Overall this has a great set-up which doesnít deliver for me. More needed to be made of Nehemiahís background and why he was doing what he was doing (for example he killed his daughter accidentally and Raymond told him he was going to kill his own daughter, which leads to Nehemiah thinking that in some strange way saving Raymondís daughter would atone for his murder). At the moment I donít really buy his motives.
I also donít buy Raymondís motive Ė why does he want to kill his daughter. Maybe I missed it but if itís just because heís a psycho Iím not sure thatís strong enough.
While the twist was a good one, it didnít seem big enough for me to warrant the whole screenplay revolving around that one twist.
On the plus side I like the Becky/Wiley dynamic and the writing is smooth and the language lifelike. .
As the main characters donít appear to have strong motives, I failed to get into the screenplay. Feel free to ignore, but I think a stronger core theme would be something like Nehemiah returning home to seek forgiveness from his daughter, Raymond turns up all charming but kills people, and people think itís Nehemiah. Then you have a set-up where the audience know one thing, the characters another, and you can really play on that.
If you donít fancy going down that route then Iíd cut it down 20 pages (for example when Nehemiah first comes into town itís very slow moving), work on the motivations of the central characters and get the action moving more quickly.
There were a few typos (such as on p.92 when you use Becky instead of Wiley) so a quick check all the way through would be good. Also there are a few places where you write things that canít be shown on screen, such as on p.58 when you write ĎWiley falls apartí or on p.97 when you write ĎHeís lost in his shattered worldí. Itís better to write out the actions which lead the audience to pick up on the emotions rather than the other way round.
Sorry not to be more positive. I think it does have potential and you are clearly a good writer, it needs a bit more working on.
Review of: Jigsaw (revisited)
reviewed by OliRichards on 11/28/2011
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