It's a clique, but...
The whole thing is one big cliche, but I was rivited. There's talant here. Lots of it. The acting was good and despite the poor quality camera the cinimatography and the editing was superb. The fight at the end seemed a little dragged though. The cop was winning easily. Perhaps too easily. But the psycho certain took a good beating a kept on going. It was a tad unrelistic. Good film.
Other Reviews by KatMeow5040
25
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I liked the concept of a reality TV show used to choose the star for a huge picture. I'm actually surprised no producer has tried this yet. I also like the theme that a person will
do anything for fame. I really think this is true.
Unfortunately, all of this could have been better executed. A few problems really mangled the story and made for a less than enjoyable read...
I liked the concept of a reality TV show used to choose the star for a huge picture. I'm actually surprised no producer has tried this yet. I also like the theme that a person will
do anything for fame. I really think this is true.
Unfortunately, all of this could have been better executed. A few problems really mangled the story and made for a less than enjoyable read.
First, a couple of technical problems:
Watch that you're not separating character names from their dialogue when there's a page break. The proper way to do this is to place the character name at the beginning of the next page. Not a big deal, but I'm fussy.
Also, there were a couple of points where you switched to the past tense. Page 24 and page 81 were the ones I caught. It's possible there are others.
On page 61 draws should be drawers.
On page 75 Scarletts should be Scarlett's.
On page 81 Sean has his gun trained on Travis, but Travis is already dead. I think you meant Rae.
The other issues I had (these may be more a personal preference than anything. Feel free to take them with a grain of salt):
First of all Rae is the feminine spelling of the name Ray. I don't know why this irked me, but it really did. Again, personal preference.
The use of really celebrities as characters. I don't know if this is a good idea, particularly for a spec. Don't know about libel laws or anything like that, but it would probably turn
producers off. Maybe it would be better if you made up fictional actors and directors?
On page 16 you introduce Jem rather quickly. Quickly enough that I was confused about who he was. We never really find out what his real purpose is in the story either.
The plot is hard to follow at times. It's easy to get lost and confused.
Your writing is clear, but at times it just seems to be one shot after another with no variety to your sentences. (I.E. Scarlett kisses the screen... Screen goes blank. Harry hot around the collar.) It reads like a grocery list sometimes and makes it hard to be sucked
into the story. Maybe it's just my opinion.
In short, great idea... needs work though. Keep writing.
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OVERALL: The three tales are weaved well together and connected well. Each stand on it's own, but together they make a movie. Reminicent of Stephan King's Cat's Eye.
CONCEPT: All three tales are original and well thought out. They seems to get scarier and more macabre as the script goes on.
STORY/STRUCTURE: Each tale has it's own three acts that stand on their own...
OVERALL: The three tales are weaved well together and connected well. Each stand on it's own, but together they make a movie. Reminicent of Stephan King's Cat's Eye.
CONCEPT: All three tales are original and well thought out. They seems to get scarier and more macabre as the script goes on.
STORY/STRUCTURE: Each tale has it's own three acts that stand on their own. The way they're weaved together is genius.
CHARACTER: Difficult to define characters well when they only appear for a third of the movie. The girls in "To Catch a Witch" could use a little more definition to make them distinct from eachother. They seem to alike and it's hard to distinguish which is which.
DIALOGUE: Good for the most part. Again... could use a little work in "To Catch a Witch." All the valley-girl speak comes off as a tad unrealistic.
OTHER NOTES: Try to avoid directing the camera. Although you don't do this often it does interupt the flow of the story when you do. Other than that. I really enjoyed this script. Keep up the good work.
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OVERALL: From the beggining you are overdescribing in your action. Describing every move someone makes while on screen is unneccessary. For instance, on the first page it takes you 11 lines to tell us that Mallory pulls into the hotel. It could have been done in three or four and remained descriptive. Only tell what is essential to the story.
CONCEPT: The idea of a...
OVERALL: From the beggining you are overdescribing in your action. Describing every move someone makes while on screen is unneccessary. For instance, on the first page it takes you 11 lines to tell us that Mallory pulls into the hotel. It could have been done in three or four and remained descriptive. Only tell what is essential to the story.
CONCEPT: The idea of a hotel owner taping his guests to pay the bills is good. The fact that he feels guilty about it is even better. The rest of it just detiriorates into a typical action film though.
STORY/STRUCTURE: The beginning was very strong. Jesse has problems happening everywhere. There's no way he can dig himself out of this. The whole missing money/police coverup was unbelievable though. If it is the main struggle of your film (as it seems to be) it was introduced too late as well. It doesn't really come up until page 65 which is more than half way through the script.
CHARACTER: The main characters are fairly well developed. It's easy to see their faults and their strengths. The villians however are almost cliche. The corrupt cops, the bitchy spoiled rich chick... we've seen them all before.
DIALOGUE: To on the nose in some places. Used to describe things we can easily see in others. For instance: After Parker get shot he says, "I'm hit in the shoulder." The audience should be able to see where he's hit so this dialogue is redundant. He could just groan in pain and it would be a better effect.
OTHER NOTES: The potential is there. You're a wonderfully descriptive writer, but you need to learn to cut back. A rewrite whittling this down is important. Best of luck.
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