The Senator follows Senator Raymond, a right-wing, publicly-in-the-closet gay Senator who is on the fast track to national notoriety. He has Reverend Johnson, a renowned TV preacher, on his side, and even meets with the weirdo president before delivering a speech at the Republican national convention. When the Senator's lies begin to unravel, big money people are affected, and kidnap him, threatening him and his family.
This was a pretty quick read, and you do a nice job with the biggest satirical elements of style. P.A.N.D.E.R. was pretty funny and the gospel-dome made me laugh out loud. Titan industries, etc...these details are here for sure.
But the meat of the story missed the mark for satire, for me. Satirical comedies have to have almost every element exaggerated. The one that comes to mind is Dr. Strangelove, where everyone is crazy. In The Senator, Reverend Johnson is evil and the president is a rambling weirdo, that's about it. Raymond's family is pretty vanilla and real, David is a nice guy, even the kidnappers toward the end really blended into the woodwork.
I never knew exactly what Raymond really wanted. I saw that he liked David, but he's kind of a jerk to him. He's not completely bought into the family stuff, but he rides that line for the majority of the story. I think it would help an audience if you can early on have it become apparent what Raymond wants, then make him struggle for it against all of the strange forces in the story world.
And that sort of flows into my next note, which is that the kidnapping didn't make a lot of sense to me. I think that if you had built a truly satire world throughout, then I could have gone along with what seemed to me to be a random decision on the Reverend's part to have Raymond kidnapped. (And also, I thought it was a bit of a cop out to just call the police. I feel like in real life, that 911 call would be met with a scoff, a laugh, and a hang-up.)
Finally, I would have liked to have seen more pages devoted to the latch-gate fallout. For me, this is the most dramatic part of the story, but it gets skimmed over with a montage. I want to see everyone reacting...what does David do, what does Raymond say to his family. What does the Reverend say to his congregation, his higher-ups.
The story read smoothly and did keep me engaged, I just had a hard time imagining this getting produced with such straight characters. But thanks for a good read.
Review of: The Senator
reviewed by jakenp on 12/28/2011
Other Reviews by jakenp 79
A review of Vengeanceby jakenp on 02/07/2012Vengeance explores the classic Western premise of "main character is avenging someone's death." In this story, it is Chuck avenging his fathers. His sidekick Joe is around (with a twist at the end) and he is close with a family that keeps horses. He falls for the daughter in that family. Your story structure is actually pretty good. The twist at the end is competent. But... read
A review of FLOOD OF TEARSby jakenp on 02/04/2012Flood of Tears is the story of a British man who is caught in the Thailand during the tragic tsunami which occurred several years back. He goes there on a vacation that his family got for him and has a romance with a woman there who is reminiscent of (or actually) a childhood memory. The tragedy prompts him to finally grieve his deceased daughter, and reconnect with his ex-wife... read
A review of SENIOR DISCOUNTSby jakenp on 01/29/2012Senior Discounts is a comedy that follows Saul, a successful scumbag NY lawyer. He wants to get away from a cheating fiancee and sees a news story about a sinkhole and decides to buy a house in Florida and hope for the investment to appreciate. When he arrives at his new home, he realizes it is located in a retirement community. Your concept sets up a lot of comedic potential... read