Keep at it.
I will say that I like the idea behind "The True Evil." The writing is free of typos and scenes move along at a nice pace. But there is a great deal of work to be done here.
That can only happen if you keep on writing, keep on reading well formatted screenplays, keep on studying the craft, and keep on reviewing here. All that is, of course, up to you. But here are a few notes I've made.
-I don't think it would hurt to download Celtx (for free!) and work with your screenplay in that program from now on. You've often got character headings at the end of one page and their dialogue spilling onto the next.
-You're misusing parentheticals.
JAMES
(walking towards the bed)
What’s the story with the pile of crap?
"Walking towards the bed" is an action line and should be written as such. This is closer to the correct use...
JENNIFER
(under her breath)
Oh shit.
And even then, they should be used sparingly.
-You character introductions read like casting notices. When we meet James, we can't tell that he's a father with a dead wife and a difficult relationship with his teenage daughter. That's the sort of thing that has to come out some other way...
-But not necessarily the way it's handled on Page 11, during James' first speech. Has anyone, anywhere ever said "I became incredibly cynical. Eventually, I just shut down emotionally." You can illustrate that he's cynical through his actions, you can (and elsewhere, have) illustrate his difficult relationship with his daughter. It's good to always keep in mind that you're bettering inferring and showing rather than just having your characters flat out tell you what's going on.
-I think you can give the audience a bit more credit. Most of them will know about things like the danger of air in the bloodstream or the Milgram experiment. You can get away with greatly condensing that sort of thing.
-Finally, I had a number of believability problems. The way James handled the entire situation is the best one to pick out. First, his daughter witnesses a kidnapping, and he leaves her at home unguarded? Then it comes out that he knew all along what was making Oliver tick. He knew his daughter would be his target just snapped all believability to me, even though she had the tracking device. And upon finding her dead, his first action is to read a letter that's been placed on her body?
As I said, I think there's a good story here, and hopefully you'll be able to maximize its potential. Everyone has a first screenplay, and everyone willing to put in the hard work will one day write a better second, third, fourth... Best of luck!
Other Reviews by J. O'Hanley
113
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I had fun with this! It had an inventive premise, lots of action, a good mix of heart and dark comedy. It ought to have a lot of appeal for the geeky twenty something media obsessed generation. (There are dozens of us…)
Tinseltown, Illinois managed to pull off a lot of tricky balancing acts. It's the kind of script in which the characters, and therefore the audience, accept...
I had fun with this! It had an inventive premise, lots of action, a good mix of heart and dark comedy. It ought to have a lot of appeal for the geeky twenty something media obsessed generation. (There are dozens of us…)
Tinseltown, Illinois managed to pull off a lot of tricky balancing acts. It's the kind of script in which the characters, and therefore the audience, accept very quickly that the MPAA is powerful and scary enough to openly send assassins after the people who cross them. And those assassins can be totally redeemed if they fall in love. And people keep on walking and talking, at least for a little while, if they have multiple bullets in them. The last scene does kind of blur the line about what's real and to what extent the "real" events happened, but we have to accept those things in the moment.
And at the same time, there has to be a bit of real heart to the whole thing. And I'll have a bit more to say about this later, but you do a good job of establishing Robby and Trina separately so it feels believable that they'd have chemistry later on. They really do keep things semi-grounded even as the insanity of the script escalates.
Aside from that, the script was well paced. It breezed right by, and the story was constantly building, even with the 120 page count. I thought there were quite a few funny moments, my favourites being "You have a fucking gun!" on Page 59 and "Except up the ass from Rocky" on 100. The shootout in the movie lobby/theatre would be great to see on screen too.
Any criticisms I have fall more within the realms of personal taste, so go right ahead and ignore this if you'd like. But I'm not a huge fan of monologues, and you've got a few of those. They totally work on film if you've got a cast that can pull them off, but they can look a tad indulgent on the page. And at this point, I'm pretty sick of the best friend character who constantly gets the protagonist in trouble but WAIT he's revealed to be an ok guy in the last few pages. Clive read like every single Kevin Smith sidekick that's ever existed.
And finally, I think you leaned on the fourth wall maybe just a bit too much. (I've totally indulged in meta humour too BTW… but I'm trying to change!) First you have Trina, the authority on all things film, explain that a good third act should be wall-to-wall action without any lulls, and that's what you set out to give us. And in the end, she spells out why she and Robby make such a good couple, but it seems like it's meant to be read as you congratulating yourself for writing a good couple that the audience has invested in. I just think that if you're going to be talking directly to the audience about things that have happened within the movie itself, it's far easier to take if you're more self deprecating. Talking to them about the things you feel you've done well (even if you have) can come across as smug. Or worse… CUTE.
(But lots of people like cute, I guess.)
Overall, I enjoyed the script a lot and I'd like to see it get to the screen (and the screen within the screen, and et cetera). Side note, I'm definitely going to watch Clash of the Titans soon. Best of luck!
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I really liked the vibe of what you've written here. The characters running around in the desert, chasing after money, puts images of No Country for Old Men into my mind. But it has the rhythms of a contemporary thriller, and quite a rollicking one at that. Fallman is incredibly to the point and economical with the way it's set up and executed. You whip us right through the...
