Plot: Fate throws a guy into a journey. This is a familiar plot but works well because a journey means we the reader will be asking, "what happens next?". Nice choice for this story too, because the main character is on a journey of self-discovery.
Character: Not bad. The wholeness of each character is not very deeply explored though. I like the way you write, it puts the reader at ease, and your characters are telling us about other characters in dialogue via conflict, which is good. But the situations don't go to the deep core of human experience. This being a comedy, we don't expect that, but that is what sets really good comedies apart. They do make it to the deep core of their characters.
Dialogue: Kinda of on the nose the whole way through, though I like the vernacular. The best way to avoid on the nose dialogue is to provide completely outlandish situations, which, you've leaned toward in certain places, such as stealing the ferrari. Other scenes are so similar to things we've seen before, anything they could possibly say in a diner is most likely something we've heard before, unless your situation is way out there, like the opener of Pulp Fiction, which is Fantastic dialogue in an ordinary location, fueled by the way out robbery about to occur.
Structure: Simple, but effective. They need to get the truck somewhere, so we get to see them go from place to place.
Market: The recent movie Wild Hogs hit the same market you're shooting for, which is a great target, the over 30 under sixty crowd of husband and wife movie date. City Slickers captured this audience as well and that is a sure money maker audience. You'll need to change the comedy aspects and some character back story to focus more on the common story of 30-60 year olds, but you'll make money if you do.
Number of stars out of Five: 3
Hollywood or Low Budget? Which market are you in? This could be done low budget. Some crashes will be tough to film cheaply, but try to find an indie filmmaker for this one and sell them the 30-60 Wild Hogs marketing pitch.
What’s the appeal? The guy needs a girl. And he needs to grow a set of cojones. That's enough appeal. Where does the story fail? The comedy is not anywhere near speedy enough. We need a joke every couple seconds. This script currently reminds me of Planes, Trains and Automobiles within the relationships, but that movie didn't have enough jokes either. It was a character study. A damn good one, but that's not gonna get this made. This needs some outlandish stuff, since we're dealing with the trucker crowd.
Does the pace fit? Yes! The pace is great. Nice work on that.
What can we cut? Cut a few of the scenes in diners and add some really creative scenes that you wouldn't normally find in a road-trip movie. Some stationary scenes are needed. Have them get holed up in a Farmhouse or go on a TV game show.
How much white is on the page? Enough. This was a two hour read, so a little trimming could help, but all in all, not bad.
Does it inspire me to read on? Almost, it doesn't beg me to stop reading. Mostly I wanted to finish reading so I could write this review. Make me want to see how every next scene unfolds and make me hungry to read it all the way to the end.
What is unique in the premise? There are points in this that are almost horror movie-esque. That's fairly unique in a comedy, but you didn't capitalize on it. Maybe there is some real horror going on having to do with the special truck? Maybe you can bring the horror to mean something later.
Why tell this story? Because we need to find out what is important in our lives and live for that, not all the other fluff, and this story is trying to remind us of that.
Other Reviews by gozira 11
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