This is a very accomplished screenplay. The writing is very good, characters well developed, plot moves along nicely and it's a nice concept.
The big question for me is, is it funny enough? I'm not sure. There's some good comedy in there, but I think you need more - it's just not packed enough with laughs yet. There's plenty of potential to do this - the dwarfs, Scott being uptight, Emily being uptight, Scott and Emily fancying each other without realizing and so on. Make the most of them.
I only had a couple of specific comments:
p.60 - 63
the turnaround from Emily telling Bill she hates him going into the theatre to admitting she is wrong soon after she came out is too quick without a strong reason for the change. It needs more of a trigger for her change to happen.
It is odd that her dad turned around so quickly - I think there needs to be a better reason for this as well.
Overall though, great writing, good luck with it.
Review of: Long Shot
reviewed by OliRichards on 02/18/2012
Other Reviews by OliRichards 68
A review of Ah-Haby OliRichards on 02/18/2012I like the premise of this movie - a gang that steal a lot of money, get robbed in turn, and then have to try and get it in order to return it to avoid worse trouble. It's a great plot and one that you could have a lot of fun with. Regarding the characters, I thought the main ones all spoke with too similtar voices. When I covered over the name and just read the speech I... read
A review of The Resurrection of Skippy Poindexterby OliRichards on 02/17/2012Hmmm, not sure what to make of this. It's clearly very well written, and there is a strong grasp of plot, character and pace. It just, well, didn't grab me. I think because it's a comedy but it didn't make me laugh very much. There were some good lines, but it wasn't out and out funny. The twists at the end came thick and fast and I didn't expect them, so that was good... read
A review of Southern Hospitality (Cherry Poppin' rev)by OliRichards on 11/30/2011I liked this a lot. It was action packed, full of twists, had a satisfying conclusion and flowed smoothly. The main drawback for me was that it felt like a movie that had already been made many times over - the groups of gangsters all chasing after money and all getting shot at the end except for the hero who escapes. So low on originality. Having said that, I'm sure there... read