. The bullfighting scene was full of tension which was captivating...
Your descriptions were vivid and engaging. I really could picture Spain. The characters were balanced and interesting. I think you could even add to their backstories to make the story even better. Maybe a flashback of Alfonso and Sandra together, or the father fighting. But really, the story is fine as is. The bullfighting scene was full of tension which was captivating. The ending was perfect. I hope you find a place to publish this. I look forward to reading more of your selections. Good luck.
read
+ more reviews
