First of all, disclaimers: I’m not by any means a devotee of werewolves, vampires, rampaging prehistoric beasts, bloodsuckers or any of that jazz. But I thought what the hell, it’s good to get reviews from a full cross-section of readers; let’s give it a whirl. So please take my comments in the context of that knowledge.
I’m not quite sure what to make of this one. Comedy horror is a pretty tough nut to crack, and here I think you’ve made a good attempt at it. In some areas I’d score this script highly. The dialogue is nice and lean; the style suited to the characters; exposition for the most part deftly carried along through information which the characters reveal. In characterisation, you’ve done a good job with the aptly-named Milton Kipper. We immediately are drawn to his cack-handed, gormless personality and it gives a lot of scope for comedy while at the same time retaining our affection for him as a loveable buffoon. There are some wonderful comic touches in Milton’s behaviour which keep us involved in the story.
Annie is an interesting portrait of a woman with some peculiar personality traits, and Stacie is suitably enigmatic as the girl with secrets to hide. Margaret on the other hand is something of a cardboard cut-out who just seems to be evil for no apparent reason. I think you need to give her more of a backstory, dig a bit deeper into her relationship with her husband and daughter, to make her believable. At the moment, she’s just over the top. The sorority girls too could do with some nuances of personality – they’re all basically slutty slags. Give us more of a reason to at least feel a bit sorry for them.
Story and structure are the areas where I think you’ve got work to do. I’ll take them together because they seem intertwined to me.
Now you’ll have to make allowances because I’m notoriously thick when it comes to following storylines, so I’ve probably missed all sorts of clues. But the story doesn’t seem to make sense to me. Firstly I’m assuming that Stacie has been ‘experimented’ on by Professor Oval at some point in the past, when she says, ‘I hunted, I mated’. So Oval has changed her from wolf into human, just like he did with Gray. This is what gives her a telepathic connection with Gray, and also what enabled her to help Milton find the ‘blood bath’ killer. But how then does she manage to have a human mother (Margaret) and lead a normal life with friends as a university student?
Who is ‘The Figure’? Does it just exist in her dreams? Presumably not, since we see it clearly (page 11) and this is presumably the killer which has previously ‘strangled all those chicks’. This backstory is rather irritatingly only semi-revealed to us. Milton says that he’d made a promise to Stacie, but couldn’t keep it because ‘he was defenseless. I couldn’t
pull the trigger’. So what happened? Did the killer get away? Presumably not, because we’re told that the murders were solved. What does the Figure mean when he mentions something about four hundred and twenty-three days? We’re never told.
What about Stacie’s stepfather in all this? The stepfather plays a part in the story, being the object of Margaret’s scorn, and also, it would seem, he casts more than a few lustful glances in Stacie’s direction (page 38) – but we never see him. Is it possible, then, that he is The Figure of her dreams? And if he isn’t, why do you generate so much dialogue about a character who never appears?
So there just seem to be too many loose ends which don’t come together. I know that not everything will be ‘logical’ when the script is in a supernatural setting, but the basic storyline should be – in fact, must be – valid to achieve the effect you need.
As regards the pacing, it seems to me that you reveal your hand too soon. We see the first metamorphosis on page 7 and you then show the killing of the three kids in explicit detail. I reckon that for the sake of building up the tension you could show essentially the same information, but merely suggest it rather than display it. Also it doesn’t help your structure, since you’ve pretty much shot your bolt by page 10, leaving you with no effective turning-point to take you into Act 2. So yes, I’d agree with your post-script comment, and hopefully you could use this to help tie up some of those loose ends.
Although I do like the raccoon joke! But you could have that somewhere else in the script.
Your suggestion of a ‘g-spot’ I’m not so sure about. I think there are a few other unanswered questions to be dealt with before you add any more complications!
Other reading notes:
1 It seems a bit unlikely that an academic boffin like Oval would be able to track down and shoot a wolf – especially in darkness.
12 We meet Jennifer and Jason. It seems at first that these two are going to be major characters, but they disappear from the story quite early. A bit strange.
14 In human form now, Gray Wolf kneels at the water’s edge...
So he changes form at will? It’s often not very clear in the script what form Gray is currently appearing in. A little bit more detail would make a big difference.
