jazz man
This is a surprisingly well-written story of a musician becoming an artist. A saxophone player finally meets his match and has to rethink his approach to his passion in this well paced piece.
The main strengths are the pacing and the outstanding voice. We are whisked from a good catch line, through a city walk and into a jazz club. There the reader is filled in on the musician's background, before the meat of the story begins. The dialect is natural and above all credible, giving the voice a real presence.
If there is one area which does need some rethinking, then it has to be the flashbacks. There are two suggestions. First, I know that the past perfect has fallen out of fashion thanks to the advent of cinema, but my eyes went a little glazed over in this section, particularly as there are a number of different time frames here. As the writer is clearly ready to bend rules (e.g they was waiting), I suggest putting in a few 'hads' just in the opening sentences of these passages and see if you can sneak back to the simple past. Or change them all the way through... that way the full effect of a change in tense will be felt when the reader comes back to the principle narrative.
Second, and not unrelated, is the transition. The last sentence 'they'll never truly know...' might go better in the next section. Whilst the main character's waiting by the stage, doing all this thinking. After that, this paragraph picks up with 'girls' as the first subject, but then goes on to describe the band and their set. So when 'Boy was they talking' comes in, it's not clear who they is. The girls or the band?
Overall, this is a tightly written, well-felt short story. Aside from a few typos (e.g. Toldeo p.7), it reflects the work of an accomplished writer, who has probably already satisfied that itch.
Other Reviews by maxcrisp
12
-
This is a vignette based on a woman waking up in a hospital. The principal character has suffered serious injuries and is being treated by a number of different nurses from various parts of the world.
I found it difficult to identify with the character and her situation. Her responses to her situation are non-conventional, yet there is no explanation as to why she has this...
This is a vignette based on a woman waking up in a hospital. The principal character has suffered serious injuries and is being treated by a number of different nurses from various parts of the world.
I found it difficult to identify with the character and her situation. Her responses to her situation are non-conventional, yet there is no explanation as to why she has this response. For this reason I can't take anything away from the story. Were she to be suffering greatly from some anxiety or racked by a need to find out what happened, then I think I could imagine a workable story of such length.
As far as the writing is concerned, the style is clear and lucid. There are just a few remarks to make:
African nurse... could be more descriptive, Sub-Saharan? South African. Likewise with Asian. They don't all look alike and it makes your narrator start out very westernised, even though later it is more specific. And what's to say that the Asian nurse isn't the same as the Filipino.
Onto the floor below... omit 'below'
don't worry about that ... should be followed by a comma, not a full stop.
aware there was talking to no one.... read it several times, still not clear what it means.
have all the sensitivity of wearing... could be more elegant e.g. 'wouldn't have been less sensitive if she had been'
I think the adjective is stealthy, not stealthful
'mind numbing' needs a hyphen
All in, this is a promising start, but without expounding the ideas contained within it is too mystical to stand alone. Padding story out may give it more _raison d'être_, this could be done starting with little explanations, such as the significance of her taking a photo and the comment about half her bodyweight.
read
-
This is a story based on the loss of a family member. A teenage boy arrives to live with his uncle, following the death of his parents. The topic chosen here is one of grief and the way humans deal with it, focusing particularly on the male rite of passage to manhood.
The story is very well staged. The writer has a clear grip on exactly what is happening at each moment, with...
This is a story based on the loss of a family member. A teenage boy arrives to live with his uncle, following the death of his parents. The topic chosen here is one of grief and the way humans deal with it, focusing particularly on the male rite of passage to manhood.
The story is very well staged. The writer has a clear grip on exactly what is happening at each moment, with the precision of a director. This puts the reader at ease, knowing they will not miss a detail.
At the same time, this precision causes the reader to walk on eggshells, never able to relax and let their eyes flow over the words, for fear of missing some elegant detail. I think it was Borge's who said that in a short story, every single last thing should bear some relevance, although I am not sure that is the case here. The result is a jarring between the voice and the narrative, particularly were some elements are foreshadowed, such as the 'five days prior' and the 'new family' (I'm not happy with this latter, as were family before, I ran with the possibility that this was an evacuee before stumbling over the 'Vanhorn men don't cry'). Lastly, I was not convinced by the boy, who we discover to be 15, saying 'relieved because he knew now that Davis did not hate him, he was dealing with his own grief.'
The pacing is nice. I enjoyed the original mixture between movement and reflection. Likewise the impact of the 'heart thumping out of his chest' combined with the splashes of colour in what was until then a very non descriptive piece.
Minor quibbles: train station... you mentioned train twice, you could drop the adjective.
You start a sentence 'although there was one house..' suggesting a contrast, but a contrast to what, you had just said 'blended in,' I don't see how blending in and having the second largest house (contrasted) fits in here.
Overall, the story has a strong punch and is based on a very touching moment. My main reserve is the coordination of the voice and narrative. I think that a good read out loud may help resolve this, and possibly recording and writing therefrom, as I think a different pace would get the reader more comfortable, possibly increasing the impact of the denouement.
read
-
This story recounts the death of an unknown soldier during the American Civil War. Divided into two parts, the reader is given a possible explanation as to the man's death, as well as the modern relation born by the story.
I enjoyed reading this story, ever curious as to where it would go. The voice is strong during the first section and I felt I placed trust in the narrator...
This story recounts the death of an unknown soldier during the American Civil War. Divided into two parts, the reader is given a possible explanation as to the man's death, as well as the modern relation born by the story.
I enjoyed reading this story, ever curious as to where it would go. The voice is strong during the first section and I felt I placed trust in the narrator. The other character, however, is not developed enough for the reader to trust, and this makes the story jar in two places, firstly during the jump to the end of the week spent together and, naturally, just before the transition to the modern day.
I found the contrasts in the opening sections left an impression. Firstly the use of free indirect speech, contrasting present and past tenses, such as in the opening, "if only I could escape the noise. The booming of cannons, eruption of rifles, and screams of men and horses rolled over and into", as well a some more traditional methods, such as oxymoron, "the determined, resigned brown eyes of yet another Reb" If this does nothing else, it serves to prime the reader for the eventual shift to the future.
These, however, were not always as well crafted as they could be, e.g., "I didn't decide to leave the battle before it ended, my body did it on its own, seeking...," how about something more like: 'it wasn't me that decided, it was my body, all by itself.'
Likewise, I'm not too sure about "craved quiet the way most men crave air to breathe." I don't think we crave it unless we don't have it.
"just away from noise and death." the noise, as you do refer to the battle.
Again, the contrasts have a certain effect, but sometimes things are too abrupt and clumsy, e.g., "slow death from infection. Or of disease." You can squeeze a verb in here without lengthening the 'sentence' considerably, and what's more, the connecting 'or' creates a link to the bullet wounds, which I wouldn't imagine have anything to do with disease.
Overall, the story produces a clear and vivid image, deftly putting across the writer's idea. Some narrative construction can easily be done to bridge the gap between the soldier turning up and the decision for him to leave. In my opinion, this should be done with a view to opening up the old man's character and to further instilling the eventual irony.
read
+ more reviews
