What a great premise for a story, a killer that asks his victims for a story before killing them. I really like the idea but I believe the story needs some work to equal the idea.
I’m going to fall back on the old idea to please “show don’t tell”. The reader is given a scene with characters but isn’t given a reason to care about either one. Why does the killer want a story before killing? The story suggests the killer knows about Robert preying on his daughter. If this is the case how does he know? Why does the killer care?
Watch your POV. The transition from the alley scene to Anna’s bedroom felt jarring and hard to follow. Having the story told by the victim could help.
I found some of your choices of words stiff and unnatural (i.e. “Your tainted soul... is now mine.”). I could see the word choices being more natural or giving the killer a background that supports this use of language. Either direction could work for this story.
I do feel you have a story in here. With some restructuring and character development I think it could be an interesting read.
Review of: Tell Me a Story
reviewed by Justwriting on 02/24/2011
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