Killing for a story
What a great premise for a story, a killer that asks his victims for a story before killing them. I really like the idea but I believe the story needs some work to equal the idea.
I’m going to fall back on the old idea to please “show don’t tell”. The reader is given a scene with characters but isn’t given a reason to care about either one. Why does the killer want a story before killing? The story suggests the killer knows about Robert preying on his daughter. If this is the case how does he know? Why does the killer care?
Watch your POV. The transition from the alley scene to Anna’s bedroom felt jarring and hard to follow. Having the story told by the victim could help.
I found some of your choices of words stiff and unnatural (i.e. “Your tainted soul... is now mine.”). I could see the word choices being more natural or giving the killer a background that supports this use of language. Either direction could work for this story.
I do feel you have a story in here. With some restructuring and character development I think it could be an interesting read.
Other Reviews by Justwriting
10
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Fun read. Great job in slowly revealing the characters relationship and the misunderstanding for the reason Mack comes to visit.
There were a lot of great sentences (e.g. He was still trying to grow that mustache, though at thirty-two it might be time to move on from that dream.)
Loved the use of the Hokey Pokey in the story. The image of the rink and the song endlessly playing...
Fun read. Great job in slowly revealing the characters relationship and the misunderstanding for the reason Mack comes to visit.
There were a lot of great sentences (e.g. He was still trying to grow that mustache, though at thirty-two it might be time to move on from that dream.)
Loved the use of the Hokey Pokey in the story. The image of the rink and the song endlessly playing not only help set the mood, but also help suggest the ongoing friction between Mack and Phil.
The only two things I thought could use some improvement.
1. Mack plunging the knife into Phil's neck and then treating is as a minor cut. As much as I like the image of the knife as a "perverted fashion statement" would serve the story better to keep the cut a cut and not a major wound.
2. I did not have a clear picture of what the automatic weapons looked liked. Not providing any details about the pistols look and feel make them come across as generic weapons. Maybe going in to the weight or how the weapon differed from Mack's preferred weapon would give the reader a little more insight to the character and make the situation even more realistic.
Great read.
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I think the structure of the story is interesting (use the short sentences and questions to indicate the time changes). However, I am having trouble seeing how the character’s memories are connected to his decision to rob the bank. Making a stronger connection between the character’s memories and the robbery would give the story the added cohesion it needs.
The part I liked...
I think the structure of the story is interesting (use the short sentences and questions to indicate the time changes). However, I am having trouble seeing how the character’s memories are connected to his decision to rob the bank. Making a stronger connection between the character’s memories and the robbery would give the story the added cohesion it needs.
The part I liked the best is the section with the interaction between the father and the main character. It felt the most natural and real.
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I think there are two stories here. Either idea by itself has the making of an interesting romantic story, however, together I think they end up confusing the reader. The first possible story is about the woman’s attraction to the warrior, and the second of the warrior running away from the battle and instead finding a renewed reason to go back.
I personally would have preferred...
I think there are two stories here. Either idea by itself has the making of an interesting romantic story, however, together I think they end up confusing the reader. The first possible story is about the woman’s attraction to the warrior, and the second of the warrior running away from the battle and instead finding a renewed reason to go back.
I personally would have preferred if the story were told from the warrior’s perspective. The beginning of the story would benefit from not knowing about the woman until he sees her. This way the reader would learn about the woman at the same time the warrior does. Just coming from a battle
I did have some questions about the story. How did the woman know this is the warrior songs were written about? Would an experienced warrior go back without a plan and without his armor? I'm unclear why the warrior is by himself if he intends to face the Wreck with his army. I don’t think these questions have yes or no answers so much as the reader just needs some justification why things are the way they are.
I liked your description of the Wreak as “a creature summoned from the well-springs of hell itself, built upon the souls of the dead for which it had slaughtered, raised up by the enemy to lead them into combat.”
It seems odd for a girl with little experience to tell a warrior about how to fight? Perhaps if she said something that showed her as a wise person earlier the inspiration the warrior receives from her would seem appropriate.
I feel by emphasizing the futility of fighting the Wreck a little more, and the warrior’s decision to go back despite the inevitable outcome is enough to get the idea he accepts his death without leaving his armor.
I certainly like the possibilities the story has, especially the direction of a soldier who has lost his way and finds renewed strength through a woman he meets. With some restructuring I think this has the making for a great story.
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