This is a very accomplished screenplay. The writing is very good, characters well developed, plot moves along nicely and it's a nice concept.
The big question for me is, is it funny enough? I'm not sure. There's some good comedy in there, but I think you need more - it's just not packed enough with laughs yet. There's plenty of potential to do this - the dwarfs, Scott being uptight, Emily being uptight, Scott and Emily fancying each other without realizing and so on. Make the most of them.
I only had a couple of specific comments:
p.60 - 63
the turnaround from Emily telling Bill she hates him going into the theatre to admitting she is wrong soon after she came out is too quick without a strong reason for the change. It needs more of a trigger for her change to happen.
It is odd that her dad turned around so quickly - I think there needs to be a better reason for this as well.
Overall though, great writing, good luck with it.
Review of: Long Shot
reviewed by OliRichards on 02/18/2012
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