I thought the first half of this story was amazing. Some will say that the preamble was too long, but I found it mesmerizing. It reminded me of Dickens’ opening of “Tale of Two Cities,” not in content but in the effective telling of the broad historical back-story.
The second act (Aamir’s plight) was even better.
But the Ghost and Cassie third act was nowhere near as original as the material that preceded it. It was comic book stuff, Steven Seagal stuff. If you can address that, this will be a corker.
P. 3: “Be in” is an awkward way to end this sentence. How about something like: “It was in this world, these former glorious lands of the free, where people like Aamir had the rotten luck to be.”
P. 4: The kissing frog dialogue doesn’t work. The Aladdin joke was OK, but not the frog.
P.6: “end on” should be “went on.”
P. 18: “Figures,” she added. “The oldest trick in the book.” Not a great line. This is a girl who knows nothing about guns and was reluctant to even touch one, yet now she’s quick to banter about body armor being an old trick. The word “figures” is also a problem: why does it “figure,” in her mind, that the Ghost would resort to an “old trick?” And body armor is not a trick, anyway.
P. 20: Why “Carcasses?” They’re not dead.
Review of: The Ghost
reviewed by LBarbarell on 11/19/2010
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