This script drags on way to long before it grabs the attention of the reader. All and all, it is a good story line but there are to many to mention confusing things happening that caused me to have to go back and re-read pages just to catch up... here are a few of those that I did jot down...
Pg. 1 - Many of the enclosures contain sheep, cows, horses, and "not a few goats." Why put this in? Its not like the reader was expecting to hear whether there were goats there or not. If there were not goats then we will know without you mentioning it.
Pg. 2 - A man, SEAMUS (26), lifts a pile of empty sacks off a rock
and carries them over to a small pile: some saddles and bridles, bulky burlap sacks, a few sheets of leather. (No
rope.) He has a pleasant face, young, yet weathered. He has a beard, and his blond hair makes him look like a young Viking. - Once again, you added that there was NO ROPE in the pile, as though we were expecting it. You also change from describing SEAMUS to describing his surroundings and then back to describing SEAMUS. The character description should be placed in a paragraph of its own then second paragraph should describe his surroundings.
Pg. 5 - You described Stephen as "A young man" but never gave him an age or at the least an age range?
Pg. 7 - I doubt if they used phrases such as "Fuck me" back in the 1800's?
You have attempted in various places throughout the script trying to take names and other words and make them into contractions, which gets very confusing while trying to read it..Such as > Michael'll, ought'n, Seamus'll.
Pg. 16 - In the same scene, Pauline at one moment is kneading dough, then stops after placing it in the pot near the fire then goes to the spinning wheel, then after a few short conversations with Nora, "She continues kneading bread." - What happened here? She changed actions without being defined.
Once again, I like the plot. The story line is very interesting but it takes a long time into it before I actually understand what is going on. All and all, this script could use a little more touchups as well as some reconsiderations for choices of words.
Review of: Riders To The Sea
reviewed by shadesdown2001 on 07/27/2008
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