17/18 Good set-up of Milton’s character. Also a good comic scene with Gray ‘talking’.
23 ELI I forgot to tell you about the others, didn’t I?
27 I like the comedy with the sign of the cross.
34 The bondage between Annie and Phillip is a quirky little touch. I think you could usefully find a bigger role for Phillip later the script.
75 INT. STACIE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT It was day a minute ago; now it’s night?
81 That was a stupid thing to say. I hope someone isn’t really-
VOICE (on phone, blood curdling)AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! MILTON Shit.
I do like that one.
85 He plays Russian roulette with Oval. Now this doesn’t quite ring true. Firstly it’s a jump out of character for Milton. We lose that loveable buffoon image and suddenly he’s not so likeable. Secondly, Oval would never hold out that long – he’d be crapping himself from the word go. I think you need to come up with something a bit less stark.
102 She nestles into him as he lays his head back down. So what happens to Gray? Apparently he dies, but I only know that from your notes at the end.
104 The Bloodbath Killer disappears. I know, I’m thick, but I don’t really follow what’s supposed to be happening here.
Typos, spelling, boring stuff...
14 ...jumps back immediatEly. ?? You seem to have an errant E on your keyboard.
19 Mornin’, Ely! Ely stares straight ahead, bug-eyed.
Ely’s spelling seems to interchange throughout the script.
25 These prints aren’t the right shape...
28 Finish busing those tables... busing??
40 Margaret merely...
45 If she’s what you want...
50 Maybe he’s an epiclectic. ??? Epileptic?
70 putting her through the wringer...
78 Ely addresses the crowd.
78 PAN to reveal five bloodied wolf carcasses... We haven’t seen them before. Omit ‘the’.
82 ... nearly hurls at the sight.
87 ... having no idea what to do.
94 I think you owe her an answer.
100 STACIE (sternly)Damn it, Milton.
Anyway that’s all I’ve got. I do think you’ve got a very appealing comic style, and good luck with any re-writes.
Review of: HUMANIMAL (2nd rev)
reviewed by Rfordyce on 10/16/2011
Review ID: 3981004
Other Reviews by Rfordyce 124
A review of HyperGraphiaby Rfordyce on 08/10/2014‘Hypergraphia’ is a very professional screenplay and I enjoyed it immensely. I don’t think the concept is entirely new, but this has a very surreal mood and a storyline which buzzes around your head like a swarm of bees. I love Martin’s fragile grasp of reality, his erudite speech patterns and his erratic thought processes. Just to savour his wordplay and autistic tendency... ‘Hypergraphia’ is a very professional screenplay and I enjoyed it immensely. I don’t think the concept is entirely new, but this has a very surreal mood and a storyline which buzzes around your head like a swarm of bees. I love Martin’s fragile grasp of reality, his erudite speech patterns and his erratic thought processes. Just to savour his wordplay and autistic tendency (surely he must be at least partly autistic?) would in itself be worth the trouble of reading this script. But it has so much more to offer than that. It’s a film noir, it’s a detective whodunnit, it’s a psychological thriller, but most of all it’s a script which has the potential to become a box-office success.
The characters are all distinctive and well-drawn. Each has their own recognisable voice. The story rattles forward at a fairly frenetic pace and grabs our attention throughout, but information is only revealed gradually to pile extra layer upon layer of mystery. Good job.
I think it would be presumptive to say that I completely understand the outcome of this convoluted storyline, but it might be in order to accept it for what it is – a product of Martin’s fragile mental state. I think I’m right in saying that we never actually see any on-screen killings, except in the final bust-up when Martin kills Richardson and is in turn shot by the Redheaded woman – so that scene is presumably a product of his own fevered imagination, since we then immediately see him talking to the Three Men in the final scene. An ending like that would normally give rise to loud howls of protest from the ‘It Was All Just A Dream’ huddle of critics who maintain that it’s the death-knell of any script. Whatever, schmatever – I think this script is entertaining enough to survive that criticism. It’s a statement that our life can’t be viewed through the single lens of our own consciousness – our life impinges on other people and we have to look through their lenses as well.
