Review of: Bank Robbah 

reviewed by KSisk90 on 03/23/2012
Credited Review
KSisk90
Lot of little mistakes Credited Review
As for formatting you need to put your page number in the header. And you need to indent new paragraphs. Other than that it was easy to read and flowed well.

I liked the opening paragraph, really grabbed my attention making me want to read more.

Some things I noticed:
At least the safe right in the middle.
safe is right in the middle.

When you have a character thinking, you should italicize. Ex:
I think to myself. Better that I turn around and keep pushing my sleeve until Mark arrives.

Mark carries two three duffel bags.
carries two or three.

Instead, he walks up to vault and… sniffs.
up to the vault

What for means nothing – I grab a duffel bag...
This line could be a little more clear.

That was we she called our relationship – good times.
Line seems strange.

I told her it was because of who I was.
Line could be more clear, maybe. I told her it was because its who I am.

Yes. I want to scream that until my eyes are longer wet or until my mother doesn’t have to cry anymore.
Line is unclear.

I'm sure it's what you were going for, but the ending feels unresolved.

Overall though a good story.

Thanks for the read.

Other Reviews by KSisk90 27

  • by KSisk90 on 03/25/2012
    As for formatting it was easy to read and flowed well, good job on that. The opening paragraph was good, really captured my attention making me want to read more good job on that. Some things I noticed: He crept up on the corpse, not letting his guard down for a second, and keeping his weapon aimed where he last saw the beast, but it had disappeared again; however, it had... read
  • A review of In a Field
    by KSisk90 on 03/25/2012
    As for formatting you need to put the page number in the header so its easier to review. All caps looks a bit silly to me, I think you could try another way of showing that it is a tense moment, like bellowed, screamed, yelled etc. Some things I noticed: You use far too many commas, your sentences run on. I didn't really understand all that happened, felt a bit lost. With... read
  • A review of Gang-hwa Island
    by KSisk90 on 03/23/2012
    As for formatting your title page looks a little strange having a whole page, but just a small size 12 font being used. You need to put your page number in the header. On the final page you started indenting really far into the page, it isn't the same that you used in the previous pages. The opening lines were good, really grabbed my attention making me want to read more... read
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