Other Reviews by rmahler 98

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  Blackout review
  A review of Blackout.com
  by rmahler on 12/19/2008
  This was an interesting concept that made for a good read. I think the dialog needed work to make it more natural and you might want to think of more ways to make the script more visual and less dialog driven, but the concept itself is solid. I'm not sure that I understand what you were trying to accomplish with the ending on the bus though. Why does Jamal fake his death?... This was an interesting concept that made for a good read. I think the dialog needed work to make it more natural and you might want to think of more ways to make the script more visual and less dialog driven, but the concept itself is solid. I'm not sure that I understand what you were trying to accomplish with the ending on the bus though. Why does Jamal fake his death? What's the significance of that? Also, though I thought it was important to show the impact of the website, I thought it was way too convenient that it directly impacted Jerrod's life. It's just too coincidental. I think it might be more realistic and just as effective for a boy to die because of the website and for them to fell guilt over it. It doesn't have to be a brother for them to feel guilt, and in fact that may make a much stronger statement anyway. That they are responsible for the death of a stranger would and should haunt them. Anyway, overall this was a great and clever idea. The script itself had a few typos here and there and you need to work on your formatting for Montages and Series of Shots, but other than that it was pretty clean. Good job!
  
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  Uplifting
  A review of Principles of Buoyancy
  by rmahler on 12/13/2008
  Overall, this was a well-wrought script. The goal is clear cut from the start and the obstacles are well constructed for the protagonist to overcome. One minor mistake is that you attribute Ode to Joy to Bach (it's from Beethoven's 9th). I do have a few things that I think need addressing. First of all, I think you set up a very good conflict for Albert, but in a way he... Overall, this was a well-wrought script. The goal is clear cut from the start and the obstacles are well constructed for the protagonist to overcome. One minor mistake is that you attribute Ode to Joy to Bach (it's from Beethoven's 9th). I do have a few things that I think need addressing. First of all, I think you set up a very good conflict for Albert, but in a way he never has to make the hero's decision. His mother dies (not that it's easy on him), but it's a convenient way for the plot to make the choice he couldn't. He never really has to come up with a solution to his main problem. I also had a minor issue with the light-hearted tone of the people's escape attempts. It could work I guess if treated properly, but I couldn't get around the fact that these almost comical moments ended with people in dire agony in barbed wire. Yikes! It was as if you wanted to give it a light-hearted feel to alleviate the drama, but the reality is a little too gruesome. Not sure how to handle that one, but wasn't sure if it would play right. The other problem I have (and it's also a minor gripe) is that I think that things actually work out a little too well for Albert. Yes, he spends years yearning to be reunited, but he doesn't seem to suffer much on screen. His ordeal at the butcher is solved for him, his mother dies and makes the decision to leave an easy one, he gets a job offer to become a clown, then a huge offer to go to the one birthday party enough balloons to carry off his plan. While in the air, other than a minor wind shift, all goes according to plan. Albert needs to be in peril for the entire last third of this script, battling against all odds to reach the other side of the wall. He needs to have his dreams dashed again and again, only to dig down and come up with a unique solution (you have the solution, you just have to have him work for it). Basically, I think your images are phenomenal, but the circumstances seem to drive the story more than Albert's determination. Does that make sense? I actually think the story would be stronger if the ending came as a sudden revelation to Albert at the party. What if he had another plan in mind all together, and it gets foiled? Then he suddenly gets the idea to use the balloons at the end and (although he gets shot at, and al sorts of unexpected things happen in the air) he manages to get over the wall. I think it would really ramp up the excitement in what is already a great concept. Just my two cents. You're an excellent writer and to me this has HUGE potential. Just need to raise the stakes to make it really sing.
  
  Best of luck. I actually read Father Max about two years ago I think so I know that you're an excellent writer who can take this story up a notch or two. read
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  Difficult Read
  A review of OLD ROTHBERGHIAN
  by rmahler on 12/04/2008
  I applaud you for your valiant effort to write in what is obviously not your native language. I could not do the same. However, the fact that I could tell that it was not your native language means that it got in the way of my enjoyment of your story. You should seriously consider get a screenplay editor to read and edit your script to make it more proper English. Your... I applaud you for your valiant effort to write in what is obviously not your native language. I could not do the same. However, the fact that I could tell that it was not your native language means that it got in the way of my enjoyment of your story. You should seriously consider get a screenplay editor to read and edit your script to make it more proper English. Your story is very good and I loved the inventiveness of having two different Antonios who speak with each other. It was an original approach and it served the story well. I liked that you had Anne thinking he was more of a stalker at first, which would be a natural reaction to such a creepy reappearance. Good luck with your editing and any future writing. read