Anyway, enough of the psychobabble. I’m never comfortable with that (British, you see). There are elements in the script which could be improved. As much as I love Martin’s unique poetic dialogue, I think you rather over-egg the pudding with it sometimes. It feels like you enjoy writing the dialogue so much that you sometimes neglect other aspects of the script. At 118 pages some of it could be gently trimmed, and you could use the space gained to build up the film noir tone. I’m thinking of instances like the scene on page 69, although the same comments could apply to many other parts of the story:
“Martin aggressively shakes the desk in front of him, startling Dr. Maravich and causing her lamp to fall to the floor.”
This scene should be a big atmospheric moment, where you leave the audience wondering about the true state of Martin’s mind. Use the lamp to greater effect. Imagine shadows falling around their faces, their movements. Imagine creepy music playing on screen. Give it a bit more edge. So you could have something like:
INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE - NIGHT
A single desk lamp illuminates the room. Dr Maravitch watches Martin pacing back and forth.
And what do you think is the most logical explanation for that?
Half of Martin’s face is in shadow. He hesitates, shrugs his shoulders.
Martin aggressively thumps the desk. The LAMP falls to the floor and goes out. Darkness.
A few seconds of SILENCE, and then:
Martin switches the lamp back on.
I don’t think that I should see you anymore.
Don’t just have the lamp falling; make it go out. Plunge the room into darkness; play around with it.
The continuous alliteration in your dialogue sometimes drifts into your description lines as well, e.g. –
A frumpy, flimsy British man…
Lee lazily greets…
There’s nothing wrong with this in principle but it may distract the reader’s attention from focusing on the actual content of the words. Unless you think it’s necessary, I’d remove it.
Other reading notes:
1 No title page!?
1 A little more description would be good, e.g. – is there a desk? What does Martin look like? And as regards the Three Men, I know you’re playing for mystery and tension, and I think your decision not to name them, to keep them faceless, is a good one. But a few more clues would be helpful. At the very least, describe what will be seen on screen. Does it suggest a police station? A psychiatric unit? A meeting hall?
3 INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE - DAY Martin sits across from Dr. Maravich.
Might be better to use LATER to emphasise that it’s a different scene from the one before.
6 Show me the fucking baby.
Nice nod to ‘Jerry McGuire.’
7 MARTIN This is the last book in the series, Jerry.
On a slightly pedantic note, it seems unlikely that movie producers would be waiting to see the finished product if it’s a series of books. If they like the first books enough, the movie would get made anyway. Maybe make it that the producer has seen extracts from an uncompleted book, and is eagerly awaiting the finished product.
16 I assume that at this point, and other instances throughout the script, we go into freeze-frame or something of that ilk. It would be good to show this in your formatting, e.g. –
...and sees DETECTIVE RICH RICHARDSON, a hard-nosed, middle-aged man.
May I help you?
Yes, I’m –
DETECTIVE RICHARDSON IN FREEZE-FRAME:
This is Detective Rich Richardson................................................. Never mind that. I’m rambling.
BACK TO SCENE
...Detective Rich Richardson. I want…
21 It gives me an opportunity to say gazoontite. It’s my third favourite word in the English language.
‘Gesundheit’ is actually a German expression so I assumed you were playing ironic in some way here. Maybe you want to check it out.
44 You’ve really got me on the ropes, here. HA! HA!
47 Detective Richardson hands Martin an urn.
A bit unlikely – where was he hiding it?
53 Your visit the other day threw me for a loop.
It’s a lot longer than ‘the other day.’ Martin had time to grow a substantial beard!
66 It’s your handwriting. And it’s dated two years ago.
We need some clearer evidence of this – a written date on the manuscript, for instance.
83 Just a small stylistic point you should watch out for: you tend to repeat characters’ names too much in blocks of description, e.g. – “Martin dashes across the room ... Martin immediately goes to the fan fiction site... Martin begins to read it aloud...” Try to vary the style so that it doesn’t become repetitive.
I go see Gary.
Several new characters are introduced late in the script – a practice normally frowned on by screenwriter scribblers. I don’t have a problem with it here, because the story is strong enough to carry it, but just thought I’d mention it.