I really liked the vibe of what you've written here. The characters running around in the desert, chasing after money, puts images of No Country for Old Men into my mind. But it has the rhythms of a contemporary thriller, and quite a rollicking one at that. Fallman is incredibly to the point and economical with the way it's set up and executed. You whip us right through the initial crime, the arrest, give us the people Fallman cares about, and the stakes of his family's financial situation. And then you're off, taking us through a series of violent setpieces that build on each other in intensity and violence. Really terrific job there.
Mark and Bill are our main characters, everybody just orbits them. Which probably how it should be in a cat and mouse flick as tightly paced as this. Fallman is a determined criminal protagonist who nevertheless has a decent moral barometer, and Bill is a totally monster, through and through. Mark's family, as well as Vivian and some other peripheral characters, are fleshed out enough for us to hope that they won't get killed in the crossfire. And the criminals Bill runs around with (some of whom don't get names) are there to backstab each other, keeping the tension and excitement level high in the scenes focused on the villains.
In fact, I really don't have much in terms of criticism. All I can really say is that as well executed and exciting as the story was, there weren't any really scenes where I went "WOW," upon reading a twist or a visual that I'd never seen before. It's really just a case where the script seemed to be aiming for a 8/10 or 9/10, and that's where it got. But who knows? I watched Dredd not long ago, and had I just read the script, I'd probably think it was well done but nothing innovative. And a director saw the best way to way to bring that story to life, and put something special on screen. There's every chance someone could do that with Fallman.
Ok, ONE nitpick is that Mark, despite seeming like a guy who didn't have a bad heart, maybe got off a little easier than he should have. Despite his intentions, he got back into a life of crime really quickly, he endangered everybody he cared about, and that gunshot wound make him seem like he was JUST hanging in there. By the end, I thought you were setting up a tragedy, in which a dying Mark, who would never be forgiven by his family or Vivian, who would never escape his criminal calling, was out to make things right with a final stand. And that was probably the character's intention, but it turned out REALLY well for him, all things considered. It wasn't really a cheat, given that the cop he saved in the opening let him go. We can assume that Mark had a number of difficult, offscreen conversations with his family, and it was a nice, realistic touch that Viv wasn't present at the end. But tonally, it almost seemed to be from a different movie. What if you gave us the same final scene of Mark's family back at their ranch with enough money to get by, minus Mark himself?
But I'm just spitballing. I really enjoyed reading this script, it was exciting and very well plotted. Good luck with it!
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Every now and then, I have to give a review that really doesn't offer that much beyond "It was a good read." Goblin Market is story that is intended to at various points be horrific, very visual, grounded in a human story of someone racing against time to save her lover. And I think the script succeeds at being what it wants to be.
There are a couple of buy-ins. One, you have...
Every now and then, I have to give a review that really doesn't offer that much beyond "It was a good read." Goblin Market is story that is intended to at various points be horrific, very visual, grounded in a human story of someone racing against time to save her lover. And I think the script succeeds at being what it wants to be.
There are a couple of buy-ins. One, you have to accept that this is a world pretty much like ours, except everyone accepts that goblins exist and go from town to town with their mysterious fruit. I was scratching my head a bit at first, but when I learned this was based on a poem with the same premise, I had less trouble with it. Second, you have to accept that there really no place for subtlety in this script. Over the top imagery and horror, big allusions to the Garden of Eden, crystal clear metaphors for drug addiction. Even the differences between Eliza and Laura is constantly highlighted in big, obvious ways. Eliza is very low key, Laura is highly exuberant.
Once you accept that this is an audacious script, it's very easy to get sucked in. I was worried we'd be in for a repetitive story involving Laura sneaking out for fruit as Eliza frets. But that played out as long as it needed to, culminating in the forceful party scene. And then the story easily shifted to Eliza setting out to save Laura, moving from one scary setpiece to the next. And it kept me involved all the way through. You may consider trimming a little just to bring "Goblin Market" under that magic (possibly arbitrary) 120 page mark, but I thought it earned its page count.
Pretty near every criticism I have comes up with regards to the third act. I did wonder if you took things a bit too far, especially with regards to Sam's rape of Laura. And her being cured by licking Eliza's naked body clean of rotting fruit... there's a nice idea behind that, sure, but I'm trying and failing to picture a way in which that doesn't come across as lewd on film. Overall, the script treads the line between horror and flat out exploitation towards the end. Exploitation has its place, sure, but is that where you want to take the story?
(Keep in mind, I'm someone who thought the baby killing scene was keeping with the tone of the script, but my eyebrows are being raised an offscreen rape and full frontal fruit licking. My opinion may be worth nothing.)
Second, why set up that the goblins return to devour their victims if you're not going to pay it off in the end? It all seems to be in place, you establish that the goblins may fear the humans in great numbers, may want to weaken their prey, you've got a wide array of supporting characters who have fallen under the fruit's influence. It all kind of falls away, and Sam is the only threat in the final scene. I think you could do a horrific finale that tops everything that came before, in which the Eliza and Laura have to escape as goblins tear apart the town and all the familiar faces meet their ends. Could be a great backdrop for the Eliza/Laura/Sam sequence. Or alternately, you could leave out the Mr. Hubert character and just not include that aspect of the goblin's M.O.
That aside, I was definitely into "Goblin's Market," it kept me engrossed from beginning to end and has nice cinematic potential. I hope you do well with it!
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