Judge, jury and executioner
I thought this was an interesting premise for a story. The narrator a little like Travis Bickle from "Taxi Driver" but even more demented and driven. I think an opportunity was missed with the victim though. I would have liked to actually here a story, as requested, rather than the begging and pleading that followed. What kind of story would the victim have told? It could have spoke volumes about his character, and by proxy the character of the narrator, who has chosen his victims purposefully.
A very nice twist at the end too. It's a frightening thought that someone we trust and enable to protect us from darkness may in fact be psychotic. If I had any recommendations, it would be to draw the story out longer, and develop it more. I feel like you're just touching the surface of a very intriguing idea. Nice job.
Other Reviews by dgburton
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This is a beautifully written, tender story about how so much can unfold in just a few moments. Your prose is the strength of the piece, very sensual and descriptive, and it's easy to imagine and dream on such a sanctuary as you've created and shared here. The thoughts of the lovers, though possibly fleeting, are bound up with such universal and timeless emotion that it would...
This is a beautifully written, tender story about how so much can unfold in just a few moments. Your prose is the strength of the piece, very sensual and descriptive, and it's easy to imagine and dream on such a sanctuary as you've created and shared here. The thoughts of the lovers, though possibly fleeting, are bound up with such universal and timeless emotion that it would be impossible not to strike a chord in the reader.
The only think I might suggest working on is the dialogue. While such complex and precisely-worded thoughts bloom as prose, as dialogue they come across as stilted and a little unbelievable. I've never heard anyone talk like that, and if they did it would sound melodramatic, as if they walked out of a Harlequin romance, rather than truly trying to express themselves (a lot of the power of conversation can often be read in subtext, which is somewhat overpowered here.)
In any case, you're a very skilled writer and this is a nice, dreamy piece of work. Thanks for sharing it.
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This was quite a funny piece. You set the tone early with the light-bulb gag, and it really was a fun ride. I would think this would make a good sample piece if you were interested in writing a humor column for your local newspaper ala Dave Barry. (Do newspapers even exist anymore?)
Anyway, I quite enjoyed it and you have some terrific lines. I would have liked to see the...
This was quite a funny piece. You set the tone early with the light-bulb gag, and it really was a fun ride. I would think this would make a good sample piece if you were interested in writing a humor column for your local newspaper ala Dave Barry. (Do newspapers even exist anymore?)
Anyway, I quite enjoyed it and you have some terrific lines. I would have liked to see the decision to get the tattoo drawn out a little more (with each drink pushing you closer to the moment), and I don't think you ever mention what exactly the tattoo is, so we have to use our imagination. I just keep imagining that it's of She-Ra's face tattooed over your face, and how off-putting that must have been for your family.
Anyways, thanks for the laughs, and have a think about the column...
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For a story about a man who doesn't even move a muscle until the very end, there certainly were a lot of twists and turns, which is a pretty impressive feat.
I do feel confused by the ending though, especially the narrator's reaction to seeing his image in the mirror and hearing the fireman's dialogue after he lands on his shoulders ("Hang on Randy, I'll get 'im").
Fairly...
For a story about a man who doesn't even move a muscle until the very end, there certainly were a lot of twists and turns, which is a pretty impressive feat.
I do feel confused by the ending though, especially the narrator's reaction to seeing his image in the mirror and hearing the fireman's dialogue after he lands on his shoulders ("Hang on Randy, I'll get 'im").
Fairly early on the narrator speculates that he might be dead, and then later this seems to be confirmed when no one notices him and he witnesses his own body lying outside of the twisted car wreck. But then...well, I'm not sure what happens next. Something worse than death apparently? The only thing I can imagine is that he's being pulled back into Hell, but I'm not seeing that on the page.
But the extended inner-dialogue was great--the small moments he chose to remember, his relationship with Caroline from the first day until the last, his misogynistic views of women and his anger at religion. It's not easy to write such character-revealing exposition while still keeping the story flowing and moving forward. But your interspersing those inner thoughts with the mystery of what's happened to him was gripping throughout.
I think a few more personal touches in his narration might be nice. Right now he's clearly somewhat of a bastard, but tempering that with some unexpected thoughts that reveal another side would help make him more of a three-dimensional character.
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