90 I like the scene with the biker and the monkey – very surreal.
The bribe accepted by the DMV worker seems a little unlikely – I assume it’s a highly regulated organisation. See if you can come up with a better idea.
103 Suddenly Martin hears cop SIRENS.
Would the police have sirens blaring if they were on a secretive mission? Might be more effective if they simply appear without warning.
115 Martin frees his hands, reaches for his gun, points it at Detective Richardson...
The suspension of disbelief is broken here. There’s been no mention of the gun. Richardson would surely have searched him. And yet it’s suddenly there in Martin’s hands at the critical moment. I’m sure you can come up with a better narrative.
Typos, grammar, etc:
18 Hypergraphia, a disorder...
18 ... picks up a book off Martin’s bookshelf.
20 Yes, Mary Pickett.
47 Detective Richardson hands Martin an urn.
58 ... and fumbles it on to the floor.
63 ... If you ever need anything taxidermied,..
81 Martin sits in a dark room...
115 Detective Richardson stops singing; he cocks the hammer...
Thanks for this enjoyable read. A few more polishes, and I think you could have a winner here. Best of luck with it!
by Rfordyce on 08/03/2014Let’s start with the good stuff. You’ve got a nice concept here: a kindergarten sleuth who inhabits his own world but pulls everyone around him into it. A tale of unrequited love involving a cynical femme fatale; a friendship which turns sour and is then reclaimed; a father-son relationship which starts off in hero-worship but runs into troubled waters; and a hoodlum who... Let’s start with the good stuff. You’ve got a nice concept here: a kindergarten sleuth who inhabits his own world but pulls everyone around him into it. A tale of unrequited love involving a cynical femme fatale; a friendship which turns sour and is then reclaimed; a father-son relationship which starts off in hero-worship but runs into troubled waters; and a hoodlum who turns out to be Mr Nice Guy after all. All of these ingredients are familiar enough to movie-goers, but set within the parameters of five-year-old make-believe games they provide a promising mixture.
That said, it’s by no means an easy task to write this sort of story. You have to get the tone right and it has to be funny. It’s a detective story but violence is pretty much out of the question if your characters are five - six years old and you’re aiming for the family film market. Sex is a no-no. Strong language isn’t appropriate. To add to all those obstacles, you’re playing for comedy. Comedy’s very difficult to write at the best of times because everyone’s taste is different. When you pile on a whole raft of other restrictions, it’s not going to be an easy ride. I suppose the watchword is that to get the laughs you have to play it deadpan. The characters have to look and sound exactly like detectives / femme fatales / hoodlums, etc and they have to take themselves very seriously. So a lot of the comedy is going to be visual - Rocky blowing bubbles instead of smoking cigarillos, a Hopscotch challenge instead of a knife-fight. But the only tools we have for showing visual comedy are the printed words we use in a screenplay. Not easy!
I suppose the obvious benchmark to use for this sort of thing is ‘Bugsy Malone’, which was very successful. But that film is a musical, which puts it in a different idiom. The basic premise is also significantly different, in that the children in ‘Bugsy’ are actually playing grown-up parts, whereas in your story it remains make-believe.
I think you’ve made a great attempt at this, but after the initial comical idea of the baby detective has been set up (and you do that skilfully), I didn’t really feel that the comedy was coming through. To be fair, I’m sure a lot of this would play better visually on screen. But my main concern is that ultimately the storyline is too thin to carry the weight. A lot of the script feels as if it’s been padded out to reach 90+ pages. Now I must confess that I’ve never actually seen Bugsy Malone, but I believe there’s a lot more going on in the story than a group of kids falling out over the theft of a necklace. And that’s possibly where you need to reconsider things. At the moment it seems like everything’s centred on what happens inside one little classroom, whereas there would be a lot more energy in the story if the kids were placed in other environments - the streets, a football game, a night club, a hairdressers, whatever.
I’m not convinced about the use of Rocky’s voice-over throughout the script. A lot of the time it doesn’t seem to be contributing anything we don’t already know, as for instance: ‘It's like my whole world is crumbling around me. First the news with my dad, then I find out my best friend has betrayed me and I have lost the girl of my dreams.’ We already know all this. Also, I assume that it remains as ‘a deep, grizzly, adult voice’ throughout the story, which hints that we’re actually listening to a grown-up version of Rocky in later life. Not sure if that works...
Please remember these are just my personal reactions. Like I say, comedy is very much a matter of taste, and your star rating looks quite good, so maybe it’s just me.
Other reading notes:
1 Set in Black and White with small amounts of color mixed in.
Does this apply to the whole film, or just the opening sequence? There’s no indication.
8 I don’t think the roll-call of names for the whole class serves a useful purpose. Maybe just pick out one or two who have speaking parts.
16 MITCH (V.O.)
I think the V.O. isn’t strictly correct - should be (filtered), or alternatively use INTERCUT and switch back and forth between Rocky and Mitch.
25 I wouldn’t think you’d want to show the whole Hopscotch challenge; it would take up too much screen time. You can just show highlights, building up the tension.
35 The last place left is by stinky Dave.
If Dave’s stinkiness is a plot requirement I think you need to set it up somehow; show or hint at it earlier.
Is a whole class of children allowed to take a communal nap as part of their school day? I’m sure it doesn’t happen in Britain but it may be different in Chicago. And the schoolteacher isn’t allowed to leave her class unattended - especially not to take a personal phone call!
36 It would be difficult to show enough visible detail for what you need here, through a ‘pebble-glass’ window. I’d think a more viable option would be to show close ups of a HAND rummaging around, pulling out the NECKLACE, etc. while we can see the rest of the class asleep.
52 Are the POVs necessary?
59-60 This section feels very much like padding.
61 This exchange doesn’t seem to make sense. ‘I guess if I were you I'd think the same thing’ is a straight statement, so why would Rocky reply, ‘What's that supposed to mean?’
65 Rocky and Mitch make up. Again, the story seems a bit thin here. Their fall-out should be a major obstacle - but after a short period they just decide to be friends again.
67-68 The montage of Rocky and Mitch having good times seems out of place here - there’s no obvious lead-in to it.
68 Why is Christopher still studying if he’s been turned down for promotion? Indeed this plotline feels unresolved - there should be some sort of happy ending for Christopher’s ambitions, but there isn’t.
81 Wow, you must have really wanted a moment alone with me.
This line appears three times. Maybe you need to look at the structure of the sequence with the radio mike - it doesn’t seem to flow smoothly.
Typos, punctuation, grammar, etc. Where you see MULT.(iple) it’s an issue that occurs several times:
1 The streets come to life.
1 . . . perfectly pressed blue police uniform, a burn scar on his neck, sits behind. . .
1 ... backup's on its way. MULT.
1 Christopher puts the radio down, gets a steely look. . .
2 . . .a near empty kid’s bottle of milk...
3 ...middle class, likable, . . . and ready for the day, pops in.
8 Kindergarten’s own supermodel.
8 ...a moment’s glance.
10 He coolly kicks his legs...
10 She melts, going gaga...
11 Wait, it is potatoes?
13 He hops on it and pedals...
13 Bobby's tire runs over the jump rope and he tumbles off...
14 That was very impressive, you two.
15 ... and unholsters his two squirt guns.
18 How was your day, sweetie? MULT.
19 ... on his way up the stairs.
20 Lance coolly struts away.
21 ... sticks his tongue out...
24 ... tosses his pebble on the #1 square.
31 But he couldn’t care less. MULT.
31 Right after my second birthday he came upon ...
36 ... creeps back to the mats...
37 I hope that's all they’re doing.
43 You guys are my heroes!
53 What are you talking about? I just got here.
53 ... two champagne glasses in hand.
60 ... like you've been through the wringer.
70 ...none too pleased...
72 VALLERY (angrily)
86 But, I gave this to you.
87 Vallery looks on, stomps her feet...
89 Don't ‘but mom’ me.
91 Lance stands in front...
That’s all from me. Hope some of these notes are useful, and good luck with it. read
A review of World On A String -graphic draftby Rfordyce on 05/23/2014‘World on a String’ is certainly one of the most ambitious scripts I’ve read on TS. Everything about it is on a massive scale. The concept hinges on nothing less than the possible destruction of not just one nation, not just the population of Planet Earth, but the possible demise of our whole solar system. Set in the distant future, your story creates a complete sci-fi realisation... ‘World on a String’ is certainly one of the most ambitious scripts I’ve read on TS. Everything about it is on a massive scale. The concept hinges on nothing less than the possible destruction of not just one nation, not just the population of Planet Earth, but the possible demise of our whole solar system. Set in the distant future, your story creates a complete sci-fi realisation of a possible environment and our state of being in a world yet to come. The story is bold and action-packed; the characters are vivid, and your language tries, in lyrical style, to describe unfamiliar and challenging ideas. For ambition alone, you deserve top score. You’ve put a ton of work into this, and for that you should be applauded. Few spec writers would take on such a hefty project. I’m sure you realise that this would cost megabucks to finance, so getting it past a studio reader would be the greatest challenge.
For all its ambition however I find it a very difficult read. I’m not sure what you’re expecting in terms of feedback. You obviously know your way around screenplay conventions (I had a quick look at your other submissions) so you must be aware that what you’ve uploaded here is in the style of a shooting script rather than a reader’s script. I suppose that the tag of ‘Graphic Draft’ which you’ve assigned is a hint in this direction. But I’m a bit puzzled about why you’d upload a shooting script, which normally only comes into play after (1) a producer has optioned the script (2) it’s been dismantled and reassembled numerous times to make it production-ready (3) actors, crew and locations have been painfully assembled, and (4) funding for zillions of dollars has been sourced. I’m assuming that this is still a spec script (if not, then congratulations, because dammit, you’re well on the way to being very wealthy!) so your prime concern is to get a thumbs-up from any reader who exerts some sort of influence.
In its present state that would be very difficult. Quite apart from the megabucks required, the fact that you’re trying to describe a very unfamiliar sci-fi environment, coupled with numerous camera directions, VOs, PRE-LAPs, CHAN/CALL conventions, FINDs, etc makes it a bit of a slog for the average reader (and I’m definitely one of those). Just a couple of examples, from early in the script:
Page 4 Why is Rabaan’s face hidden from us the first time we hear him? It makes things confusing for the audience and nothing seems to be gained by it. Indeed it’s not obvious to the audience that Rabaan is Chan’s son. You imply this for the reader, because you give Rabaan the same surname JAREL in your description lines. But the cinema audience, whom you’re ultimately telling the story to, can’t see the description lines; you have to convey information to them by some other means. This is an issue that occurs throughout the script.
Pages 7-9 I find the VOs in this sequence confusing, especially with other VOICES also included in the dialogue. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out who was talking to whom, and where. Now, I quite agree that if it ever got into production, a director may well choose to film it as you’ve written it; but on the page it just adds layers of unnecessary complexity. In a spec script I think you’d be much better just to show a montage of Nico searching among the garbage; immediately followed by the scene in the warehouse with Nico and August. How a director then chooses to film it is their decision.
In terms of storyline, I have to admit that a lot of the plot doesn’t quite make sense to me. I’m not sure how the Apex developed the powers which they possess, which basically seem to derive from their crowns (or is it circlets? – you seem to use the terms haphazardly). We’re told that Gabriel ‘made the first crown’ but what was his motivation? Why is he hibernating in a cryo-tank anyway? And if that’s part of his master-plan, why does he seem so surprised at everything that happens to him?
Where has the ‘Brain’ come from? Has it been engineered by Gabriel, or mankind, or has it evolved differently? Who or what are the ‘Golden Eyes?’ Whose will are they obeying? Gabriel’s? The Titans? I don’t know where the Titans have come from, or indeed what their intentions are: do they simply cruise the universe chomping up planets at random, or do they have a deeper raison d’etre? Who or what is the ultimate villain in this story? I know that to a large extent the antagonist is mankind itself, enmeshed in constant war, avarice and petty ambition. But as it stands (and no doubt I’ve missed clues along the way, so apologies in advance) the central conflict in this story seems a bit fragmented.
Much of the description, especially in the vital opening sequences, is difficult for the reader to visualise. I realise this is a common stumbling block in sci-fi scripts, and a reader should make allowances for it, but then, you also need to make life a little easier for the reader. Just a few examples:
‘Bright lettering and videos smother the world, facing inward. Sky ads for the people on the surface.’
Difficult to visualise.
What do you mean by an ‘Orbital Castle?’
‘A crown of gold alloy and gorilla glass.’
I wasn’t familiar with the term ‘gorilla glass.’ I am now, having researched it, but again, difficult to visualise.
‘…on a purple-lit FLYER with the top down…’
Needs more detail. Just calling something a ‘flyer’ doesn’t give us much to go on.
‘A high ceiling above and Earth’s wild skylights open underneath.’
What’s a skylight?
‘A laser from Chan’s flyer erases the face of a man we’ll come to know as Gabriel.’
Very difficult to follow what’s going on here. Does the face belong to the statue? Or is it somewhere else? And it belongs to a character we haven’t even seen yet?
‘INT. GABRIEL’S SHIP - PLANET HIGHWAY – DAY’
What’s Planet Highway – the name of the ship? Or something else?
Then there’s the matter of:
I’m sure you know what’s meant by unfilmables. Things a writer puts on paper which are difficult, or impossible, for a director to show on screen, e.g. – thoughts running through someone’s mind; exposition which is simply written in your description rather than in action or dialogue on screen, etc. We all try to get away with them, and sometimes we succeed, but if they proliferate it can feel as if we’re reading a novel, not a screenplay. Examples:
6 Gabriel survived a lifetime to see what’s laid out in front of him through that window.
24 Leetz puts a hand on Chan’s shoulder. His face says what he dares not to say out loud. This is why we can’t trust them.
20 And for the first time, Nico is seeing an Apex act like a person and not a god.
45 Payche, eyes closed, agonizing, still processing what happened to Rabaan.
57 Nico scoots over a seat, wondering if that was Rabaan’s chair or something.
64 He’s been genuinely lonely out here.
There are plenty more, but I don’t want to labour the point.
Other reading notes:
3 It’s addressed to us by name. And to Qel.
There’s a problem with the character Qel. He’s referred to several times in the story, and is obviously important to the plot, but we never actually see him. It’s just my personal opinion, but I think there’s always a risk with that scenario because the audience subconsciously expects to meet the character at some point, and feel vaguely cheated when they don’t. I assume that Qel was Payche’s father but this isn’t made absolutely clear.
Put your crown on. You people are impossible to get a hold of.
Who does he mean by ‘You people?’
18 She kicks an invisible MUTE BOX-- ???
26 Where’s the poor fuck with Rabaan’s circlet?
Crown or circlet? Is there a difference?
63 Payche and Nico have to dodge a barrage of artillery fire. But where’s it coming from? I thought Yeree and the workers on the Moon were friendly?
64 Payche smiles sadly at his condition and embraces her brother.
Yeree is her brother? I thought he was Leetz’s son?
How is Rabaan?
Not sure if the meaning of ‘sotto’ is widely understood.
126 It takes Rabaan a second to recognize the brother he hasn’t seen in so many years.
Yeree and Rabaan are brothers?
Grammar, punctuation, etc:
Fairly clean. Just a couple of annoying habits (?!*)…
a. The ubiquitous OFF OF, e.g. – 2 ‘He drags his crown off of the counter.’ You don’t need the second ‘of.’
b. Missing commas, especially before a name, e.g. –
5 ...it can be dangerous, Rabaan.
27 Nico’s eyes flick from Apex to Apex...
32 I need to see whose side you’re on.
44 He’s no Hunter.
47 That’s the brain, isn’t it?
49 Leetz’s catwalk abruptly drops to Nico’s level and he swaggers over.
49 Let the boy train first, Leetz.
56 ..and the little robot unfolds…
59 Payche slides the hatch open…
69 Though you’re becoming less and less useful.
Connor, you probably think I’m being hyper-critical here, and maybe you’re right. There’s a terrific story to be told here, But I think you need to do some serious work to mould it into a form which can be industry-ready. Then all you need to do is persuade somebody to finance it! But congratulations on making the attempt, and I wish you well with it. read
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